Should I Feel Hurt? Because I Do ....

Wow.. No that's not being too sensitive. That's not a marriage.

My husband is the home body. He works a very intense, stressful job where he spends the majority of the day on the phone or in meetings.. he hates going anywhere where he has to socialize.. with that being said, I am the opposite.. I love gong out, traveling, and seeing my friends and family. My husband has about a handful of friends, but rarely sees them..

If my husband wanted to go to the beach with just his friends, go to weddings, do all these things but not with me I'd suspect something was up.

If this had been on going, I'd suggest counseling. Give him the benefit of the doubt to save his marriage if he wants it.. if he shows no interest doing so.. you need to be prepared to make a decision..

I have taken charge of these situations. I know my husband if I ask if he wants to go he will ALWAYS say no...every time. BUT if I book it and handle all the details he will go and have a good time.

So, I will usually tell him block of "x" dates I have booked up a trip to "whatever" from going out to dinner for a special occasion to a family get away. He has a good time but he doesn't want to think about it in advance or have any part of planning it.

I handle the fiances so I know what we can afford. For awhile I wished he would just to do it for me...but he won't and never will. So, I take care of it.

Just booked Universal Studios for spring break...all he asked was the dates and if we could afford it....I told him the dates and said yes we can and he is a happy and excited about family vacation looking forward to not having to do a thing but pack his suitcase and go.

Maybe this will help??

wow. If Tyler did this to me? I'd tell him counseling or it's over. I'm really sorry you are going through. You can feel however you want to feel. I know I'd be upset.

This is not a marriage, nor is it my idea of a marriage.

Did you have these problems BEFORE you married him? If so, WHY on earth did you marry him? Did you think he was going to magically change?

You're not his maid or his personal chef. You're his wife. That means you do things TOGETHER. Not 100% of the time, but more than it seems you are.

No, you're not being too sensitive, sounds like he's being a jerk!!! My husband used to be like that and we almost got a divorce over it! It felt like we were living separate lives - me and the kids in one life, him in his own. He never did anything with me OR with kids and I. I learned to just plan what kids and I were going to do and then invite him, if he said no, then I'd invite one of my friends. I just accepted it this way for YEARS, then I had enough of it. I told him that if he's not going to fully be in the marriage with me, then I want out, I want my freedom so I can find someone who DOES want to spend time with me. I guess this woke him up cause now he does all sorts of things with us (yes, even the beach for a short while which he says he hates! LOL) AND he's been scheduling things for just him and I - dinners, night out etc. Not many, but enough. You know your hubs best, but I'd def let him know just how much this is hurting you and then you might need to make some decisions from that.......

It sounds as if he wants to spend time with everyone else but you, which is a red flag. I would have a serious talk with him regarding the status of your marriage and maybe try counseling.

you've been putting up with being shoved to the back burner and marginalized for 8 years?
no, you shouldn't feel hurt. that's wimpy.
don't get mad either. that only hurts you more.
get powerful.
tell him if he likes his friends better than you, to have a ball with them. that you won't get in the way. that he has 3 months to prove to you that you are the most important relationship he has, and if that's not the case, you'll both go your merry ways.
i'd actually like my husband to have MORE friendships outside our marriage, but there's no way i'd tolerate being this unimportant to my spouse.
khairete
S.

Ask him if he wants to be married to you. If he says yes, ask him what marriage means to him. Try to get it out of him the real reason he doesn't make you a priority; do you guys fight a lot, do you not like to do the same things, how many kids do you both have,is he attracted to you, etc. Get a marriage workbook and a book for yourself to read about marriage and maybe a book for you about self esteem.

Best wishes

Don't ever ask someone if you should feel the way you do. Your feelings are your feelings so don't ever question that.

My ex husband was like this with me. Notice I said EX. It got to the point that I just did stuff with my mom and the kids. After dealing with some other issues with him and him crying and BEGGING me not to leave him, I gave him another chance. Told him EXACTLY what I wanted changed and even gave him a time frame to do it. At the end of that time, he did NONE of it. So I kicked him out and divorced him.

I was not his priority, nor were the kids. He made that very clear by his actions or lack thereof. So at age 39 I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being unhappy so I got divorced, dropped all the negative people in my life and made some changes.

Now I'm happily remarried. You need to have a SERIOUS talk with your husband. Tell him flat out if he doesn't start respecting you and your marriage then you may have to look into separating. I did not take my divorce lightly nor would I suggest it lightly to someone. But life is way too short to spend it unhappy. He either needs to make you a priority or you can find someone who will. Good luck!

I don't know why you think you are too sensitive. I don't read it that way at all. I think you have a huge, serious problem.

I don't know what you mean by "I've read the responses" - have you posted this on other websites? I don't see any meanness in the responses so far.

You have a significant marriage problem. Your husband makes time for everyone else, spends money with everyone else, and belittles you or dismisses you when you want to talk about it. If this were me, I would get immediate counseling and strongly request that he attend. A good husband will understand that, even if he doesn't see a problem, YOU see a problem, and therefore, well, there's a problem. If he goes, great. If he doesn't, you should go by yourself and figure out why you want to be married to someone who doesn't care about you, your feelings, your presence, your anniversaries, and your needs. You need to work with a counselor to develop strategies to make yourself happier, either in this marriage with big changes, or on your own.

Yes you should be hurt he is a jacka$$. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.

I recommend counseling for you. You need to figure out why you are putting up with his behavior.

I don't think you're being too sensitive. Your husband is not being a good partner in this respect. I think you should have a frank discussion with your husband and tell him you want a boyfriend and want to date. Tell him you really hope it will be him. Tell him your needs are just not being met and that he should stop taking you for granted.

I'm sorry and I sincerely hope it works out!

Has he always been this way, or has something changed? If he has always been this way, did you think you were going to change him? If this is new behaviour you need to find out what is going on. Of course you have the right to feel hurt. He is being a jerk. Personally, I would just make plans without him. Live your life and have fun. Don't depend on him to be happy.

My husband doesn't enjoy the beach very much. He may join me once or twice a summer. The rest of the time I go alone or with friends. I know he doesn't enjoy the beach, so I don't expect him to go to the beach. I think we are both happier that way. I have also brought a friend as a date to many dinners/wedding/parties because my husband doesn't enjoy them. Again, I enjoy a night out with friends. Now, if he decided he liked doing these things with other people, I would not stand for it. He can't put his friends ahead of you.

Of course you have a right to your feelings. I would point-blank ask him why his relationship with his friend takes higher priority than his marriage. And if he says you're being too sensitive, well, he's still not answering the question, is he? He's trying to change the subject to avoid answering the question. I think he owes you an answer to that question.

A friend of mine just got last year divorced because her husband had the same attitude. She tried many years to engage him in activities and none where good enough but he spent time with other people. Similar scenario.

She is 43 and found a lovely new partner. It was hard for her and the 3 adult kids. He now blamed her not being patience with him to adjust to her needs but they where married 20years+ and he refused the last 10 years to spend more time with her. How long did he expect her to wait? Seems he saw the convenience in her to take care of everything but showed no respect to care for her.

Just do a list of your expectations and ask him to do the same. If you think he is the one and only try to go counseling. If you feel you have exhaust all your possibilities and your feelings are not met do something about it.

Yes you have a right to be hurt! What a jerk.I would tell him that you need to do marriage counseling together or else end the marriage. It's important to me that my husband and I are friends and that he actually wants to hang out with me. We usually hang out together with his friends and/or with my friends. Of course on occasion I will do something without him and on occasion he will do something without me....but most of the time we want to be together. Your marriage sounds lonely. PS - My husband is not into celebrating anniversaries or gifts and I know this about him. This is not as important. I will plan something with him and we will even plan out what gifts we will give ourselves for Christmas! Not so romantic...but I don't care about that. What is important is that we are friends and are a team and enjoy being together. I hope that counseling can help your husband see this.

You are not being overly sensitive at all. I would do what Amanda W. did. It's really not fair to you to be in a marriage where you're being hurt on a consistent basis. If he can't see that, there are some big problems there. Talk to him seriously and even if you feel stupid, DO NOT dismiss your feelings. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being overly sensitive or not. They are your feelings and you deserve to be heard. Good luck to you.

I suggest a counselor. You have every right to feel hurt and he is either shutting you out intentionally or taking you for granted and not really hearing you AT ALL. *hugs*

Not only do you have a right to feel hurt, you have a right to file for divorce. This man doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. He takes you for granted.

All of us have the right to feel anyway we want to feel. Feekings show us something is wrong (or right). Then we know we have to fond out how to fix whatever it is.

For myself, I've learned the reason a someone else is doing or not doing whatever I'm upset about, is at least part of the problem is mine. In counseling, I learned the difference between aggression and being assertive. Agrees I've is when we tell the other person off. Assertive is when we use I statements to say what we need. We follow it up with acknowledging that the other person has feelings too. Be partners in finding a solution satisfactory for both people. We have to let go of our anger. We have to open ourselves up in letting the other person know how we feel and why. Start with something like, "I miss doing things with you. I am hurt when you won't go to the beach with me and the kids, and later went to the beach with friends."

The way we ask for something influences what happens next. Anger always makes the other person defensive and gets in the way.of productive communucation. I suggest you read about Nonviolent Communication. There are books and Web sites.

You and your husband have developed a pattern over the past 8 years. Turning this around will be difficult. I suggest going to counseling, either alone or with him.

You've probably not had date nights or been together with kids without having fun. You make plans for dinner alone with him, without the kids. Tell him the day and time. Discuss why this is important to you and him. Suggest you want to spend time together so your relationship will be happier. Again, don't accuse him. Make all statements about yourself and how you feel.

You be the one that gives him a hug. Touch him while you are together. If one of your husband's activities seem a bit interesting to you, talk about, find ways to be involved.

Stop inviting him to activities. Plan them with him or at the least talk about them when he's around. Give him some choices as you talk.

This will not instantly help. Remember, 8 years to get here. I suggest the most helpful thing to do is starting counseling, first for yourself so you can work out your feelings, learn helpful ways to think and act.

Of course, your husband may not be willing to work together. We don't know you or your husband so we can only give suggestions.

When he says you're too sensitive, don't defend your feelings. Say, "never or less, this is a problem that we need to change. Never argue with him. Walk away when he isn't able or willing to talk. You need support. A counselor will be supportive.

I'll separate a comment about "his actions" from one about "your feelings".

His actions: I'm not sure how old he is, obviously he is "an adult" but, he sounds VERY immature. I'll use the wedding stuff as one example - a wedding is usually a gathering of people who are special in the lives of the bride+groom, and, weddings are often expensive...especially when a bride+groom are paying a few hundred dollars per plate for their wedding guests, they invite people who they would really like to have there, like you AND ALSO your husband...and it's not necessarily going to be "cool" to substitute your friend X!! For your husband to not recognize the value of celebrating the wedding of people who cared enough to invite him, and, for him to casually suggest that you "bring a friend" - seems like an immature (and clueless) response.

Your feelings: It sounds like you are totally justified in feeling hurt!! And I am sorry that you are dealing with that. Could you try developing a weekly "date night", or "date day"? At least that would be one day/night that you could be guaranteed to be with him? And you could develop a list together of fun things to do.

Beyond all of that, it might be good to go to counseling.

Tell him that it's important to you that you two spend time together and if he'll meet you halfway on at least one thing that you guys could enjoy together. Ask him what HE wants to do and if anything on the list suits your fancy too. Short of this, if he still says No, I'd really wonder if he even wants to stay in this marital relationship with you....and if not, then you'd have to ask yourself the BIG Question.

Oh no, I wouldn't say you're being sensitive. A lot of men say that to deflect problems off of them. Like when they are cheating, you call them on it (or signs you've seen that led you to this conclusion), they will call you "crazy". It sounds to me like he wants to spend time with his friends. It, also, sounds like he is unwilling to do things with you or spend time with you. I'm wondering why he is doing this? Yes, you have a right to feel hurt. I think it's very weird that he wouldn't go to a wedding with you but then turns around and attends a wedding w/o you taking someone else. The anniversary thing? A lot of men won't initiate/book a place for the two of them. It's the other stuff that bothers me. It seems, from what you've written, that he doesn't do much with you. Does he watch tv w/you, walk with you, have dinner with you at the table, go out to eat with you? He sounds evasive, a bit mean, stand offish, selfish and again....like he doesn't seem to want to spend much time with you. Try talking to him, just about every day stuff, spending time with him in the living room watching tv, find common ground for things like food/shows. Don't expect anything for your anniversary. If I were you, I wouldn't celebrate it. Just note it to yourself. My husband is a pretty good guy and we never celebrate our anniversary. I don't care. He does other stuff for me: work hard, bringing in most of the money, cleaning out the gutters etc.

You have to watch that you don't constantly complain and say "We never go out" or "You never spend time with me" and "You hurt me". Because some men (my ex for example) would find that reason enough to go out with others and feel that was justification for not spending time with me.

Be proactive. Find something you both would enjoy, make plans and tell him you'd like to do it as a couple. If he says no, then instead of saying "I'm hurt" say that you find it rude or disrespectful to do things with friends, but not you.

Then decide what you're going to do about it. Go from hurt to action. How do you feel about him? Instead of hurt, I'd be pissed. Process that feeling, then decide what you need in your marriage. If he doesn't deliver - then counseling for you might help. If he won't go, it will help you sort out your feelings and what your course of action will be.

Because otherwise, after 8 years, I doubt he'll change. Whatever you are doing is not working. He's not putting in any effort. I'd be hurt, yes, but I'd take action. Don't wait around expecting him to change.

YES. of course you have a right to feel hurt. I want to kick your husband and give him a hard lecture about how your partner in life (your spouse) is suppose to be priority number 1. I have no idea how old you are, but he sounds immature. I'd tell him to make me priority number 1 or I'm leaving.

When you marry, your spouse takes all priority over everything(including kids). Friends? Please. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like a queen.

It sounds like your husband has been acting this way for 8 years. Probably since you dated. Was this something you thought you could change? Be honest here. Cause if you did, it's obvious that you can't. The way I see it, you have a few choices. If you're happy with everything else, then make some friends and enjoy that time. If your not happy at all, you may have some decisions to make. You can always try therapy (which he likely won't go to) or just go alone.

Good luck!

8 years?? No way could I go on that long with the same things and not communicate effectively (meaning a solution is reached) about how I felt about the issues. Why do you let him get away with it?

It's not okay that he does it ALL THE TIME. It would NEVER be okay with me for my husband to refuse attending an event with me, but then to go with friends. My husband has attended a wedding without me before. It was the weekend after I had major surgery...or I would have gone. I have attended events without him - I can't honestly remember the last one though.

As far as anniversaries - tell him exactly what you expect. If he doesn't do it, why do you keep putting up with it? I don't think I could nicely explain anything to my husband after nicely asking for 8 years.

Hubby isn't interested. You're just now speaking up about your feelings to him but the damage is done. Sorry you're in this situation.

I find that couples who meet and really like each other and have fun, do things, go places, and more end up marrying because they like "That" person.

When a person becomes a mom, working helps them keep part of that personality but SAHM's often get so caught up in that life that they change into a different person that the hubby doesn't really like anymore, loves their life and family but really wants to go hang with their friends.

So it's up to you to take stock of yourself. What do you go do with him that you both enjoy? Why aren't you going to the beach with him and his friends? Why is he leaving you at home? Why wouldn't you go with him to any activity that he's going to?

You might think about being YOU, enjoy your hobbies, find your interests that you've lost sight of, find what you need to feel good about you again.

I'm not saying change to please him, GOOD GRIEF, NO! I'm saying we all change into mom, housewife, caregiver, parent, and we aren't that fun loving single girl that attracted that guy. Not saying you have to pretend to be a teenager either. Just saying that being your own person with interests and fun things and loving your own life is way more attractive than the little woman who sits at home waiting for hubby to come and interact with..