Siblings - Getting off to a Good Start

Three things that have helped us
1. Make sure that she gets a few new things, gifts every so often. Doesn't have to be new, just new to her. The baby is getting so much attention and new things, that its easy for the BIGS to get jealous.

2. Be careful how often you use, 'because of the baby' ... 'can we go to the park?'... 'no because the baby is sleeping'... 'can I watch a movie?' ... 'no because the baby is having tummy time' ...
Always being denied because of the baby will create anger. Instead, let her know when she CAN do something. 'can we go to the park?'... 'yes, after the baby's nap time' .... 'can I watch a movie?' ... ' sure, as soon as I clean up from tummy time.

3. Make sure that she gets to do something fun just her and a parent that only BIGs can do.

Good luck.
M.

What I have learned, since having a 2nd child is... to regard my Eldest child, as a child, per her age.
Not only as a 'Big Sister."
Sometimes, young children can get real stressed, by always being told they are a "Big Sister" all the time.
Nor do they automatically know how to be, a "big sister" by default.

My eldest, my Daughter, would actually tell me "MOMMY, I am just a little kid! Not a grown up!" when she was stressed or felt inside herself... that too much pressure.
Many times, an Eldest child is suddenly thrust into an "older" role, but they are not, older. They are still just the same age they are and still a young child too.
Just because a child has a sibling and they are the Eldest, does not mean... that they are suddenly by default, 'older.'

No matter what, we go according to our kids cues and ages, per 'expectations.' Not it being based on who is "eldest" or who is "youngest." And not expecting behavior or the child's needs, to be according to their birth sequence.

My Daughter is 8 now. She is a real good "big" sister. But I can tell, when she feels just overwhelmed. She will just, need to be a 'kid' herself. And just need me... and bond with me... and have a relationship with me. Not it being just based on how much "time" is spent with a child or how one is keeping a child 'busy.'
It is about 'bonding' with and having a 'relationship' with your Eldest. Too.
My daughter, will tell me "Mommy I am just a kid! I can't be perfect all the time!" when she is feeling the 'pressure' of being an 'eldest' child. Even though, we do not put pressure on her or have separate expectations on her, just by sibling sequence.
She is still, at 8 years old, just a kid, too.

My kids are very close with each other. Very bonded. But even they have their moments.

You also need to explain to the Eldest, about baby development... how to be gentle, how a baby is not a toy etc. That is what I did with my daughter. She was the same age as your Daughter... and she really understood. It helped her that I explained things to her. A child does not automatically know... how to handle a baby, on their own. They have to be taught.

I really liked what Susan suggested about keeping things "real" for the older sibling. Your daughter was her own person before she was Big Sister. Megan's second suggestion regarding *not* using Baby's needs when verbally explaining "why we can't" is a lifetime tactic. Things will be better for your children if you can minimize those "We can't because baby/big sister is....", that way they view us as the responsible party for their temporary unhappiness/disappointment. We as adults can handle it when they are frustrated with us. Goes with the Parent Territory.

A couple things I will add:
1. Make space for your older one to do her own thing, undisturbed. At your daughter's age, her play is expanding in depth and dimension. She might want to do some of her playing up at the table, so that when your son is mobile, her toys and play scenes (the stories they create with their toys) are protected. I encourage you to find places where she can play with her littlest toys safely; where she can build without disturbance. Some families might put the older child with the little toys in the pack-n-play in the living room where everyone is, so they can use the smaller toys without risk of choking or conflict with the younger sibling. Others use a gate to separate spaces. Or place baby up in the high chair to chase cheerios while your daughter gets the run of the floor. Esp. helpful to use this at the evening dinner transition times.

2. Model, with baby, the behavior you want to see from your daughter. One technique is to 'speak' for baby. When your little one is mobile and taking toys from his sister, stop him and say "Sister, may I have a turn with this toy, please?" or "May I come and play with you?" Give her some opportunities to say no thanks, to offer a trade if she needs the toy back, or "I see you are using this one. Let's find another one for him". You are expecting her to follow certain rules, and by modeling this with/for your younger one, you also model for the older one and this levels the playing field considerably. She feels he is learning to respect her and her space.

3. Understand any regression. Yep, we know she's NOT a baby, but she might like to pretend it. Wishful thinking. Children will often (and I will say typically) do some "baby talk" regression around four, whether or not they have younger siblings.Usually, it drives us nuts. What I will do/recommend for a family is that they find one time early in the day when that babytalking child gets some one-on-one snuggle/story time, at the same time every day. This may not be convenient, but it's worth making time for. My sister had one son who was doing this regularly and once she found a daily time for just the two of them, the regressive attention-getting behavior stopped. He was getting the positive attention that filled him up, and it only takes about 10-15 minutes daily. So, instead of reminding her that she's not a baby, see what else is going on, and when behavior needs to be corrected, avoid the 'big girls do' type comments, just get on with asking her what you'd like her to do. (Sometimes, instead of asking my son to stop using his 'baby voice' --no sibling, but he's four-- I ask him to 'use your strong voice now, please'. This helps!)

Oh gosh, as annoying as it all is...it sounds pretty normal!! My two are exactly 2 years apart and some of this is just normal for a toddler to do when there's a new baby in the house. My son is now 20 months and still isn't talking that great. He grunts for a lot of stuff! Anyway, now my daughter is trying to pull that too and uses the same whiney, grunty, gesturing that works for him and I'm not into it!! I think at 3.5 they can understand a reasonable conversation. Just have one with her and often as you need to. It sounds like you're making time for her and she has her own things. It also sounds like she loves her brother and I know my daughter still has a very hard time with "gentle". She'll wrangle him around the neck or something equally harsh (not to be mean, but in a play or "helping" way) and my insides want to scream, but usually he's just fine. I also tell my daughter a lot that she's a role model for her brother and that he looks up to her to teach him things and she likes that. Sometimes I even say at dinner (and other times) things like, Leo look how well Sophia is using her fork, can you try that!? It's mostly lost on him, but does wonders for her! She'll get all into and take up the moment to show him some pointers. If you show them both love they will show each other love, that's my theory, and since you're doing that already I think you're on the right track!