Sister Living with Us for Too Long, Need Her Out! Advice Please!

I would start small. Its like when a relative or friend gets a new car. All of a sudden YOU want a new car or at least a different car...

Start looking around for rentals and when you find something nice that you think she'd like, 'just happen' to stumble upon it.

Go to yard sales, open houses, just to look around.... she sounds pretty complacent and she may feel that she is being a help not a hinderance so tread lightly, while getting the moving bug into her system.

You need to give her a deadline to move out. And then you need to stick to it. Where she moves afterward and whether or not she has a job will not be your responsibility but hers. Period, full stop.

You can tell her that the arrangement isn't working out any longer and while you've enjoyed having her there it's time for her to move on into her own place. I wouldn't go down the list of grievances you have with her because frankly, you don't even need them. I would be encouraging her to leave even if she were the perfect house guest because she's a perfectly capable adult who is taking advantage of you. The rest of it is just crappy icing on a shitty cake.

Well, you need to have a family discussion and let her know there is a time limit and set some clear boundaries.

First, compromise on any major concerns, such as the and smoking. Show her where an appropriate place to smoke is. Is she not receiving any unemployment or assistance? Surely she can pitch in money for food and paying her own bills.

As for other issues, like the terms of endearment instead of using first names, or giving the kids snacks or whatever.. it's sounds like you are being nitpicky and overly critical b/c you are just annoyed with the situation, so just let those go.

Your kindness is starting to enable her.

Dr. Phil has some great advice on helping adult mooches move on, (be sure you scroll down the page and click on related links for the advice);
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/520

I think you just need to be blunt - let her know that this arrangment is not working out and she needs to start making other plans. Personally, I am amazed that you and hubby have put up with it for this long and haven't said anything about anything until now (or maybe you have, I don't know). She is undermining your authority as a parent, she is putting your asthmatic sons health at risk, she is essentially being a freeloader and taking advantage of you. By allowing her to live there without contributing anything, you are enabling her. I would tell her she has 1 month to find someplace else to live, or her stuff will end up on the front lawn and the locks will be changed.

you need to be blunt, say listen it has been great having you here BUT i think you just need to find another place to live so my kids can get back to a normal schedule before school starts in a month

Give her a date, that is about all you can do at this point. Just say something like you are glad you have been able to help her out but by such and such date she needs to make other arrangements. I know it is tough but you have a whole family being affected by this. My mother let my uncle live with her for two years one time and it nearly drove her nuts!! She didn't feel she could do anything about it bc it was just her. I think bc you have your hubby and kids in the mix if she gets huffy just say that your whole family needs time to get established and this was a decision that you and your husband came to. I think it will upset her, but well, that's life. Good luck!!

I would help find her a job. Something she can do, either by on the job training like so many jobs are doing now, or something in her field. You didn't say what type of job she had before but the main thing is, for now at least, for her to get a job to start supporting herself. There are a number of nice, low rent, apartments or even out in the more rural areas, sometimes you can find like a detached garage apartment for rent fairly reasonable that's not 'roachy' or bug ridden like so many low rent places are. Go shopping for rental places w/her, I'm sure she'd appreciate someone going w/her to help her make a decision. While she may hafta plan on a tight budget, it CAN be done, she just hasta apply herself. Give her say, 30 days, or whatever date you deem reasonable, to move out. You didn't say how long she's been living w/you but just let her know that while you've been happy to help her out for the mean time, it's time she finds a job & a place of her own but be firm about it, don't back down if she tries to whine her way into changing your mind...stand firm. It's your home, not hers & while you've been happy to help, she doesn't seem to be much in trying to better 'her' situation to be on her own from what I gathered, plus she's 45, plenty old enough to be living & supporting herself if she tries hard enough...surely she doesn't expect to live w/you forever, right?? Hope this helps, good luck!

Hi,

I think unfortunately, you need to have a heart-to heart talk with her. When she moved in, did you talk about time frame??? I would say to her that you love her and want the best for her. But you need your family time back and your life back and her living with you is really interferring with that. She needs to make a plan to be out of the house within 1 month. That is enough time---to get her going looking for a job and seeking other housing arrangements. Just remember, you did her a great service by letting her live there---don't be sucked into--she has no job, no where to go etc. She is 45 years old!!!! She can figure out some things without you enabling her. Be firm and give her no more than 1 month to be out!!! GL

M

I had a similar situation with my nephew, before he moved in we talked about the rules of the home and what it was he needed to accomplish while he was staying with us. It's too late for that now but I agree with some of the advise you have received and that is to set a date and hold firm on it. Take her out to eat or go to a park anywhere but your home just you and her and tell her that you want more than anything for her to succeed and you will support her but at the same time she needs to be able to stand on her own. Ask her how long does she think she will need before she will be able to move out. If she give you some ridiculous time line say two years you tell her 6 mths, or what ever you feel comfortable with. By asking her, her idea of how long it will take it makes it feel and sound more supportive instead of you giving a date for when she should leave. THis way you both come up with a date and you both work at meeting that date. Offer to help with her resume or getting the word out so that she can land a position. Really start looking and come home with places you know that are hiring and mention it to her. This is a very hard position to be in for the both of you I am sure she would prefer her own space just has much has you would like her to have it. Good luck.

After two years of being unemployed, people are not going to beat down (your door) to hire her...but that's not your problem. Your immediate family is your concern. The other moms have great suggestions for boundaries and move out dates, it can be done kind. It can't continue like this forever, yuck.

The only point I don't agree with is your desire for your kids to be called their proper, given name. I love nicknames and terms of endearment, still do and my daughter is 18. That part wouldn't bother me, just get her out of your house! Good luck.

People fall on hard times, yes. Others pick them up and dust them off, you've done this. Now it is interfering with your life and somewhat damaging your relationship. It is time for a timeline. Can you give her a timeline as to when she will need to find another place to live? I don't have a clue as to how, other than maybe looking up rooms to rent and sharing them with her. Maybe being considerately honest and sharing that it will be best for your relationship with her. It seems that she is quite comfy and that she is fine with things the way they are. I don't think that this will just go away if you don't, in some way, address it. You seem so sweet!! I feel for you because I can tell that you are trying so hard to keep everyone happy but your deserve peace and I think your sister would agree..Best of luck to you and your family :)

Talk to her, she's your sister. Let her know you love her but things aren't working out for you. Let her know you aren't kicking her out this minute but she really needs to make other arrangements in the near future because you can see your relationship becoming bitter with her. She'll probably be a little hurt at first because she doesn't have that safety net but it really is moving her in the right direction. Let her know we all go through some rough patches in life and need some help, which you have done. But there comes a time when help becomes a crutch and enables a person. Just let her know over and over how much you love her and don't want to hate her... which there is getting to be a lot of negative feelings towards her already.
Good Luck, I know it's gonna be hard, but you have to do it...

Sounds to me like life is just too sweet to lose that lifestyle and that she is probably not trying very hard to get back on her own two feet. I would give her a timeframe in which she has to find a job and a place to live. Maybe then she will stop piggybacking off you and get a job and not wait around for her dream job that makes tons of money. Its bizarre to me that she isnt working now and paying bills and such
Get her out so you can have your life and your family back. You have helped her out more than enough

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Jus Be patient! She is family and she needs you. What if the tables were turned and it was you and your hubsband. Always consider yourself in situations like these because it definitely can happen to you. Understand the irresponsibleness of her and agree to a deadline like you said and that should solve it. Make sure you stand fast to the date.

Hope all goes well!