Stepford Mom Neighbor

No good advice, I'm afraid. I would just say that I am probably a lot like that mom. I have a really hard time engaging in small talk. My nightmare is all the neighbors out talking and me walking up and having to make conversation. However, I would actually do much better one-on-one. I only say this to help you consider she might be horribly shy and not truly aloof. Keep being nice, and saying hello, and maybe she will warm up. But don't assume the worst about her. Keep modelling friendly behavior for the kids. You probably won't be best friends, or the ice might melt. You never know.

There may be something else going on. Some women that are abused or have controlling husbands don't get involved with neighbors or anyone else. I knew a woman when my son was growing up that wouldn't talk or make eye contact and we found out years later she was abused and scared others would find out. Just smile and be there if she changes her mind. Don't be too quick to judge. :)

Man, you could be describing me. I hope I don't come off like that though because what's going through me when I run into people outside is pretty much tantamount to pure terror. I have a very difficult time making "small talk". I feel awkward and stupid around strangers. I tend to "shy" up, blush terribly bad, make excuses about why I have to get back into my house and then sigh with relief when I'm behind my door.

I overcome my debilitating issues for my daughter, smile and bear it but if I don't HAVE to I will do my gosh darnedest to wiggle out of most invitations. The only thing that's different between me and your description of your neighbor is the sence of humor. I will nervous giggle at EVERYTHING you say. I can hear myself doing it and want to slit my own throat the whole time. What's truly sad is many times I'll be trapped in a conversation with someone with my husband sitting right next to me and as soon as it ends and the person leaves and shaking, a tear slides down my cheek and I ask him, "Why didn't you RESCUE ME? Why didn't you say something about having to be somewhere so we could get up and leave?" He'll look at me completely confused and say, "I honestly thought you were enjoying yourself. I had no idea you wanted out of that."

So apparently I've become good enough at hiding my trembling dysfunction that I'm able to fool even my husband. It really is messed up and sometimes I hate myself for not being able to "mingle" but I am who I am and I've come to accept it. 33 and just slightly broken. More comfortable behind a keyboard than face to face with a child just about to enter the school system. I'm terrified of school almost to the point where I considered home schooling but I knew that would be an act of selfishness just so I could avoid dealing with school all over again.

So I guess the reason I wrote was to give you some perspective on the other side. It could be that she doesn't dislike you and she isn't being a snob. It could be that her heart is beating two million miles per second and she doesn't know how to respond to you without falling on her face so she's stopped really trying.

If they are not answering their phone or door, maybe your son is going there too much as they see it. Ask the mom if she has times that she would rather not have him come over and what times are ok.

Let the kids keep playing exactly the way they are and stop trying to reach out to her. She really doesn't want to interact, but it also sounds like she isn't keeping her son locked away.

As your children get older, your son will realize that the friendship is not reciprocated and may back away and gravitate towards school friends.

Just out of curiosity... what makes you think she's a Stepford wife? She just sounds either rude or painfully shy to me! Not overtly perfect, but robotic!

Do what you continue doing, keep it a playdate scheduling relationship only and don't worry about needing to do any kind of chit chat. Some people have anxiety, are socially awkward, extremely shy, don't know how to small talk, don't like chatting...

i agree that this isnt an issue and keep doing what your doing...eventually the kids will knock for eachother and play on their own if they both enjoy it and then you wont have to iinteract

Continue to do what your're doing and be nice. There could be underlying issues as some of the other posts said. Also, when you do speak to her make sure you know from her what is acceptable. Could he be playing with the neighbor too much and going over there at odd times?

Your neighbor has demonstrated that she does not want to be friends with you. As long as you feel your son is safe when he plays with her kids, just let him play. I would suggest that they alternate houses.

Some people are just loaners, doesn't make them bad.

Blessings....

I, too, am one of the painfully shy people. A therapist once told me she thought I had a social anxiety disorder. It's not that I can't make friends or am an unfriendly person, per se. It's just that much harder for someone like me to chit-chat, particularly with people that I don't know all that well (such as neighbors). Answering the phone or making phone calls is insanely difficult for me. I get nervous, my heart pounds, I try so hard to say the right things that don't sound stupid. It's a big ordeal!

Believe me, your relationship with her is not one-sided! Your kindness does not go unnoticed. As you continue to be nice and open, she will eventually open up (if she's anything like me). But please don't judge her because if she senses that she's being judged, she will close right back up (again, if she's anything like me). If she senses that you're only talking to her just to "be nice" and not because you actually want to be there, she's not going to open up. It is very hard for people like me to make friends (mostly because I assume that people just small-talk with me out of obligation, rather than an actual desire to talk to me), but once we do, we are very loyal!

I know it's just an example, but quite frankly, I'd like to be the kind of wife that dresses up for her husband (as opposed to the yoga pants I'm usually in)! It's like getting ready for a night on the town, but just for your husband. It doesn't mean HE demands it...maybe it's something she really enjoys doing because she sits at home all day with her kids just playing, cooking, cleaning, laundering, getting grungy and just wants to feel pretty for few minutes with her man. Nothing wrong with that (unless he's a royal a**).

Keep trying. She may be wishing for a neighborly friendship as much as you...it's just 800 times harder for her.

I'm not "neighborly"...I am outgoing fun, talkative, and love making new friends. BUT, I don't want to be buddies with my neighbors. My husband loves it. He talks to them all the time. I avoid, avoid, avoid! I don't like the wife, she's "different", we have nothing in common. She sounds like my neighbor...and I'm so glad I don't have to talk to her.

If on occasion we "go over" for dinner, I am in and out. It's obvious that I don't want to be there. Maybe she's not into being neighborly.

I would love not feel forced. So don't...ask her what times your son can play and only have him go over during those times. Don't worry about being "friends". Can you email, txt, instead?

The next time you talk to her, tell her that your son loves playing w her kids and how she would prefer how they get together - would she rather you call? Him call? Knock on the door unannounced? Drive him down and honk the horn? Not call at all? Let her decide and go from there.

She may say "I'll call you" and then never does. If that is the case then invite other friends over for your son.

You may need to just sit odwn w/your son and explain to him that as much as you try, its hard to get a hold of them so he's going to have to play on his own or play w/someone else.

You have to look at it from the flip side too...your son might have acted a certain way or did something which turned her off, and that might explain her unenthusiasm.

Some people are just set in their ways when it comes to friendship. Meaning, they project something like, "I have x friends and I'm good, thank you." People also sometimes just don't "click." I use that word a lot, but it's the best way someone once used in describing why people become friends.

Remember, you don't have to be friends with her in order for the kids to hang out. I wish there were more kids for your kids to play with so it wasn't an issue.

ETA: Sometimes adult friendships in neighborhoods can backfire. I've witnessed it. So maybe this is a blessing.

She could be shy, or have other things on her mind. You have no idea what a person is going through on the inside- she may have just lost someone she loves, have stress from an unknown situation, or even be battling an invisible illness.
I would keep making an effort to bring the boys together, but not to be overly friendly w/he, or even ask her pointedly for a standing weekly playdate for the boys to loosen the tension of constantly calling/knocking.

I agree - she could be painfully shy or just socially awkward. Are your husbands friendly? That might be a source of some clues to how to interact.

It is really great for your child to have a neighborhood buddy so keep trying. You may also just ask her - my son really enjoys hanging out with your son. Please tell me how you'd like to manage the time they spend together. Are you ok with him with ringing your bell to see if your son can play? Would you prefer I send you a quick text or e-mail so we are not disturbing you with the door bell or a phone call. etc.

I understand how boring sharing a play date with the mom who doesn't talk would be. Perhaps you could listen to music or even thumb through a magazine while you supervise.

Also perhaps you would feel comfortable letting the boys play together without having the mom involved. Perhaps set up a semi-permanent day and time for the neighbor boy to come to your house to play.

It's a bummer to not enjoy the company of your child's friends but I"d stop trying to make it happen. Accept the situation the way it is and find ways for you to enjoy your time while the boys play.

I'd maybe make one more attempt at "friendship"... find something to do for a girls' night out - a special event or chic flick at the theater or something and invite her.

I am going thought the same thing but I have 5 neighbors like this. I used to think something was wrong with me or my child but these women are intentionally mean and snobby and I have found other friends for my children to play with. I still think it is sad they live so close and go to school but the turth is they have tons of other great friends and I stick to them and their kind and compassionate mothers.
I used to think they made me feel lonely but you just have to say the truth to yourself? Do you really ahve no friends? Are you lonely? Are your kids? Well when you answer them truthfully you will see you are not alone and have tons of nice, caring and compassionate friends who love your kids! Kiill em with kindness and let go and let God lead.