Still Missing Something

Okay, first of all, why are you talking about something that won't happen for another year or two? In kid years, that's like a century. You are just setting yourself up for months of unnecessary stress, for both you, and her.
Secondly, she puts her hand over your mouth and tells you to stop talking?
I'm sorry, but that is NOT normal 7 year old behavior.
Something is "off" either with her, or how you discipline her.
How is she at school, and with other authority figures?
Lack of physical/emotional contact, inability/refusal to take responsibilities for her actions (breaking another child's toy.) Sorry mom, these are warning signs.
Please get her evaluated. Even if nothing is technically "wrong" with her it's clear you need some guidance in supporting and helping improve her behavior.

She sounds like she is overwhelmed by emotion. She gets her strength from the inside not the outside. You can tell she is nervous but to talk about it just amplifies her fear, not takes it away. Sometimes I am like that till I can't keep it inside anymore. She may be strong but at anytime she could burst into tears if it's too much.
Bless your heart, you are going to have to be sneaky to get her to open up.
Never face to face. Side by side doing something, she might let it out. Driving somewhere is a good option, also.
Don't let her get away with things like breaking the doll though. And not the demanding part either. She doesn't get to order you around. She does get to process emotions in her own way. If it still concerns you, take her to a counselor her doctor recommends for children who require big procedures like surgery. Maybe they can help you parent this unique child.

It sounds like she doesn't want to talk about it, so don't talk about it. Just do something with her that you and she enjoy doing, and don't discuss the doctor visit. She is the type of person that doesn't like to over-discuss things, and that's fine.

She sounds very sensitive, and in response to what Mamazita said, I don't necessarily think that her putting her hand over your mouth to stop you from talking is all that terrible. It's possible that you OVER explain things, and that's why she feels the need to stop you from talking.

With a kid like her, less is more. If you need to tell her about not breaking a doll, do it in one sentence. Two max. Don't go on and on -- she's too sensitive to hear all that. The idea can be gotten across in one or two sentences.

First, please stop talking to her about the "procedure" or "surgery" until it's actually scheduled and she can see it on the calendar within a month's time or less. She's far too young for you to be discussing it with her this far in advance because it's too vague and stressful for her.

Secondly, if she's shy then no amount of explaining or convincing or talking at her is going to change her. You can encourage politeness, but you can't force a shy child to stop being shy. Shyness is not a fault of hers. It's a personality trait. You may not be shy and therefore don't understand her hesitation in speaking to certain people in certain situations. You don't understand why some people "feel" more comfortable to speak to than others.

Thirdly, it sounds like you're trying to make her be more physically affectionate towards you and others when you explain the whole sitting on the lap thing. Some people are simply not touchy-feely. And for real, she doesn't need to be constantly told how her physical affection and touch makes other people feel. That's teaching her to ignore her own instincts and feelings, which should never ever happen. "You should hug/kiss/sit on so-and-so's lap because it makes THEM feel good." Nope, sorry. BAD idea.

And when you ask her, "What do others do that make you feel loved" is such a confusing question for a child. You're her mom. She should just be able to trust that you love her unconditionally without you even doing anything.

I'll be honest here... it sounds like it's less about what you want for your daughter and more about you needing her to reciprocate physical and verbal affection for your needs. Except the way she communicates isn't the same as yours. She's being overwhelmed. She's getting too much information and a lot of information she simply doesn't need and doesn't know what to do with. Children do much better with just the basics.

I do have an autistic daughter, and I can't over-explain things to her. She shies away from physical affection and conversations. She doesn't like having attention being drawn to her, especially when she's done something wrong. She's not a talker, but she can talk. She likes some people better than others. I can't help but think that even without her Autism, she would still be a shy girl. I understand those feelings because I was shy too.

My suggestion is to try family counseling and get some parenting classes. Since you did bring up Autism, ask a Pediatric Neurologist or Child Psychiatrist to give her a neuro-psychological examination.

I like the idea of a message journal.

I also very, very strongly agree with BeenThere. Many years ago, one child in my care had had surgeries at a young age and had a lot of behavioral issues, different from your daughter's,but you could tell that it wasn't really a parenting issue. (His sister, who was younger and didn't have any surgeries, was way more mature.) It was extremely difficult to connect with him, to say the least.

When I first read your post, my immediate thought was "find a play therapist who works with kids who have had this sort of unique experience". You may be able to find someone who could come to your home, which would also reduce the 'clinical' aspect which your daughter is hating.

And I do agree with Mamazita--only give her this information about upcoming appointments and surgeries within a very short time before actually going or starting consultations. Keeping kids in the present--and letting them enjoy it--is a valuable gift. I know some parents feel their kids need forever to process change; my observation is that this is really often more about the parent's perception--those kids tend to get pretty anxious while waiting for those events or transitions to happen. It's good that you aren't questioning her as to whether or not she's worried--that also triggers anxiety and anger. And do find a counselor or play therapist. Poor kiddo and poor you, too.:)

My grandson has Asperger's which is on the Autism Spectrum. Your daughter has many of the symptoms of autism or possibly sensory processing disorder. I urge you to talk with her pediatrician about those possibilities. The lack of connection combined with other behavior could also indicate a bonding issue. It's wise to figure this out as soon as possible and before she reaches the teen years.

How is she doing in school? Does she get along with the other children and connect with the teacher? Is she keeping up with her work? If she's having some difficulty in school you may be able to have her tested thru the school district. You would call the district office and ask for the number for the office that does evaluations and provides treatment when needed.

As someone else mentioned it's also possible she's suffering from Post traumatic Stress Disorder. A play therapist could help with that and possible assess the possibility of other difficulties.

My grandson talks non-stop and gives fantastic hugs to family and friends. He has difficulty with new people, too. Autism spectrum disorders behavior varies widely. I really would check that out.

maybe try a journal between the two of you.........Tell her that everyday you will write a message or two back and forth. Keep it light at first and see where it goes.

Wow, she is seven, only deal with things in the moment. There's no need to "talk" about things months in advance, just give her a week or so heads up.
And if she gets in trouble, again, no need to have a big conversation, just say you did X so your punishment/consequence is Z, she'll learn and get it eventually.
I also HATE to *talk* things out, my husband says I must have a lot of testosterone because I deal with things like a man lol!!!

I totally agree with Hazel and Rosemud's assessment. A play therapist is an excellent idea. And don't burden her with more surgery talk until it's absolutely necessary.

You do need help with her. It seems that she has some form of PTSD and dealing with this on your own is too hard. Get some support.

Good luck!
Dawn

She does not like the extra attention drawn to her, that is why she pushes you away. Secondly, she is worried about the procedure but talking about it makes her more upset. Give it a rest and then on the day of, you encourage and calm her fears.

She is actually probably quite comfortable not wanting to talk to people, but you are right in just encouraging her to be polite.

When she is interested in something, that is when you take hold of the moment and love or hug on her. In otherwords, her beat not yours. You will find it is more productive that way.

Other than that I think it is normal 7yr old behavior and her trying to fit into her own identity.

It sounds like you and she have fundamentally different personality types.

You sound like an extrovert, and like someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. The impression I get from your post is that the last thing in the world you'd ever want is to keep your feelings bottled up inside. You sound expressive, and that's a wonderful thing.

And, it also sounds like you're the mom of an introvert. Your daughter sounds like someone who processes things internally. I don't know what it's like for her, but for me, being compelled to talk about my feelings feels almost violent -- like I'm being forced to take what's most personal and private and sensitive and reveal it for the world to see. I'm also very uncomfortable with physical contact when I'm not happy. I'll hug and all that when I'm in a good mood, not when I'm not. This is every bit as wonderful of a way to be.

So, maybe the best way to help your daughter is to be present, to be receptive, but not assume she needs help. If she seems nervous, okay fine, she's processing her nervousness. Physical contact, talking it out, will probably just make things worse.

In terms of talking to other people, you might just help her make a distinction between her internal feelings and external expression, say things like, "You don't have to like people or talk to them for a long time, but it's important to be polite, so just quickly say hi." As a shy mom of a shy son, this is what I've done, and unless people are super-overbearing, it usually works well.

ETA: Reading this, I fear I may have been too harsh or something. You do sound like you understand your daughter's fundamental personality type and like you're invested in giving her the space to be who she is. I just want to encourage you even more in this direction, and to urge you to recognize that she may never, ever want to talk about her feelings, and that that's fine. But you do sound like a loving, tuned-in mom.

I have not read the other posts, so I apologize if this is similar. Our children were (and still are sometimes) quiet around others & wouldn't respond if an adult talked to them. We had many talks about being polite and responding...even asking the other person about their day or how they are doing. It didn't work, so we ended up saying "that's one", which means that was one toy that they would have to get rid of from their rooms. Sometimes we got to "that's two", but I don't think we ever got to "that's three." They sometimes still aren't comfortable responding, but they've matured a lot in this area. Just last week, a friend was talking to my husband about his niece & nephew not responding to any attempt to talk or play with them. He said, "Their not like your kids. I could talk to your kids all day!" :)
As for her upcoming appt -- she's totally nervous. I don't think she has the ability to express how she feels. She probably doesn't know how she's feeling. I completely agree with you that you should tell her a little about what is likely coming up. This will/does affect her...as it does adults that are facing surgical appointments. I think you can give her some special attention leading up to her appointment, and be sure to ask the doctor how to help her get through this emotionally. Just reassure her that you love her and will be there for her.
Sounds like you're a good Mom. Keep it up! :)