Since I Was Blasted So I Have Taken down My Question

I think you created an appropriate punishment. It seems this was not a first time offense (the clothes not the lying) so with it being a repeat a new punishment needed to be created to make her understand that if she does not listen and follow house rules than a punishment will be deserved. I don't think it was too harsh at all. For the moms saying wow you went overboard, I disagree. You had to punish for two different acts, lying and not puting the clothes away when asked.

Good luck!

Good for you! Even great kids need discipline. Whatever you do don't give in. She knows you love her.

You should have left your original post up! I knew there would be moms on here that would have disagreed/bashed your parenting & it sickens me to read the posts that said "don't sweat the small stuff" & Bobbi's response was the worst, it made me sick to read that post. You were very passionate about your daughter & what happened between the both of you. My daughter is now 20 & I was extremely strict on her & I was happy to hear that she recently told my sister who is having trouble with her 14 yr old dghtr that "don't worry, at that age I didn't like rules either but while living with my dad for 4 months & not having any rules, I realized that I wanted to live with my mom again where there was rules." Those words are exactly what we are trying to achieve by disciplining our children.

And you are ABSOLUTLEY right that letting her get away with little lies will just lead to bigger lies. And I cannot believe someone posted saying how will you react if she were doing drugs or having sex in her room, seriously!!! With that attitude that persons kids will be doing those things. And I also disagree that you should just let her handle her clothes however she wants & close the door, boy that is teaching her a lot. But then again with that response I would assume their home wouldn't pass the clean test.

Back to my 20 year daughter. Her & I have butted heads like any typical mother daughter relationship & that's because I am her mother & NOT her friend. Something that really helped me as my daughter got a bit older & I wanted to change the dynamics of our relationship a bit (around 16), I told her that she was getting older & she knows what I expected of her & the reasons I expected certain things of her but now I would be open to more input from her & if she thinks I am being unfair about something or however she felt about anything she should come to me and say "Can this be open for discussion" but not to come to me with this question if things are heated between her & I. By her knowing that she could pose this question she felt like she had more say & didn't feel like a controlled child. And even when I said no I stand by my decision she totally respected me for it & has said I understand & there was no bad attitude from her, this was a huge success for me as a parent. I wish you well in your parenting & remember this is a forum with people from all different walks of life. Go to your daughter & let her know that parenting isn't easy & you really don't have all the answers but you are doing these things because you love her & want the very best for her. Best wishes

Wow. Okay putting Peg's mommy-issues aside for the moment, I do agree that it seems like the punishment doesn't exactly fit the crime here. But you know your daughter better than any of us and you know what she needs way more than we do. So if your gut is telling you this is a fair consequence, then it probably is. Though I would say any one of the SEVERAL things you're disciplining her with would have been enough. In fact, simply making her do her own laundry from now on would have been devastating, I'm sure, and would have driven the point home nicely.

But when you "combined" the advice you got on this site, all you really ended up doing was giving her three times the punishment she needed. If she loves her computer that much, living without it for two weeks would have surely scared her straight. And having to do the family's laundry for two weeks? Well, I don't know how big your family is but that's a fair amount of work for anyone. I can't imagine she'd still give you trouble after that.

I don't know. I guess I just think there are a lot worse things she could be doing than not hanging her laundry, you know? And this is only her second infraction? I hardly think that constitutes a "problem area" that needs to be dealt with so harshly. What happened to three strikes, you're out? What happened to warnings, for that matter? I understand that she lied to you, which is why I agree that she definitely needs to be punished. But all this? Really?

But again, not my call to make (and really not my place to judge). What I honestly can't believe is that some women actually suggested you pull her from ballet over this. And you considered it? Wow. I'm a little speechless at that one. I think I'll call up my mom tomorrow and thank her for letting me worry about my own clothes when I was a teenager...oh, and for not snooping in my room under the pretense of dusting. ;-)

Great kid? Straight A student? Sometimes when your kids are that good, it's easy to overreact when they actually act like...well....teenagers. You might consider giving her a break on this one, Lisa. I think she's probably earned it by working so hard at everything else.

Wow. I used to go overboard like that with punishment -- combining random things to make it really stick. Two weeks of family laundry AND loss of computer and i-pod for two weeks? So she is the family slave for that time, and she can't communicate with her friends. And she's an over-achiever, good student, outgoing, does ballet, etc? It's going to be a hellish two weeks mom. (She didn't do anything to the rest of your family, so why include them in all of this? Oh, maybe to make her hate everybody? You are the one who is furious, not them.) I think moms who punish their kids like this (piling one random punishment on top of another on top of another) end up with very angry kids. Especially those kids who are just trying to live their lives (ballet, school, good grades, etc.) and be left alone in their room, which is their only sanctuary from the world.

I would have just shut her door and told her it was all hers now -- laundry, cleaning, etc. (You created the crime by making her hang up her clothes. Most kids that age live out of a laundry basket, and who the heck cares?!!) Thank goodness she isn't in there doing drugs or drinking or having sex with a boy. Can't imagine what that punishment would be.

Lisa, you've received 45 responses so far, so I'm not sure if you'll read mine. I'm not going to give an opinion of what you've done but rather am going to share with you how I handle lying.

There is a great new book called NutureShock that has an entire chapter on lying. The book was created by doing hundreds of studies and interviews. It's trying to be as scientific as possible in studying actions and their outcomes.

I follow the basic advice in this chapter and am really pleased how my kids react and also how they decide to act in the future. The advice is simple: let them know you know it was a lie. Have them fix or follow through with what needs to get done. Something like "I found that your laundry wasn't done. You lied about doing it and shouldn't lie. It's not right. Now go and do your laundry."

You probably noticed there wasn't any groundings in there. It may seem counter-intuitive, but I've found that biting my tongue and NOT giving an appropriate grounding surprisingly helps the lesson to sink in better. Maybe its because they aren't spending time thinking about how "mean" you are for grounding them or aren't focused on what they have taken away from them. I think this way allows them to *THINK* about what they did and also to save face and do it right the next time.

I didn't really trust this the first few times I used it, but after a few months, I am sure it is the way to go for us and do notice a difference in future behavior.

Good luck! Kids are tough and they have so many temptations now adays.

Holy cow... Wow, what does the computer,and ipod have to do with laundry and lying?

Did you even ask her why she lied to you? Did you have a conversation about how you found the clothing and let her explain it? Did you explain how it made you feel? Is this the first time she has lied? Does she do it all of the time? Is she untrustworthy?

Do you get ALL of your self confidence and satisfaction from your care of your house and taking care of your family? Do you even understand she had no idea that you took her placing her clothing in a box out of sight would insult you this much? That you consider putting away her clothes, your way the only option?

I do not suggest you back off of what you have now done, buy I really feel like this is so over the top over a pile of clothes for a good kid, that has an extremely big schedule.

Think about this..
Your daughter spends 7 hours at school 5 days a week.
At least 2 hours per day at Ballet ? days a week.
Homework per day ?hours.
She in the IB program making STRAIGHT A's.... that is college work while in high school! Even in college they do not have 7 hours a day of school.

Now she will do ALL of the families laundry , fold and put away ALL of it?
You actually considered taking away her Ballet for this 1 time infraction?

She lied to you about clothes. About hanging up and putting away clothes..
She did not tell you that in her OWN ROOM, she did not hang up HER clothes because you would have what?

I am sending you strength and clarity.
Pick your battles.
I think you have an excellent child and instead of freaking out, I would have pulled that box out from under her bed and told her, from now on, you will no longer do HER laundry or clean her room. . Also that you would pereer her clothing be placed in the closet and dresser and you were insulted that she thought placing her clothes under her bed in a box was an option. The you FELT like she had lied to you, because, in YOUR mind, it you meant for her to hang up her clothes or fold and place them in her dresser.

Wow...it sounds to me like you are using an elephant gun to get rid of a gnat!!! If you react to stuffing her clean clothes under the bed, what are you going to do when she breaks curfew or dates a boy you don't approve of? To my mind, correction is meant to actually correct the situation, not be so punitive and over the top that what is actually accomplished is anger and devisiveness.
To my mind, telling her that she would now be in charge of her own laundry would have been a statement to her that she was not appreciating the efforts that you were putting in to keeping her clothes straight and clean, that she was now in charge of her appearance.
I also agree that her lying to you was an issue but I think you could have dealt with that by simply telling her how it hurt your feelings for her to lie to you about something like hanging her clothes up.
There are going to be some VERY Important issues that are going to be coming up in your teenagers life very soon and you don't want to cut off the channels of communication at this critical time in her life. You started out by saying that your daughter is a great kid...a straight a student...involved in ballet and just sounds like every parents DREAM of a HS student!!! Let this lovely young lady learn the consequences of her actions...she gets to do her own laundry...or she gets to wear wrinkled and not-so-clean clothes to school!!
I am speaking from sad experience, the price you pay when you don't have good communication with your child. My middle daughter, who is now 27 years old, announced to us when she was 15 that she was pregnant...and I didn't even know she was sexually active!!!! She went through the heartbreak of a teenage pregnancy and the soul wrenching decision to place her beautiful little girl for adoption.
I know that you didn't ask for any feedback on your choice of discipline and you certainly don't have to pay attention to ANYTHING that any of us say on this site. But....what I would do would be to talk to your daughter, tell her that you over reacted to her treatment of HER clothes....and that you are going to simply teach her how to do laundry and let her be in charge of her own laundry from now on. I would not want to live with the angry, churning lump of teenage hormones for the next two weeks as she survives the other disciplines that you have put on her.

Okay - here's something a little different... :) Pleeeaase don't punish her. I think I was your daughter in another life...

My Mom was always very tidy and organized. And my sister was just like her. Always did her chores. Probably did some extra. I was the distracted dreamer. I always MEANT to do my chores. And liked a tidy room as much as anyone. But I never could get to it fast enough. And my Mom nagged and begged and sometimes punished. Never made any difference. I'd try for a while, and then it would slide again.

Fast forward many years to my first roommate... it quickly became clear that she was the tidy one. But we had to live together and out of respect for her, the place had to rise above my standards. So we discussed rules, schedules, duties. And together we came up with a plan. We even came up with a plan for how she would tackle things when I forgot my duties. Because it WOULD happen. I'd plan on doing the dishes after the movie... and forget. So I'd plan on doing them in the morning... and I'd forget. Our plan that we agreed on was that she'd put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror if I forgot something.

Now the punishments only hurt. I really, really, really was trying. Could you maybe have a meeting with your daughter? Find out why she's not hanging the laundry? Maybe she was "planning" on doing it later? Maybe busy doing the other things that she hopes make you happy - schoolwork, ballet... maybe she's like me and easily distractible...

Something that has helped me HUGELY is a timer. If I have something I want to avoid, I'll set a timer for ten minutes and do only as much as I can in that time. Often, of course, I'll actually finish the chore, because it only takes ten minutes to hang up clothes. But the chore itself can feel endless, so the timer makes it easier.

hope that helps :)

Added after update: If you are soley looking for support, you will find it here, but you need to be clear. You presented your situation and asked if we thought you were too harsh, we then responded to your question. You are not being blasted, you asked our opinions and we gave them to you.

I have to say, you WAY over did it...pick one consequence and go with it. She lied about putting up her laundry, try to keep it in perspective. She questions you loving her because teens are all feelings and actions, and also because she knows it hits you hard. You came down hard, so did she. I suggest you sit down with your daughter and have a discussion about why she lied. Maybe with all of her activities and responsibilities she didn't feel like doing one more thing. Of course, you are the mom, what you say goes, but it sounds like you have a really good kid who might deserve a little compromise.

Lisa - I responded to your original post....I was on your side, still am! I read your "what happened" and thought that you were doing just fine in your punishment of the situation. I didn't read that many replies to it, I guess I thought it was already done with! But, the couple that I did read came off a little "wrong" to me. I thought you were PERFECTLY justified in taking away things that are not necessities and your laundry for the whole family for two weeks was RIGHT ON!
I often think that the moms on here that just want to "talk" to their kids and "respect" them and "listen" to them are the ones that have their children walking all over them. I certainly think talking, respecting and listening are great (don't get me wrong) but when it comes down to it I am the MOM she is the KID....you will do as I say or there will be consequences. I think you need to go back and read your posts though...I seem to remember a LOT of people being on your side!
L.

manipulation is a loaded word. you see it thrown around on this site a lot in reference to crying babies and eating issues. who knows what her motivations are? maybe she's just trying to guilt trip you, maybe she's unable to find another way to describe her anger and guilt TOWARD you, maybe she really does believe you don't love her. we don't know your relationship. you were also trying to manipulate her by leaving a note rather than dealing with her forthrightly and waiting all afternoon for her to come to you (passive aggressive) so my hat's off to her for not playing.
then you took away the computer. and the i-pod. okay. not really the punishment fitting the crime, but something that will make an impact.
then the laundry. that actually makes sense.
it's a LOT of punishment, and pretty helter skelter, but maybe it's what's needed.
but then you want her to use loving affectionate words toward you too?
you're all over the place. if you want your punishments to be severe and impactive, line up your attitude with your demands. if you want to create an atmosphere of loving cooperation, back off the punishments and set up some talk therapy. but you can't throw everything but the kitchen sink at her and then expect sweet compliance. figure out what you're doing, and stick with it.
khairete
S.

Lisa- I support what you chose to do with your daughter. Lying does spiral into bigger things. Above and beyond the lying you set expectations for her and she didn't follow through. I would suggest- in conjunction with the penalty you've already imposed- that you sit down with her and ask her what she thinks her punishment should be. Let her know how disappointed you are in her behavior and how you expected better from her. Talk to her about how she thinks things should be. I would let her know that you are disappointed that she lied to you, and also disappointed that she takes your hard work for granted. Ask her if she would like to do that sort of labor and have that hard work shoved into boxes and whatnot.

For me- computers, iPods, etc are a HUGE luxury. No child NEEDS those things and a parent needs to do what they have to do to make a point.

Good luck!

Wow. I have to agree that you went way overboard. Taking away her Ipod, AND her computer, AND making her do the entire family's laundry, AND making her do her own laundry from that point on? Four HUGE punishments for a young teen, who seems to be trying very hard to be mommy's perfect little girl. You could have picked any one of those and it would have been enough. You can't take it back now, but I hope you are easier on her next time. If she feels that you are constantly hovering over her, and giving punishments that are way worse than the crime, it will end with her pulling away from you.
My mom always punished me to make HERSELF feel better. To get HER anger out. Not to teach me. She also went through my room while 'cleaning'. And guess what? I hated her and resented her for it. I pulled away. And I didn't change my behavior, I just got better at hiding things from her. To me this sounds like a severe punishment for upsetting you so much. I can understand being mad that she lied to you, but the whole point of discipline is to teach, not to make you feel like she 'got what she deserved'. You have to look at the 'crime' in the grand scheme of things. So she didn't put her clothes where you wanted them. The clothes don't matter in the long run. And she lied. She will lie to you again, I guarantee it. You are so lucky that she is doing so well, and that your biggest issue was her lying about not hanging up clothes. I'm sorry, your post really struck a nerve with me and reminded me of the way my mom handled things.
I say don't sweat the small stuff...and always keep in mind the most important things you are trying to teach her before making a decision on how to fairly discipline her.

Lisa,
I'm responding late and I did not see your original post. But after reading the responses I wondered why you took a few differing opinions to heart. Seems to me that the majority of moms thought you did the right thing and a few thought you were a bit too harsh--bottom line--what's done is done and you did what YOU thought was best for YOUR daughter. That's all any of us can do for our kids. Good luck!

You hang in there mama! Teeenagers are some of the most evil little creatures on the planet!!! LOL
Seriously, you are doing great. How else is she supposed to learn? If you let her get away with this stuff now, it will just escalate. Of course she is trying to manipulate you. She knows you love her, she's just angry that shes being called on the carpet for what she did. And she's going to try to get out of it anyway she can. I dont think your punishment is unreasonable either. It NEEDS to leave an impression, or it will just happen again.
I lived with the extreme side of things. If we didnt put something away, and my step-father saw it, it was gone FOREVER. He took X-mas gifts that we hadnt even opened out of the box, and we never saw them again. That was too harsh, but it sure did work.
There is WAY too much spoiling and coddling these days. She sounds like she is very fortunate for all that you work hard to allow her, she needs to be shown to appreciate it and not take it for granted. Good Job in my opinion :)

I think you did the right thing. "Other" mom's tell you your too hard on your kids are probably the same ones who's kids are running around the store yelling. You did right by yourself and your daughter. Don't let anyone tell you diffrent. Keep your head up and be stong. ((Hug))

I would tell any daughter who says, "You don't love me!" in response to a punishment for lying or throwing my carefully folded launder her bed in disrespect, "I love you so much that I care about what others will think of you, what you will come to think of yourself and how you take care of yourself when I'm no longer here to do it for you. I love you so much I ache when I think of you stumbling in life.

I love you so much I need to make it clear that lying isn't acceptable. I love you so much that when I see you disregard other's feelings by taking their hard work and throwing it under your bed, I want to correct you so that you don't do this to someone else later in your life, like to your husband, or your own children. I love you so much that I want all your present and future relationships to be solid and wonderful and I want you to be steadfast and good so when I see you make a mistake that his hurtful to yourself or others I want you to understand, in any way possible, that it is unacceptable.

If I did not love you I would let you grow wild, unattended and forgotten like a weed in a lonely section of my garden. I would let you do whatever you wanted because I would not care how you grew or if you flourished at all. I would not tend you like the beautiful blossom that you really are. If I did not love you I would not spend my days clearing the weeds of misbehavior from around your tender roots. If I did not love you I would not care if you grew at all.

I love you dearly and I want you to be the best that you can be. Lying and disrespecting your mother's efforts to keep your belongings clean and tidy are not the hallmarks of a nice young lady and this punishment you suffer is to help you think about it and remember for the future so you do not duplicate this deplorable behavior."

Who knows if something like that would stick but if my mother had said anything like that to me I'd have wanted more than anything not to have her think poorly of me ever again. I wouldn't want to disappointed her and I would make a decided effort to correct my behavior.

yes, she is trying to get at you by saying you don't love her. My daughter is 10yrs old and has said this before as well. It does cut right through you doesn't it! {{HUGS}} She doesn't really mean it, she is just mad that you punished her for this and that she got caught.

I think what you ask of her of her clean clothes is fine. I don't even fold my daughter's clothes. I put them in a basket on her bed and she has to fold and hang up her things. If I find her drawers a mess, I toss out all the clothes to the floor and make her redo it. I'm with you, I buy, wash and dry them, no reason she can't take care of them from there. Your punishment was right on too with the computer and I pod and maybe one week of doing all the laundry would have been good. But she will have plenty of time to do it since she can't be on her computer! lol I'm always getting on my kid about putting the dirty stuff in the clothes basket. I stopped washing her clothes if they were on the floor. If she couldn't get them in the basket, I couldn't wash them! That ended pretty quick but I noticed it has started back up again so I guess I'll have to give her warning about them not being in the basket!

Now when I was a kid, we didn't have a washer and dryer. My mom and I went to the laundry mat every Sunday. I hated putting my clothes away! I would pull clean clothes out of the basket as I needed them and toss my dirty clothes all over my room. Then on Sunday, I would take what was left of the clean and toss them on my floor or bed and pile the dirty in it for the laundry mat! My mom hated that I did this and could never tell what was clean or dirty but I could :) Once I had to do all my own clothes, totally different story and I don't leave my clean clothes in the basket any more!

So maybe it's just a girl thing! We like to be messy because we know some day we'll have to grow up and do our own laundry ;)

Good luck and I wish all mom's were like you and didn't wimp out on their kids when they misbehave!!
S.

Seriously? People were blasting you for doing the right thing? Holy cow women. I used to love this site, but now am considering leaving just because of the stupid people who feel it's their God given right to put down what we do. I had a post where I CLEARLY stated that I was tired and later on explained why I was tired ( I had finals that week and my schedule changed where I started working too) And I had put up a new bookcase and hadn't secured it the the wall and so my tv cam crashing down on my head because it tipped. Yes it was stupid of me. Yes I know that, but some women (not all) made me feel like I was the WORST mom out there because of how tired I was and made a stupid decision. Which I have a 99% correct feeling those mom's have done just as stupid of things when they were sleep deprived.
Not to mention other's where I was told that I wasn't looking after my son and I SHOULDN'T have to baby proof. And that my family shouldn't have to change their lives to accommodate my baby. I also clearly stated here that my family left dangerous items just laying on the ground and like most living beings I blink now and then and the baby moves quickly. So yeah. . .I feel your pain. Some of you women!!! Grow up and realize that not all of us are you!!

Sounds like your response/punishment was appropriate. She is just responding to it in a normal teen way. Stick to the punishment. If she complains, say these are the consequences to lying and not doing what you are told. I think making her do her own laundry is a very appropriate natural consequence to not taking care of her clothes. I started washing my clothes in high school, mostly because my mom needed help around the house since she worked full time. I think it is a valuable life skill. I remember I had friends in college who did not know how to wash clothes and ruined the clothes they had because their moms didn't teach them that skill. Don't back down - she is giving you a guilt trip, very manipulative. Just be very matter of fact about your expectations and ignore the "you don't love me" b.s. If you feel you need to say something, say "it's because I love you that I refuse to let you behave this way." Stop guilting yourself.

Good job Lisa,
My daughter is 3 and a drama queen already so I like to read posts to find different ways to respond to bad behavior.

Yes she is manipulating you. Tell her like my mother used to tell me "if I didn't love you I wouldn't care about you" so if you didn't love your daughter you wouldn't care to teach her responsibility and respect. I think your punishment was great.

Your DISCIPLINE was perfectly acceptable for the ongoing behavior that you described in your first post. I was a pathologically messy child and did EXACTLY the same thing as your daughter... and worse. There was more than one occasion when my parents cleared my room of anything extra and I had to earn it back...this included clothes. It made me uber respectful of my things and others' time.

At 14, my brothers and I were already fully responsible for most of the household chores. It is easy to say, in hindsight, "Oh, if only my parents would have talked to me." or "They just never listened"...but the truth is that most kids that age really can't articulate ideas past their own basic needs.

The thing is, no what what we "do for" or "do to" or "don't do" for our children, there is someone who can legitimately claim it wouldn't have worked "for them". Maybe it won't work for your daughter...but they don't come with a manual...sometimes you just have to throw things at them until something sticks.

Oh, the whole "hate" thing....totally a manipulation.

I think she sounds like a typical 14 year old. I have to sympathize with her a little bit about putting things out of site instead of away - I do that sometimes still when I'm in a hurry or procrastinated. She does sound like a basically very good child. Sometimes, I think we tend to be harder on the good kids - we start to expect more and more. (I was one of those 'good kids' and it seemed like everyone always wanted more - but if a 'bad kid' does one thing right - the world sings their praise....so it seemed....)

I agree, you want to teach her to respect her things and the people who are doing things for her. I agree, you want to teach her not to lie to you. But, I do think your punishment is over the top. Since the issue was that she lied to you about not taking care of the laundry, I think the laundry would be a good punishment. What are you going to do if she does something wrong after this punishment - I always like to save something back incase there is another incident...

Perhaps, if she does an excellent job with the laundry, you can give her time off for good behaviour on the computer and iPod? It is so hard to know exactly what to do.

In relation to her saying you don't love her. She probably does feel your fury - you said yourself, "I was furious". You know that does not mean you love her one bit less, but kids sometimes interpret our anger as lack of love. I would keep reminding her that you love her with all of your heart and try to teach her things that will make her life better. When children don't follow directions, they receive punishment. And their parents love them tremendously even when (or maybe especially when?) they teach their children that actions have consequences... Good luck to you, I know you are on the right track.

I don't think you were overboard at all. There were two 'crimes' and two punishments suited for them.

1) She lied in order to hang out with friends. So, she doesn't get to have 'friends' for two weeks.

2) She did not do what she was told (take care of the clothes). So, she will take care of everyone's clothes for two weeks (maybe if she sees her hard work go down the toilet when her siblings throw her nicely folded clothes on the floor she'll feel different) and her own from now on.

That said, once she takes over her own clothes, it's not your battle anymore. If it's dirty because she forgot to wash it- oh well. If it's wrinkled because she didn't hang it up- oh well. The only thing I would worry about from this point on is how full (or unfull) the washer is (will she run the washer everynight or wait until her basket is full?) for water/electricity purposes.

I agree with you some women on this site can make you feel really bad when your intentions are good. I agree with some of the woman below, dont let anyone discourage you or be-little you about the way you discipline your child/children. When it comes down to it your the one taking care of them not anyone else. I was in walmart the other day, I was shocked by what I saw( a teenage grl disrespecting her mother in the worse way imaginable). Her mother simply said please calm down:/. Those are the mothers who let their kids dictate their lives, at the end of the day those are the kids that are most distructful.(HUGS):-)

Yep, the "you don't love me" or "you hate me" is very common among teens these days. It IS a way for them to try to get you to crack. I commend you for the punishment you gave her. As a matter of fact, my 9 yr old would tell you your daughter got off easy; my 9 yr old has been responsible for putting her own laundry away for years now, as well as dusting and sweeping her own bedroom for the last year or so. Even though I'm a SAHM, I cannot take care of 5 people, make sure everyone's homework is done, cook, clean a 17 room house, mow the yard, pay the bills, get groceries, babysit, run a side business, etc., without getting SOME form of help every now and then. Hang in there! This too shall pass :)

Girl. i know where your coming from and YES little lies lead to BIGGGG lies and you never know because teens are soo sneaky i mean im still a teenager myself. And as for you taking her ipod and computer away......welll thats what she gets...i wish thats all that happened to me when i got in trouble. My parents used to ground me for the whole school year and i could NOT go out of my yard, talk on the phone, get on the computer, i couldnt even go to swim practice. All i did was sit in my room and my parents "wondered" why i did. As far as your parenting goes i think you did the right thing. :) and she SHOULD be doing her own laundry, vacuming her OWN floor and dusting her OWN room, but that is on you. I think actually u arent hard enough if you do as much as you say for her and she lies about laundry. Good luck :)

Lisa - I didnt see your initial post, but by reading this one, I will say - I completely agree with you!! The lies start out small and then get bigger and bigger as they get away with them...my husband thinks I can be too hard on our five year old son when he gets in trouble for lying, if I catch him in a lie I will take away his bike, his friends, and tv...he needs to learn that at no time is lying ok - so I take away the big things so that he "remembers" next time he thinks about lying to me what hapened. I do not feel like I am a very strict parent, I do everything for my boys, but lying is NOT ACCEPTABLE!! and I think that you did the right thing!! Stay stong sister :)

Hi Lisa! Reading this brought me back to my teenage years BIGTIME! When I was 14 I cheated on a really big test at school. Long story short, the school found out and made me tell my parents, which I think was worse than just giving me an F! My punishment was that I had to do all of the dishes, laundry and cleaning for the entire family for THREE MONTHS. It was horrible! I was convinced that my parents hated me, but at the end of the three months I realized that they were just trying to make me a better person. It will be okay, she's so incredibly normal! Stick to your guns, you're doing the right thing :) Thanks for the memories!

I hate it people are harsh too. I didn't see your first post (I don't think) but I ground my teens like that too. You have to stay on top of things when they're little AND when they're big. It seems like the know-it-alls are the ones without kids...LOL

Dear Moms,I think we should look for an appropriate punishment for ourselves when our daughters behave this way.It happens only because we did not involve them in such things like washing,cleaning,hanging up cloths etc. We should start involving our daughters in such works when they are 5.We should ask them for help with those all things.And now we are too late.Our daughters think all those works about house are boring;they hate doing the works and they think moms do all this work because they love their daughters and it is only moms` job
Lisa,your daughter is a very nice girl and you now make her to lie.
What can you do now? I think you should say:My dear daughter,I am tired,I cannot do something like cleaning,washing,hanging up your cloths.Please do that all on your on.
And stop pulling out any boxes in her room,cleaning her room,washing her cloths and other things that she must do.Maybe her friends will note and tell her about the mess in her room and that her cloths are dirty.
Good luck.

I didn't get to see your original post, but I feel so bad that people on here have made you feel this way. First off, the fact that you are on top of what your daughter is doing is great!! This needs to be, those parents who baby their kids and let them do whatever they want and get whatever they want are the parents who are turning their heads saying "NOT MY KID!" while their kids are doing horrible things. There are SO many naive people on here it's almost comical "I have the best husband, the best kids...my family is perfect etc etc....." Whatever!! Wake up! You should put your post back up....because the ones that are blasting you are living miserable lives and have some serious problems going on behind closed doors and are trying to put up a really good front in front of everyone. This is real life, not a fairytale....your post could be helping lots of people on here who are scared to speak out......

Lisa,
I meant to write to you regarding the first post but I never got around to it. I have a son who don't seem to understand the purpose of a closet or dresser drawer. I think that it's his way of rebelling. Or being lazy. I don't re-wash clothes and he can't wear dirty clothes. So far, he is doing his own wash but he doesn't wash everything. There are still clothes on his floor. But he does wear clean clothes to school. It's a work in progress.

You sound like a good mom. Someone who I could appreciate advice from. This is generally a good forum to seek advice and learn from other moms. I'm sorry that many of the responses made you feel bad. You were in a tough spot and didn't deserve to have your parenting questioned.

Best of luck to you.
K.

I don't think that one could ever eradicate lying completely. Everyone lies, even if it to themselves only. Even you taking down your original post for "blasting" has a little white ring to it:) It appears from the outside that you really wanted to reinvent the thread to reflect yourself in a better light:)

When you get to know a child really well, the fact that they lie doesn't matter because you will be able to see through it and address what is being lied about. It seems to me by creating such a far fetched punishment will only cultivate her to become much more craftier at hiding information from you.

Anyways, for me it doesn't seem that the punishments are really teaching her why lying isn't valued, and are only teaching that lying takes away "things". Lying isn't valued because it damages our reliability to one another, making it so that we can't have faith in each other to be able to succeed. It impairs friendships and ruins relationships. It destroys trust, as it did with you. You trusted her, and she broke that trust by lying to you. Will the punishments inflicted build the trust back with you? If not, then what's the point of having them?

When I have to impose punishments on the teens I work with in the foster system, it is always with a goal of spending more one on one time with them to build the trust relationship. i.e. They lie about where they are going one night so I don't let them go anywhere without meeting a parent chaperone (or event organizer that will take responsibility for calling me if they leave the event) in person first for a few weeks. It is not convenient to get a parent to meet me first, but it can be done.
After that I will be okay to have the parent just call me for outings. A little while after that I will trust the teenager to take their word again about where they are going. Sometimes they lie again, and we start over. It takes a lot of give and take.

Another thing is that you have made chores(doing the family's laundry) a punishment, while at the same time trying to teach that it is a responsibility. That is a mixed message. It should be one or the other. Do you feel that it is a punishment when you have to do the whole family's laundry?

I think if it were me I would have approached the situation by acknowledging that she felt so overwhelmed that she thought she needed to hide the laundry and lie to me about it. Then I would have helped her find ways to complete the task. Then I probably would have laughed it off. I think that better sends the message that it is okay to feel overwhelmed and to ask for help. You want her to feel like she can always talk to you, right?

Anyways, that is just my 2 cents. You will have to repost about this in a few years and let us know how your methods worked out in the long run:)

Good luck!

Quite frankly, I'm shocked at how lenient a few moms here are on their kids when they suggest that you're expecting too much. Those poor kids will be out in the world soon w/o understanding that actions, and inactions, have consequences. . I also take my kids' ipods, etc - usually they are grounded from ALL electronics. period. and that is because they simply replace the one taken away with another. Kudos to you for being a great mom.

Yes, she is manipulating you. Stand your ground Mom and enforce this punishment. She will think twice about lying to you again. When she says things like that, don't argue with her because she is just trying to get a rise out of you. If you stick it out, you will have a lot easier time with future problems, if you give in she will use manipulation to rule your house and will continue to lie and do anything else she wants.

Personally, I think it is terrific that she leaves her clothes on a chair - most teens drop it on the floor where they take it off and leave it there. Yes, she lied to you and I'll get to that, but she put it in a box - what's the difference between a box and a laundry basket? If she has to wear wrinkled clothes because she put them in the box, so be it... there needs to be "natural consequences" to her actions so that you don't have to come down so hard.
She lied to you and you might want to keep her in next time she wants to go somewhere special or take her computer away for a couple of days since we both know she was chatting her friends and facebooking instead of hanging up her clothes or doing what you asked.
I think that making her do the family laundry on top of school and ballet rehearsals is too much. Something will have to slide and I'm sure it will be the school work. If it were me, I'd have taken the computer for 2 days... it would have made far more of an impression far faster... BUT I would have taken the computer because she lied not because of what she did with her clothes...
LBC

I agree with you completely. I have grounded my kids from certain things for lying, and no matter what the lie, there is always a consequence so they learn from the experience. They also know that they will get in way less trouble if they just tell me the truth. If they lie, the punishment is double. I don't take away every privilege, and I try to stay calm, and usually give myself a time before I choose a punishment. I think you should do everything you can now to discourage lying and I hope that nobody else gives you grief.

I think your discipline was right on. I call it discipline because you are not punishing her you are teacher her how to discipline herself. Your "punishment fit the crime." You had her correct the original error in not doing what she was supposed to do and thus showing her that lying does not get her out of being responsible for what she is to do. And she's not able to use her computer to contact friends because she treated you in a disrespectful way. (added: when she's not on the computer, etc. she is spending more time with you and learning how to be with Mom in a respectful way.) In my way of thinking she wasn't punished. You are teaching her by natural consequences.

Taking her out of ballet would have been a punishment and would have taught her that if she lies she'll lose something important to her which does feel more like punishment than teaching. You do something wrong and I'll make you hurt. Ballet is a responsibility and you want her to honor her word.

Saying you don't love her is a manipulative move. She may also feel that way at the moment because of her maturity level. She will stop saying that when she's old enough to feel deep down that you having her be responsible is an act of love. I think all kids say those words and all parents feel a pain in their heart. It is our responsibility to do what is right so that our children do grow up to be responsible adults. Lying is definitely not acceptable.

Good for you! She knows you love her!

Wow! I'm impressed. No fooling around for you. My 6 year old will tell me I don't love her when she's upset and I think it's partly because she knows it hurts and partly she's saying she needs to be reassured after whatever problem. Because she's 6 I make sure I spend extra time that day cuddled up reading and then extra time tucking in and talking at night. Seems to help.

I read your original post. I don't recall anything at all extreme about what you were doing. So sorry if people blasted you. It seems like people have been getting pretty vitriolic on this site lately. They are probably mad about something in their own lives and just taking it on you. Hope things improve your daughter and the laundry situation.

They sure do know how to push a mom's buttons, don't they? Come to think of it, we here probably all had our ways of doing that, too if we are honest!

Yes, that is just her way of trying to have some power over you as you exert your boundary. I'm sure she feels you are making a much bigger deal over this than is warranted, given what a typical teen thinks of such tasks as putting away one's clothes, etc. I think your best bet is to make the big deal over her lying to you--about ANYTHING--not as much about the actual clothes.

Trust is a very important thing, and you can let her know that you have really cared about the trusting relationship that you and she have had until now, but if she isn't telling you the truth about something as basic as whether she has done her chores--something you have the ability to check up on--then it makes you wonder about other things too. She WANTS you to trust her, doesn't she? She may find that very important as she gets older.

Remember to always make the "punishment" be a natural consequence--so if you are taking away her computer rights, it may be difficult to really make that make sense to her other than as a punitive thing. You'll have to tie it to the issue of the laundry and the lying somehow--perhaps that she used lying to get out of doing her chores so she could do fun things with friends? So now she doesn't get any of those things.

I agree that you should not take away ballet, for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with your contract with the company. If she is at that level, this seems like a possible profession for her and you need to take that seriously. It would be like taking a kid out of high school as a punishment. The thing she did really had nothing to do with ballet, so that's another reason--it wouldn't make any logical sense. And finally, there is NOTHING more powerful than ballet to teach teamwork, responsibility, hard work, and yes....trust! Ask her what it might be like to leap into the arms of a dancer who is supposed to catch her--and not know whether he will actually do so. Whether she's at that level or not yet, she will get the reference!

Lisa,
Being a parent is hard enough, especially raising a teenager. When
your daughter gets much older and becomes a parent she'll appreciate
this. We as parents have to discipline our children and set boundaries.
At the end of the day she's still your child and if that's your way of
punishment then so be it. No need to explain, you're a Mother and
the Mother's that blasted you should respesct that.

There are a lot of people who respond only to judge or to make sure they get their point across. Best thing is to stick to the old first grade rule if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

My son is 4 and we have issues with him putting his toys away after playing, same thing with his crayons. So, whenever he doesn't clean up his mess, of course with repeated reminders, I place my large clipboard ontop of his toybox with the lid on it for at least a day if I have to pick them up.

It starts early to teach them NOT to lie, or to do their chores and no one said being a mother was an easy task but we do it. And no one should be able to say you are wrong. I feel if they thought it was wrong, they could simply state their opinion and why without coming across so harshly but you run into that a lot on here.

Best of luck!

i am confused about what she got in trouble for i must of missed your first post. but i dont see you taking something like her stuff away for punishment is wrong it would be different if you just looked for reasons to get onto your daughter but that doesnt sound like the case ..i have a son who is going throught this"let see how far i can get away with by lying " phase and i have taken his phone video games ect.. but if you have ever read or watched DR.Phils shows he tells you u have to have punishment for bad behavior..

ok i'll throw my two cents in...here's my thing. i don't know that kids, even teenagers, deliberately try to "manipulate"... i don't even think most adults do it. i think we all just react to disappointment and unhappiness. i think it's her response to how she's feeling to your discipline.

our opinions on your actions have no place here because you've already done it, and NO WAY would i ever tell someone to go back on their discipline once they've stated it to their child.

but my point is, kids say these things. and she is just a kid. it's because she's 14 and upset and doesn't know how to verbalize her emotions. don't let it get to you. you're lucky it's the first time she's said it lol.

Hi L.,

Yes, she's trying to emotionally manipulate you. I think it's a couple of things. Number one she's trying to get you to back of on the punishment to "prove" you love her - or so she would have you believe. She absolutely KNOWS without a shadow of a doubt that you love her, but if she had a choice, she would much rather YOU feel guilty than she. That's the other thing. She is transferring the guilt and blame onto your shoulders instead of carrying the burden where it belongs - on hers. The best thing to do is stick to your guns and don't own that. If she persists in not taking responsibility for her actions you can always add another week to either or both punishments.

As to the teenager thing, I also think its a mom and daughter thing. At some point I think daughters decide to challenge moms for whos the head-woman-in-charge (cleaned up from the original phrase). So there is a lot of head butting involved in trying to be the one that decides things in the house like rules and boundaries. You set a boundary and she bucked, which is 100% normal. The key is to be firm and consistent. Don't lose your temper because no matter what comes after she has won.

It might be rough going for a little bit, but in the end things will get back to the normal order.

L.

I think you did the right thing. It doesn't sound like you are trying to do anything but teach your daughter respect, honesty and that there are consequences to our actions. Today people let things slide when it comes to their kids and then they keep doing things they aren't suppose to do and then one thing leads to another. If you don't show her what she did is wrong she will never learn. She will think twice before she lies to you and doesn't follow through with her chores. Keep up the good work .

Bravo Mom! I think you did the right thing in disciplining your daughter. You are continuing to teach her how to be responsible for herself and her things. I am amazed at the number of mom's who think it is okay to be messy and disrespectful just because your daughter is a teenager. It is your responsibility to teach her how to be a responsible contributing person in your household and in this world. Had you gone to her home and insisted she put her clothes away, that would have been overboard. Asking her to hang her clothes that you washed and folded is a reasonable request, even for a teenager. I believe the reason she is so focused and achievement oriented is because of the no nonsense approach you take and the example you set. Hang in there mom. You only have a few more teen years to get through, then get ready for the college years, adult years, mom years.... She may not appreciate your discipline now, but she will find value in the things you teach her now as she eventually matures into a woman, wife, and mother.

That is great. I think she is partially pulling your strings and partially feeling really sorry for herself right now. I think all kids go through the "You don't love me" phase. Just keep reassuring her you do and move forward.

you did right and she is trying to manipulate you by saying that. and personally i think you do to much. she is old enough to do some of the chores that you do for her. but that is a personal choice for you and since you said she does do well in school then hey go for what you know. but you were right in everyway and stick to your guns! good luck and she will get over it! we all did!

My children are all too little for a situation like this but I want to let you know that I would support your actions fully!!!

Respect is a two way street and somewhere, somehow, this needs to be taught. I think it rightfully should be at home. Lying is disrespectful. You go Mama!

~C.

I missed the original question, I think, but it sounds similar to what I would do.

"You don't love me". My sister spouted that one a lot. You are spot on when you tell her you DO love her, but I think it's apparent to everyone that the lying you really don't love and downright pissed you off. You asked her specifically if she hung up her clothes, she said yes and then you found out she didn't. You've issued a punishment, and now you have to stick with it or lose all credibility.
The problem I had as a teen was (lack of) storage space. New clothes would come in for school or Christmas, but a corresponding amount of old clothes did not always go away at the same rate. When some new comes in, an equal amount of old MUST go out. Sure keep a sentimental piece here and there, but worn out, and out grown has to go and then there is room and a place for the new. Let her punishment run it's course, but maybe you could help her go through her closet and eliminate some things that are not needed anymore.

Way to go! Sounds like you are doing everything right! The consequences sounds perfect and her response sounds very normal. Yes, it hurts when they don't think we love them. But it is because she is hurting right now. She knows she did wrong but was hoping to get away with lighter consequences. She does respect you because you put your foot down. She just wants to try to hurt you in her subtle way. Just smile and keep telling her that there is nothing in the world that she could do to make you stop loving her! Keep telling her you love her and never let her see you look shocked or disappointed that she thinks you might not love her. Don't ever let her see you react other than, "Oh, Sweetie, you know we love you!" Just answer with the same thing over and over and she will stop saying it.

Congrats on being a strong mom! You will be a great resource for other moms.