Single Mom Parenting Help

I am not a single mom but I am a mom of 3 boys. I completely understand the very active part!!! One thing that I learned is that they need to know that they are important,too. They see us always running around and doing the million and one things that need to be done. Bargain with them that if they let you get this done without interuption then you will do something they want(read to them, play a game,etc..) I agree with the other moms that say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow through or you will lose ground because they will learn that they can get away with anything.

Finger sucking - Try putting bandaids on them or something that does not taste good.

Good Luck!!

Hi L.,
I read your post and it seems like I wrote it. I am also a single mother of 2, I work full time and also go to school. I am not going to lie, it is not easy and to top it off, I don't have any family here in Chicago. My son will be 4 years old next month and he still crawls in my bed every night. I'm sorry I don't seem to have an answer for you but my reason for responding is to let you know that you are not alone. If you need to talk or just vent (I know the feeling) send me a private message and I'll give you my phone number or e-mail address. I love mamasource because we are here to give each other support. I hope other moms have better advice than mines. Good luck.

Hi L.;

I read your post. HANG IN THERE! Somedays it is so hard, I know, but it will get better. First, don't worry about the fingers until she is five or six (according to my doctor, it won't harm anything and making an issue of it, will only make things worse).

We use the timeout method of discipline. We started with a spot in the middle of our hall way, but has my youngest got older, we had to change to the corner because there were too many distractions in the hall. Anyway, you have to give a warning (and remove her from the situation that is causing the behavior). Stop, get on her level, and look at her and tell her, mommy doesn't like you to ....(hit, spit, kick, scream, throw toys, etc.) You are going to have to take a timeout. Then I give a second (short warning). Mommy already asked you to please stop ....... 1 2 3. Ok it is time for a time out. I put my child in the timeout spot (Let them cry, scream throw a fit, as long as they stay in the spot). I set the egg timer and when it goes off they can return back to do what they are doing. I don't start the time over when they leave time out. I just gently pick them up and sit them back on the time out. When it is over, it is over!!! The more unnerved you get the more your child's behavior will escalate. The calmer and more reasonable you stay, the calmer she will be. (I know easier said than done). Good luck, and try to reward yourself for remainging calm. Get a sitter once a month and go get a coffee and read a book, take a walk by yourself. Go out with some friends. You deserve and need some time for yourself.

Oh as for keeping your child in her room. I never had this problem, because I always shut my children's doors. I put a child safety latch on her door knob, so she doesn't wander around the house, fall down the stairs or god forbid leave the house if we are sleeping. Good luck.

There are 2 books that I recomend - and I am not a book person, but they are good. 1-2-3 Magic, and How to Behave so Your Pre-schooler will to. They are good. The 1-2-3 Magic is just a time out thing and if you do it andare consistent, it really truly works - I have 3 boys under the age of 6 - 6,4,2.

For the sleeping thing - I would not stress out to much, I have a kid in my bed almost every night. My 6 year old always used to come into our bed, and at 5 he stoped and never does, and I was actually a little sad about it. My motto has always been, the more sleep that I get, the happier I am resulting in happier kids. Go sleep in her bed if she moves around to much. I know it is hard to keep things in perspective - but there will come a day that she will never do it and boom she is 6 - hang on, and get as much sleep as possible :)

good luck and just remember that it always gets better!

B.

L.,
I am not a single working mother, but I have 3 kids and work full time. I recently read the book Making Children Mind without Losing Yours (here is the Amazon link http://www.amazon.com/Making-Children-without-Losing-repa....

Oh my gosh, what a wonder it is making in my life. I realized that I have to come up with realistic consequences for bad behavior and FOLLOW THROUGH. I use it with my 7 yo and 3.5 yo, both girls. Fortunately, my baby boy (2yo) has not started his terrible twos yet. I use it all the time with my 7 yo, an example is she frequently leaves her coat at school, so I told her I was not going to go there and get it, she would have to live without. These cold mornings sure have changed her tune. Plus I love giving your child choices, do the good thing and x will happen and do the wrong thing and y will happen. It is working great for me.

Try out the book, only $10. I also found it at a Christian book store, as there are references to Scripture, however, it is not overly religious.

Let me know how it goes!!

Hi L.,

I have been a single mom, (one son), since my son was not quite 2 years old, it's not easy, although, when asked, "How do you do it on your own." I respond that it is easier on my own than it was with my ex-husband.

My son was a handful, it does get easier. Chris was challenging in every way imaginable. When he was 3 years old, I started us both in a program called Tuesdays Child:

www.tuesdayschildchicago.org

To get him to sleep in his own bed, a plan was recommended by my mentor and I stuck to it and it worked within 4 nights. It's not an easy couple of nights but in the end it is SO worth it. When you decide to start and I would start tonight if possible, you go through your bedtime routine and kiss her goodnight, I added, I'll see you in the morning, goodnight. My son would actually get up out of bed and I was told to lead him back to bed, (say nothing) and walk out of his room. I was told to make note of how many times I led him back to bed. Although, I was not supposed to say anything, after my son got up for the 20th time or so, I did say, it is time for bed, I will talk with you again in the morning. That first night, I admit, I did not think it was going to work, my son got up 34 times and I was starting to think letting him fall asleep in front of the TV was not such a bad idea, (that's what I had been doing). Anyway, after 34 times he finally stayed in bed. The second night he only got up 8 times, the third night 3 times and after that, he never got up again! This whole process may sound extreme, but it worked and in my opinion, it worked relatively quickly!

Sincerely,

J. Penfield
Stayin Home and Lovin It!
www.juliepenfield.com
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Kudos to you single moms out there! I have a 3 yo and a 2 yo and I have days where dad is gone the whole day and I get frustrated and wonder how in the world single moms do it. So I applaud you!

I wanted to respond about disciplining a 2 1/2 yo because both of my kids are that age range and I've come across some very interesting observations with my two. My daughter responds very well when I do a few things. The first is explain why exactly I'm redirecting her instead of just yelling no and taking something away. For example, she has these little golf clubs and the other day she was swinging them around in the air and I was afraid she'd hit her brother by accident. So I asked her politely to put down the club because I didn't want her to hit anyone by mistake. She stopped swinging it around. I know if I just said stop swinging she'd keep diong it.

Another tactic is say only what you mean and mean what you say. If one of them is misbehaving I tell them I count to three and if they don't stop, they get a time out and I follow through with it. They know now when the counting starts, trouble follows so most of the time they stop by 2. Once in a while my smart alec daughter will finish the counting for me, which earns her a timeout for being a smart alec. hehehe

Another thing is I try to prevent situations from happening. If i know a meltdown is emerging from hunger or tiredness or something else, I take steps to prevent the issue in the first place. I also know that sometimes my kids get pesky because it seems like they feel I haven't paid enough attention to them that day, so I get on the floor with them and spend some high quality focused time with them. That changes their attitude real quick, they have their mommy fix and are quite satisfied.

Good luck to you, hang in there. Women have strengths they aren't even aware of. If you can, establish a support system and take some time for you!

Hi, I'm sure it is very difficult being a single mom! Regarding discipline, I suggest a book called 1-2-3 Magic, it works very well with both my boys but you need to stick to it. Regarding your daughter getting out of bed, when I moved my 2 year old to a big bed I put a childproof doorknob cover on the inside doorknob of his room. Since I did this from the start it worked well. The first few nap times he yelled and pounded on the door and then it stopped. It has been removed and he no longer even gets out of bed or tries the door.

I'm sure your daughter will be getting pretty upset since she is used to opening her door and going into your room so I don't know if this will work for you. Good luck!

L.

My daughter was 2 1/2 when her dad and I split up. She is now 21 and a senior in college. I went through a lot of what you are talking about. Hang in there. Enjoy your daughter. My daughter and I are very close, and she is a wonderful, smart and loving girl. Someone asked her once if she wished that I would not have had to work, her reply was that she never knew anything different, she didn't feel that she missed out on anything. If you can afford it, sign her up for a gymnastics or dance class. Burn off some energy, and it will give you an hour to read or pay bills while she is in class. This is probably the most difficult age, but trust me, it does get better.

I think it is interesting that she is already in preschool. I have a very active, smart as a tack 2 1/2 year old as well. She is already starting to spell words!! I don't think that there is anything wrong with her being in preschool, but she may be seeing behaviors there. As a 2 1/2 year old, she may not understand their behaviors or be able to understand their motives, and therefore, she is appearing to act out???? Just a thought!!

Sleeping all night in her own bed...we struggle with that as well. I am pretty forceful with her and I do not show any sympathy when she tells me she wants to come in our bed. Also, she loves her pacifiers at night, and I told her that I would take them away if she didn't stay in her crib at night. That worked immediately, and I just have to remind her of that once in a while. There are nights that she has a really bad dream and is very upset, or she doesn't feel well. Then, we make exceptions, but only occationally!!

GOOD LUCK!

Hi L.
I'm not a single parent, but my 3 year old son is mommy mommy, mommy. THe only thing i can share is this my son slept in my bed until this may he had just turned 3. we sat him down and explained the situation and there were some times he would come into our room but we had to be firm and stand our ground he know sleeps in his own room. The discipline we found the standing by what you say and mean it. If you wavier sometimes they will play that against you. mean exactly what you say. If you say no toys for bad behavior stick to waht you say. I found out the hard way that you have to give them structure and consistency at all times and this is very hard I'm still struggling with it. JUst stick to don't make things difficult that she wont understand keep it simple. Good Luck.
K. H.

I am also a single mom (my son is five). I've been divorced for three years, but had full responsibilty of my son since he was born (my ex never wanted him and tried to force an abortion).

I posted this response to another mom who had thw same question about getting their child to sleep in their own bed....

"I am a believer of tough love.

I am the parent and adult, therefore, my rules are the ones my son is expected to live by. If the rule is he sleeps in his own bed, then he sleeps in his own bed. The ONLY exceptions I make is if he is very sick, or if there is a thunderstorm (he is terrified of them).

My son also tried to avoid sleeping in his own bed when he was around 3. We went through the bedtime routine (bath, book, tucking him in), and then I turned off the light and left the room. I had a tall baby gate in the doorway so he could not leave the room and didn't keep many toys in his room. I simply left. He cried, he screamed, he yelled. I ignored him, and eventually he would tire himself out and go to bed. After the third night, he went to bed without the temper tantrums and after a week, I was able to take the gate down. He now happily goes to bed in his own bed every night and rarely gives me any grief over bedtime."

Remember to follow through on anything you say - positive or negative. I do the counting thing - "I'm going to count to three and if you don't quit screaming, you will sit on time out", or "I'm going to count to three and if you aren't in the bathroom for bathtime then you will sit in timeout - and take the bath afterwards anyway." When I get to three... I follow through and do whatever I said.

This applies to positives, too. "If you eat all of your peas you can have dessert". Okay, so there's still chicken and rice on his plate... but he ate the peas... so he gets dessert.

"If you get no time outs for three days, then we'll have dinner at McDonalds." If my son meets my requirement... then on the third day I'm choking down McDonalds (ick) while my son is happily chomping on McNuggets.

Children need consistency, so be sure to provide it.
Single parenting doesnt really get easier... but it does change and children go through phases... this phase will pass!

Hi - Hang in there and know that there are a lot of us struggling with the same issues every day...here's my perspective...

I have a 20 month active little boy and when he mis-baves we tell him NO and then we use a naughty step...the 2nd step on our staircase to put our son on when he mis-behaves. We have him sit there for one and a half minutes. Then we kneel down to his level and explain why he is sitting there and then we ask him to say he is sorry and then he gives us a kiss and a hug. Children need discipline that is consistent and that they can grasp. My son seems to do well with the naughty step...we started when he was around 17 months. My Mom watches my son during the day and she just puts him in the middle of the room - so he can't reach his toys or books...and makes him sit there for a minute or so too. So we are pretty consistent with this way of discipline. It seems to work well for him.

As far as staying in his bed the books say that's a discipline issue as well. I haven't moved him from his crib yet...but we are preparing his new room now...my thinking is we will put a gate up in his door way...so that he has to stay in his room. I remember my Aunt having to put up two gates one on top of each other, on one door to keep her daughter in the room because she would just climb over the first gate. Just some thoughts to consider. Good Luck!!

Hi. I have also went through what you are going through. It will be tough, but it will make you appriciate the good moments other parents take for granted. It will get better. Remember, stay a parent. You will want go soft on your parenting skills ~ it wont work, or help.

I just briefly looked at the above replies. I just want to let you know that I love Magic 1-2-3. There is a video based on the book and is also called Magic 1-2-3. You can get it from your library. If your library does not have it, you can request it from another library. I am not a book reader. The video gave great examples and how to handle different un-wanted behaviors.

I have been using it with my daughter since she was 2. She is now six and she responds to Magic 1-2-3. She will not respond appropriately if I yell and scream.