Seeking Input for a 7 Year Old with a Feisty Temperament

I too have found Love and Logic to be a very useful approach. I have worked with children for 26 years and am a parent of fraternal twin, nearly 6 year old boys. One of them is quite feisty! I find love and logic to be practical and immediately effective. It also does a good job of taking you/the parent out of the grumps and giving the problem back to the child in a way that is constructive , a teachable moment and respectful.
Good Luck,
Mary
A little about me: MWM, 6 year old fraternal twins and thankfully still employed by the school district as a elementary school counselor.

At almost 6 years old, my daughter is still going strong. :) She has always had a feisty streak, but is also very loving and sensitive. I feel like I have to be VERY consistent with her to get her to change, and it's a very slow process, but it works. I used the "Love and Logic" approach and can tell that that system works well for her. The results aren't immediate, but work. She also responds very well to empathy and humor..rather than waiting until she's driving us crazy and yelling or sending her to her room. That just causes her to be more defiant. If I catch the behavior early, I'll just remind her firmly, but calmly, that she has been warned. With love and logic they use a signal word to get the child's attention. Ours is "uh oh". If she hears that she knows to stop of I will follow it up with a consequence. Now that I've used that word for 2 years, you should see her attitude change when she hears my sing-song, "Uh Oh". Seems weird, but it I feel your pain and thought I'd share. ;)

I have a feisty 21 year old who has been that way most of her life too. She even had a daycare provider who said she had never met a child as stubborn as mine. I also grew up with a younger brother who had such a mean streak that my dad "beat it out" of him. I don't recommend beating your son, because it may break his spirit the way my dad broke my brother's to the point that he would never stand up to others.

Therefore, you have that "fine line" to walk between love and discipline. When my daughter was little, time out worked. Now that she's an adult, I walk away or lock myself in my bedroom when she throws her temper tantrums. I don't know if it is something she will eventually outgrow. I certainly hope so. However, the feistiness can be an asset when turned in a positive direction. She has the tenacity to compete in college in very tough courses. Her goal is to become a veterinarian, and she is great with animals. So I guess my advice is to find something your son is passionate about and encourage him to pursue that passion, whether it's sports, art, music, or telling jokes. You said he has a great sense of humor. Perhaps he could try out for a play in a children's theater where he could use that talent.

You could turn that feistiness into passion for something he really enjoys as my daughter has channeled hers into care for animals.

I wish the best of luck, and God bless you and your family!

Hi T.,

Have you had him to see an occupational therapist at all? Sometimes this feisty termperament can be from a sensory disorder, even a mild one. If he is mostly "feisty" out in public or around unfamiliar surroundings, lots of people, etc... You might consider just checking to see! I just thought I'd throw that out there. I'm not saying that he has a sensory disorder, I just wanted to point it out as a possibility.

D. Rylander

I bribed my son to behave in public places like stores. The gum ball machines that have the little toys he would get one if he behaved. He was reminded what was expected of him when we went to the store and given no "chances". Eventually I stopped having to bribe him, and he behaves himself now. I would also look and see what your other children are doing to entice him to be bad. Sometimes it is suttle, but my oldest always enjoyed getting him in trouble. I have left places that they wanted to go to simply because they were being horrible.

You need to correct this now, or he will just become more feisty and bossy in your family. I would suggest that you and your husband decide what kind of behavior you want and what kind is not acceptable. This should apply to all. Then have a family meeting and explain the new rules and consequences. Some of the consequences can be as follows:

If it happens in public, it is really hard to do and unfair for the others in the family, but natural consequences would be to remove him and the family from the event-store-party-whatever-you are attending the minute he starts messing around.

If two parents are their, one parent could just take him to the car. Be prepared with a book and don't take him back until he calms down. Never do this in anger, stay calm and explain to him what he has done, and that it is no longer acceptable to that in your family.

At home you have to set up a time out room in your house to put him in. You have to put nothing in it and it has to be very boring, very.

It is important to remember the rules apply to all. At first it will be very hard to do this because he will test you to see if you really mean the new rules. Test, test, test, test. But stay calm and don't give up.

Whatever method you use do it at least a month, every time he acts up, and stay calm. Don't give him the satisfaction of getting you angry.

Good luck.

Hi T.,
I could be so wrong but-his behavior at 5 mo. could be for one reason (usually the reaction from pulling hair) and the reason to act up, always at home, could be for another reason. Possibly not enough attention. At least it may seem to him that he doesn't get as much attention as his siblings. I have a middle son who picked on his younger brother until he was 20 years old.
All of a sudden they were best friends. But, boy is that a long time to have to deal with such a problem. You know the saying, Bad attention works as well as good attention? It's still attention. You might just watch and see if there isn't just a little of that going on instead. Just a suggestion. He might just need your love shown to him in others ways. So hard to know how children feel because they usually act out instead of explain their thoughts. I wish you all well.

No they don't grow out of it, that's what prisons are full of. It morphs as they grow, it will get different and take different forms. It is your job as his parent to train him how to behave in public and it is your job to train him how to treat his siblings. You have let it go from the time he was 5 months and has he grown out of it? You may resent my posting and others will say oh she is so harsh. There was a mom on here whose daughter threw things at her when she didn't get her way and would claw her legs. She was 4! The mom used positive reinforcement. Imagine that poor girl at 16 and the mom thinking, "what did I do?" I have 5 children and I love each one and they know how to behave because my husband I have trained them how to behave in love to those around them. So many parents say that training is for animals. Kids are smarter than animals and we as parents must realize that we train them whether we like it or not, we can do it passively or actively. They know what we enforce and what we are willing to take. Check out this site. There are a lot of great tips on how to turn your child into a blessing. http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

This will change your life "JAMES LEHAM THE TRANSFORMING CHILD" well worth every dime every teacher, councelor daycare and parent shound own the cd program and you will be amazed I had a different child in 3 weeks

Sounds like negative attention is getting him what he needs. Try spending more time and positive attention with him and you may find he needs less negative attention. Also Love and Logic.