Seperated Parents. . .

I divorced when my daughter was 5. That was three years ago. The most important thing for your daughter is to be able to talk and work things out with her father - then anything is possible, otherwise awful. My ex and I went through 15 years of conflict (lawyers, mediators, court appearances) with his ex-wife concerning his first two kids and were both resolved that we would not do that to each other or to our daughter!

We live within 15 miles of each other, and have 50/50 time with our daughter. At age 5 (and especially 3) they need to see each of the parents often (and we need to see her often!). We have a schedule of 2 days, 2 days, 3 days. It's worked really well for us.

We have a joint bank account that each of us deposits a set amount of money into each month. Our daughter's expenses (child care, medical care, clothing, school supplies, etc.) come out of that account. No money changes hands between us, we just monitor that account and make adjustments if her expenses change. For minor or expected expenses, we just go ahead, for anything larger, we always discuss before spending.

We talk once a week about the upcoming week's schedule to check if there will be any exceptions, or if either of us needs help because of work, etc. We talk or email almost daily to share how our daughter is doing.

We spend some time together during holidays - along with the 2 older kids and the grandkids! We have dinner together occasionally with our daugher.

We may not be a typical divorced family, but this is what works for us, and is best for all our kids and grandkids. The first year was not this smooth, as the divorce was my request and he has anger issues and other mental health issues, but over time, we've gotten to a good, functional, place.

Let me know if you have any more questions, I'd be glad to talk more!

As a daughter of divorced parents I'll say this.

It is much better to have your parents divorce than living in a unhealthy family, that said it is extremely important that you keep your kid totally separated from your problems with your ex.

If you are in a situation were you can get professional help that would help you and your kid tons if not this are things that I can tell you.

My mother always used my sister and me to get to my father, to ask him for things or as messangers.... that made an extremely difficutl relationship with my father and now that we are grownups I know she did wrong... very wrong.... we were just little kids and shouldn't have been in the middle.

Now my father is dead and you can see, feel still the hate and resentment my mother has towards him and now that he is not here she doesn't know where to direct those feelings and she is taking it out on me that I was close to my father... (as close as possible given the circumstances)

My parents separated when I was 3 and my sister 5. Thirty years later they could still not be in good/respectful terms.

I would think this..... try to have as much as a completely civilized/respectful relationship with him. If you can get over him completely and you can even be sort of friends for your baby's sake that would be even much much better.

Make sure you are ok first.... make sure you get over your problems and over him. Get emotionally healthy that is the best way. I think my mother's main problem is that she never worked on her and she never got over all the problems with my father soooo she became bitter towards him and all men.

As setting your boundaries, if you two can do it by yourselves good. Sit down with a peace flag and talk about YOUR KID AND HOW THINGS SHOULD BE MANAGED WITH HER.

Not using your baby to bother, get to him, compete or anything else. Try to keep your head as cold as possible when the relationship of your baby with either parent is concerned.

Know that if you try to hurt and spot the relationship between her father or the other way around, him trying to hurt the little girl relationship with you will MAINLY AND MOSTLY hurt your kid..... and sooner or later will backfire. (that is just a little warning... IT DOES BACKFIRE)

At the same time, talk as honestly as possible in an appropiate language and manner to your girl. Do not explain the main or real reasons of your separation if that is something that will damage anyones image, but make sure to let her know that she is NOT responsible and that she still has both parents and their love for her is not going to change.

Do not let /allow the play that if you don't get me this my dad will, or viceverse, have as much as possible open comunication with your ex so you are in the same page as educating your kid. Set the same boundaries and standards and respect each other's authority.

Be very very careful as not letting anyone else talk bad of you from his family or anyone in your family talking bad about your ex... at least nowhere close to your kid.

Know that each parent IS important to the kid, and having a healthy relationship with each one will help her grow up happy. Some times that is not possible because the fathers are not active or present in the kid life and that would be out of your hands but do not be you the one creating that sad escenario.

I love my mom, and I know she did her best but I can not help think that my life would have been much much more easy and with much less tears in the way if she had gotten over everything, faced her pain and problems and worked on herself to be ok and move on. And ofcousre if she had been more aware of the things that you should never do to your kids in relationship to your ex partner..

I hope this helps. When I see this kind of questions I can not help to think about me and my parents. I know that every situation is different but I do know something works for every and anyone..... GET WELL YOURSELF FIRST.... BE PRESENT AND LOVING.... BE AWARE AND CONSCIOUS OF WHAT IS REALLY AND HONESTLY GOOD FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR BABY...A lot of times what when in doubt it helps to try to see things from the shoes of the person you have the question about.... in this case your girl... what may she be feeling, if it were you what would you like it to be.... what is the best for her and for you.... as always don't do unto other what you would not like for you and you will get a lot of answers there as how to manage the situation with your little girl.

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Know that life is so beautiful and the pain and bad times WILL pass.

You are so brave!

A 2 1/2 year old girl in my daycare room is going thru this. for the last 6 months they were switching off every 2 days. Lots of behavior problems, especially the switch day. No consistency or time to used to the other house routines. They started court ordered mediation, and this week have switched to a 5 day/2 day switch. One parent gets every mon&tues other gets wed&th then alternate weekends. during the 5 day stretch the parents not with the child gets them for an evening to do dinner and return by bedtime. We have also started a communication book at daycare so the same information is getting passed between all of us and no parent is left out of any info.

Hi, Mel wells I can tell you what has worked out for us. All though every household is diffrent.
Do you and her father live within the same county or so within miles from each other?
We have set-up with my husband and his ex ,one parent will have the kids for two weeks straight and the other parent two weeks straight.
That gives the children repectful days,hours and eaqual weekends with each parent. It also helps all parties involved to share all responsibility equally. When your baby starts school you already wnat to have a plan in place as well. I would shoot for a consitant plan so you would no longer feel alone. I hope I helped, Good luck and God Bless

My nephew lives with his mom and stays with his dad every other weekend, but lately he's been working OT on weekends, so my nephew stays with grandpa. So he only sees his day 1 day every 2 weeks.

My friends' husband has every other day with his kids, meaning that his child wakes up at his house, goes to school, goes home to mom's house, wakes up , goes to school, goes home to dad's house.

If I were in the situation, and could bear to be away from my kids for more than a night or to, I think the best situation would be something like.
Mom gets the child Mon eve. - Fri morning. Dad gets the child Fri eve - Mon morning.

That way the child gets to spend 3 1/2 days a week with each parent.
M.

My son and his wife have seperated at the beginning of the year and they too, have a 3 year old daughter. My son stayed away from them for a couple weeks and my granddaughter started saying "My daddy doesn't like me anymore" which broke our heart. I started having her at my house on every other weekend and on every Sunday so she could spend time with her daddy who is staying here until he is able to get his own place. If he didn't call her during the week she would shun him for about 3 hours when she came over. This really hit home to him and he started making sure to talk with her during the week. She also told me that her mommy and daddy are angry at her because she is messy and doesn't pick up her toys. She is blaming herself for Daddy not living with them. She tells me "when daddy stays with you, I don't get to see him much" She says she wishes she still had a family. It is heartbreaking and I have sit down with her and talked with her on how sometimes mommy's and daddy's don't live together anymore... for lots of reasons but one thing I know, it isn't because she is messy or doesn't pick up her toys... that they both love her no matter what and even when she doesn't pick up toys, they would never stop loving her. If you are able to co parent it is best. I know if she doesn't see daddy often her spark goes out of her eyes until she gets to spend time with him. Also remember little ears hear more then you think. I told my son and daughter in law that my house is a safe zone.. there is no arguing or fighting here, there is little ears! My granddaughter looked at me and said "but grandma, I have big ears!" this was her way of letting us know she was hearing more then we thought. I also told my son that I enjoy going shopping and spending time with my daughter in law and she will always be part of the family since she is my granddaughters mother and no one will change that. I told him I don't plan on changing those trips to the mall with her because Emma loves them so much and she shouldn't lose anything more. I will welcome her here for holidays and other family events and he better never complain. I watch my nephew get mad because my mother puts on birthday parties for his daughters and invites their mother to it. Why should a child pay for what is out of their control? Always keep in mind that the child is most important and pride, jealousy or hate between parents have no place in the childrens lives.