Spanking.... Not Sure What to Do????

Updated on March 30, 2010
C.C. asks from New Lenox, IL
5 answers

My son is 15 months old, and seemingly, entering his terrible twos. He asserts his independence and explores his world at every turn. This often jeopardizes his safety, or that of other children around him. I need to implement a discipline program that will WORK, that he can understand and I am okay with, so he can learn and be safe, and learn how to behave socially.

I have issues with spanking... I know it's not 'violent' but feel that physical restraint is not one of our highest virtues as people, and I worry that a correction that is physical will teach him that it is appropriate to use physical restraint against others. But he's only 15 months old... and try as I might, he doesn't understand me when I explain things to him.

He looks at me even as I say 'NO' and tries it anyway. He is curious, and I need to learn to correct him in a way I feel comfortable that will make sense to him. To top things off, he's throwing some serious temper tantrums of late-- flat on his back, screaming, and kicking! EVERYONE I know spanks. This is the only advice I have gotten, and have asked in many places... but I just don't like it. It's not my style... I guess.

I know he is also at the age where he mimics what he sees, and was horrified today, after I slapped his hands to stop him from pulling a cord out of the outlet to watch him sitting and slapping his own hands with all his might, and then taking out his frustration on the dog with more slaps to his nose.

Time outs seem to 'old' for him. He doesn't seem to understand and gets VERY frustrated, leading to a battle of wills that frustrates us both, and teaches him nothing but rejection. I'm a fan of loving guidance, and positive reinforcement, but I just don't know how to do it with a boy this young!

I would appreciate any advice you can give me! I know I need to be consistent for him to learn, but I need to figure out how to communicate the message to him in a way I am comfortable with. I won't take offense if you advice is to just 'get over it', which I am hearing a lot, but I want to hear some more opinions before I decide which path to choose.

Thank you!

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So What Happened?

Thanks for your help and support everyone. I laughed at the advice to say NO DANGER, because my son's middle name is Danger, and many people call him baby danger, so while that's a great idea, I may have to substitute a different word or he will think we're just calling him.

I've ordered a time out chair and am going to give it a try. I think the advice on discipline being hard on everyone, and not mattering how we go about it, it's still hard-- was the best advice yet. I realized my trepidation is with disciplining him and fearing he won't understand and have that hurt his self esteem. I've spoken with my husband, who relieved my fears, and we're moving forward with the time outs.

Thanks Again, Moms!

More Answers

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J.A.

answers from Chicago on

At his age, I would suggest a "naughty" chair. Or, a naughty rug, whatever. You shouldn't really make him stay there for too long, because then it just gets frustrating. A naughty chair worked for me, at that age, and some of my friends use a "naughty" mat, so it can go where they go. I would have to say, 2 minutes tops, so he understand that his behavior is wrong, but, it won't be so long, that he forgets why he was put there. The chair, or mat, or whatever is never toi be played with, or used for any other purpose then bad behavior. That way it is only a association with bad behavior.I hope perhaps, this is an idea that could help you, and help him to understand bad behavior. It is suppose to frustrate him somewhat. It is discipline, no one likes discipline. You don't reward bad behavior. This way, if he starts hitting the dog, or whoever, he goes back on the chair! If he gets off, you just put him back. It is hard, but, in the end it is what you strive for. A well behaved, respectful child. It takes time, but, what doesn't. You have to start with discipline now, because as he gets older, so will the problems get bigger. Nip it in the bud!!! Good Luck.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

C. - As a mother of 4 I feel your pain. I think your thoughts on spanking are exactly right. I have done it but it doesn't work. It just makes children angry and escalates the situation. One of my friends would yell NO DANGER in a dangerous situation. Sounds ridiculous but it startles them and gets associated with them being harmed. When explaining at 15 months the key is to be brief. It is hard but essential. For example just NO DANGER that could hurt you. Unfortunatley nothing works all the time without causing a tantrum. At 15 monthes redirection to something fun is probably best. And if he keeps going back a timeout to give you a minute is fine even if it makes him mad. Good Luck!

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

i agree with the previous post...a time out in a chair on a rug, but never out of sight. and only for a few minutes as toddlers don't have a great attention span! i tried this and thought it wasn't working, but to my avail after using this method continuously and being very consistent he finally got the point. it takes a while for them to really comprehend what is going on, but kids are very smart and adapt to their environment very well. you think they don't understand certain things but they really do. at that age my daughter was already potty trained and understanding shapes and colors. they will absorb whatever you teach them it just takes alot for a toddler to concentrate and get the real reason behind whats going on. good luck

p.s. with my son i used the time out method and when he did something that would potentially hurt him ie. playing with a cord or standing on a chair... i put him in time out and if he went right back to do it again then i would slap his hand because i felt this might get the point across quicker. but only when he did something that would hurt him or someone else, and only after the time out method didn't work and he did the same thing right after sitting in the chair

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N.M.

answers from Chicago on

I have tried spanking, but did not find it effective for my daughter. She would laugh at me, I think b/c I'm not willing to do it hard. The 2 exceptions were once she slapped me across the face and out of reflex I slapped back. We both cried and it has never happened again. One other time she bit me and I slapped her bare leg, it got her attention and she never did that again either. I have been doing time outs since she was about your son's age. The nanny 911 rule was 1 minute per year old they are, so we're now up to 3.5 minutes. Find a boring space and put him there. When it's over sit down eye to eye and explain why he got the time out. I've found that now I mostly just have to threaten the time out and she stops whatever I don't like. As for tantrums, I have NO tolerance for those. I used to pick her up and put her in her room and close the door until she was done (as much for her protection from me as my sanity). I would tell her before I closed the door she could come out when she was done crying in my calmest voice. Sometimes she would go 5-10 minutes, but eventually she would calm down and then we could talk about what was bothering her. I still do that if she gets going, but since she's bigger she has to walk herself up to her room. Good luck, I hope this is helpful. Most important, stay consistent. Do not let any infractions pass no matter where you are, or they pick up on that and will take advantage (stores, other peoples homes, etc.). I know it seems mean and you worry people will look at you funny, but I know if I see a mother actually disciplining (not beating or screaming like a crazed woman of course) a kid in public I'm grateful and proud for her. Oh, I should probably mention that we put her in time outs in her booster seat, took care of the wandering problem.

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