Shared Experiences in the Area of Relationships

People don't change that much. And keeping an abusive man in your life may actually be bad for the child. Do you want that to be your child's example of how to behave? Your child may grow up and behave exactly the same way because he will learn from watching his father. I think you should separate, and deal with the fallout of that. Otherwise you will just struggle through however many years of the same behavior, your child will be exposed to that, and then the separation will happen, and that will likely be even harder on the child. That's my opinion.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time.... Adjusting to a long distance relationship becoming a live-in relationship is hard enough on its own (BTDT last year), but add to that becoming parents and I am not surprised you are going through tough times. However, it does sound like you've got some even harder things to work through with your man's temper issues.

If you are determined to make this relationship work for the sake of your child, which is a great reason to try to make it work, and you have reached such an impasse, I strongly encourage you to seek couples' counseling. Check to see what your health plan offers, or try one of these referral sources:

http://www.therapynetwork.net/
http://www.therapyreferral.com/

Or, if you have a pastor, ask him/her to meet with you.

And I would be really clear with your man - you feel abused, this is not healthy for your child or either one of you, this has to happen or you can't be together.

Take care, be safe, and good luck...

My heart goes out to you. Thanks for writing here.

Your feelings are your guide: if this feels abusive, it is.

I've learned from many relationships--at least one with a man who batters--that others don't change readily (or at all, in my experience. Whatever is causing him to act like that is way bigger and older than your relationship). And in any case, the changes needed must be their work, not yours. You have your hands full with the baby and the dramatic life changes of new motherhood. It sounds like you are on the right track with your own boundaries since you know his refusal to work on himself is the last straw for you.

It may help to hear that my parents separated when I was under two, and I think it caused me a lot less trauma than if they'd waited. I have no memory of them being together, nor of any fighting. What did traumatize me was their the fact that they soon quit speaking to each other, so keep lines of communication open if you can.

Best to you,
J.

I just separated from my son's father two weeks ago. We, too, got pregnant very quickly. Our situations sound very similar. While I have a great deal of patience for what I am able to go through, I felt that I could no longer wait for changes because there were starting to be negative effects for my son (one year old). I have set his father free to address his issues from his own initiative, and will support him in whatever way I can, but am providing a safe, stable home for my son without his father. I cannot wait and hope for change while raising my son in a bad environment. If his father can change, that will be wonderful, and if he cannot, I will move on. I can't pressure him to make changes he doesn't want to make. I hope my recent decision helps you in your own process. Best of luck.

J., I highly recommend you read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner http://www.harrietlerner.com/pages/dance_of_anger.htm
There are two basic premises of the book. The first is that you can not change another person's behavior, the other is that anger is a response to a feeling (sadness, hurt, frustration, etc.) and until we can address our feelings our anger tends to not be very productive.

Good luck,M

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. The best relationship advice I've ever received (it transformed my life) was through Susan Page - she has a series of books and they all teach roughly the same thing - check it out on Amazon. My favorite in the series was "If we're so in love, why aren't we happy". It really opened my eyes to things I did to create disharmony in our relationship, and made me realize that the only person I could change and control is myself. Maybe there are ways you can avoid "pulling the switch" that are healthy for you and your family. Fortunately I was able to experiment with her advice and grow a secure and happy relationship before we had children together. Having the stress of a young baby at home will surely make things more challenging - but the good news is, after trying out some of these changes in yourself, you'll be able to better judge your situation and decide if it's something that can be saved or should be ended. I would be more than happy to buy and send you a copy if you like - I really believe in it that much. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can create a safe and loving home for your son.