Semi-Stalker Father and Grandmother

Good for you for filing a police report!

I would continue to document everything; if it escalates, then get the lawyers involved and have the custody situation re-evaluated.

I feel like you were very clear as to what was going on that day, and regardless of how long they drove to get there, they should have respected the time schedule.

Sounds like it's apples and trees as far as where your husband learn how to treat people. ALSO sounds like gma is trying to do an end run around the court custody by HER "taking your daughter" (with your ex right there) instead of your ex. You MAY want to have your attorney look into that.

To me, it sounds like you're doing everything right. You went for an officer instead of jumping in, filed the report to keep things documented, and have a line out to your attorney.

God, I hate abusive men (people, whatever).

Excellent making a police report and getting an officer on the spot. This will probally cut down on their brazeness and it lets the court know what they are doing. How old is your daughter? That would scare me if someone grabbed me like that.

They drove hours to see her, but then got there late. Typical..

You had told them the plans it was up to them to get there on time.

It is a shame they did not use the time during the cancelled performance to visit with her.

He was and is an abuser, you do what you need to to protect your daughter.

I think it would be really good for some people here to remember that we are only hearing one side. If he was or is that abusive, then why was he given shared custody? She is the one that moved far away, making it harder on everyone. And as for people that are saying that anyone disagreeing doesn't know anything about abusive... That's just short sightedness talking. I can only speak for me. I've grown up in abusive situations and know all about control freaks. They were not asking to take her for weeks. They simply wanted to spend some time with them. The grandmother should not have been upset. But there's a reason the child is acting stand-offish.. My guess is, this child has been hearing a lot of trash talking about these people. I could be wrong since I don't know. But what I do know is that the man is supposed to have shared custody. That means he has rights.

I personally think you were in the wrong. They drove HOURS to see her and you play the control freak by making them wait an additional 2 hours. Volunteering is a good thing. But he drove hours to see her. You volunteer, they should have been allowed to be with her.

Considering that the relationship was abusive in the first place and that he has limited visitation, I don't blame you for reacting the way that you did. I would have been concerned if the dad was taking her anywhere that you weren't. I don't think that it was selfish at all.
Now, the grandmother's reaction was over the top. She had no business trying to grab your daughter. I don't understand some people. You left because he was abusive. Why would you feel the need to just hand your daughter over now? Besides, they would get more out of you and time with your daughter if they were at least civil.

Nancy is giving you great advice. I would add to it, that you should ask anyone you know who witnessed what happened, especially the grabbing of the wrist part, that they write it down too, in a letter to the court. Having this is important. The officer didn't see this happen, and won't agree to this part if he ends up coming to court. However, you should have the name of the officer at least.

Document, document, document. If you have a child psychologist or counselor, and a note from them telling the court that you did the right thing, that would be helpful too. If he has missed any other court appointed meetings with your daughter, have this information there as well. He was the one who was late - this is important.

Good luck,
Dawn

Wow ... I can hardly even believe people are defending your ex, who you clearly stated was ABUSIVE. In my own experience, it is abusers who tend to be the controllers, and if one is trying to deal with them on fair grounds which is next to impossible, the ONLY way to deal with them is to define extremely clear boundaries and stick to them with all your might. Otherwise, they will walk all over you.

I think you made it clear what your plans were and you were not planning your life around his schedule, possibly because he's the kind of guy who will show up late anyway and miss the dance? It sounds like you have enough witnesses that you did not try to prevent him from seeing her, so I wouldn't worry too much about what they say in court, bothersome as it may be. Sounds like they showed up with an agenda that had not been agreed upon ahead of time, then got all righteous about it when you didn't just go with the flow. Considering you both are clearly not on great terms and considering he is trying to take custody away from you, I would say the are absolutely crazy to think that little spontaneous trips and last minute plan changes would fly with you.

I don't know your situation and your current relationship or level of trust with your ex and his mom. If things were overall pretty good and peaceful, then I would probably have decided to let my daughter go and skip the volunteering. However, if the vibe was hostile and visitation was strictly court-ordered and this was to protect me and my child from an abusive man who would otherwise have no respect for me, then I would have done exactly what you did. If my ex was trying to sue me for full-time custody of my child, and then showed up with some plan that we had not agreed to in advance, I don't care if he drove here from Florida, he could kiss my *ss! It is unfortunate that divorce can be so ugly but sometimes that is the way it is. Unless you have been in those shoes, it is hard to understand. Good luck!

You just have to be careful and document everything. Make sure that you save texts, etc, that clearly indicate you discussed when your daughter was available to go with her dad and grandmother.

My daughter's grandparents showed up out of the blue one day. We lived 7 hours away and they just showed up with their motor home and wanted to take her to spend the night. Their son and I were in the middle of custody proceedings with the court and I told them it was fine for them to visit with us in our home. No problem. But, since my daughter was in therapy because of being abused by her father, (he sent her home with bruises all over her shoulders and neck), AND since they had given no advance notice they would be coming, I felt reticent to let my daughter go with them.
They demanded to know the name of my daughter's therapist and left. They came back to my house and told me they met with the therapist and she said it would be fine for my daughter to go. Something didn't seem right to me so I called the therapist.
She said they went to her office, barged in without an appointment, and caused a huge scene when she would NOT tell them they could take my daughter. So....they came back to my house and lied to me.
And, in court, they flipped it around that I refused to let them see my daughter.
It ultimately didn't get them anywhere and it helped that their behavior was documented by my daughter's therapist.

The main thing is to follow everything to the letter of the court schedule and follow everything to the letter as far as communication with your ex and/or his mother. It's great when parents can be flexible, but having left an abusive marriage myself, that is not an instance where flexibility is called for. ESPECIALLY if you are in the middle of a custody proceeding. If you give in and don't follow the orders, that opens another can of worms.

Just document everything. No matter what your ex or his mother say, no matter how many people tell you that you should do the "nice" thing and let them have what they want, this is not a situation where going outside the perameters of the current court orders is called for. In fact, doing so, could do more harm than good.
If you are following court orders, you aren't in violation of anything. If you are properly communicating pick up times, places and making your daughter available at those times, you are not in violation of anything.

Hang in there.

I think if he really wanted to see her he would have made the first performance. And since you told him you was doing the volunteering he should not have been judgmental. Shame on the people yelling at you they must be lucky to have never have been abused. How old is your daughter many abusers also target their children so I would be worried if she seems scared. Since you have the officer to say what happened you should be fine.

Clearly some of the posters here don't know what it's like to deal with a controlling, manipulative ABUSER. Clearly some of the posters here have no concept of not being so self absorbed that you think you can just come when you want & get what you want when you want it, with no regard for anyone else or their plans. Nice.

I think you handled it well, OP. Don't listen to the people who have never walked in your shoes. It's easy to throw stones from behind a computer screen.

I have to agree with live bold, I would be pissed to if I drove hrs to see my child and then was denied. Which is basicly what you did, by making them wait additional time. I don't really have any suggestions as to what you should do, but I'm sure he is going to tell the court what happened.'

If its not his visitation time, he is in the wrong. grandmothers always makes things worse, she has no rights. documenting is the best way to go, courts do not like whiners only facts.

Hi, Single:

You can not run from your problems. You need to learn to confront and set boundaries.

Contact your local mediation center and have the facilitator find common ground where all needs are met.
Good luck.
D.