Sibling Fights - Riverside,CA

Siblings don't have to like each other, but they do have to be at least as civil as they would be to a stranger.
No name calling.
Divide and conquer - send them to separate rooms - if they can't play nice together then they don't get to play together at all.
Also - privileges (phone, tv, computer, video games, etc) are all constantly earned by good behavior (getting home work done, getting chores done, being respectful to parents and each other).
Bad behavior means a privilege was not earned and if they lose it every time, they'll learn to get their act together sooner than later.
You and husband (and hopefully his ex) should be on the same page discipline wise.

My boys are never allowed to call each other a name. PERIOD. If I heard that the hammer would fall....hard. I also agree that you and your husband need to get together on this....Good luck!

Not sure what you are looking for from us exactly, there is a whole family dynamic that we don't know anything about, including how long you've been married, what dad's discipline (or lack of) consists of, what mom does, who the kids live with the majority of the time, what dad and mom consider acceptable and appropriate behavior, etc etc etc etc etc etc

However, that said, I could not stand by and do nothing while a 12 yr puts a 9 yr old in any kind of choke hold. NOT going to happen in my presence, not in any scenario outside of a martial arts class. And I say that as a parent of a 10 yr old and 13 yr old who in fact TAKE Jiu Jitsu and Tang Soo Do both. They have even been instructed by their teacher that they are NEVER to attempt/do a move that involves "tapping out" OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL/CLASS where they are under direct supervision of the instructor during class time.
I honestly do not care who or what the "rules" are by others... I will not allow that to go on in a home setting in my presence. It's dangerous.

Yes, I agree being a step parent is very difficult. I am a step parent to 1 of 3 with my husband. We also have issues as well. I have to remind myself and my husband that I am not a babysitter but that I am also a parent to my step son. We have been married 5 years and we are still trying to figure it out. I don't really have any advice for you just want you to know you are not alone. Good luck

Well, this is definitely different than what anyone else has said, but my daughter's oldest two boys, 2-1/2 year age difference, got tired of her boys fighting all the time and never cooperating with each other. So, she tied them together. That way, they HAD to learn to work together. It really worked. Before that, they were so bad that I had rule that they could only visit me one at a time because I couldn't stand all their fighting. After the "tie-up" they got along great and still do. Don't get me wrong, they still have their disagreements, but no where near as often and they have learned to be tolerant of each other which cuts down on all the arguing. I know it's a little "outside the box," but it got us the results we wanted!

Give your husband this book and read it also.

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too [Paperback]
by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author)

They wrote about workshops they held regarding this issue, and what they've learned through all of the discussions about ways to handle sibling fights.

This sounds corny, but it works. When they start arguing, or when you hear it, tell them "If you choose to continue to fight and argue you choose to not have friends over for xxxxx". Just insert whatever consequence you think will work. Don't listen to the back story, just tell them that the choice is theirs. Then follow through. It doesn't take many times of having them choose the consequence before they stop arguing. The key is that it gives them the power - you aren't nagging, or yelling, or threatening. You are calmly telling them their options then allowing them to choose. It honestly works. Now if I even start the sentence "if you choose..." my 9 yo will say "yea yea, I got it, we'll stop", lol.

I'm with Elaine B. all the way. If I ever heard my kids calling each other names, ESPECIALLY a word that can be considered a hate crime when used, they would have to worry much more about me whooping their asses instead of each other.

Yes, it IS hard being a step parent (I've done that in the past).

You have 2 things working "against" you :
1) You are the step parent
2) You are a woman

Men handle things differently, for sure -
and men with sons is an ENTIRELY different "world".

If things happen on your watch, you should only intervene if it seems someone is going to get seriously hurt (I'm talking blood being shed or the young one passing out from being in a choke hold).

I know it's hard....we (as women) want to get involved, separate the kids, talk it out, come to a compromise/agreement, apologize & hug, etc...but that's not how men (young men included) work.

Trust that your husband knows how to raise up his boys to be men.

When your husband comes home, fill him in on the "incident" and then TRULY let him handle it. Don't discuss it further.
No need to put strain on your marriage over this (again - I KNOW it's hard!)

This is normal "brotherly" interaction. :-(

Good luck to you, M.!