Seeking Truthful Thoughts on Motherhood

"So, I guess the question is, does anybody else feel this way?"

Yes.

S.

Consider, maybe, every day,
make a list of five things you're grateful for.
Can be little things.
DS ate his vegetables without an argument.
DH gave me a hug and a kiss before he left for work.
I saw sunlight through the leaves
and it made a pretty pattern on the window.
Stuff like that.

I think each woman experiences motherhood differently. I've always been very practical to my approach to motherhood. I have a couple of friends that live and breathe motherhood and are so over the top excited about being a mom and their kids, and sometimes I just can't relate. I think it is wonderful that they have that attitude and sometimes I wish it would rub off on me a little bit more but I think that I tend to embrace all of the whole motherhood experience -- the good and the bad. Nothing is ever all good or all bad but, in my book, I am really grateful that I've had the opportunity to have this experience.

You are not alone.

You are not alone. Although I will not trade raising my own children for anything, I do playback in my head those times when I used to work including the 1.25 hr drive I had each way (on a good day). I am jealous, at least you get to work PT. I have a special needs child she does go to school M-F but only half of the day so I choose not to work . Sometimes the days are more full and less fulfilling.

I love my boys with my entire heart and soul. I never knew I could feel such pride and happiness over someone else! They make me laugh and smile and simply amaze me with their preciousness. They also make me want to run screaming down the street half the time and never look back! The DRIVE ME FREAKING NUTS a great deal of the time! I actually went back to work full time because I couldn't be at home any more. I DO wish I could spend more time with my youngest, but something had to give! I do love to do things for them and I love being involved in their school and preschool and playgroups, etc. They are the most important thing in the world to me, and I think I'm good at letting them know that, but I long for my alone time, and I want to get ready in the morning without being watched or having someone crying at my feet. So don't feel bad! I love being a mother, but I will definitely enjoy the parts of motherhood that involve summer camp and sleepovers (at someone else's house) in a few years too! In fact, I'm checking myself into a hotel for a weekend alone in a few weeks before I go completely bonkers -and I'm not the only mother in my community who does that!

It is fulfilling... but it is also a big pain in the butt too sometimes.
Yin and yang.
Dichotomy... but all parts of a whole.
Which is what Motherhood is.

And it is wonderful as a Hallmark card.. .and also exasperating and stressful too. Daily.
It just is.
But one thing is for sure, at least for me.. I am never "bored."
Every 5 seconds... at least one of my kids calls me for something... many times calling at the SAME time from different parts of the house. I am never able to really sit for LONG periods, and am always on-call. Most Moms are. It is not always easy, nor relaxing.

all the best,
Susan

<laughing> Of COURSE. Most of us feel that way for various periods of time.

I LOVE being a mother. I DO NOT love being a maid, a chauffeur, a 5 meal a day chef, dishwasher, personal shopper, & laundry lady. Playdates terrify me. I DESPISE the entire house being made "my" responsibility (aka no respect, no help, no kudos). Sorry bucko, your 8hour day does NOT equal my 14 hour day. If I got hit by a bus my husband would have to actually (gasp) go back to shopping for and cooking his own food, washing his own clothes, cleaning the durn house, and he would have no one to glare at that "everything" isn't magically taken care of when he wants it to be.

When I take out all of the "household" schtuff that I HATE, I'm left with just my kiddo. That I love. Most of the time. When I'm not going crosseyed and am attempting to put my head through drywall, or am consumed by "mom-guilt", or am having a fit of boredom. :) :) :)

I feel like I hear this all the time, How moms are over-extended and under appreciated and hate the hum drum day to day. Most of my friends feel this way. I sit idly by while they complain and try to cheer them up. I feel like it's all over the TV and magazines that moms are depressed and need to be better to themselves rather than giving to everyone else...Lots of people like the poster below assume anyone who feels otherwise is fake or a cheesy supermom.
Call me crazy, but I actually love it. I find it a fascinating transient, temporary phase in life to cherish. I know, I can hear the eyes rolling...

Some people hate their jobs, some people cant' have kids, I feel GUILTY I'm so lucky. I am SO thankful to not be working right now-maybe because I've been working several jobs at a time since age 17 and then got into a very difficult career and at 40 am taking a temporary break from the career life for the first time to be with my young kids (3 under 5 and hubby always on the road) and it feels like a cake walk compared to those rough days which had far fewer rewards for the soul. I always feel the love in return for my work, and sorry, I think house work is aggravating and boring (always did way before kids) and I wish we had the budget for a maid, but kids? Piece of cake and super interesting and rewarding. I go to bed every night practically in tears with gratitude that we're all still in one piece together, never wanting it to end-loving looking at them sleep.

I've pursued creative things more seriously, like painting, finally since they were born because I want them to be proud of me and see me doing things. It's incentive to teach them to understand they arent' the center of the universe and have to respect the obligations of others-my 4 1/2 year old helps with my 1 year old-yet we're all always together which is amazing. They are very supportive, my 2 1/2 year old handed me my cup of coffee (spilled most of it) while I was working and ignoring him the other day. He then said "Oh MOM, that's a really GOOOOD Painting!!!"
I just got into a major show.
That's worth a thousand diaper changes to me and their puking stomach flus and all my missed manicures and leg waxes and yoga classes and trips and nights out combined that I don't get to do anymore right now. Again, temporary.
I'm amazed every day at how happy they make me. They're well disciplined and good which helps a lot. Some friends of mine with kids a little more "challenging" are on meds and hating life. I understand the hardships and have them too, but they really don't bug me for long, and I feel everything worth while in life is difficult and not always fun.

Sort of like people who griped about the weather and the stress and the crowds in NYC when I lived there-those things never bothered me. I felt proud I could handle it. I feel extremely proud to be juggling the difficult mom life. I can't wait to fit more into it as the kids get older. I think moms who are bored being SAHMs should find more things to do. There's always a way.

I may be the oddball, but so be it. I'm not being fake. I love it. I don't look forward to these days passing so I make sure to keep my own endeavors going even though I'd love to just bask in the kids. I don't want to lose myself in them, even though it's tempting...sorry to vent on loving it when you wanted to hear people hating it, but for real, I never get to vent either, so thanks for letting me!
Those amazing humans you're putting into the world, and the mentor and inspiration you're being to them and to others in your community when they're old enough to branch out and make friends and pursue their own goals, and the connections and rewards that in turn brings to you-THAT'S the good your mothering is doing, even if it feels small some days, you really are doing something valuable. How glamorous it is, is up to you! Vamp out to do your hum drum errands, it does spice things up. It's fun to not look like a mom when you're out with the kids, that cheers me up on hideous errand days.

Hi K.,

Honestly, I did feel that way until I taught myself to laugh more. Now I actively find the humor in everything that happens. My kids leave a mess lying around, well it's funny because it's typical. They spill their milk, well there's no use crying over it which thought is funny because it's a cliche. And so on. I even laugh at myself when I catch myself "nagging" anyone in my house because it's so the typical "mom" thing.

I noticed that once I was laughing my frustrations away I had a better perspective from which to enjoy my children as the wonderful, disorganized, loud, sticky and lovey little beings they really are.

As women, we have enormous power in our homes and families. By nature and design it is the woman that sets the emotional tone for the rest of the family. As women, it is incumbent upon us to realize that we have control over our own feelings. You can "force" yourself to "lighten up" but here's the amazing thing; after a while, you're not "forcing" yourself any more. It comes more and more naturally as time goes by. I always tell my kids that life IS attitude. It is what you make of it. This goes double for me as the wife and mother of my own family.

Good luck to you!

Anyone who tells you that being a mother is all good all the time is LYING TO YOU!!! We are mom's we are not saints. When I have just about reached my wits end and have threatened to give my son to the next person that calls or rings my doorbell, he comes over and gives me a big bear hug, I hear his infectious giggle, and I melt. Of course, I would never give my son away...that is just exhausted Momma talk!! I know it sounds silly and overused, but my son IS my world. But my happiest time of the day is usually when my husband gets home from work and takes him off my hands for a little while!!

No you are not alone in your feelings, but you need to take a look at your situation and find a way to improve it or spice it up in some way so your kids don't suffer because of your unhappiness.

Yeh, those are the frustarations of raising small children. Add to it the disrespect and the "know it all" of the teenagers.... and the ignorance and the conflict of the grown up kids, particularly if you have a son (just read all the MIL comments!)
I finaly figured out that I am just the instrument of nature, my "job" is to give birth and protect the young from the predators until they are able to be on their own...if you get thanks for that - it's a bonus. If you enjoy sometime the motherhood, it's like you had a great day at work. The exception from the rule, not the norm. Motherhood is what you are here for, motivated by strong instincs, once you have a child, your only value in nature's eyes is to raise that child. The child lives on after you die and the cycle repeats... I know, you like to think of yourself as a person, with feelings and tallents, I do too, by the way, but the understanding of the bigger picture helps me to deal with day to day frustrations...

I always told my mom how I do not want to have children when I grow up. She told me that I must because they will change me (and Oh! how they did!) and will make me a better person. My mom told me that there are steps you must go through in life, if you miss some you are not a complete person. Getting older, I totally see her point. It is about self growth, no matter how strange it sounds. Being able to sacrifice your time, your wants and needs for the good of another small human being will leave you changed... But the act of a sacrifice is a difficult one...
Every mother is torn between two strongest insticts - self preservation and saving the young.

You have gotten some really great responses here. I just want to add that I do think some people really do find joy in every moment of being a mom. NOT me, however. I never even thought I would have children, now I have 3. AND, I homeschool. It is crazy. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have an identity and I sometimes wonder what I would do if my husband passes away or left us since I haven't officially worked outside the home for 13 years.

But then I look at their faces...their desperate little faces and I just melt. Your children need you. They don't always even know how much so they don't say "thank you" or whatever it is you really need to hear but how could they survive without you? Whenever I am feeling especially low I try to imagine what my kids would do without me or their dad. I get sick when I think of my life without one of them; imagine how they would feel without you.

I didn't appreciate my parents either and am so sad my dad passed away before I got married. My kids would have loved him but they are close with my mom. I am much closer to my mom now that I am a mother. Now I understand why she always felt so overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I don't know why God sets it up that way. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew how great our parents were when we were little so we could show them how much we appreciate them? Motherhood is thankless work. That is just the way it is. Don't feel guilty for feeling this way either. It is truly the hardest most important job you will ever have but it wears away at you and that is normal. It is like any job you have. When I was a paralegal and trying to get into law school, I was exhausted all the time and broke. The attorneys never even noticed. I would go home and wonder what I was doing...I felt so under-appreciated. Not much difference today except I can stay in pj's all day if I want, the kids don't care if I shave my legs or not, and they kiss me in the morning before I brushed my teeth. They just love me.

Remember you are shaping/raising future adults. Don't raise them to be adults that don't say "thank you." Teach them now how to be appreciative. Every once in a while one of my kids will say, "thanks, mom, that was great" after dinner. Just every once in a while, mind you, but when it happens I know they really mean it. This happened because I reminded them to say thanks to me and my dh helped reinforce it. Help them cultivate a thankful heart. Teach them to appreciate the people they love. It all passes; everything in life is a phase or a season; just a blink of an eye. The hard parts drag on and on and the great stuff flies by. Just hang on. You are blessed to be able to have kids, to watch them grow up, etc. Try to remember it is a blessing and not just a drudgery. It is really all about attitude. Of course, my kids are still asleep and I am drinking a nice hot cup of coffee all by myself. In about an hour I may have a completely different response:)

Good luck and God bless!!

Oh sweetie, what you're feeling is SO normal. Motherhood, especially with YOUNG kids is a thankless, tiring, exhausting time and you feel like you've lost yourself in a sea of leggos and Sponge Bob. But honey, ask yourself, "What would my life be like without these little ones?" I mean REALLY think about it hard. I remember feeling like you and now that my two kids are grown, my heart aches to have just ONE of those days back where I was frustrated, exhausted and up to my eyeballs in toys. As your kids get older, you're going to be able to see things that you never imagined as they develop their personalities and more of their talents start to come out along with the areas that only YOU can shape as the mom who has been especially designed JUST FOR THEM. And while I can't lie and say that it gets easier, there ARE many more rewards - you need to look for them in the small things - their smile, their accomplishments, their first report card, their first badge in scouts, their first trophy, the moment you hear them reply with good manners and someone tells you that you did a good job raising them. As they grow older there will be tears - lots of them BUT once they are grown, you will realize that so much of YOU is in those kids and that YOU have helped to shape who will they will become as adults in the future. So honey, trust me when I say that this time will suddenly fly by and that you WILL feel more and more like the real you as they get older. Get yourself into an ACTIVE moms group in your area where you can be encouraged by other moms. This will make a world of difference trust me. Sending a huge hug to you. :)

Good for you to be real and not fake! I'm finding so many fake people on here its nausiating!! Being a M. is hard work..no matter what the age...there are times when it seems good for a bit and times where you just want to run away, its all part of life. Nothing is ever perfect 100% of the time. The best advice I can give you is to create a girls night once a week without kids! Or even if you have to have the kids...then get some girls together for some wine at your house and lock everyones kids in the back yard (LOL) you have to have some YOU time so you dont lose yourself in all the boring day to day stuff.....we love our kids and would do anything for them...but we also have to have a life of our own, our kids will not be around forever, some day they too will grow up and have a family of their own....
So yes, we all feel this way, even the 'supermom's' out there who put up a really good front! :)

Yes, bet most everyone feels that way.

Is it worth it? So very, very much. I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs. (course, my kids are grown now and have young ones of their own which is why I have so many paragraphs)

The trick might be that you need to construct a current life that includes things other than the kids AND make sure you're trying to find ways to have fun with the kids. Those choices are yours. I bet you're so busy that you don't know what to do perhaps maybe because you're following someone's model of what a mother does.

yes. I felt the same way! that is, when I was able to be home - - my husband lost his job one week before my due date. I had to step up and be the "family bread-winner", not by choice, but out of necessity! I hired a great nanny, and I went back to work when my baby was only 10 days old... Now, that little "baby" is starting 3rd grade! I must tell you, I have a lot of regrets and sorrows about not being home every day. I did the best I could, at the time, and I ran home to breast-feed and (later) ran home to take my daughter to some of her first music classes, etc. But, I can definitely say that I wish I could have done it all over again, under different circumstances. I wish I could have been the person there changing those diapers, and reading stories, and YES! cleaning up all the mess that comes with having kids! I missed a huge part of my daughter's life, due to a financial setback that was out of my control. I have now come to terms with the fact that I won't have another child, and frankly, I am very sad that I missed those early years, because I had to be at an office, making ends meet and bringing home the bacon. I am sure this not what you expected or wanted to hear - but my advice is to really just try to enjoy it - I know it is a lot of work - all the diapers, toys, bottles, etc. But, it passes very quickly. I did not get as much of that type of care-taking and hands-on mothering, and now I am sad that I missed it... Granted, we had a lot of financial obligations to deal with, and I really didn't have a choice... but, I now wish I could have been with my little girl more when she was a baby.

Of course!!! To be completely honest there are some days that I think to myself, "I have a MASTERS DEGREE!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING CHANGING ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF DIAPERS????" It sounds very egotistical I know but it's how I feel. I am a SAHM and chose to do this. For me, I typically feel more reward than frustration(finally) but I completely understand where you're coming from.

In the working world you get feedback as to how well you're doing your job, you get thank you's, you get promoted etc... When you're a mom you get NOTHING. In the long run your work is appreciated but it can be really frustrating to get nothing back in the short term,especially after doing all these menial tasks for your family. I miss using my brain in the ways I used to. I always identified myself by my work and it's been an adjustment for me not to be able to do that anymore. It has definitely gotten better as time has gone on. I certainly wouldn't trade it for the world but I, like you, wonder why women aren't supposed to talk about it? Just because you don't always like the job of being a mom doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you NORMAL! I think we moms who feel the same should blow the lid off this thing! Let us take our diapers, mops, laundry, homework, minivans and SUV's filled with sports equipment and Cheerios and march on playgrounds and let everyone know it's OK to feel this way!!!

You're a normal mom! YAY!!! Our moms probably felt the same. The only thing we can do is to get as much "Me" time as possible, do it all for our families, and complain about it to anyone who will listen. 20 years from now we will, hopefully, have children who recognize all that we did and all that we sacrificed and they will say thank you and finally appreciate us. With any luck all the endless hours of homework and carpooling will translate into happy, well adjusted children who are confident, smart, passionate and ready to take on the world. When those children have children let's not do what our mothers did. Let's tell them that yes, sometimes we hated our jobs as mothers and it's OK. There is more good than bad and in the end it's all worth it.

This is every woman. In fact, if you'll bear with me for a brief history lesson, one of the main reasons feminism and equal rights for women exist is because an incredibly brave woman named Betty Friedan wrote a book called "The Feminine Mystique" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Feminine_Mystique) that talks about this exact problem. I recommend reading the synopsis on wikipedia, just so you understand how universal, and for how long, this has been a common problem.

I think that it's all too common to have our hard work at home taken for granted. I know for myself, housework is just necessary (and exhausting) - I take pride in my son, in my going back to school, in doing well at my job, but I also feel unappreciated and frustrated with the endless chores and childcare.

Do you have a good support group, local mom's group or something to help vent to?

yes yes yes..... I feel that way a lot lately!!!!!! I have one son and that's why I don't want anymore children,lol.. That might sound horrible and I LOVE MY SON BEYOND BELIEF but I feel like I'm soooo burnt out alllllllll theeeeeeee timeeeee...... It gets depressing at times... Especially when I do things for him 95% of my day and then he doesn't appreciate it and throws a fit for one little thing he didn't like... I am a stay at home mom and I feel like my friends (that don't have children) look at my life as SO simple and easy but I feel so burnt out.. I am EXTREMELY clean so I'm constantly cleaning/putting away/folding something...
My husband is AMAZING and would never question me but sometimes "I" feel like I have to give him a list of what I did all day so he doesn't think I sat around and ate BonBon's all day.. (Even though I know he doesn't think that).......
I feel your pain.. I go through those phases as well.. As I'm sure most mom's do :0)
So no your not alone!!!! I wouldn't change it for the world and sometimes I think I might go get a part-time job just to get out of the house and feel like a "grown up",lol

I was not made to be a stay-at-home mom. It is not how I enjoy raising my son. I was joyfully with him the first 6 months at home all the time, then I got a job where I could take him with me and that was great for about 6 months. I then had a wonderful 9-5 that I exclled at and moved thru the departments at a rapid pace, he was in a wonderful child care provided by my work two blocks off campus. Life was wonderful for about a year. Then the division I worked in was bought out, and had to find a new day care that I was not fully pleased with. He was diagnosed with SSPD and the day care let us know we were no longer welcome. At the same time I got laid off and have been at home with him for a little over a year. We worked with ECI intensely for 6 months (then he was too old); had a wonderful time being home with him playing "catch up" but now he is fairly caught up and I am ready to enter a job market that has no available positions. So here I am at home with my son who REFUSES to potty train, asks to "go to school or work" daily because he is as bored with home as I am and I can not give that to him due to the current job market. So, yes I feel simmilar an NO, I do not feel badly about it. We are all different women who have different strengths, one of mine is knowing I CAN NOT DO IT ALL, though I may want to. In addition it does take a village to raise my son not just one bored and crazy momma. I am an instant gratification kind of person, so is my DS and I am sorry but staying at home does not give me instant gratification. There is no pressure, aside from potty trainng but that is another story, daily charts or deadlines when you are a stay at home mom from my personal exprience. I was born to have a career and show my child what it is like to balance work, family and friends. I do not feel as if I am "living the dream" I do hope that those who are fulfilled and loving staying at home are not offended but as I said we are all built differently.

I hear you:) I got tired of women always putting on a happy face and talking about what a blessing it is to be a mother. It can be frustrating when you try to vent and either get the response that tries to one up you (Oh you think you have it bad--my child never napped!) or tries to minimize your feelings (Well your a mother now --that's how it is) Make me want to say, "Oh I guess I should suck it up then , huh?"

My experience is somewhat different in that I am a daycare provider in my home so I have 4 to 5 children here generally. While it is always busy and can often be frustrating balancing everyone's needs, it takes the pressure off me to worry excessively about the housework aspect. When the children are here it is my job to care for them, not worry about the house. I'm lucky to put a load of laundry in, sweep the floor, and wash the dishes while they nap. As a former teacher I always put a great deal of pressure on myself to be on top of everything and I got so burnt out in that system. Being a mother and daycare provider has taught me to breathe and realize that not everything is important all at once. The most frustrating parts of my day are when I'm trying too hard and being too much of a perfectionist.

As for fulfillment--I agree about that too--I train other providers on a contractual basis which I enjoy and take classes. Is there anything you would like to take a class in? How involved in your chidren's father? Support in that area is key. I always feel frustrated when I feel like my husband is not understanding how stressful my job is--He got quite a view this week since he started a new job that is the night shift. He gets to be home with us until 3 now and his validation of how hard he realizes my job is means a great deal. Do you get to go out and do something fulfilling while he cares for the children? My husband and I agreed this shift change would mean less time for us alone together but it meant he would get to take our daughter one on one so she can have a break from sharing me with the other children and so he can have quality time with her.

You are not alone!

Also--it helps that I get to see 3 women each day who I know feel so torn about having to go to work and not be with their children. Just being with their children on the weekend and evening can be difficult and frustrating for them too!

Yes, many moms feel this way.

Sometimes (it can be days or minutes), I feel like my heart will explode from all the joy and love I get from my children. I don't care the cleaning because we make the clean-up time song and game, I don't care the cooking because we are baking cookies together, I don't help the washing because I help creating the painting mess in the first place...
Other times, I'm just tired of it. I wish I had a magic wand to clean up all the mess they did and I could just sit and relax and not hear them fighting for whose lego piece this is...

At the end of the day, I have a special cuddle and bedtime routine with each of them; we read a book, sing a song, kiss and hug... Everybody is calm (kids and mom), relaxed and happy and the room fills with love. That's my favorite part of the day. I forgot all the nasty things I thought during the day about being a bad mom, turning into a maid, cook or referee. I don't want to sell them to the first charity that will accept them! Then, they sleep and the evening is mine (and my husband) to relax, read a book or cuddle.
This bedtime routine is what saves my sanity as it reminds me everyday how blessed I am, despite some pretty bad moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, un-appreciation, boredom...

So, it's normal to feel that way. Just find your way to relax so you don't feel that way all the time.

I notice that lots of mothers now days have times of feeling like this, so you are not alone. I didn't find this to be the case so much when I was a young mom in the 70's and 80's. I am thinking it has a lot to do with how "instant" everything is in society now and how media leads us to believe that everything should be exciting and beautiful. The fact is some parts of day to day life can be downright boring.
Also I think there is too much pressure on you young mothers to do everything perfectly. (as if there is a "perfect" way) There's so many differing opinions on the smallest of dilemmas that you tend to second guess your own intelligence and intuition. This makes everyday normal challenges seem daunting whereas without all this bombardment of others opinions, we followed our common sense and all was fine.
You're right, in that you can't see the good your mothering is doing yet. (Although I'll bet others who know you personally could point out lots of "good") It willbe a LONG time until you can fully see the fruits of your labor. This goes against how everything else operates today, where information and feed back is nearly instant and expected to be so. I know your days seem endless now, but when you reach that end, you'll look back and realize how quickly they went. I remember not believing there would be an end to washing diapers, (no disposables, no dryer) but there was.
Another thing you are right about is that there isn't another soul on earth that can do a better job at nurturing your boys than you. You are the chosen expert for this job.
About being appreciated for the things you do at home, you are so not alone. All of us who are homemakers and mom's KNOW what you do and I for one, appreciate that you are making a wonderful home for your children. It is the most important offering you'll ever make to society, even though our society will not pat you on the back for doing so.
It's good that you got to vent and realize that you are not alone. Keep up the good work.

http://www.truthfulmothering.com/
My sister writes a great blog you should read. She's a SAHM to a 4 year old boy, and she tells all! It's great!

Yup. When my 2nd was younger I felt the exact same way.
you are not alone. Friends don't let friends mother alone! Are you part of a playgroup or mommy group? I recommend www.mops.org
:) Pammy

check out this website.......
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/
it's a book that you can read online(every chapter is on the left side)
Some people think that it's just about the disipline, but there is so much more. It has changed my views about my mothering and that the reason I could not see any results because my expectations we set VERY LOW. It is a Christian book, and there are some parts that do not work for us.........but if you get a moment check it and check the testimonies!!!!!!!!!!

Those sound like pretty common feelings -- I've heard very dedicated mothers say that it would be tough for them to stay at home because unlike at work, the job is endless and you don't get immediate results or a feeling of accomplishment. In my case, I do some work from home which gives me that sense of waking up my mind and accomplishing something. My satisfaction with the kids comes from just spending time from them and watching them grow and learn (not missing anything) -- cooking, cleaning, etc. are just things that need to get done. But, what I'm hearing from you is that you need a break! A day once a week to go out, for example.

K.:

HELLO!!! I sooo feel your pain and agony!! My boys are 8 and 10 - they are my true blessings - my gifts from God - but man oh man!! There are days that I just say "I had kids WHY?" my husband - if he's at home when he hears me say this, replies - "'cuz it felt good at the time!" trying to lighten the mood!!!

I tell my boys - THE "M" stands for MOMMY NOT MAID!!!! Mine are old enough to pick up after themselves and when they don't - they've been warned - if I pick it up - it's GONE - baby GONE!!! They know I'm not joking.

We have a puppy now (Now I say - oh my word!!! What did I get myself into?!) so they HAVE to keep their toys picked up or they will get chewed!!

I love being a mother - but there are days I would LOVE to go back to work, earn a paycheck and let someone else clean my home again....but then I say - urgh - I'm not there for them after school....urgh!!!!

Like everything else in life - motherhood has its ups and downs - just like a marriage - it isn't always peaches and cream! I wish it was - but it's not. There are some women who don't think twice about being a SAHM and the roller coaster ride it is!!!

Depending upon your boys ages - make a "chore" chart for your boys. If they can pick their toys out of the box - they CAN put them away - make up a song to clean up - I used to work at Kindercare as an Assistant Director - "clean up, clean up, everybody do their share" if you watch Mary Poppins - she sings a good song too. It's usually more fun to make it a game to pick up then a "chore". With my boys - whoever gets the most picked up or keeps his toys picked up - gets a reward of more TV time, computer time - or the game of his choice....

Hope this helps!!! You are doing a GREAT job!!! It's not easy being mom and certainly not easy to be a SAHM!!! We are here for you!!!

Best!!

Cheryl

I love my kids but mothering is not a fulfilling experience for me. I do my best and work hard part time as well as taking care of my kids and family. I couldn't be a full time stay at home mom. I need the extra work. I need something more. I can't be fulfilled living in the world of small children. I love my family but I am just not made that way. I see other moms that seem so happy to have a ton of kids and stay home and take care of them but its not me. I dont think you should feel bad for needing more. No one said mothering was meant to fill all your needs. We need to meet the needs of our children, but we are allowed to be people and ourselves in addition to being mothers.

And yes I am potty training one child, being the driver for the other, and making sure there is food, endless picking up of toys, some days its enough to drive anyone crazy :)

Oh the "joys" of motherhood...Sometimes I think, does anyone ever tell the truth about what being a mommy is really like? My experience with motherhood has been somewhat unique I think because although I have 3 children, they have been spaced so far between. My first son was such a joy, I was a single mom and he was unplanned, and even though it was hard at times, there was such a feeling of it was just him and I against the world those first 3 years. I basically got into a relationship with my "best friend" when Tyler was 3 years old and Andy and I proceeded to have a daughter Kristen shortly after my son started kindergarten. As elated as I was to have a daughter, it was also a bit of a is this what it is all about moment. I really thought that second baby automatically meant it would be "easier" and I really thought it would be easier with a partner to help out. I recall days and days of feeling so exhausted and not motivated to do much beyond what I absolutely had to do to get by. Looking back it is easy to see I was depressed! Life did even out and I found better ways to balance everything and when I went back to work I was able to be more assertive about what I needed from my partner in help around the house, we found a new balance that helped everyone feel like they were doing there part. Fast forward to Tyler being 12 and Kristen being 6 feeling like life was starting to get easier and we had an oopsy baby. He has been the joy of my life, probably the best 3 years I have had in a Long time, it has been frought with economic hardship, a son starting his Terrible teens and an insecure daughter who has needed lots of encouragement...have there been days when I felt unappreciated or asked is this all there is? Oh my goodness...yes, but at the end of the day I can tell you, I am so thankful for my kids...when I get to feeling down I usually can trace it back to having neglected to address my own needs. Make time for yourself, do pamper or treat yourself from time to time and above all...make special memories with your children, the traditions that you create go on to be memories your kids will cherish as well.

I sometimes can't stand my oldest daughter ad her behavior. I'm more laid back and she has lots of energy. I'm tired because I have a 9 month old. I work, I clean(somewhat), I shuttle and schedule. Sometimes it just be's that way, and my friends say it. Try to find something that really makes you happy and do it for a few minutes or an hour or so a day. Or have a project that can take some time that you do regularly. I'm doing something like this and it really gives me joy even when I have to go thru the daily slog.
A.

Ugh yes!!! I have 2 small ones 16 months apart and I daily ask myself, is this my life?? lol
While I LOVE them more than anything and wouldn't choose to go back to work, I can't help but look at the clock some days and get excited to see that daddy will soon be home. Not to see him mind you, but so I can leave the house and be in silence :)
I have friends that can't have kids and so I am not complaining... but the reality is, it is hard! Damn hard! And most days I don't feel like it is appreciated at all.
In fact I look around the house that I did pick up ALL day long and see the mess and think to myself- I would fire the person responsible for this... and of course that is me! lol
I figure some day things will even out and if they don't I guess I'll just have to wait for the college years to regain a bit of me!
Hang in there... you for sure aren't alone!

I think most feel that way at some point or another. It helps a lot for you and your husband to have a date night that isn't broken for ANYTHING! Complement each other on the jobs you are doing - him for providing that you can be home and you for the job you are doing raising your boys.
There's a book I'd like to recommend - For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. It might help.

absolutely! It is tough not feeling appreciated that's why you need to go away with girlfriends once in awhile so the family can appreciate you! Friend time and venting is crucial for me to keep my sanity!

Try to be "in a moment" which I'm sure you do already. Looking at my baby when he is truly happy and his face is lit up, that is my Thanks! I love my DH but, I know that he will never truly understand everything I do for our family. I try not to let it get to me. I wish I didn't have to work full time but, I do. My son has a disability on top of it all and my husband works nights. I feel like a circus M-F trying to get everything done for the evening including some quality time with my son in 2.5hrs each night. There are nights where I just want to lock myself in a room and not come out til morning!! I too love my family but, we are human and we have our moments and we should feel appreciated but, every person gets caught up in the day to day routine and tend to take things for granted. Take some you time so you can just relax once a week. Even if its a walk by yourself or a nice long bath. Your certainly not alone! A glass of wine with a good friend helps too!

Totally!! I stay home full time, and wouldn't change it. But there are many days i feel the same way. Like everyday blends into the next. I actually get anxious thinking, "okay, tomorrow's going to be just like today" UGH.
I think its even harder when the kids are pretty young, they dont appreciate anything you do for them, and it seems like they want, want, want all day and it's never enough. You never have someone saying, "Hey, good job. Thanks for all you do" It's almost demeaning in a way because those around you take for granted that your entire day is centered around taking care of everyone else!
Dont get me wrong, I love being a mommy, and staying home with my kids where I know they are safe, and loved, and nurtured. But there are days i want to dress up, actually DO my hair, put on makeup and go spend a day of leisure having cocktails and gossip with my friends, and worry about NOTHING. But I also know the minute I do, I'd feel guilty, miss my boys and want to come home! Keep your chin up, you're so not alone!

I left a job as a middle-school band teacher (which I LOVED) to have babies and be a mother at home. I was feeling pretty emotional the last few days knowing that the job that I felt defined me so well was going to not going to be my lot anymore.
I was talking with one of the other teachers, an older woman, about this and she said something that made me really think. She said that she,too, had left teaching to raise her kids and felt very much the same way we all do as mothers. She mentioned that it wasn't until her oldest daughter hit about puberty age - middle school - that she realized all she had done as a mother was coming into play. All that she had taught her daughter was now being tested. She realized how important is was that she had chosen to stay at home with her children from the time that they were really little.
I didn't read everything on these posts, but didn't see the one thing that I'm trying to get across here. Yes, it's a thankless job full of repetition and drudgery (I love to cook, and that is one of the few ways that I get to appreciate a bit of creativity in the whole process), but all that we have done for our children will someday come into play. Someday we will realize how important it was to be at home for them and teach them, and someday they will realize it too. I literally think that it is the most important thing that we can give to our children.

Not only are you not alone, what you are expressing is a big part of how the women's movement got started! Try reading The Feminine Mystique (the author was of my grandmother's generation). I think a big part of the problem is women now have a harder time sharing their honest feelings about motherhood. We had feminism but now we also have a backlash that puts so much pressure on us as women and mothers. I just read _The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women. The book does a good job supporting the idea that the pressure to be a perfect mother has gotten much more intense for women of our generation.

As you can see from the paragraph above being home with little kids for the last 5 years has often made me feel like I am climbing the walls and/or my brain is turning to jello! I did choose to stay home while my kids are young and I'm glad to be able to do it (at least most of the time). But I'm not sure my MS in counseling or shelf of parenting books is making me a better parent--I still yell and nag like a lot of other parents. I suggest you keep your sense of humor as much as you can and embrace the concept of good enough parenting ;-) You definitely have lots of company.

Hi K.,
You are most defiitelty not alone. I feel that way sometimes too. I am at home with a 7 year old and a 2 year old. Being a stay at home mom was new for me. When my daughter was born I was working full-time and she was in daycare. But, when my son was born, we were moving and the intent was to be at home with him for about a year and then go back to work. December will be three years that I have been at home and it is has taken some gettig used to. I truly believe that some women are made to stay at home with their children and others are not. I am in the latter group.
I tried making Mondya laundry day and that worked for awhile, but now it gets done whenever I feel like doing it. Then trying to go out and do things when my son is not going to be cranky is a whole different story.
Luckily, my daughter will start back to school next week and that will be wonderful. Then I will just have the one child home with me all day every day.
I think mothers can play just as much of an important role in their lives when they work a typical 8 hour day 5 days a week as they can when they are at home with them. I have found that as a stay-at-home mom I am rarely at home. There are doctor's appointments, shopping for the houshold, trips to the park and the library.
I guess it's just like anything else. It is what you make it. And having money makes it much easier than not having money does.

I don't know why I don't see some of these until a week later - because this is something I can really relate to! To me, it does seem like there are far more hours of hard work than there are of enjoyment. I keep telling myself, that everything eventually evens out, and then become the opposite (less work/more enjoyment). Love my kids more than the world, but I have never been so burned out, bored, uninspired, or cranky in my life. The times I laugh the hardest are when my friends and I get really honest about the worst moments we've had in public places, the worst messes our kids have made, or the worst things we've ever said outloud to our kids. Because crazy as these times make us, they truly are the funniest later on.

Yup. I don't think being a mother (especially to little ones) is the most thrilling thing on earth. What makes it worthwhile is the unbelievable love you have for those little creatures, and those wonderful moments you talked about. The rest of it is drudgery.

That doesn't mean I'd do anything differently, though.

I definitely have days where I feel overwhelmed and stressed, but mostly I don't and I think the secret is a partner who picks up his share of the household duties. I work full-time and he works part-time, but we both are blessed with very flexible work schedules in careers that we find fulfilling. I know that when I get home tonight the house will be somewhat tidy, dinner will be somewhat started, laundry will be done, and I will have a relatively happy preschooler. When he's at work, he can expect to come home to pretty much the same (well, I don't do laundry, but that's another story). Personally, when I think about trying to balance all the things that need to be done in a family without a partner who does his/her share it is absolutely, positively overwhelming. I am keenly aware of what a privileged situation I have, but I think it might change how we think about "motherhood" if being a mother didn't also mean maid, chef, chauffeur to everyone in the family. It isn't fun to be responsible for everything by yourself, but our culture usually implies that it is (for any evidence of this pick up your latest parenting magazine) where the happy women give tips of tantrums, tummy tucks, making fabulous and healthy food, keeping the car organized...who can do any of that??? NOT ME!

This is why its the hardest job on earth. I feel like it all the time. It gets so much more vivid after the second, and i would assume the third and the fourth.

Whenever I start feeling like that, I go out. I know some girls who have a girl's night out, etc, but for me, I love to go to Barnes and Noble and sip coffee and read a book. Just something to relax for a bit where kids and hubby won't be able to beg for my attention. Not that I dislike them at all, but sometimes it's like "I've cleaned the same spot where the spills keep happening 20 times today. ENOUGH!!!!" I love being a stay at home mom, and while I'm going back to school to get a degree in counselling, and working part-time selling for Celebrating Home (which I also love), and have no desire to not be a stay at home mom until my kids are older, and even then I only want to work part-time, sometimes I just need a break. A little get-away for some me time. Turns out, it's not evil like my mom taught me. It's actually very therapeutic. lol.

Most moms who are being completely honest would have to say they relate to what you're saying. I stay home full time and I love it and wouldn't want anyone else raising my children. I think they are two beautiful blessings! However, like you, I have phases where things just seem to be the endless tasks of doing for everyone else and everything seems to be cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I think we all go through it and you are not alone!!

For a good laugh, go to www.starkravingmadmommy.com!!! I love this blog!!!!!

motherhood is not what you put into to it, its what you get out of it.
i waited twenty years for my little bundle of fun.
TWENTY YEARS !!
so, now every time i see some mother just looking like she is at her wits end, i ask, how long did you wait for your little one ?? nobody said the job was easy, if it was, everybody would do. my little one spent the night in st marys hospital, she ate something that she shouldnt have, and started having problems breathing. so, off to the emergency room we went, with a squad of emts, her auntie, her mommy, her daddy and her stuffed ducky
K. h.