Splitting up with My Daughters Father-affects on Her?

I doubt she was ever homesick. At this young, home is where your mom and your blankie are.

What I WOULD suspect is that when you left you were sad and angry and hurt and confused and so she picked that up off of you. Small children are like mirrors of what's going on with us... because they pattern their reactions off of ours. (Ever see a kid fall, look to their mom before the react and then either wave and brush themselves off, or burst into tears? When they're hurt they just react, when they've gotten scared they look to us for how they should react. If it's no big deal to us, no biggie to them. If we've leapt half out of our chairs and have an OMG look on our face they freak out.)

At this age, will she understand why and what you're doing? No way on earth. She's not going to have a clue.

Your daughter may be naturally shy, or it may be learned shyness out of fear & insecurity because of the drama/danger/fear/anger at home. Parents fighting is TERRIFYING to small children. Heck, even as an adult if your parents have a massive argument in front of you it can be scary. But as a child you are their everything.

Either choice you make will be hard on both of you. If you leave, it will be scary for both of you (you for ALL the reasons in you mind and heart, and her plain and simple because you're scared). If you stay... well... be prepared to not only deal with ONE quasi-abusive alcoholic, but also a child who learns to react JUST like daddy. Ever notice how much an alcoholic's temper tantrums are like a toddlers, only much much worse? She'll pattern after him, and her temper tantrums will have ALL of the elements his does... right down to how she views YOU. It will be 10x the work of the normal terrible 2's or terrible 3's... because she'll be having the *best* example to follow and learn from. Wheeeeee. SO much fun.

I could go on for awhile, as I have a temper tantrum throwing alcoholic husband. Sober for a year, and his temper is worse than ever. LOVED it btw this spring when my son spent 2 hours sobbing his heart out in the garden because while playing CATCH with daddy, he threw too low, hit his father in the leg with the ball and so "daddy" exploded. Yelling, whining, throwing his mit and ball into the bbq so hard it knocked the lid off. Which infuriated my husband even more... so he kicked the entire BBQ over. Then stomped off into the house swearing. I almost choked him. I DID kick him out. ((BTW... my husband is clueless. He describes the incident as "getting a little frustrated, and spoke sharply". A**hole)). Ugh. I can't even think about it without almost breaking a tooth from clenching my jaw so hard.

You have no idea how badly I wish I had left him for good the first time I left when our son was 3. No idea. Over and over I weep at the phrase that "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one." No freakin lie.

Edited to Add: Childsupport and Custody are 2 totally separate things. A parent will *always* have to pay support, even if the courts say no contact, unless it's 50/50 custody. You're not paying to see your child, you are paying for your share of the cost of raising your child.

I totally disagree with Marci and I might add that there are TONS of research and studies out there that show exactly the opposite of what she believes is true. Reality is that there are different "schools of thought", or approaches, to the subject. Some are also faith-based and these are tipically the ones that push on keeping the family together no matter what (causing enormous damage). So I would certainly read around, research, educate myself on the subject but I would definitely remain VERY CRITICAL. It's your family, it's yours and your child's life, it's your environment, YOU ONLY KNOW what goes on. Since the decision to end a marriage when a child is involved IS NEVER EASY, I am sure you put lots of thought into it and followed your gut feeling to remove yourself (at least remporarily) and your child from a dysfunctional environment. I think you did GREAT, considering the (very natural) feelings of guilt that any mother would experience while making a decision like this. Truth is there are issues if you leave and there are issues if you stay. It's hard for me to imagine a 21 months old actually "feeling sad", at that age they are not that developed and rather than "feelings" (typical of adulthood) they experience more shallow emotions related to their physical well-being (angry= tired, hungry, frustrated, hurt) and to the deep-rooted needs (looking "sad" as you describe = avoiding loneliness, feeling safe), so I would not worry about her feeling really homesick like an older child would. You might be projecting on her your own feelings of sadness, have you thought of that? You mentioned you were forced to leave your home other times before AND that home has not always felt like a happy, safe, serene place for her (and you)...it may be that your girl has started suffering early on because of that; it would explain, for example, why you describe her as "shy". The tantrums are normal at her age (and will last up at least 3 y.o. unfortunately!), try to pint-point what triggers them (tired? bored? scared?) and when they explode, let her steam out for few minutes and go back to hold her when she lets you. Reassure her with a tight hug, when she is a bit older you'll also be able to explain things (she can't fully understand now) and it will get better. For the custody, you totally need to ask a lawyer. I also say collect evidence of his abusive behavior and his alcohol related problem. That helps in court: who would want to let a child grow up in an abusive, alcoholic, scarring place like your home is now? Remove your child and let yourself decide how to handle her time with her "father" as you go. You can't expect to have everything clear in the midst of everything and you need to allow yourself some time to decide other important things that will come later, depending also by your soon-to-be ex behavior. Sometimes with separation things get better, sometimes they dont. In the meantime I think you are doing a great job providing for yourself and your child an emotionally stable place. You are a great Mom for this. You go , girl.

The tantrums could be part of a separation anxiety, but if you or your child is in danger, then you shouldn't be in that situation. I'm so sorry for you. This is a heartbreaking story. Will pray for you, your child and her father.

My heart goes out to you and the baby. I looked into this when I was considering divorce. Why can't you stay at the home? This is one of the first things that I read was that you shouldn't move the child from their area of comfort. Have you filed for divorce? You need to do that first. Children need stability and love and to feel safe. If there is some reason why you have to move out of YOUR house then just make sure that when you do, you make it a point to have a set schedule and continue to do things you used to do. I wish you all the best. I applaud you for being brave enough to get away from the situation. Fighting and name calling can have such a negative effect on children..making them insecure and scared. I also want to say for the poster who said that you should stay and not get a divorce..has never lived with an abusive alcholic. Trust me, the harm an abusive alcoholic can do..is extremely scary, sad and destructive...NO EXCEPTIONS!

I am confused as to why you are your daughter are the ones being uprooted and having to leave the home. If he was a decent man he wouldn't put you all through that. Separation is hard enough, but now your daughter has to lose her home because her parent's can't get along?

You need to move back home and kick your husband out so your daughter can have her home back.

I suspect that the tantrums and crying are a result of the unstable atmosphere she has been in. It will take some time, but I think that once her home life is quiet and stable, she will calm down too. She is too young to understand the fighting between you and her father and I am sure it is very upsetting to her. Even if she did understand it, it would not be an acceptable environment for her to live in. Your decision to move to your parents is a good one. She will overcome her anxiety when she realizes that she is now in a "safe" place. Kudos to you for making the decision to remove her from this situation. It is not healthy for her, or you, for that matter.

Good luck to both of you!! Hang in there. It will get better now.

First, you are doing the right thing. Next, if there's any chance at all that your daughter would be harmed by being with her father, you absolutely have to NOT ALLOW him to be alone with her. You need to get a restraining order, and keep him from your daughter.
Your other concerns, all of them, come in at a far, far distant second place compared to her physical safety.
That said, those concerns are real and valid. You are taking on so much at once, however. Just take a deep breath and hold down your thinking from going so far all at once.
Take it one step at a time.
Always remember that the most important thing right now, even though your daughter does not understand what's going on, is to get her (and you!!!) away from this man who has a temper, is an alcoholic and has abused you.
This is the right move, and you are a very good mom!
Protect your daughter from being alone with him. Get police involved, get a court order - if that route doesn't work, go to social services in your county and tell them what is going on. There's a big movement in this country for preventative measures. Tell someone with authority that you are concerned about the safety of yourself and your daughter. There's help out there.
If it doesn't work being at your parent's home, check to see if there's an emergency women's shelter. Go get help.
Your little baby is probably sensing a lot of the stress and issues that are going on in and around her right now. Once you are in a safer place, she'll feel more settled. You need to get her out. You need to get out. Do it now. Don't back down. Get help. Go to social services today and tell them what's happening - there are people and programs to help.
Your daughter's life is at stake. And, so is your's. That is all that matters.

According to child psychologists, not according to random internet moms, but professors who have studied divorce and its impact on kids - yes, this will harshly affect your baby for the rest of her life. I am not saying that you should put up with an alcoholic, but it is just true that this will be very hard on her. Kids learn how to deal with stress from their moms, so she is going to pick up from you how you cope and will most likely copy your coping styles, healthy or not. All little kids are forever affected by divorce. The main effects are that she will not feel quite like she belongs with you or her dad, and the younger kids are, the more they will blame themselves and not tell you how they really feel. Kids tend to not want to add to their parent's problems so they lie and tell their parents that they are okay.
The fighting in front of her, though not good, according to research is not nearly as devastating to a child as separation/divorce. Lots of people have divorced because they think that fighting is toxic to kids, and actually it is far worse to divorce. Now if your husband is dangerous, of course you have to separate, but can you see if he will go for AA and maybe in the long run, after a long time of him going to AA meetings, you could reconcile with him? That would be the ideal.
And so you don't think I am a jerk, I was ready to divorce my husband myself, until I took Child Development in grad school, studied divorce, and vowed to NEVER do that to my kids. I am still married and our marriage is okay, not great, not happy, but stable. That is what is best for all. However, my husband is not an alcoholic. Can you tell your husband that you would love to be married to him sober? And see if he will do AA?
To clarify, I never said that I thought you should stay with an alcoholic. I know that living with one is damaging to you and your daughter. I am suggesting that you see if after he has gone to AA for a couple of years, you consider reconciling with him.

My granddaughter is a little older than your daughter when her parents split up. She was 3. She started thinking it was her fault, that they fought because she made messes and didn't pick up her toys. She thought her daddy didn't love her anymore because he didn't live there anymore. She also would tell me "My mommy and daddy fight all the time, I don't know why they do that". Her behavior went downhill for a while until we were able to give her the words to explain her feelings and reassure her that mommy and daddy both love her very much and that nothing she could do, no matter what messes and how many toys are left out, they would always love her. She pointed out that they would get mad at her over the messes and toys out so I explained that it is a mommy and daddy's job to make sure children know how to pick up their toys and clean up their messes so they can be responsible when they get big. My son, her daddy, was killed in a car accident 6 months after they split up and she had a whole new set of problems to work through. One thing that helps her is that she has me to listen to her concerns, no matter how silly or off the wall they seem to us, they are real to her. One was if daddy was in Heaven, what would happen if he or one of the other angels got to close to the clouds edge and would fall off on top of her. I just explained that they have wings and remember they don't have a body. She knows about the soul and body when I explained what she would see at the viewing.
If your daughter can speak well, encourage her to talk about her feelings when she gets to starting her tantrums. They are just a tool children use to get their frustrations out. When she is starting to lose it gather her in your arms and rock her and tell her you know she is sad, disappointed, heartbroken, scared... whatever the feeling she could be feeling. Reassure her that it is ok to feel that way and that sometimes you feel that way too, but everything will be ok. Her age will be a plus because she will learn the new normal faster then if she was older. A big problem with your past leavings is that she thinks if she acts sad, cries, throws a lot of tantrums she will get you to move back home because it worked before. She will probably throw more and more but you can't move back unless you plan on staying there forever. I always told my husband if we split it would be permanant because I wouldn't yo yo the kids like that. I also made sure that I didn't jump into leaving unless I knew it was the right thing to do. It got us through some rough spots and we are still together after 28 years... but he isn't abusive and with that you need to make sure you are out for your daughters sake... unless he will get counceling and get those things worked through and fixed.

Good luck

I would guess that part of the reason your daughter is so shy is because she is living with an alcoholic verbally and emotionally abusive man. Hoepfully she will learn to trust others when you get out of the relationship.

I don't know the laws in Iowa but I recommend that you call a domestic violence shelter or hotline and ask for advice. They can usually advise you on your rights and the current custody/visititation laws. They may also be albe to recommend an attorney. He should have to pay child support and you may be able to get a restraining order.

Your daughter will adapt to a new home and a new life without violence and hopefully come out of her shell.

I also recommend counseling for you to get to the root of the reason why you allow abusive men into your life and how to break the cycle. This is not easy and often involves digging deep into yourself. But it is so worth it.

Good luck to you and if you need any help PM me and I will do what I can.

If you are concerned about the well being of you & your daughter it may be best to leave. At her age your daughter is too young to realized what is really going on as far as you leaving her daddy. My SIL is going thru a divorce. Her kids were 3yo & 1yo when they first split up. The 1yo just kind of went w/the flow, but the 3yo, being a little more older and more "aware" of what was going on, had terrible tantrums. He's better now (divorce still not finalized after 2yrs). It may seem like "homesick" for first few days. But if you keep to her schedule/routine she should start to feel more safe/at ease. Her shyness and tantrums may actually be a reaction of watching/hearing you guys fight, and "learning" how you two react/handle that situation. Kind of like "ok, this is how my parents act so I guess that's what I'm supposed to do too." Monkey see, monkey do. I think that if she is in a more positive, calm environment she may actually come out of her shell. How often is she around your parents? Do you have a good positive relationship w/your parents when you are there or is it more fighting/arguing about what you are going to do about your relationship w/her daddy? As far as custody talk to a lawyer about his abusiveness & alcoholism. Has the father talked about fighting you on the custody issue? He may not be able to get custody if he has certain behavioral issues. Good Luck and hope everything works out for you & your daughter.

Well first of all why is HE getting the home? If he truly cares about his daughter then you should explain how you feel and if he's half a decent human being he'll find some way for you two to keep the home and him remove himself.

Second of all most states if they don't grant joint custody (which is sometimes the case) but more than likely you will get custody and he'll get the child not very often or partial custody with child support. Most of my friends the father gets the children every other weekend from Friday evening till Sunday afternoon. But a man getting custody is actually still rare. Unless you are proved to be negligent, a druggie, alcoholic or something horrendous I wouldn't worry too much about that. For that matter out of all my friends that are divorced and I'm nearly 30 not a single dad has primary custody. That should show you something.

So I'd tell him to get his bottom out for your daughters sake.

First I am going to say wow to some of the answers you have gotten because if I was in your shoes I would have moved on a long time ago . It is not good for you or your daughter . I am sure you love him and you have been told every child needs both parents and they do but life is not always a happy ending . As a child of divorce it is hard but it is not like our life can not be normal like one other lady said . You need to do what is best for you and your daughter . Have you ever thought mabey she is shy because of all the problems you and her dad have the fighting and the yelling scares her . I could go on and on but do what is best for you and your daughter. I think it is best you take time away and see were it takes you mabey he will change but being together is not working at this time . And your daughter being scared at your parents she will be fine it is just a different place to be have your parents show her she is safe and no one is going to yell and fight there . Every one just needs to relax . And yes little ones have feelings they can be sad and all the emotions . It is going to be hard but over time it will be the best for you and her . Do not stay in a relationship you are scared in and not happy to be in . What kind of life is that like one other lady said she is in a not so happy marriage how sad is that .If you are not happy find some were you are going to be happy .