Sibling Jealousy

Hello K.,

I highly recommend reading, "Siblings Without Rivalry," by Faber and Mazlish. This book has really helped me understand my daughters' dynamics and how to respond (or not respond) to their relationship issues.

~T.

I myself have gone through this very same thing only a few weeks ago. I have an 18 month old son and a 7 week old daughter. When we first came home from the hospital my son did the exact same things you have described. He would get into things when he knew I was feeding her and just look at me like he knew he could get away with it. He also wanted me to hold him if I were holding her. He still wants me to hold him but is much better now at sharing me. He has also stopped getting into things so much. I felt like it was more of an attention thing and now that he has gotten more use to the baby being here is stopping that kind of behavior. So be patient with her and keep doing the mommy and me time when the baby is asleep. That's something I feel that helped my son with the big change.

I let my daughter hold her baby sister. She could only hold the baby if she was sitting down on the couch. I'd put a pillow next to her for the baby's head to rest on. I'd lay the baby down in her arms. My daughter would just beam at the baby and loved the attention she got from being the one holding the baby. I'd ask her if she was done holding the baby and she'd say no...hehe.

After a while (or if baby started crying) she'd say she was done and I'd pick up the baby. My daughter had to keep her back against the back of the couch while she held the baby and I'd stay right by her or w/in arm's reach in case I had to grab the baby. But we never had any problems even though they were both so little. and my daughter absolutely loved it.

lol - I just remember, when I explained to my daughter what breastfeeding was, she made up a song: "Hey little one, drinking some fun" and she'd sing it over and over...and pat the baby's head.

K.--I forgot one other great idea. I hope thie list notifies you when responses are modified... A baby sling (babyholder.com) is always a necessity for me. Moms can nurse the baby in the sling, leaving at least one arm free so you can be up and moving with your bigger little one.

What a smart, normal 14 month old you have! Babies learn quickly that when you are feeding the little one they can be naughty and you won't intervene. When you know she is about to do something like pull the dvds out, get her attention and say, "Yes! Mama says you can look at all the movies!" She might still take them out, but it has removed the naughtiness from it, possibly making it less entertaining, and most importantly, you are still in charge. My other idea is to get a snack and drink for her before you feed the baby, then invite her to sit and have a snack with you and read, watch a little video, or whatever. The time will go by pretty fast, so hang in there and know how normal your situation is.

Ah yes sibiling rivlery. When my daughter was almost 2 my son came to meet his big sister, everything was going good for about a week after he was born and then she started acting out just like your 14 month old. So here's what I did, I took my daughter to the toy store and had her pick out her very own baby to take care of. Everytime I took care of my baby I had her take care of hers, ie I change baby brother's diaper so you change your baby's diaper. I also had her help me take care of baby brother. For example when it was time to give the baby a bath I would ask her if she could hand me the washcloth. I even asked her if she could help me clean the baby with the wash cloth and she did with smiles and laughter. Changing his diaper I would ask her if she could help me by getting me a new diaper and pulling out wipes for me. She loved it. After that, all she wanted to do is help with her real baby. As a matter a fact she was the first one to make my son laugh for the first time. So try and get her invovled with Mommy and baby and of course keep doing the Mommy big sister time. I hope this will help.

I have two kids and I know that my daughter was acting whiny and a little jealous the first few months. So I tried to squeeze in extra time with her to let her know that I still love her. Some things that helped were: having a tea party while I breastfed the little baby, having her sit by me and read her a book while I was breastfeeding, taking extra effort to hold her and give her positive encouragement. Eventually she started acting more like herself. I also wanted her to feel needed so, I would have her get me diapers for the baby, and other items that I needed. Sometimes she just wanted to be wrapped in one of her blankets like the baby for a little more attention. Good luck.

I didn't have much of a sibling jealousy problem so far, but my mother-in-law gave me some great advice for keeping the other kids out of trouble at feeding times. She said to put the older child in a room where they couldn't possibly hurt themselves or do any damage (like a toy room or her own room). Take a chair into the same room, close the door and put the chair in front of it. Nurse your baby there while the older one can play or make a mess or do whatever she wants without getting in trouble, yelled at or scolded. Let her play the entire time or read to her or whatever. She'll be safe and out of trouble without having to be yelled at "because of" her little sister. It will help with the jealously in part. So far, you've been busy with the younger sister and every time that happens, the older one gets in trouble for something. (yes, she's probably doing it on purpose, but that doesn't matter to a 14 month old. They scolding does). So at least for when you're nursing, she can stay out of trouble. Hope that helps a little.

same problem here, K.:
please see what suggestions there are:

http://www.mamasource.com/request/4775273768706637825

mine is there also, I will copy-paste you right here:

this IS normal: simple jealousy. Before, You were all for her, and now you have someone else who you are carrying in your lap, feeding, hugging, timewise much more than her. You need to apply all your creativity to making her feel happy about having a little brother and still a very caring loving parents, not feeling left out FOR A SINGLE SECOND. It is not an easy shift for a 2 years old, she needs your loving help! My two sons were exactly in the same situation, 2 years apart (now they are 23 and 25), and it was MY TASK to make sure they grow up great friends, not two fighting boys. It worked: they never had even an argument, and are still best friends, but I approached the situation with full consciousness when they were little. I wrote about it here, maybe it will help you:

"...to raise children close together is much easier than apart. U know there are families where kids fight, but when they are very little you need to work hard on making them friends. I have a really good experience on it as I have 2 sons 2 years apart, and now they are 25 and 23. You know, there has never EVER been a situation for them in all their life to have problems. Not a fight, not a battle, no tears, no arguments. there were VERY few moments when I heard that the voices in the room got louder, their talking was a little ...say, not agressive, but elevated, excited more than usually... so I came in and sometimes asked, are you all happy? and they ALWAYS smiled and said YES, and once I heard this louder talk, and I asked them: Is everything OKAY? And they jumped both up from the carpet where they were playing, and hugged each other by the shoulder, (you know this boys hug, standing next to each other facing you, throwing one arm around the other's shoulders :) - and they looked at each other, and said: we're fine. They were 6 and 4 then, I remember it so well, as it was obvious they had some kind of disagreement, yet they did not allow me to interfere, they sorted it out on their own and in peace.
Now when you have a girl older, your bigger task will be to make sure for her not to become jealous in the very beginning as the little baby will require more of your time and care, and she might feel left out. To avoid it, make her proud, IMPORTANT and responsible for little things that she can already do. Carry the laundry into another room, give the baby a pacifier, hug the baby, make sure the baby has a blankie on, such little thingies, you know. I told my elder boy from the start that this is his friend growing, and i need his help to raise him a good friend. So, my elder boy got so serious about it, that when the younger one started saying his tiny babytalk words, the older was fixing all the words, not allowing the little one to say anything incorrectly, very politely explaining the situation: the younger says "tla-bla-gla" through the pacifier, and the older took the pacifier out of his mouth, and told him dead seriously:"Ivan, this is no "bla-gla-tla" you see here, this is "THE CEILING" that you see. And indeed, with such a guide, the younger one learned perfect language very soon, in about 3 years old speaking like the older one who was already 5 :). You know what I say?"

Another thing: I would NOT react anyhow straightforwardly to the daughter's NO and STOP IT and crying and acting out, but instead I'd do that I do not even notice it at all, as if she gets attention for this behavior, she'll keep doing it again. The ONLY thing she needs actually is ATTENTION right now, and this is her little way of getting more attention: changing her own behavior to intolerable, she gets your attention and time, even if not positive. Please make sure she DOES NOT GET attention for these 'moves', she will figure out pretty soon that it does not work: you can even play the 'invisibility game': as soon as she does something inappropriate, ask dad, or just speak out loud: "Hmmm, I just saw mu little dear girl right here, and now she suddenly disappeared! Strange... dad, have you seen our little dear girl (say many good words ABOUT her very often), I do not know where she went.." as if whenever she acts out, she becomes invisible and you cannot find her. If you start grabbing the air AROUND her as if trying to find her, she might join the game and start laughing because it IS funny: her bad mood will vanish in a moment, and you can see the smiling girl immediately: "AH, HERE you are!!!" and hug her dearly. She will know that by smiling she will get much more pleasant attention than by acting out.
This is the situation:
1. MAKE HER IMPORTANT in raising her little brother-FRIEND! Say, you cannot even make it without her help, it is too responsible and serious a thing to make it all alone, and her help is CRUCIAL :) !!!
2. Make her PROUD: 'brag' to everyone how great a helper and sister she is, that she an absolute treasure, and the family is happy just because of HER!!!
3. Make her feel NEEDED for hugs, and love. (you can sometimes make a sour face and pretend that YOU are crying, and you need HER hug, to console you. She will feel how significant SHE is, as you give her a little moment of power, as then SHE is in charge of your mood. Say: "I need a hugso bad, otherwise I can feel like some temper tantrum starts growing in me and I can fall on the carpet and start yelling and kicking altrogether". This is bizare, but you show her also how you can consciously see how the mood and behavior can be SEEN by the one who experiences it. A little later, she will be able to relate, when you ask her: what do you feel? What do you think? She learns to trace feelings and thoughts, and be in charge of how she acts them out. Instead of yelling out NO, she might come and say to you: "I am SO angry, I feel like I want to yell NO!
This is not a week's task, this is an exercise for years, but it works longterm also, for a lifetime. If she sees that you can discuss your feelings, moods, thoughts, she learns to analyze with you WHY you suddenly behave this way or the other...
4. ALWAYS keep an eye on her, whenever you have your son around: see that she does not feel withdrawn, gloomy, unhappy, sad: you have a boy on your lap, then make some room on your knees and immediately invite her close, let her sit by the little one: you have enough space on your lap ! :), but it is EXTREMELY important right now.
She will relax a little a bit later, but you need to work on it VERY closely right now, as she already got into this pattern of jealousy. It is not hard to work it out now, but it takes a lot of your patience, care, and love to ALWAYS remember that your little girl has this pain in her heart, and this problem in her mind: you need to help her out first, and then the friendship and cooperation in raising a brother-freind will follow, and it will be a pure joy, to last for a LIFETIME - remember the longterm task: two of your kids will be here in this world even when You and their dad will be not, so be patient, caring, LOVING, don't get upset with her, PLEASE, and GO FOR IT!!! GooDay, and Happy Easter to your great family!!!

K.,

Why don't you have her help out with the baby. My first two were 14 months apart, and we never had this problem, because we let him help out. He would go get new diapers for the baby, or throw the wet ones away in the garbage. He would pull out wipes for us when we were changing the baby's diaper. We'd ask him to go get the baby's blanket when I was nursing him so that the baby could stay warm, or to get his binky when he was fussy. He would also turn the vibrator on when he was sitting in his bouncy seat.

Just give her some things to do that involves her in taking care of the baby, and then praise her when she does it. Tell her she's such a big girl for helping take care of the baby. Put your arm around her while you're feeding the baby and read a story to her. Or watch a movie together. I know you do mommy and me time with her when the baby's asleep, but maybe involving her while you're doing things with the baby will help her stop feeling jealous. Good luck.

R.

Hi K. -

I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 8 month old. When my little one was born I created a special bag full of toys that the older one could play with while I was feeding the baby. She would get very excited about getting out her special bag (that was the only time she could play with it). After I was done nursing the bag would get put away again. This really seemed to help since it had enough new and different items in it to keep her occupied while I was feeding the baby.

Good luck!
K.

A GREAT book is Siblings Without Rivalry! It changed my kids and our household. I read it for the first time 15 years ago. My kids are now 18, 15, 12 and 10 and we hardly ever have issues between any of them.

Hi K.,
It's been awhile since my girls were that young but your letter brought me back in time. :) They are 11 and 12 years now. :)

I remember it always seeming as if my older daughter needed me more during feeding time as well. I was told to let her help feed, which didn't work because we nursed. If you are bottle feeding that might be an option to just get them both up on your lap and help the older child hold the bottle for the younger one. From what I heard they lose interest pretty quickly.

Since I nursed I took that time to read a book to the girls while my older one held the book. Most of the time we skipped quite a few pages, which made for an interesting read. :)

Also, if you have a video camera try taping both the kiddos, especially the older sibling doing older kid stuff. While you are feeding the younger sibling put the video in and most likely she will be glued to the TV and her own sweet little face. B thought she was a "superstar" She loved seeing herself on TV. I would talk my older one thru the video, "OH, here's B singing to her little sister, what a big girl," "look at B dance" etc... Good luck and enjoy your little blessings!! :) A.

The best advice I ever got when I had my second child was to never blame anything on the baby. Never tell your older child that you can't do something with her because your feeding the baby or that you have to go home from the park because the baby needs to eat. Don't lie to your child, just don't include the baby in your excuses. When you "blame the baby" your older daughter hears that the baby is the reason why she can't get what she wants and why her fun is cut short. When I nursed my second child I would spend a lot of time with my older child. We would chat and read stories. I don't think she was fully aware that I was feeding the baby a lot of the time. I also figured out how to get up and move around, if necessary, while nursing. I would hold the baby tight and just get up and walk over to my daughter. I could use one of my arms if needed to pull her away from what she was doing. That way when my oldest was being naughty I could quickly stop what she was doing and get back to feeding. Once she realized that Mom was not an invalid while nursing she stopped using feeding time as a time to be naughty.

hi i have 2 also....we are constantly telling the older one that this is a sharing house and everyone gets a turn. when you give the older one time in front of the younger baby be sure to say to the younger baby "this is your older sister's time, you need to wait" when both need you at the same time address the older childs needs first.....the younger one will not remember they had to wait and big sister sees that u respond to her needs and feels just as important also what helped is having her be mommys helper every time she gets you a burp cloth or whatever then give her a star on her star chart...after 5 stars she gets a wrapped toy that you keep in a special bin. have grammy and papa ask her what she is doing to be a mommys helper all the time also

I think it was about this time (with a 3-week old) that my oldest decided enough was enough and he didn't like this baby staying so long. Anyway, you're doing everything you can. It's hard for a 14-month old to understand that this new baby isn't replacing her and that she's going to take a lot of mommy's time. But eventually, she'll just accept it and get used to having her sister around. It will take several weeks for this to pass. Just keep giving her as much attention as you can. Have both one-on-one time and try to include her in as much as you can with the baby - help with baths, diaper changes, bringing toys, etc.

Congrats on the new baby!

I have 4 kids who are now 13, 11, 9 and 9. My son was 2 1/2 when my first daughter was born, he was almost 4 and my daughter was 18 months when the twins were born. My husband and I always made a big deal with the older one(s) that the new baby(ies) was/were their baby(ies) too and that mom and dad needed their help. We tried to make a big deal about their role with the new baby(ies). We also noticed that friends of ours that were struggling with sibly rivalry were always telling the older child things like "don't touch the baby" "stay away" and making the older child feel like they couldn't be involved with the new addition to the family. For us, we just found the more we involved them, the more they took responsibility to help and care for the baby(ies) and it made them feel important instead of replaced. With a little one, it can sometimes be hard to have them do very much, but it can be helpful to have them get a diaper or wipes or a burp rag and just make a big deal about it. Hope this helps.

my three year old daughter had the same issues when her brother was born, and that became worse when my third was born less than a year later! What worked for us was including her in the cares of her younger siblings. we let her help feed the babies their bottles, had her get and throw away diapers for us, let her play, gently with the two little ones, and at bathtime, her job is to help up dry off and lotion up the younger kids. it seemed to help a lot. hope some of this helps. i also would suggest getting child locks of some kind for your cabinets or else just move things out of reach.
A.

I have been through this before and it will pass. My first two children are 17mo apart and I remember at first thinking how wonderful it was and what a good older brother my son was. It was also about 3weeks when he would started hitting his sister when she was laying down(nothing truly dangerous) he also wanted to sit with me if I was holding the baby. I remember being so upset and thinking I was such a bad mom. My mother talked to me about the "honeymoon period" and that it was wearing off. The older child is realizing that this little person isn't leaving and is taking some of mom's attention.

I think you are doing a great job with the mommy and me time. What I would recommend at this time is to choose your battles. If your child is pulling down the DVD's for instance and you can't get to her, don't tell her to stop. And if you do tell her to stop something make sure you enforce that she does. If you are consistent in this, she'll learn that mom means business. You might also need to put things out of reach.

As far as when you are nursing your baby, I always tried to let my older child sit on my lap at the same time. It can be tricky at first, but it worked for me.

These can be tough and very emotional times, but I promise it gets easier!!

LOL! Let me know if you have any questions.

A little about me:

I'm a mother of 5 kids, 2 boys and 3 s. My kids are all about 18 mo apart. The oldest is 6 and the youngest is 3mo. I stay home with them.

Hi
Well i have a 4 yr ols a 6 yr old and when my baby was a lil baby i used to talk to my oldest daughter and tell her to HELP me like get me a diaper, crab sissy bottle, lets go pick out baby an new outfit today just little things like that. and as they got older there bond was stronger then ever even now my oldest still helps out her younger sister.
I guess when i was pregant i would always tell my oldest daughter your going to be a BIG sister your gonna have to help mommy !!! and when we had our baby my oldest was there and help from the beganing we always tried to involve her from the getgo ...... so I think if you just let your oldest daughter be more involved things might change.
thank you for your time
M.

My two boys are 15 and a half months apart and I went through the same thing when the younger was just born. When I was nursing the older one would get into anything and everything he could get his hands on. Eventually I came to the conclusion that unless he was getting into something that was dangerous for him, then I just had to let him be. That was less stressful in the long run for us all. I wasn't getting up and down interrupting my little one's meal, so he was a lot happier. That way I could get finished feeding him sooner so that my older one could get some attention.

As for the lap time. I would let my older son sit in my lap with the baby only if he was still. He didn't really like to be still a lot so he was usually gone after a few seconds. It helped him feel like a part of the group for as long as he needed to be a part of it. It sounds like you are doing everything right though. It's hard to explain to a 14 month old that a baby requires more time and attention, so you just have to do the best you can and eventually the baby gets older and less dependent on you and by the time the two kids are old enough to play together the older doesn't remember having less time with Mommy.

I didn't go through this, but a friend of mine did. She got a doll for the big sister to "feed" and "diaper" while she took care of the baby. I'll tell you, it was pretty funny to see a 2 yo "breastfeeding" a babydoll. :)

One idea that seemed to work for me, is to make a basket just for use while you are feeding the baby. When I nursed my little one, I would make a special basket for the older one, that can only be played with during that time. I would put new things in it periodically, so that there was variation. Sometimes it would be a book-- that I could read while I was nursing, sometimes crayons and a new coloring book, or sometimes just toys. But whatever you fill it with, make sure that it is just used during those times, and the time will become special for your 14mth old and less stressful for you. Good Luck!!

(I am a mother of 5--ages 11-1)

It sounds very normal :) I used to have special book, or a video that we would read, watch or have something to do when the baby fed. I also would get snacks for my older one so that she wasen't feeling too left out. I also made sure that she and I got our special time on the chair together to rock and hug so that she knew that I didn't forget about her. At the end of some feedings I would invite her on my lap and the 3 of us would hang out together. She just wants to make sure you haven't forgotten her, and the behaviour she is using probably get's her to get your attention. I would focus on more one on one time with her everyday. She'll figure out that the baby is here to stay! Good luck.

I went through the same thing with my son who was 17 months old when my daughter was born. I started anticipating when I would need to feed my daughter and would find activities (reading books, or just pointing to pictures, singing songs, playing with a puppet) that I could do with my son while I was feeding baby. I would also go into my bedroom, which I keep very childproof, and shut the door so that my son was more confined and had less to get into. It is very hard, but trying to find a way to involve your older child during feeding times MIGHT help.

If someone would have told me! I am a mother of 3, and when I had my middle daughter, my older daughter spited me. They are 22 months a part and when I brought the little one home, the oldest refused to even look at me. Thank God it only lasted a few days. Until the little one was ready to "play" the sister just totally ignored her. We tried the baby doll, no interest.

I guess I just wanted to tell you, it will pass and soon they will be great friends. And you have the situation that soon, your oldest will not know life any different. She will think she has a sister all her life. They will play soon!

M.

I remember those days well with my 2 daughters. It is hard to balance everything but you will get it. One thing that worked for me was to talk to the baby about my older child. For example, even though I was feeding the baby I would say, "Look at your sister, look at that neat thing she is doing." "Guess what your sister did today? She is so smart she wrote her name, do you want to see it?" You might feel silly at first, because of course your baby has no idea what you are saying, but the older child will be taking in every word. I also made a point to "tell" the baby once in a while,"You'll have to wait for a minute, I'm helping your sister right now." or "Sister gets to eat first today" The older sibling doesn't even have to know that the baby isn't hungry anyway.

My first two are 15 months apart--it is a challenge for sure. Your 14 month old is still a baby--next to the new little one she may not look like it but she is. I know I didn't do everything "right" back when my first two were little but I had a few things that worked for me. When I'd sit down to nurse the baby, my older ond would do things like you said your daughter is doing--naughty things just to get attention. I started reading to him when I'd nurse the baby so he was getting attention at the same time. I also got a doll for him so that when I fed my baby he could take care of his baby. It was really hard for me because I expected more out of him than he was really capable of because he seemed so grown up! A 3 week old still sleeps a lot so put the little one down when it is sleeping and spend time with your older daughter--look at books, play with blocks, have her help you dust, fold washcloths--she is big enough. She just is feeling displaced and any positive attention you can give her will help eliminate the negative responses she is having to the baby. She is too young to understand and all she knows is that this little "thing" is stealing you away.