Hi moms -
I was wondering if anyone out there had any experiences with private mediation? I was never married, and my son's father wants him 50% of the time now. My son is 2. His dad has never taken him alone before, only in my presence. Anyway - he already wants over nights! We went to one mediation appt. and it was awful! I do have a lawyer - and so does he. Our lawyer bills are becoming outrageous and so far nothing has change. I just dont know what to do! Also, the father has a child who is 4 and he never has met that child - I found out about this child when I was pregnant! He also was married before and has another 15 year old son who he barley sees as well. He told me that children belong with their mothers but he wished he had custody set up with the children so his child support was lowered. I feel thought he may love our son, but at the same time since he tells me he loves me 1 min and then wished I was dead the next I question his motive for wanting time with our son. I pray he has good intentions. I brough my concerns to the mediator but he denies infront of her and she then blows me off. I wish I could go straight to a judge and have them rule. ANy help and advice would be appreciated.
GET A LAWYER!!
I am in a similar situation and you need legal advice.
Do not just use government mediation!
Wow! You are talking about my worst nightmare! I have a somewhat similar situation, however I have never filed the papers for fear he would want partial custody of my son. I have met with a lawyer several times and been told “do not meet with a woman mediator!” They end up feeling sorry for the father giving him rights he shouldn’t have. I’ve been advised to make sure I had an appointment with a man mediator. They tend to see the motives behind the fathers seeking partial custody the stupid law “the more time you spend with the child the less you pay”.
Anyways I hope this helps and I will be keeping you in my prayers. I am a single mother of a 2 year old son who has only seen his father a couple of times. I don’t receive any child support from the father – but could really use the money.
I hope everything works out.
K.
Dear MJ H,
This is a very serious problem, and you need lots of advice. Go to any professional that you can get to, especially a pediatrician. I wouldn't want my two year old to be cared for by anyone else 50% of the time, and you don't either, I presume. Just get as much backing as you can - minister, doctors, counselors, - what will the father do with him 50% of the time? The child is bonded to you right now, and needs to be with you. I have a funny feeling about this sudden interest.
Don't give in. Go to see a lawyer, if you cannot afford one, then look for one that helps people who cannot afford lawyers. Get busy and do your research. Also read child development books and get ideas for saying why your child needs to be with you.
Do not agree to anything, and just prolong it as long as you can. Use any excuse that you can back up with a bit of logic - like potty training, etc. Preschool - play time anything.
Good Luck, C. N.
MJ you have my sympathy. There is very little as frustrating as a custody case. My advice is to find a family law attorney or if you have any relationshop with the father try to find out what is behind the sudden wanting of custody...maybe you can talk him out of it. Best of luck!
I went to mediation also, but mine went in my favor because I caught my ex-husband in so many lies that the mediator couldn't look past them. I don't know what county or state your in, butI know that yolo county is were I filed and the courts here weren't going to let my ex get my son for more then 48 hours for 2 reasons
1: he didn't want him more then that.
2: I told the court that he really wasn't apart of his life when he was in my sons life.
If your ex wants visitation I think he should start off slow, which is what the court should do, let your son go for a few hours on the weekend to let him get to know him then after a few months if it seems to be working out then try 1 night and so on. My guess is that your ex feels guilty about his other 2 kids and not spending time with them or he's going to get the time and get "bored" with having the child around. When the court handed down the judgement for me,for the first 2 1/2 years my ex barely showed up for visitation, so much so, that my son who is now 7 doesn't realy care if he goes or stays.
I hope everything works out the way you want it.
mediation is not fun, believe me i know! but im almost sure you can get seperate mediation that way u can say all u have to w/o him being right there. also, it is up to you to bring all the issues u've mentioned to the mediator otherwise she does not know whats really going on! if you guys really cant come to an agreement at mediation you will go to the judge to settle it, just depends how far you want to go. mediation is only to see if u guys can come to an agreement w/o a judge. at least it is here in CA, i know where ur at can make a difference...any further assistance i can be feel free to ask, otherwise i will keep your son in my prayers. good luck & God bless.
I was in the same situation with my 2 girls. When we went to our mediation, I made sure that I told the mediator excatly what I wanted, and didnt settle for anything less than that. There will not be a ruling until both of you can agree on something. You can always ask for seprate mediation, that way to can talk to the mediator about how you feel with out the father there to get mad. Another suggestion is start out with only 1 night not a whole weekend. This way your son & you can get use to being away from eachother. I hope this helps.
MJ ~ First, I'm sure your lawyer has already told you that you DO NOT have to agree to anything in mediation. If you can come to an agreement, you should, but you do not have to. Your lawyer will plead your case in front of the judge when the time comes. However, for many couples, mediation is a positive step and helps lower the costs of attorneys' fees. Obviously this is not your story.
I'm a little confused as to why you wouldn't want the baby's dad to have time with his son. Did you not know about his parental history before you decided to have a baby with this man? If you knew that he was an absent parent with his other two children, did you think he would be different with yours? Or is that why you chose to have him as the father of your son? MJ, everyone makes mistakes and everyone is entitled to correct those mistakes. Perhaps the baby's father is trying to do right by your child because he feels bad about his previous children. Doesn't your son deserve to know his father? When you decided to have a child did you intend on raising it on your own? If you didn't think your baby's father was capable of being a good parent, why did you choose him to have a child with?
How often did your son's dad visit with your son before he went to court for 50% custody? Maybe he never asked for overnights with the baby before because he was waiting until he got older so dad could handle the situation better.
I guess my advise to you is to discuss your concerns with the mediator at your next mediation session. Tell the mediator you want clarification as to what his intentions are for your son. If he is just going to be in the picture long enough to let your son get attached just to walk out, then you'll take your chances in Court, but if he genuinely wants a lifetime relationship with his son, you need to make small steps. You can't just let your son leave for days on end at 2 years old. However, you can agree to overnight stays perhaps one or two nights (not consecutively) during the week so you can be sure the dad is responsible at getting the baby to daycare and getting himself to work on time. Then move to one overnight during the weekend. Test the waters and take really small steps.
In the end the most important thing is that your son knows and has a realtionship with both parents.
I let a judge rule over my case with my sons father when we couldnt agree in mediation. I had full custody and never dreamed a judge wouldnt see it my way, I lost, im still dumfounded. A judge loves to see a father that wants to be involved and apparently past involvement doesnt matter. In my case i was trying to get his visitation spent on days he would be home he used to pick up my son and then leave him with his girlfriend he worked all weekend, a judge ruled he could leave him since he had brothers there as well. his dad didn't have to be there. A judge agreed and gave him more time that he never even asked for april school vacation an another day during the week it was awful. I let my almost two year old son start spending the night with his dad on my own without an order but I went for permanent order when his dad started bringing him home hours late when he was ready to and skipping lots of visists so I wanted it set in writing when he took him. he was eight years old when we went back because I found he was hardly there for most of the weekend and time spent was with mostly his dads girlfriend. try to work it out because a judge could decide something your not even prepared for.
