Sibling Problems - Arlington Heights,IL

Are there specific times that he does this? Does he perceive that the girls are getting more attention?

What if instead of focusing on when he is using not nice touches, you focus on when he IS using nice touches and reward him for it? I might start by praising him every time he is nice to the girls and giving him a small treat (save a specific toy to use only for this time, a special cookie, etc.) that he only gets for nice touches. Pair it with a sticker chart or a Gem jar and start to fade the small treat out. Then once he earns x number of stickers, gems, bugs, etc. he gets to buy a toy, go on a special mom and son trip, etc.

If the naughty chair isn't working try taking away something that he really likes - whether that is tv or games. At the same time try to carve out some along time with him so he knows he will get some positive attention from you. The whining behavior of the little one might be halped by some more time with her as well. I know you are swamped so do what you can and then more on. I urge you not to rationalize your son's behavior as something that is "boy-like" or to be expected b/c he is a boy. I can't tell you how many undisciplined wild boys I've seen with their parents just standing by saying "oh - he's all boy" and not doing anything. Kids are individual and these gender assumptions are not very useful in raising them. I have both and two are now teenagers and neither fit all the stereotypes for their ages and both have needed discipline over the years. Good Luck.

Sounds like he wants attention good or bad. I would tell him that he can play all by himself if he wants to continue to play roughly with his siblings. I have a 4 year old daughter and I know she is old enough to understand why we do not play rough and bully or be mean. I have to remind her from time to time when she plays with her 7 month old brother but she gets it.

As horrible as this may come across, it sometimes takes kids knowing themselves what it feels like before they understand what their actions do. We had a problem with our daughter at daycare pushing kids and getting in trouble for it and it wasn't until I repeatedly pushed her a couple times in a row and asked her after how it felt that she finally got it. I explained that if she does not want to feel like that other kids do not either so she should not do it. I have not had a problem with it since.

I am by no means saying to harm your child or do anything extreme but a bit of reality can help. I would also tell him that as the big brother it would be better if he helped to keep his little sisters safe and happy like a superhero instead of bullying and upsetting them.

Offer him attention and alone time (I know it is hard to find) maybe after the little ones go to bed. An activity he can look forward to with just you and/or dad that is big boy time where he gets to do something special that 4 year olds get to do or boys get to do.

I think your 2 year old's reactions will decrease if the attention that it all gets decreases. If your son does it less or there is less hub-bub about it then there would be no reason to carry on the way she is.

Good luck!

1-2-3 Magic is a great system. It was worth the cost of the book. The key is consistency, every time he hits, kicks, etc. he gets counted and then appropriate action taken. With my nearly 5 and 3 year old, we take away juice and treat privileges if going to time out doesn't work. If they can't work out an agreement on how to share a toy, the toy goes to time out for awhile. You may also want to set up a special space just for him (if you have the room). He can choose 2 or 3 toys per day that he can play with on his own without the others bothering him. I say another poster recommended "Siblings Without Rivalry". That was a great resource for me as well. This will be never ending, we have a a couple of great months and then all of sudden we have a horrible 2 weeks of screaming, crying and fighting. Oh, 1-2-3 may not work with a very young 2yo, but we've had success since the 2.5 mark.

Updated

1-2-3 Magic is a great system. It was worth the cost of the book. The key is consistency, every time he hits, kicks, etc. he gets counted and then appropriate action taken. With my nearly 5 and 3 year old, we take away juice and treat privileges if going to time out doesn't work. If they can't work out an agreement on how to share a toy, the toy goes to time out for awhile. You may also want to set up a special space just for him (if you have the room). He can choose 2 or 3 toys per day that he can play with on his own without the others bothering him. I say another poster recommended "Siblings Without Rivalry". That was a great resource for me as well. This will be never ending, we have a a couple of great months and then all of sudden we have a horrible 2 weeks of screaming, crying and fighting. Oh, 1-2-3 may not work with a very young 2yo, but we've had success since the 2.5 mark.

He's the Eldest child.... among 2 girl sisters.
Boys are also very physical and active.
They are not like girls.

Your son also shows perhaps some frustrations with being the Eldest... and him having to be so 'perfect' and understanding and patient and on eggshells... around the younger ones... when he too is still just a child. A young child. He needs leeway and age appropriate 'expectations' upon him.

When I had my 2nd child... I explained to my Eldest child, all about baby/child development... in simple terms she could understand... so that, "she" could understand... that it is not "her" that is "wrong" ...but that a baby is not like her, cannot do things like her, cannot talk like her, cannot understand like her, and that they DO cry and wake and need Mommy... but that being so perfect and understanding is not her 'job'... but MOMMY's job... to care for her little brother. For my Daughter, explaining and talking WITH her about these things... helped a TON. And if made her feel "special" and that it was a 'bonding' thing between us... with her as the "big sister" and that I trusted her enough to talk with her about these things.

The thing is... and Eldest child has TONS of "expectations" upon them.... but it does not mean they "can" do it or do it accurately nor articulately. And it does not mean that the 'expectations' are age-appropriate... it is just what the parents expect. And, carrying that burden of 'expectations' can be a big load for their tiny shoulders....

Naturally, when another sibling is always crying... a young child can't tolerate that.... so then they don't want anything to do with the baby. They get frustrated and tired of it. Adults do to.

An Eldest child, cannot be all 'perfect' and doting. Its okay.
Have things for them that have nothing to do with the younger one's. His own time, his own activities, his own routines.... his own time away from them even, his own play-dates etc.

You feel tired of it, and his inability to do everything perfectly... but well, he is tired of it too and being 'expected' to know everything, right now.
He is only 4. He is the oldest child... but that does not mean he can, developmentally or emotionally.... do everything that well.
At this age, their emotions are not even fully developed... and they are still very young... to have full maturity and the full range of cognition and how to handle situations... and their siblings.
Also, your son just seems irked... with the whole thing and as you say he is just "doing it to make them upset...."
Instead of making "him" the "problem".... try teaching him about "family" what family is, what "teamwork" is, how he can help you, how he is your first "baby" and you love him for that.... that YOU have 'changed' too because you are a busy Mommy with other kids...but that he is important to you... and you trust him.
Help him, to express himself, good or bad and even if he is irritated that he can tell you that... and seek solace from you. Not just get scolded or 'corrected' for everything he does or feels.
He is a boy.... and boys NEED to learn how to express themselves... and know that it is okay...and that Mommy is there for them, too.
Teach him about what a 'sibling' is... what family is... what caring is... what you ALL are as a 'team' and it is not just "him" against his siblings... and being the odd-man out.
He may just feel ousted and the minority there.

all the best,
Susan

Your son might need more alone time. I have four children and I know these feelings. When my now 7 year old was a baby our now 11 year old was mean to her. And they still have problems and can't get along. My experience is that my 11 yo had 'her nose cut off' so to speak because she wasn't the baby any more. I would try to spend more one-on-one time with your oldest. Maybe get the little two to nap at the same time. My 3 yo cries alot when she is tired and does the whinning thing. Also, your 2 yo might be smart enough to be doing the crying bit when he looks at her wrong because she knows he will get in trouble.
Also, the saying 'bad attention is better than no attention'. Like I said, I have four kids and I know how difficult this must be for you. Try ignoring the behavior that doesn't hurt the girls or giving your son time to play alone without the girls.
Hope that helps some...Best of luck

I asked a similar question last week, I read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by A. Faber it was great! I have one boy and one girl and the boy is just more physical. I honestly don't think we raised him that way and not that the girl isn't physical just less than the boy. 2 yr olds cry a lot! You think they should be growing up some and no matter how good their vocab or talking is they still cry, they are still babies in A LOT of ways. THose are my thoughts, my recommendation is the book I mentioned. Good Luck!

You don't actually know that he "isn't really hurting them", sometimes things hurt worse than they look, especially when it's from an older and male sibling to a baby and toddler. You say he gets sent to the naughty chair, what about a verbal reprimand to go with it. And not just "now Johnny, you know you're not supposed to hit your sisters...". You need to adopt a zero tolerance drill servant attitude toward this if you want it to stop. You need to strongly verbalize that this is not acceptable and there will be strong negative consequenses for him besides the naughty chair. He is expected to help and protect his baby sisters never hurt. No wonder the two year old is clingy. She's probably terrified of being bullied. Personally, I would probably give him a good spanking, but many people frown on that these days. I'm not that old(36), but parenting has changed a lot lately and not necessarily for the better. Either way, make it stop or get professional help. It's not a good situation for any of the children. There are great low cost parenting classes out there that can be really helpful. Good luck.