Sons Dad Is a Total Jerk.....

Well, the same thing happened to me with my own dad growing up. Though I haven't seen him since I was 4, I did get to meet his mom almost 6 years ago. 2 months after meeting her, my mom called her to try to find out what was said and I talked to her. I was told that I wasn't his kid and that was that, but growing up I had wondered why I never seen him or talked to him. He missed out and I have my own son to worry about. Though my son's dad and I aren't together anymore, his dad sees him on regular weekly visits. If his dad should split and never want anything to do with him ever again, I'd let him visit at least once to form his own opinion. My mom did the same thing with my brother's dad and my brother doesn't have anything to do with his dad either.

This is a predicament that many of us single parents face all too often. Unfortunatley, this is a decision that is entirely up to you at this point. But, I would like to offer some advice that is merely my own opinions. Whether your son is eleven or eighteen, his curiosity about is father will not cease until he is able to satisfy his wonders. In other words, your son will most likley search for his father one day with or without your permission or protection. As difficult as it might be I feel that it is very important to be supportive and as understanding as you can be regarding the situation. Even though it sound like this guy is a real jerk, it is very important not to let that message be sent to your son. Try not to degrade your ex in front of your son. Explain to your son that his father was not taught how to properly take care of himself much less any children. If his father played music,played sports, or anything positive, tell your son about these attributes. This may give him something to identify himself with. Also, I feel this experience, if properly handled can enable your son to be an excellent father one day because he will be encouraged to not make the same mistakes. Sometimes experiences like these cause an opposite reaction than one might think. This approach may satisfy his need to interact with his father or it may not. If not, as I mentioned before he will most likely want to find out on his own. This will be hard for you at first, but hang in there. Your son will eventually be able to determine whether his father is worthy of his love and presence. This may or may not be painful for your son, but realize that we cannot protect them from everything all of there life. Be strong!

I know about wanting to protect your child. However, you can't protect him forever. But you can prepare him for life. Let him know that his father may not want to he in his life. So it's not a slap in the face when it happens. Let him know that it is his fathers loss and that it has nothing to do with him (Sam), that his father can be selfish. Also try to prep his father. Let him know that if he doesn't want to be in his sons life thats fine, but his son would like to spend an hour or so to get to know him. That's not much to ask. And try to make it a fun time for both. Like a batting cage or something they can do together while they talk, so they just aren't staring at each other across a table.

But, of course, this is your decision. But you don't want to be the bad guy. Let your ex be that.

Just in the experience of my own going up with a split family and now dealing with a step-child of my own...i suggest that you never deny the child the possibily of meeting the other parent if that is what he wants...Reason being the older he gets would you rather him come to you and say "I hate you for not letting me know my father!" or "Moma thank you for letting meet my father even though things didn't work out with I know I will always have you" And by all means never down his father infront of him let him make his own oppion he will see the real picture and just be there for him when he gets hurt...God bless you and yours..

Hi S.,
I had the same problem 2 years ago. But I let my son go to his jerk father's house. That was all it took!! He can't stand his father and wants nothing to do with him and my son is now 16 1/2 years old! I didn't want to share him either, but I gave it a shot. I told the jerk if he was going to be apart of my sons life, that mean't everything about his life. Well, two years down the road, he doesn't contact him or anything and that is all right with me!! I take his child support and go on about my business!! So does my son!! If your child has no respect for him after being with him...you have no problem.. he won't want to go back! All you have to do is show him what a JERK the father really is and your problem is solved!!!I never talked my son's father down to him...he found out all on his own. And, I was done that way by my real father and it hurts at first, but boys get over things real fast!! The only time my son says anything....he says...I wish my dad wasn't such a jerk!! Me too son!! But you will never change the jerk and your child will find that out! The jerks go on with their lives and the children suffer, but only until they are back home with us!! Then they forget about the dad!! I hope this helps, but don't put to much stock in what the jerk says...call his bluff....he will back away because they don't not want the responsiblity. Take care and Merry Christmas and I hope you never have to share your child!! T.

well i hve a half brother that was in the same situation when he was growing up dad was not around and wanted nothing to do with him but my dad adopted him. but as he got older he asked questions so my mom called his dad they met and my brother formed his own opinion on what he thought of his dad. later on (he is now 27 married and 2 kids) he told my mom that he was glad she let him decide for hisself and got to see for hisself that his dad was a few words a i can't write. because if she would have just told him herself he would have resented my mom. so i say let him see for hisself , because one way or another maybe not now he will try to find him better to go ahead and let by gones be bygones.

In my opinion, I would take him to see the jerk- and let the jerk hurt his feelings. Then he will know you were telling the truth. If you say no, and later on he finds his dad anyway- his dad might say that you were the one that wouldn't let them meet. I have known this to happen, even though that wasn't the way it was at all! So I think your best bet is to prepare your son for the meeting, let him know what might happen, and then be there to comfort him. That way he will have found out the truth for himself, and seen what a jerk his dad is. As for blowing up your exes house afterwards- I will leave that up to you ;) But I think you will feel relieved at not having to worry about this anymore. You can not change who your ex husband is, but you can change your sons view of him to be more in tact with reality.

change son to daughter and you're singing my song. I have a beautiful 10 year old girl that has not seen or heard from her father since she was 2 1/2. the last thing he said to her was "I don't want anything to do with you or your mother". I say let him meet his father, let him find out what kind of person his father is, and just be there to help him understand. Sounds like he just needs some answers that only his father can give. The most important thing is let him find out for himself.

S., I am a mother of five beautiful boys. Everyday of my life, I have to deal with their fathers. They make it so hard for me to raise the boys because the rules I have or the way I raise them, they dont do the same. Saying all of that. The kids no who's been there and they know who has not. Give his father a chance to be the father he needs to be for Sam right now. You can't change him or make him do for your son. Let your son determine after he see him if he want to continue to see him. You cant give him what his father or any man can give him as a boy, good or bad. We all make mistake and Sam has to deal with the issue of living without dad so day. I am going to pray for you and your discussion and so do you. Think about Sam needs and go from there.

S., I really wouldn't introduce your son to his father. I am not "that kind of mother" either, however, your ex has made it clear he has absolutely no interest at all in meeting Sam. Why disappoint Sam? Why set him up for that intense pain of rejection from a man he doesn't even know? If I were you, I would sit down with Sam and be HONEST about the past, and exactly how your ex made it clear he does not want to be contacted. Your son deserves to know the truth. He will be hurt, but you knew that when your ex left. That is the hard part of being a single mom, knowing your ex is intentionally causing pain, and will for the entire time he refuses to be in a relationship with Sam. If Sam has a hard time accepting this fact of life, I would consider a child therapist for him. In fact, it cannot hurt to let Sam have someone to vent his feelings to that is not emotionally involved and that can actually guide his feelings into positive venues. I hope this helps;)

It sounds like you've done a great job raising your son to be a well adjusted, confident young man. He will probably not take no for an answer. I know you want to shelter him from all things bad or harmful, but the sad news is that we, as parents, have to let go sometimes. Try to remember that kids are very resiliant. Whatever the outcome, he will be able to handle it. If you don't let him try to see his father, it may be you that is viewed as the bad guy, not his father.

i know how you feel and it is a hard choice to make. i have a 3 year old and her dad is the same way. i do allow him to see her but she gets so upset when he leaves. his problem is he'll wait 6 months and then want to see her again. it is sad but i hope one day that me alowing him to see her will pay off. if it doesn't then i know she will be just fine i grew up with out my father and i feel it made me a stronger more independent person. i truely hope you make the right choice and it works out for your son.