Soon to Be Single

First of all don't give up and act like it is over. I would recommend the website exceptionalmarriages.com. It is run by Gregory and Lisa Popcak who have written wonderful books on marriage. They also offer counseling over the phone through Pastorial Solutions. Please get counseling from a therapist that believes in keeping marriages together, even if you go by yourself.
My husband and I recently started counseling after being married 4 1/2 years. I now have hope that we'll be communicating better. My husband and I continue to pray every day for our and every marriage. It is a battle out there and don't give up without a fight.

I second watching FireProof together. And definitely do the Love Dare book on him! Get it from the library if you can't afford it.

And find a pastor who can counsel you. Even if your husband does not want to go, you can still go and get some help.

Another thing I HIGHLY recomend you do is write him a letter (OR better yet would be to tell him in person that you respect him. Make sure to have your list of things you respect ready in your head so you can tell him those as well). Tell him all the things you RESPECT about him. It sounds like he is unhappy about his job and taking it out on you. Make sure that he knows you respect him! That he is still the world to you.

Love is a choice. When you two got married you CHOSE to love him for the rest of your life. As hard as it is, do not fight back when he is being mean. Smile and serve him as honey gets more bees than vinegar!

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Hi Dianne,
It's clear to me about only one thing.....mamasource advice will not save your marriage. Just respecting your husband will not cure your marriage, neither will reading any of Dr. Laura's horrible books.
Absolutely go to a counselor. If he won't go, then go alone.

One red flag for me.....you said you talked to him about you not sleeping together? Is that his choice or yours? If it's his then I would strongly suspect that he is having an affair, which may account for his sorry treatment of you.

I hope and pray that it works out for you and your kids sake. If not, then please don't blame yourself for someone else's unhappiness. That's his choice.

I total agree and stand behind the love dare book! My husband and I have been through some major issues! We watched the movie fireproof together and that next day my husband started the love dare on me! It truly worked wonders in marriage, because we too were on our way to a divorce all because of some bad decisions we both let into our marriage! We also saw our pastor for some councilling which 6 months after our whole ordeal we still get together with him once a week! Learning new ways to build our relationship stronger! I'm extremely happy we went that extra step to work on our marriage because now I love him more then I ever have! So I STRONGLY suggest getting the book and try it on your hubby! It might not hurt to get a weekend away, just u 2 without kids! Lock yourseleves up and relearn each other! Good luck!

Sounds like you make most of the money to support the family! A lot of men have a really big problem with this. Not saying that thats ok but just trying to help. I would follow on the other advice and try to cut down your shedule so things are more equal. Maybe he feels like he is in the "stay-at-home-mom" position which is driving him crazy! Good Luck!

Try doing the "Love Dare" on him. I know they're doing the daily dare on K-Love but it's a great, encouraging way to show your spouse you care. Good luck and God bless!

If your budget allows you, purchase the 'Love Dare' book (it's like $8). This is from the movie 'Fire-proof'. It walks you through 40 days of marriage building activities (example Day 1: don't say anything negative to your spouse). If your husband sees that you are making a genuine effor to seek out his needs, maybe he will start to notice your needs. Pray that his heart will be changed. Good luck.

I would point blank ask him what's going on, what he wants, does he want a divorce, is there someone else. You need to know - he may not be honest at fist, but watch for the signs. I agree with another poster that there could be someone else for him. He's acting that way.
He may have some low esteem issues because you are working more than him. It could be that he needs to be around people more and he's not getting that. Winter blues? Maybe he wants to live alone so nobody can tell him what to do - but guess what? He'll have to step up and do all the work himself anyway. I understand your frustration Diane!

Dianne,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. When my husband gets mad at me - he just completely shuts off. He won't speak to me and if I ask him something - he will reply yes or no and that is it. I really dislike him when he does this and it hurts me very much. It can go on for weeks before he will finally tell me what is going on. I noticed that when he was let go from his job - he was very depressed and he hated himself - thus hating me - so I kind of know where you are coming from a little.

See if you can get someone to watch the girls for the weekend. Lock yourselves in the house. MAKE him talk to you. Ask him the questions you want to know. Are you having an affair? Do you think you might be depressed? Do you still love me? Do you want to try to make this marriage work? Whatever you want to know. He most likely will not answer or will try to blow you off - but at least he'll know what you are thinking is going on. Tell him that you still love him, that you want to make this work and that you would be willing to try to make things better, but that you don't know what to do because he won't talk to you. Tell him that no matter what the answers are - even if they are not good - it is better than not knowing what is going on. Something needs to give.

Good luck - hopefully you can find a way to get through to him and get him to open up.

It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression. He may have possibily sunk so far down into a hole that he doesn't see a way out. He hates his job, he feels like a loser because his wife has to support him and he does the housework!! See if you can get him to go into see his doctor for a check-up. Make the appointment and tell the receptionist what you suspect and the doctor can do routine blood tests and check for depression, bi-polar disorder etc. It maybe a little sneaky but often the one who is suffering can't ask for help because they don't know they need it or they feel that nothing can help.
Also what is his passion? What does he want to do? Why isn't he doing it. Encourage him to work at his passion and hopefully his moods will improve.

I would like to say that I am sorry that your relationship is in a bad place right now. I think the best advice is for you to continue counseling without him. This will help you process what is happening in a non-judgmental atmosphere, provide you with support, and help you decide what is best to do next. It sounds like there may be something else going on with this man. He is being very passive aggressive by blaming you when he is angry. It sounds like he may have some emotional maturity issues. Try to do your best to be pleasant and kind. Try and do something fun without talking about issues at all. This can help re-establish good feelings again. Don't try and hash things out until there is some stability back in the relationship. If this doesn't work, there is little you can do to change his mind. Please find a counselor you like and trust. It will help you the most. If he is going to leave, there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is try your best, and know that you did. Maybe ask the girls to help around the house a bit instead, if that is a friction point right now. Best of luck, please keep us updated.

I'm sorry your relationship has come to this; it sounds familiar to me. After my ex-husband was fired, again, we agreed that he get a PT job and take some time to deal with his mental/physical health, and do more around the house while I worked FT and was in grad school. He did less and less housework, and did not do a thing to work on his health, and was angry with me much of the time. We had been together 20 years, but I couldn't make this work or "fix" the problem by myself (tried counseling several times). I left him 3 years ago. Now we are great parenting partners to our 7 year-old daughter, he has gotten better medical and counseling help, and his finances are in order, the house (which he kept) isn't even too much of a disaster and he cooks and does laundry!!

Please get counseling for yourself. Take care and good luck.

Do you think that your husband is angry because he feels left out? it sounds like you are very busy outside the home with 2 jobs and college and the time that you spend together is probably with the your children. While you don't have an issue with his job of only 15 hours he is probably feeling bad that he is unable to care for his family, men have fragile ego's. If you want to save your marriage I would suggest that you cut something out for now especially since your children are so young. If he does leave there isn't anything you can do but be there for your children and give them a lot of love. Yes they will be crushed but life does go on. Living in a household where there is friction and arguements isn't a great life to live when you are a child. Involve your self with outside interests, your daughters are at the age for "Brownie's or camp fire girls". You can meet other parents that way also and build lasting relationships. You will find your way, it isn't easy being a single parent but there are alot of us out there and there are groups that will help you all cope with this situation. Best of Luck to you.