Seeking Advice Regarding an Unhappy Blended Family

Talk to your husband about, "what can I do to help you" - because it isn't your fight.

Believe me - I'm there - my skids are 10 and 12, and I could easily get caught up in digging dirt and finding stuff - but it's not my job. I am raising 2, and helping with the other 2. My DH - and yours - has a responsibility to be a dad and battle on behalf of their own children when it's necesary - moms have a responsibility to keep it together at home.

*hugs*

I disagree a little, as you are married and you love all 3 children, this IS your battle too. Yiu just need to make sure to carve out time for the 3 of you of the 5 of you without talk of the fight you are dealing with. No one wants to think about these things all the time, so don't! Cut out the ex for a while to renew yourself and your family. You are blended and I am guessing that when you are together, you ARE happy. MAKE time for that. That is really all you can do until things are worked out or finalized.

I think Jennifer's advice is good, sound advice. I can't add anything better in that sense. The only thing I can think of is a little reality check. You said that the relationship between your husband and his ex was volatile even before you.... well, that means you knew the situation before you married him and before you brought a child into the world with him. So, this is the life you chose- and now it is your responsibility to stick with it and make the best life out of it for your family.

If possible, it should be your responsibility to love on your husband and all three kids and provide a safe home environment as much removed from the chaos of their life as possible. Your husband's job should be to deal with all of the ex-stuff and shelter the kids from it as much as possible. It is not about you, your husband or his ex--- it is about the children (all three of the children)....

I guess I don't have any really good advice here, but just to let you know that we have been through this ourselves, and it was not easy......still is not at times. If I were you, I would have an honest talk with my husband and ask him if he can think of some solutions. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you are going through, and try not to let his ex "win" by making you feel bad or out of control.

My question is why are you involved? That is between him and his ex. His lawyer should be doing all the investigating and i don't see how that is good for you to be involved. If he doesn't need you to be involved then don't....devote your time to the kids...they are the ones that need someone (11 & 13) and your daughter. While they are battling you keep the kids as calm as you can. I hope this helps.

Hi Tracey,

You NEED to set boundaries as this WILL take a toll on your marriage. First of all, get in with a good marriage counselor. This is not your battle. This is your husbands battle to fight and you will eventually resent him for taking this time away from you and your little one. Boundaries are so important in a situation like this. I know you want to support him, howvever, you shouldn't get involved at all. Being there for him is one thing, but fighting this battle is a losing situation. Don't be afraid to say, "No." If you are anything like me in this situation, I didn't want to tell my husband no because I thought that would be not supporting him. When I started telling him that I wasn't able to emotionally and physically to help with this situation, our marriage improved tremendously and tensions decreased. I became happier and so did he. Like I said, really look at finding a good marriage counselor. Learn to communicate and set boundaries. You need set boundaries with your husband and your husband needs to set boundaries with his ex-wife. It will be difficult at first, however, it will help in the long run. By the way, don't rely too much on the courts. The system is not very good and definitely does not have the kids best interest at heart, just from experience. Concentrate more on your marriage and your little one. You will never be able to get this time back and she deserves your attention! You are her mom and your husbands children have a mom already. Enjoy your daughter and work on raising her! Good Luck!

Hi T.,

I cannot say I have been in your shoes or know how you feel, but I agree with Laurels advice in reference to speaking to your husband about how you feel. I work for an attorney and the attorney in your case should be handling all of the researching and some if not most of the headaches. If you need any legal advice please feel free to ask me!
I think you are right in supporting your husband but you should also try and keep an open communication with him as much as possible so he knows that this is also hard on you and your daughter. All three children are important in your case and because you are a family anything that happens will affect you all. But just like you are helping him and being a supportive wife, you should also let him know that you need him to be a supportive husband and father.