Someone Analize Me!!!

You are always looking for a fixer upper. You and your kids certainly deserve more than that. There are a lot of men that social outcasts by choice. Be very careful about which kind you are surrounding yourself with. I thought my ex was a funny quirky outcast... there are reasons why some do not fit in... and never will. Not to sound cruel, but having been in that world... my biggest fears became that my children would learn or not learn important social skills and would become outcasts themselves. You should get a therapist or a close friend to lay out what they see and think. My close friends were afraid to tell me what they saw me doing...my best friend told me what I was doing and offered her love to me, but not her support for my "odd relationship" While we are being honest, I am a repeat offender of finding outcasts. I have a nice guy now... and trust me... it is nice. Nice to go someplace and know I will not want to crawl into a hole or feel afraid of what the "odd" one will do or say. Fixer uppers are too much work for a good mom with three kids. You should not have to teach social skills to anyone but your kids.

I am a therapist so I am not impartial, but I think you should get some good counseling! I think it's wonderful that you are so aware and noticing your patterns, and I think it this might be a great opportunity to really delve in and understand yourself deeply! I believe we can do a lot for ourselves and clearly you have, but I also think healing happens better with company. I also belive people should be very picky and find a therapist who works for you (some people want some one who is super quiet and gentle, some like some one who voices opinions and has ideas to offer, etc). There is a reason you are choosing these men and I would look into that before you decide if the particular man is ok. That way the focus is on you, not on him. Good luck!

Oh You are so not alone! Remember,the path of parenting and love is all a path of the heart. Not your head. If you doubt any part or get lost in your mind there is no bottom to that.
And, you will!! completely know when the right man is in your life, just as you know when you are making other intuitively correct decisions for you children. Be patient and trust that the grace and wisdom that brought you, your beautiful children and brought you this far in your life remains here still, to guide you. Also, with 13 years in relationship, there may be more peace in offering yourself that commitment you seek. Your children may feel this renewed focus and presence from you, and the gift of ourself to ourself is amazing.

Separating from the father of my children was the most difficult act for me and it took some years to find a balance. One day I decided that I was going to stop looking around and "begin treating myself very well, in many different ways, and if anyone wanted to participate in that with me they were welcome." I am more centered and at peace in my mind with this walk and I know that if when the right man steps into my life I will recognize it because it comes from that place.
blessings,
A.

Good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship even if it took 13 years. ANd good for you for seeing that pattern. You obviosly have some more work to do on yourself before getting into another relationship. You want to work through that stuff so you can choose a healthy relationship for yourself and your kids. Is there someone you can start talking to so you have help sorting things out. Remember you are a wonderful, powerful, strong woman...you know it, you just lost it for awhile. This is where you need to get back to and stand in that wonderful power and grace....Goodluck!!

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago and afterwards it was a big adjustment. I was really young any way and I had a lot of growing up to do but it's very different getting out into the real, normal world of relationships, vs. an abusive, scary, degrading world. Do you feel like you deserve a loving, healthy, happy relationship? Are you afraid that a "normal" man with no disabilities is going to turn out the same as your ex-husband? There are a lot of subconscious things going on after ANY experience but you really have to think about it after a negative one.
There's nothing wrong with who ever you're attracted to. Just be sure you're allowing yourself to have the life you deserve and not acting on any residual emotional damage.

Hi C.,

Just a hip shot, but it seems like you might be getting into a situation where the circumstances/disabilities of these men's lives are the controlling factor and again a place where YOU have to accommodate yourself to fit. So it feels like a spin on the original program. And the fact that you're already feeling it as part of a pattern is also worth paying attention to. I knew of one woman who couldn't help being attracted to alcoholics; she could sense them (by her own attraction) even before she knew they were alcoholics. She did hypnotherapy to reverse her own programming and put in what she REALLY wanted in a partner.

Best,
J.

I don't understand why you consider yourself a prople pleaser. What people are you pleasing? In my opinion, and that's all it is, you need to find yourself. The real you, before you try going into a relationship thinking you can help any of those men, who obviously are dealing with their own issues. You have 3 children, whom you will be caring for for years to come, why add another person to tend to? Find yourself first, and figure out who you are and what you want out of life for yourself, then seek a possible partner, but hopefully by then you will know what you are bringing to the table. You sound a little confused, take your time. Good look.

C., you say you just got out of a 13 year marriage with an abusive control freak, and you are a nurse, and have 3 children. You sound like a responsible, caring educated person but you are falling for men with medical problems. Stop and think... you have 3 children that need you,and don't need the men with problems to take time away from your kids. Especially needy men, that are unsociable and will resent your time away from home doing social things THEY don't enjoy.

Hi C.,

It sounds to me like you have reacted to an unhappy past life with a very controlling husband by choosing men who are all somehow "disabled" and therefore unable to control you. In fact, they are all men who need some higher level of care and attention on your part to deal with, which can be a very powerful (if heavy) place to relate from. The downside of this position is that the need for caretaking can start to feel burdensome and in that way restrictive of our freedom, or controlling.

It sounds like you might benefit from further exploration of this pattern (and yes, it does sound like a pattern) through therapy or coaching. It would be such a drag to end up in an unhappy marriage again, especially now that you are thriving.

BTW, I can totally relate to this subject as I was also married to a very controlling man and breathed a tremendous sigh of relief when I ended it. Also to give you some background, I'm a 45 y.o. single mom with a 10 year-old son, who was a clinical social worker for many years before becoming a life coach.

Best wishes to you, and happy holidays!

L. K.

Dear C.,

You don't mention how old the children are, or how long ago the divorce was, but your children are probably also recovering from the abusive marriage. It's important for the children to have two stable, nuturing parents (especially during the teen years). It's probably not in their best interests for them to have a new stepfather with personality issues. I grew up with family members with mental illness/personality issues, and from my experience, children aren't mature enough to put the situation in its proper context.

I would suggest continuing to date until you find someone who can be a nuturing father to them.

C., There is a great resource called the Enneagram. It is a study of the 9 different personality types . I highly recommend to anyone and everyone to learn their Enneagram style and then to work to unlock from the limitations that each style brings. I cannot believe that they let us out of high school let alone get married and have children without this resource. I too am a helper person and I too have paid a high price for this way of relating to myself and others. you can go to www.enneagraminstitute.com and take the online test. I recommend buying The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson. you can buy it on the site. I have been studying with Don and Russ for the last 4 years and they are wise and compassionate teachers. The quality of my life has improved so much as a result of my willingness to look deeply at myself and learn other ways of being in the world without my "helper" identity. Best of luck to you! H.

Dear C.,

I am on my second marriage but when I too got divorced I was worried about marrying again. The one thing that scared me the most was hearing that unless you get some help and get "well" you will only repeat yourself. You have to figure out why you married (and stayed) with your husband or you will find another guy with the same qualities and repeat the process, maybe not to the same extreme, but it is like any thing else in life. To get over an addiction, you have to find the root of it or you will just trade off, food for cigerattes, alchol for food or tv for etc, etc etc. I invested in some therapy after my divorce and 2 years later married my soul mate. When I was dating I had firm boundaries and knew what I would "put up" with and still be happy and what I would not tolerate, so I rarely went on a second date with guys I immediately scratched off my "list" because life is too short to "change" somebody else, not that you can or should, and life is too short to be unhappy and once you know what will make you happy go for it! It is not your "job" to take care of anybody but you and your kids, a mate is supposed to help bring you up not bring you down or make you miserable.
Hope this all made sense. Good luck!

C.,

Been there, done that. I was married for 16 years to a man who was very controlling and manipulative. What I realized after we separated is that I had married my mother. With her, I never felt good enough. With my ex, it was amplified. The men I dated all appeared different, but were very similar in nature. In fact, I almost married a clone of my ex-husband (the old shoe fits very well). I went on an explore to find out what all that was about. After dealing with my "mother" issue, I was no longer attracted to men that made me feel "not good enough". I am now married to a wonderful man that NEVER makes me feel that way. Until you determine what childhood hurt you are trying to repair, you will continue to be attracted the same type of man (or swing to the other extreme). Focus first on healing yourself and you will attract healthier men. Great book by Harvelle Hendrix: “Getting the Love You Want”, www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com.

Good luck on your adventure.

J.

Hi C., Well I was in a abusive marraige in my early twenties, he was 11 years older than me and very controlling and always put me down. He brain washed me. Luckly I got out after only 2 years. I had to realize first that I was okay by myself! And also I had to learn to love myself. After you do that then you will feel better about you choice in men. It sounds a little like you are rebounding and you have the pick of three guys, but you don't REALLY want any of them. So cut your losses, become okay with yourself and your children, then start dating again. Hope that helps.
Happy Holidays!
A.

Hi C.,
YOu sound like many of us who are caretakers with a need to be needed. My advice is to pour the love on to yourself. When you feel absolutely full then it is a good time to seek relationship with another. If you don't feel complete you are bound to seek out a partner to fill that gap and create a less than healthy relationship for you and your children to be around. Don;t get in your head to much, your heart hold your true wisdom.
Blessings to you,
P.

I'm sure these men are very nice but they are also not "in demand" as potential mates. So they may seem convenient and, frankly, grateful that someone such as yourself is interested in them. And that probably makes you feel pretty good. But I think you deserve a man that does not have health-issues. Of course, every relationship has issues, but the health-issues you described are rather major in my opinion and and will be something that you will always have to deal with. I think you should give yourself more time and focus on becoming a woman who's content with herself before looking for a new man. I'm sorry if I criticizing anyone with these kinds of disabilities. Happy Holidays. Michele

I think you're looking for a man that isn't a threat to you or your current life of freedom, which is good. You need that. As for Aspergers, my son has autism or Aspergers, there's been debate as to which he has. I can see him living a totally normal life eventually (he's 7 now). IT depends entirely on the individual not the diagnosis. You should look for good people, regardless of what problems or issues they have. If the people are good, they can make it through anything that is a challenge in life.
Live for yourself and your children, and spend time with friends and date and try not to worry too much about finding someone to marry until you're ready for that. When the right person comes along you won't wonder if it's right, you'll know it is.

C.,
You and your children are so precious. Be single, be a Mom, your children need you more than ever. Don't bring a man into their lives. I know this sounds impossible, but it is the best thing you can do for, not only yourself, but for those 3 little ones.
Years from now you will be glad you put their feelings first, above any your "needs" now.
S. <><

Dont worry about another realtionship. Put all your energey into raising your kids until they are adults. They need you more than you need another realtionship.

I believe I was in your same position...We would seek people that needed us and that we could mother and please!!! But it is not a bad thing, if you can find a man that is also willing to please you too and that wants to take care of you...the problem is when it is not reciprocated!!! after a while you will grow tired of being the pleaser and will want out!!! And that takes approximatly 2 years... scientific fact!!! Once the Passion cools down!!! Love, G.. :0)
P.S. I found that man and I am very happy!!! We are friends and can talk about anything under tha sun!!!