Should I Be Upset? - Cincinnati,OH

You are unhappy with the family which is why you are airing all of the dirty laundry under one post. I was like that and after my dad passed in January--I released myself from them. I am free. You need to move away, go to med school and show them that you are a better person with ot without them (and their authentic LVs).

The only way to get what you want in life is to do it yourself.

You wanted to go to med school? Then go! I put myself through college, my brother put himself through college and countless others do it too. My parents couldn't afford to pay for my college so I did it myself. I worked hard and made it happen. You could too.

You want a genuine LV bag? Then earn the money and go get one.

I don't know all the ins and outs or your relationship with your dad, but if you want him to stop hurting you then stand on your own two feet and make your relationship with your dad be about things you can't purchase.

First of all the bag thing is kinda meaningless.
You need to examine your relationship with your dad. He is not the loving sweet man you fantasize about. Your dad is a control freak, an emotional and verbal abuser, a cheater and he is lying to himself and probably your step-mom.
You can make the choice to let him continue to control your life and all of your decisions or you can tell him to go pound sand and do what you want with your life.
He may disown you. He may ban you from seeing your siblings or them from you. But it's time to put on your big girl panties and live the life you want to live.

With much empathy, my advice is simply this:

Accept that your family and parents are never going to be the kind of people you want them to be. This story has less to do with money and more to do with attitudes. You cannot change them, and you cannot make them become better people.

(I could say "what do you expect from someone who is married and vacations with his 30 year old girlfriend?" because to me your father is consistently showing bad judgment.)

If you scrutinize it too hard, your father is really quite a manipulator. He gave you a reasonable representation of what you wanted, but made sure to put you in the position of being stuck, because who looks bad complaining about a gift? Only the recipient.

Listen, my mother (a master manipulator) would buy me clothes and coats that *she* liked, in *her size* for Christmas, knowing there was no way I would wear those styles or sizes. Then, when I asked if I could exchange them, she'd keep them for herself anyway and claim I didn't want them and how ungrateful... blah blah blah. I learned really quickly to just let it go. She had created a win for herself.

Create your own life, regardless of what your dad does or doesn't do. I know you are on the right track, just got stuck when this kind of b.s. comes up. I strongly recommend going to talk to someone (like a counselor) about how to get healthy in your thinking about your dad and your relationship with him, so when these sorts of weird little things happen, you can feel confident that this is really his wing-nut deal and you can become emotionally distanced from his actions. This isn't about YOU, it's about him, so the healthiest thing to do is to accept that you are the one woman in his life that 'isn't worth a real bag',(if you feel this was a malicious, deliberate deception) that it is ultimately your dad's loss, and move on.

He's stuck with the person he is creating himself to be. You don't have to do the same. :) Good luck!

Seriously?!

I agree with Reverand Ruby.

Time to grow up, leave the $$/controlling dad behind, and learn to make it on your own. You CAN!

"Some people are so poor all they have is money."

1. Go to medical school. Take out student loans like the rest of us and enjoy your life the way you want to live it.

2. Enjoy your Christmas money. Send your parents a thank you card.

3. Get over the stupid bag and the stupid bracelet. You're the silly fool who decided to use her Google Fu for evil instead of good by looking up how to identify a fake. If you'd never been so picky as to do that, you'd still be enjoying your bag.

4. You're 28. Do what you want to do and live how you want to live. You're too old to be butt-hurt about a silly handbag.

ETA: After reading your SWH and your SWH2, I'm just going to say this: Get counseling. And if you already have...find someone else, because they clearly aren't moving you in a positive direction.

You have major self worth issues. You insist you don't, but who the heck measures their self worth based upon whether something is name-brand or not?? " I don't need to carry fake things to make me feel more important." Uhm...no, you have to carry the real-deal to feel more important, and can't stand the idea of being caught with a fake. WHY???

I can understand to some extent. I was in an abusive/controlling relationship too. Sometimes I felt like I didn't know which way was up. You simply have to get help.

My husband's parents are RICH and use money to control people. I told him if we are going to stay married, we have to move and live on our own. He is handicapped and now fully disabled so he was scared to rock the boat. People warned him his medical bills and such would be high. They are. People warned him his parents might disinherit him. They didn't though for about 10 years we lived without gifts and cash that others got.
It was totally worth it, though I hated being in debt for medical bills. I was scared a few times, but I KNEW freedom was worth it.
Now, FINALLY, we have a real relationship. They can't control us with money and we bank all those checks. We paid off our debt ourselves and my husband learned what I long knew, we could make it on our own.
PRICELESS!!!

Let your daughter play with the bag and move on. It would be really difficult for me to respect a parent or parents that have a girlfriend the same age as their daughter in the picture. I wouldn't want the same stuff they get anyway, the girls in your family are bought and sold.

You were crippled for 7 years by your parents money. Because, unlike most people, you were completely cut off from student loans & grants & scholarships (since the EFC for wealthy families is 100%)... And even community college is too expensive for entry level & minimum wage jobs to pay for... Which is all you'd have qualified with no trade and no education.

But at age 24... You were unshackled from your parents wealth.

In theory, that's 4 years.

In reality... 7 years of being crippled, then married to an (if im remembering correctly?) abusive father of your child & desperately trying to reconnect with your family, divorcing your ex, and all the resulting upheaval has put your life back on hold for the past few years.

Time to unhold.

- 12 years of school, medschool, interning, residency = you'll be 40. 25 years of working left in front of you if you still want your MD. 30 if you already have your BS or BA and only need to reup your pre-reqs.

- Tons and tons of other career options available to you (healthcare of otherwise if you don't want your MD anymore).

Does it hurt when we get slighted, manipulated, controlled, fooled by others? Especially when others are being praised, helped, lifted up, doted over?

Yup.

You'll read tons of those posts here. Grandparents who play favorites. Parents who play favorites. Abusivd families of origin. Abusive spouses. Loving families with awful boundaries, or geography issues (lots of help for those who are close). Spouses who dont help woyh the kids. Exes who bail on yheir kids. Exes who hurt your kids. When the people we love hurt us... It hurts.

In my own life... When others don't try to not hurt me, I limit their ability to hurt me. Easier said than done. And there are a lot of different ways to do so (from cutting of contact, to not accepting gifts with strings, to moving, to laughing, to soooo many different ways people protect themselves.) Not easy. But when freedom isn't granted (has to be fought for), its almost never easy.

Worth it, though.

Really, you need to decide what is more important to you...your dream of being a doctor, or a purse.

Your father's approval as long as you do what he expects you to do, or being true to yourself and letting the chips fall where they may.

How about you decide to fund your own way through medical school, become a doctor, and then YOU can buy YOURSELF the real LV bag, if that's what matters to you.

You are 28 years old. By the time I was 28, I had been out of veterinary school 3 years, was fully independent of my parents and making my own decisions about how to live my life. Being part of a family is more than what they will buy for you or pay for you. Your father seems to think he can use money and material things to buy you your love, and keep you dependent on him, and you keep allowing it.

Time to cut the purse strings - literally.

I was interested in your situation until it suddenly derailed into Louis Vuitton bag-land.

Seriously, that's why you're posting? Not because of all the much more meaningful dad-quashed-my dreams material you have here? Can you re-read your own post and see how a stranger would feel that we'd been following a serious story of a relationship affected by money and control and suddenly we're talking about knockoff handbags instead?

A couple of questions:

Do you work and have an income? I did not see whether you do or not, though frankly I did lose focus after the bag became the issue.

If you have a job and an income, why is dad an issue? Why not start saving to go back to school or whatever you need to do -- without one penny from dad -- to restart the life you say he short-circuited for you by forcing you to study education? You say that he pays for everything, for everyone -- does he pay all your expenses? Or even some of them? Then he runs your life. If he is still after you about doing what he wants because he paid for college in the PAST -- that's done, and you're an adult.

If you do not have an income (either via a job of your own or a spouse's income), you need to get a job and stop letting dad pay for anything. If it has to be a teaching job, so be it; you may be better at it than you think. And it's your own earned income, not dad's money with strings attached.

You are very generous to say that his money comes from a place of love for you. It sounds more as if it all comes from his wanting to control you and your choices.

You are pushing 30 and still worried about what dad thinks (despite butting heads with him and trying to assert yourself, if you are taking his money, you are going to worry about what he thinks).

If I'm off track here and you have a job and dad does not pay for all or much of your living expenses -- I'm sorry. But it's not coming through in your post.

As for the bag, really, if you didn't care about an LV bag that much (your response was "Ehhhhh" -- until you got it), why do you care if it's a knockoff or not? Why does it matter? You're hurt they got you a knockoff? They may not have even known it was a knockoff and may sincerely have gotten you a real one. Let it go. Put the energy you're focusing on that bag into really cutting the strings dad has you tangled up in so tightly.

Four words.....

MAKE YOUR OWN PATH.

Period.

Your dad can't really stop you from doing or being anything you want.
Let the material stuff go.

You'll never be happy until your find your own worth.

Just my opinion.

Forget the bag (I didn't even know what "LV" meant until I scrolled through some of your responses!!), I'm still stuck on "The main problem is that if I want to do something that he doesn't want me to do, he refuses to help or support me in any way, which poses its challenges, as I'm sure anyone could imagine." No, I cannot imagine!! You are 28 years old! If you want to go to medical school, then go! Why is your dad supporting you anyway? I think that is a bigger issue. Would I be upset about being the only woman in my dad's life not worth an LV bag? Yes, I probably would. But in my opinion, you need to get out from underneath your rich dad and do your own thing. That's the only way you can eventually die happy.

The saddest thing to me in all of this is that girls have no worth in your family. Your dad is a rich chauvinist pig and he has women at his beck and call because of his money. Bleh.

You need to go to medical school and show him that women CAN be doctors. Sheesh! Is he living in the 1800s? Seriously go to school, get out from under his thumb and live without his support. You can do it. You sound very thoughtful and bright to me. Go for it. I get your hurt feelings over the purse, I really do. But don't let your dad control you like he controls other women. You're better than that.

How are you supposed to feel about getting a knock off bag?
They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. You probably feel like the other females in your life get authentic love and you get a knock off love. I would say that's probably true. Now what are you going to do with that truth? Really, they don't get his authentic love either, he is incapable of knowing what love is, he doesn't respect women. You can't make him love you, you can make him respect you or you can just live your life and stop worrying about this soap opera life your family leads. Get some counseling.

Withholding love is a power play of abusers. Give you just enough to keep you wanting more and ever hopeful of finding the right behavior to gain their love. Get some counseling at college.

Do you want an Authentic Life or the leftovers of others? I have an aquantences who I call Poor Little Rich Girl. PLRG always lives or dies by what her family gives her or withholds from her. Her happiness is never hers to own. Don't give away your power. Build your life. Get counseling.

It takes a long time and a lot of hard work and risk to accomplish anything substantial, including a medical degree or just a happy life. When you are discouraged, get counseling.

I would be insulted to get a knock off bag and esp to not be told about it. And from your situation I would be hurt as well because obviously your father can afford a real one yet for some reason gave you a fake( which perfectly shows how money CANNOT buy class).

Its time to cut the cord. Many people do it alone and so can you. You do not need your dad to go to med school.

At your age, you are old enough to support yourself. I put myself through both under-grad and graduate school. I made my own destiny.

Get a student loan and get back to school. Get on with your life and stop blaming your dad for this.

Now... if you are putting "worth" of love on a material item, then I think you would benefit from some counseling. Find your own worth within yourself and move forward with your life. You CAN do this!

So dig out those med school applications, check in with the financial aide folks and get excited about a new phase in your life! Good luck!

I think your analysis of the situation in your SWH is spot on. So the next question is...what are you going to do about it?

I understand that family is family, but your father has no respect for you or for women in general. That's as plain as day and must be very challenging to deal with. If I were you, I would not be able to respect someone who acts that way your father does, and I would have a very hard time allowing myself to be finacially dependent on someone who I don't respect and who would rather control me and treat me like a puppet than actually respect me as a person. Your father sounds like one of those people who doesn't realize that the rest of us aren't decorations or characters in his life story. That we actually are as important and valid as he is, and have our own life stories. If my dad acted that way, I would be full of hurt and resentment.

If you are still in school, then quit. Don't waste your time or his money on a degree that you don't want. Figure out how to support yourself and put yourself through school. I have no idea whether or not becoming an MD is a valid opportunity for you now (I don't know if you're a single mom or married) but there are plenty of other opportunities for careers in that field that don't take as long to train for.

I think you know that this is about way more than the bag. Time to stand on your own two feet - you can do it, and you deserve no less than to live YOUR own authentic life, not what HE decides is right for you. You are a grown woman. Stop letting him treat you like a child.

I understand your pain, but your family situation is really more toxic than the fake bag.

Were I you, I would be more upset by his crushing my life-long dream. Everyone who has the aptitude to become a doctor-needs to be a doctor. The girlfriend thing is creepy and unspeakable -he obviously has no regard for women-at all. The fact that he is so flagrant with his relationships and money is repugnant-I don't know why, if he is so wealthy, that he will not buy the mother of his Grandchild a handbag-he sounds angry-did this start around the time you had your daughter? Best of luck-I'm sorry things did not work out for you-but you are still young-make it happen!

So...everything that Riley said.
AND
I have had 2 people in my life that have hurt me like that, family playing favorites, never being good enough, all my choices are bad choices) And you know what I did? I cut them the hell out of my life. Until they could behave themselves. One learned to, the other hasn't yet, if she every will. It was very liberating, and I highly suggest it..

you have got to be kidding.
3 novels over a bag?
:O
khairete
S.

Cheerful mom said what I am going to reinforce.

You are not worth a handbag. Whether it be real or not.It is just a handbag. It does not represent the love a parent has..

You are watching and needing approval from a man surrounded by women.. His wife, daughters and a girlfriend.

It seems he controls all of your feelings through what he can give all of you.. Gifts, education.. I can tell what you want is his approval. and his permission to be yourself. But SJ. only you can take ownership to find your happiness on your own. NEVER depend on others to find your pride and happiness.

If you REALLY wanted to go to medical school, you would work your hardest to make that happen.. On your own. No one could stop you..

Our daughter just graduated from college and many of her friends are now working on being accepted to Medical school, or are now in medical school. These are young women who's parents do not have much money and one is the daughter of a family, that told her they would not help her with medical school. They had done everything for her education they were willing to do.

To her this was an honest conversation. It did not mean she could not go, it meant, she needed to figure out how to make it happen.. She is working, interning and applying for acceptance.. She passed the MCAT. so it is a matter of where she will be accepted and how to pay for it.

Start depending on yourself. Your self worth is based on what you do for yourself. Stay out of the drama. And do not start drama.

You can be whoever you want to be.

I am so sorry you are hurting and so sorry that your dad has his head stuffed up his bum too far to see that he has a valuable daughter with excellent goals and ideals.

You can't change him (which is a shame, because your dad sounds like he needs a brain transplant), but you can express yourself to him. What would happen if you said, "Someone brought to my attention that my Louis Vuitton is a knock off, did you know that you got ripped off?" or, "There is something wrong with my LV bag. Can I have the receipt so I can take care of the problem?", and see where the conversation leads.

Again, I understand that it's not just about the bag, it's about wanting to be loved and valued by your dad, no matter which path you choose. Hugs!

If you want to be a doctor and carry an authentic LV bag, do it yourself!
It's like you don't want the control of his influence, yet you want to dictate.
No O. has ever given us (my husband & I) anything and we sleep really well at night. You should try it!
Time to grow up and stand on your own two feet.
I'm sorry, as my grandfather used to say " you're crying with a loaf of bread under each arm"! Boo hoo.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED AND SOME OF THE OTHER ANSWERS:

If your self value is a "REAL BAG", you have NO value of SELF. You want to get REAL....Go help some people who are really in NEED. You hurt my heart girl.....It's hard to believe that you are responsible for another human being.

Sorry, you sort of lost me....and if you really want to pursue your own dreams, do it little by little and keep being nice to your father. Be nice, I don't mean suck up to him for money, I mean just nice and respectful without telling him classes you are taking and everything your doing. In other words, stay in the will.

Most of your story does not relate. What does your husband think?

I have no advise but I DO understand your feelings and you have every right to them. I am sorry your feeling this way

i did get past the topic and the lV bag issue, and try to look at it from your point of view. i agree with you, if it is really a knock-off you should have been aware of it, or at least you should make them aware that you know it's a knock off. me personally, i'd never walk around with a knock-off anything. i am into brand names (though i would never buy myself an LV bag only because of the price tag).
anyhow, back to you, if you know for sure, as in a 100 per cent sure that it is a knock off, tell your stepmom. just tell her. say that you were so excited bout finally getting a bag and that it got you into researching about the bag only to find out yours is a knock off. don't say that in a manner of question. just make a statement. then leave some room for her to reply. don't show any emotion one way or another, just say you found out it's a knock off. she will have to say something.
now if there is a chance she doesn't say anything (which, i don't see how she could not), but in case she doesn't say anything, then just proceed by asking where did they get it because you feel they got scammed and you want to get to the bottom of it. by this, you'll be asking her to tell you the place where it was bought from, and/or present a receipt. good luck

If you want a real LV buy one with your own money. You have been handicapped by your father's over bearing dominance in your life. Basically, you are jealous and upset that everyone else got a authentic designer bag but you. You should direct more of your energy on figuring out how to navigate your life as an independent adult, paying your own way. Make your own way in life...that's when it really becomes your life and not your dad's. This seems like a rant a high school aged girl would make.

Referring to the current situation, yes I'd be upset. Not because a genuine LV bag is so important, but because like you said everyone else got one. Are you sure theirs aren't knock-offs too??

I'd be more offended that he thought he could fool you and you wouldn't be smart enough to find out. Regardless of what anyone says on here, it's only human nature to be upset/hurt and it isn't as easy as saying just to let it roll off your back. I'd be tempted to confront him.

Yes you are allowed to and are in the right to be hurt. And I get it. It has nothing to do with the bag being fake but what the whole situation sums up to...you being less worthy.

I am trying to give you advice while not making this about me =). My family too equates love with material things and success with money. That kind of love can cripple. Sure it hurts. So feel the pain and then let it go. In the long run you will realize that it is a better good not to be the favored one.

You are not the issue here so do not allow yourself to feel lacking. I personally refuse to take responsibility for my parents actions and it is time you do the same. It is his money so if he buys you a fake bag with it or cash it to wipe a monkey's backside, take on the attitude that that is his prerogative.

As far as your personal life, stop trying and start taking control. If Medicine is your calling, give that a go. You are 28 so I don't understand how he can't let you. You have a daughter now and that in itself is a greater responsibility. In teaching her life's values, you may come to the conclusion that you are more blessed not to be the most favored.

S.J.

You are so, so much stronger than I think even you realize. Continue doing what you need to do to provide for yourself and your child. You are teaching your daughter valuable lessons; the best one is, how to land on your own two feet and support yourself.

I wish more people would read your tale and see how hard work and deteremination pay off. Being handing something does not make for either a strong work ethic or a strong backbone; you have both, because you have worked and fought for what you have.

Good for you for sticking up for YOU and what you believe in. Your life and that of your daughter will be richer for it.

I would be totally pissed that it was a knock off to be sure. If even a girlfriend gets the real deal then his own flesh and blood should have got one too. That's just the way to treat family.

On the other hand I would suggest you do this. Start back to school and let dad pay. Take one or two classes per semester that are pre-med and just tell him you want to teach science. Then when you graduate, even if it takes a couple of extra years, and you get accepted to medical school find out if you can get some loans or something to pay for the years you'll be there. I am sure that once you graduate and go into practice or go where you're supposed to be you can either repay the loans or you can show dad how fitted you are for this career. Either way you'll have your education and have the ability to move forward in the medical field.

By telling him the science classes are for his ideal, of you teaching, you can tell him you'll be teaching science and that's the truth. When you have enough seniority you'll have lower students you'll be teaching.

So in the long run use dad's preferences for your own progress and get that pre-med degree.

One thing too, if you are going to school full time and dad is paying for it but you're an adult with a child are you working? Going to school? Living at home? on your own? if your life circumstances are such that you can get grants for school then dad is not the responsible one to pay anyway. If he is paying though does he have to be allowed access to your grades/class schedule? You can be a student and him not really have too many details about the actual path you are following.

Yes, you should be upset.. I would be. If everyone else got the real thing, then you should have too. But ask yourself, who was in charge of buying you the gift? I bet your step mom or the girlfriend bought it and gave it to your dad to "give to you". So if you should be upset with anyone, it should be the one who actually picked out the knock off purse.

Yes, you should be upset. And you describe all the reasonable reasons for being upset. Then with the rest of the history, I suggest that your father isn't able to accept your feelings let alone understand them. I would stop expecting anything from him while accepting whatever he wants to give me with some exceptions. I would give the bag back to him and tell him that you'd rather carry an inexpensive purse than a knock off. I would also tell him how I felt. And then I'd leave the room so I wouldn't be waiting to get understanding from him. I think it's important to tell him how you feel and even more important to not expect acceptance and understanding. By telling him you're standing up for yourself.

I had a father similar to yours in that he wasn't aware of feelings at all. If I said I was hurt or angry he'd say I shouldn't be and that was the end of the conversation. For too many years I thought he had to accept my feelings, be sympathetic, etc. to show his love for me. When he was old and ill I finally realized that he did love me but didn't know how to show it and then I felt freedom from the need to get him to love me. He was emotionally handicapped. I went into therapy and healed my emotions so that I could love myself without the need for his approval.

Perhaps you could have your father pay for counseling so that you can get past this emotionally abusive form of a relationship with your father. And so you could move on to get the education you deserve.

About medical school. You do not need your father's approval or money to work on that goal. It will be harder when you have to pay your own way but it can be done. I would hope that you'd stop blaming your father for not getting a degree. A degree in anything is worthwhile. A business degree would help you earn more money which would help you pay for further education. I don't understand why you didn't continue with the law degree. Sounds like you didn't have a child then. I know of many students who are and have put themselves thru school.