Should I Punish or Not?

What did he do? Since he confessed and ask about punishment, I would ask him what punishment does he think he deserves. My thinking is for a six year old to fess up about something that happened months ago, he must have been carrying around a boat load of guilt and that might be punishment enough for the little guy.

Blessings.....

I wouldn't "punish", but I would introduce the concept of restitution or penance. Punish is a negative. Guide him toward something positive he can do.

I am not a fan of the "start over from here" or "tomorrow's another day" method. My son has emotional and behavioral problems, and I can't tell you how many people have said that to him when they should have dealt with the situation. And I really don't understand telling him what the punishment *would have been* if he'd fessed up sooner. Since he delayed long enough, it's okay? Really? This is one of those "to each their own" moments for me. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances that I'm just not aware of, because it doesn't make sense with the info you've given. Hoping it works out the way you're hoping.

Children lie to protect themselves. Oddly enough, children also lie to protect their parents from being shamed/disappointed.

The strongest message we can give our children to reduce lying is:
"I will be proud of you if you tell the truth. In fact, I will be more proud of you than if you had not erred in the first place."

It sounds like he has been punishing himself for the last few months, wallowing in guilt and fear. Yet, he still came forward to you. Wow.

Figure out what his punishment *would* have been, had you caught him. Tell him what that would have been. Then tell him that you are so proud that he told the truth that you are cancelling all punishment. Thank him for speaking truth and celebrate his honesty.

If there was anything damaged or anyone hurt, work with him to figure out a way to repair the damage. If he endangered himself or others, work with him to figure out a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Good luck!

Maybe something like this:

Your punishment for the misbehavior and lying is no video games for 4 days (whatever timeframe you deem appropriate, and whatever thing/activity important to him.)

But since you decided ON YOUR OWN to do the RIGHT THING and tell the truth, we will take 2 days off that punishment, and that leaves you with 2 days with no video games (or whatever said punishment is.)

You didn't say what the original misbehavior was, so 4 days might be harsh, or not enough to start with. Make sure the punishment fits the crime.

Basically, start with a greater punishment, but reduce that for the good choice to tell the truth on his own. That way, he'll see that there is punishment for misbehavior/lying, but his good choice in coming forward with the truth was recognized. And make sure he knows he's forgiven.

ETA: As I think about this, it seems to me the important lesson here is that your son is developing/does have a conscience. He felt guilty for what he did and lied about months ago, and that's the MOST IMPORTANT thing. AND he confessed. There's a lot of good going on there. As I rethink this, I might be more lenient about a punishment because clearly, he's getting it. I would definitely punish, because you don't want to undo any good that was done by teaching him that all he has to do is confess his misdeed and he'll get off scott free, but I'd just be sure to look at the big picture here. He cared that he misbehaved and lied. And he had the courage to confess. That's awesome. Way to go mom. And son. :)

Restitution for older kids-like 6-is GREAT because they feel rewarded by paying for what they did, as well as having a tangible physical result and (unpleasant) experience to their wrong choice, and a way to "make good on it". My oldest is 5 and hasn't been caught lying since she fibbed at 3, but we have lots of cousins in this age range who rarely act up, lie, and all that, but when they do, they are given hard chores to do.

They HATE the chores, but they always feel a sense of satisfaction when they're done. They also get thanks and credit for doing the job. However, the next time they get a warning along with a , "Hey, I wouldn't do that, because the garage shelves need to be cleaned off and washed, or the firewood needs to be moved up to the house" they LISTEN. It's not as pointless and unrewarding as sending a moping kid to brood in their room without a video game or something, which tends to make behaviors worse over time when people allow the angry kid to go self implode in their room over how they've been slighted and denied something.

They will sometimes ALSO remove a privilege until it can be earned back if the offense warrants compounded discipline, but toys and things of that nature area luxury to begin with, and removing them is sort of a lack of consequence since there is still nothing serious for the child to experience for their actions. Also, these kids have lots of chores to begin with, so having extra ones is a drag. It's doesn't put a sour face on chores in general.

I would give your son lots of praise for coming forward with the truth and give him a way to "pay it off" and illustrate that his consequences for the lie would have been a lot worse. Emphasize your pride in the truth. I would say to skip the consequence too, but kids really do like earning back their respect. Either one would be good in this case. You know your son.

Just a thought! And congrats on having a child with a great conscience! The discpline you've been using so far has accomplished that :)

Don't punish him...I think if u punish him he will then see no point in telling you the truth and maybe feel like he cant come to u but obviously now he feels like he can talk to u I agree with peg M. his journey was already pretty long he's been through enough : )

It's hard for me to come up with a suggestion without knowing more details of what he did wrong and lied about. With the information given and months have gone by "I" wouldn't punish because he has clearly learned his behavior was wrong (and isn't this the whole purpose of punishment?) However, I would encourage him to do something positive, something nice for someone so he can learn the other side of things; how rewarding it is to help someone in need. I think your son sounds great for coming clean, I would also explore his reasoning leading up to how/why he confessed now and not earlier, did someone else know and was there blackmail? Six year olds are very capable of this on the playground. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

He already suffered the consequences, internally, per his own emotions.
He confessed, already. Too.
That is enough.

He DID tell you the truth.
Even if it was delayed.
He came clean.

talk with him. Which you already did.
Don't KEEP on lecturing about it.
It is done.

I would not punish him anymore.
He already punished himself.
With his own, mind and emotions.
It was already, a learning experience for him.

I think for this time, since he confessed to you and was terrified about it, that you should NOT punish him.

What will come out of not punishing him is that he will trust you in the future and he will continue to share with you. He did something good and positive -- he came forward and confessed. That deserves a reward, not a punishment.

You said everything exactly right -- now show him that you are a good person to confide in, and don't punish him. This will serve you very well when he's a teen.

If you feel you have to punish him, I like the idea of a chore, as Amy suggested. A chore isn't really a punishment, it's helping the family, so it's a win-win.

When my girls confessed what they had done, I did not punish them because I wanted them to always come to me with things. If I punished them for telling me things, then they would stop telling me. So, I would not punish him. However, I would be very strong in telling him to do right, but if he doesn't he should tell you as soon as possible. Also, emphasize that if he keeps doing wrong, but thinks he can get away with it by telling you, then you will have to change your plan and he will have to start getting consequences for his actions.

I personally think you should give some sort of s consequence . Mainly because your son is being such a responsible, good kid by owning up to his responsibility and confessing. And by him asking you what his punishment will be, shows that he wants to follow through with his responsibility. He wants to be "a man" and own up to it. Hence, you need to help him "take the consequences" (out of love for him, not out of anger). He is smart enough to understand when you explain that sometimes when we do something wrong, even if we confess, the responsible thing is to accept the consequences. We confess because it's the honorable thing to do, and not because we want to avoid consequences. However, when we are honest, the punishment is usually less severe. Still,regardless, we tell the truth 'cause it's the right thing to do. Period.

However, having said all this, you seem to be doing such a good job raising your fine, responsible son that I'm sure whatever you decide to do (punish or not), he will turn out to be a wonderful young man. There is really no ONE definitive answer to everything. What matters is that we, as parents, always do our best to teach our kids right from wrong. Your consistency and efforts is what that matters in the long run, because we will never always get it perfect everytime.

Hi Jamie, Let this one go, BUT let him know that in the future lieing and misbehaving will have consequences. It sounds like he is sorry and he understands what he did was wrong. Forgive and forget this one. J.

I'd say your son experienced the natural consequence of his lie already. He apparently suffered over it so much, he could no longer keep it a secret from you, and confessed in spite of his fear of punishment. That's a pretty amazing journey he's taken over this one lie, and it sounds like something he's not likely to do again anytime soon. If there's anything further he might reasonably do to make good on the original issue, then ask him to do that.

Think about the reason for punishment – it's some combination of giving the perp time to consider why the action was wrong, to take him out of the situation in which he is likely to repeat the behavior, to bring about a change of heart and reduce the desire to repeat the misbehavior. Your 6 year old probably won't get more 'benefit' from additional punishment. And it may make it harder for him to 'fess up next time he realized he did something wrong and feels sorry about it.

Incidentally, here's a most excellent article on why kids lie: http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

Let your son choose the punishment. He'll likely be harder on himself than you would be. You may down grade his choice by a little if you choose as a thank you for the confession. But, to let him off the hook entirely is, I believe, unwise. Would a judge let him off the hook at 17, after lying, concealing the truth, then confessing and saying sorry a few months later? Probably not, hence why I advocate only a minor reduction for a late confession.

Honesty right away is the lesson you want to convey.

Good luck!

it was done a few months ago? i probably wouldn't punish then. you spoke with him about lying, etc. i wouldn't want to be punished for something that i did a few months ago. especially if it wasn't that big a deal and only misbehaving. we all mishbehave. as long as he realizes what he did was wrong, i think it would be fine. i think that he punished himself. he was obviously sorry and scared and felt bad. if he does it again, than i would punish.

Of course punish him. Don't set up a precedence of non-punishment. But because he confessed on his own, you tell him how much you respect him for that. You give him a suitable 6 year old punishment (time out, no movie or allowance that week, whatever) and afterwards discuss what he did, ask him if he knows other choices he could have made, thank him for telling you, and kiss each other and tell him you're proud of him for coming to you and telling you. Then he won't be so afraid to tell you the truth in the future.

It kind of depends on what he did... personally I would give some kind of consequence for the misbehavior, but not punish the lying. You've already addressed that by talking with him about the importance and he "came clean" on his own.

Depending on what he did, I would take away some kind of priviledge for the afternoon- swimming, t.v., playdate.. something, but make sure it's somewhat related to the "crime".

If he broke something, he needs to help you around the house today.
If he hurt someone, he needs to do something helpful for that person.
If he abused a priviledge, it is taken away for a day
etc

We give our kids a chance to tell the truth even if they lied first. If they tell the truth, we just punish them for the behavior or whatever they did wrong, if they lie they get a punishment for the lying too. If they admit the truth, even after they lied first, we don't punish for lying because they changed their mind. Usually, we give them the opportunity to tell the truth.

Sounds like you were a great Mom and handled it perfectly.

Well I would talk to your son about what he did and lying and why he lied. Then I would say, "what do you think I should do?" what do you think would be fair for misbehaving and then lying" see what he has to say it might surprise you.

Hello, I think it is possible that your son has punished himself quite enough. I think talking to him about lying and trust probably helped for the next time. I would ask him what punishment he feels would be appropriate. You didn't say what he had done, so I am not sure if it is something that he really needs to be punished for or if just talking it out may have been enough. Either way, he seems like he is honest because he felt so guilty. When I was raising my kids and now with my grandkids, I didn't punish, I used "the consequence fits the crime" method. Sort of like cause and effect.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

once at church the pastor had 2 children come up front. he gave one a paper plate and a tube of toothpaste. he told the little boy to squeeze all the toothpaste out onto the plate. the kid had a ball squeezing it all out. pastor said the toothpaste is like a lie. he told the other little boy to put it all back in the tube. the little boy froze. his eyes got wide. the pastor went on to explain that like the toothpaste once a lie is out there you can't take it back. and it affects other people. we always make the boys do manual labor when they have a consequence. something that benefits the entire household. that can sometimes go along with a grounding of some sort but it gets the point across lol.

Punish him for the lying, but forgive (of course depending on what it was!) the actual action.

You handled it exactly right. There should be a consequence but not a "punishment". Punishing teaches kids not to be forthcoming in the future and leads them to lie more. You also took time to think - bravo. The best consequences are those that kids come up with themselves because they're more compliant. See if he can come up with something reasonable.

because he is at that age he can process better I would ask him what punishment he would think is acceptable for the lie and seperately for the action. and have a talk with him about it. Obviously do not punish him for the action now but maybe consider for the lie based on what he comes up with. Even if you do not punish him this time, next you should so he knows he won't get off all the time.

I would ask him what he thinks is an appropriate resolution. I find that with my kids, the punishment they thought was due was far worse than anything I would have thought up.

I agree with Krista--focus on the *crime* not the lying.

I think it's a good sign that he confessed on his own and definitely talk about how much better honesty feels.

The goal is to help him learn to make better choices and understand how lying affects his relationship with you & others. Is there a consequence (rather than a "punishment") for breaking that trust or something that he can do to rebuild your trust?

Good luck!

I think some kind of consequence for lying is called for. No TV for the day, or whatever. You want to be gentle about it, since he did come to you, and you want to reinforce that behavior. But he does need to understand that lying about it is wrong.
So if you do nothing, that's rewarding the lying.