Stressed Out About Bills, Marriage and Everything in Between

Listen to Skidsdad's advice. It is very helpful to have the man's perspective and have a man tell you how to handle a man. I believe we women tend to complain more than give direction.

It truly sounds like your hubby needs to grow-up! My ex was similar to this and it did end up ruining our marriage. I would get home in the morning from a 12 hour night shift to face a statement like "take that f'ing baby downstairs, I'm trying to sleep!" The dishes were always piled up, the kids were always still in their pajamas and soaked diapers when my shifts were during the day and I was getting home in the evening. The list goes on. He lost seven jobs in one year because of his attitude problems. He complained about being home with the kids in between and would shoot out the door as soon as I got home to go drinking with his friends, the dirty laundry was piled up into a mountain in the laundry room. etc.. I ended up doing all of the providing AND all of the housework and child work when I got home from work. He was basically no more than a really inferior live in babysitter.

I understand how frustrated you are. It's a tough situation for sure. Your hubby sounds like he's completely unable to cope with the kids. Maybe he's gaining a little appreciation for the work you were doing before, because you were not only watching your own kids, but were babysitting as well and you kept the house clean and orderly, the children fed and well-behaved and some income coming in on top of it without government benefits.

As far as your husband goes, you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Maybe he'll be more open-minded than my ex. He should if he loves you. My ex's problem was that he doesn't love anyone but himself. You need to work out a schedule for his days with the kids with him that is clear and consistent, also work out a menu. Men do better when they have specific instructions, especially when it comes to caring for children. They are just linear thinkers. Let your husband know how you're feeling and let him know that this is effecting how you feel about him as well. You're starting to fall out of love with him because of his behavior.

Also, make it clear that you feel he should take whatever job he is offered, because it's SOMETHING while he's looking for the job he WANTS! Men can be such babies about this sometimes. WHO CARES if he WANTS the job, he has responsibilities and he HAS to find SOMETHING. You can also think about setting up a full-time childcare in your home. If you get certified an inspected, you can command a higher amount from the parents that are using your service. It depends on your state, but you could have as many as 4 or 5 kids (as long as they're not infants) at about $150/week each (at least, many daycares are more expensive than that). That obviously works out to $600 to $750 a WEEK in income for you. That should help A LOT because then you're still able to be home with your kids and you're able to get your sleep at night, but at the same time you're earning a respectable income. Your hubby can get whatever job he can in the meantime and maybe work on acquiring some education or skills in a different field so he'll have more options down the road. Or he could work with you and you two could set up a family business out of child-care. That way you could take in more children and could be together and sharing the burdens so no one feels taken advantage of. You could "mentor" him in child-rearing if he's open to learning it.

Anyways, If you are dedicated to saving your marriage, this is one way to go about it. I personally don't think that most men do well staying at home with the children. It makes them feel emasculated and then they are grouchy all of the time and start getting agressive because they feel like they have to prove their manhood. It's just an unhealthy situation most of the time. It works for some open-minded and practical couples, but not for most. He needs to either be earning some money outside of the home, or working with you on a business inside of the home. Either way, he needs to be providing for his family.

Dyreka K. gave you a really good answer.

In our house it wasn't my check or my wife's check. It was OUR money/checks. Tell your husband you love him and want him to be the MAN in the family. You want to be his loving wife. Right now when he doesn't have a job, that means he does the WORK in the home instead of outside the home. Then write down what you need him to do.

Example: All dishes washed by 5:00 pm (put 6 drops of soap in hot water. rinse them off in hot water and put them in the rack to dry. [if he needs instructions]). Put them away when dry.
Diapers changed if they are wet or soiled. Check every hour.
Give the kids 1/2 bowl of cereal (or what ever. He may be giving them adult sized portions.)
If you want him to have a hot dinner for you when you get home. Tell him.
Etc. (you get the picture.)

If I was on unemployment, I'd not take a job that would pay less than unemployment either. BUT if I was only being offered part time jobs and the part time jobs added up to less than unemployment, I'd take more than one part time job to make up the difference.

If you see a trend when he sends you text messages about the kids, explain what needs to be done in detail when you get home. My wife is a tremendously better mother than I am. But I listen to instructions and can take guidence rather well. (Guidence is not orders. Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice. Be nice.)

I was far more strict about nap time for our kids than was my wife. I learned not to give my kids anything sugary before I wanted them to take a nap. I learned to feed them good, solid, stick-with-you foods, then have vigorous play time, and read them a story, before nap time. Nap time was much more effective then.

Last but maybe most important, learn to drive. Take an adult drivers education course and get your license. It will open up a whole new world for you. You said you have some fears about driving. I have a fear of heights. (Vastly understated!!) When I was in the US Army I was selected to go to airborne school. I learned to become a paratrooper. I'm still afraid of heights, but I learned to control that fear. That being said, I must add that there is no feeling quite like exiting an aircraft at 140 mph, flying at 1200 feet and knowing there is nothing between you and the ground, but the soles of your shoes. Learn to control your fear. The best paying jobs are not usually with in walking distance of home.

Good luck to you and yours.

First of all I'm really sorry to hear about all of this and I pray your situation get's better. That being said I really feel like you and your husband need to be more of a partership, I know all of this can put huge strains on your marriage but you both need to sit down and talk and express what you need from one another and work together. The grass isen't always greener on the other side if your complaining now that he isen't helping pay his share of the bill what do you think your going to be paying if you leave with 2 kids??

My first words to you are RESIST THE URGE TO PANIC.

Now let's see if we can deal with the issues I think I'm hearing one at a time.

YOUR JOB:
I strongly suggest you switch to something that is hourly so you can at at least have one stable, consistent thing to rely on - YOUR PAY CHECK. Even if a graveyard thing has to happen, that would be good because it would allow you to get things settled at home with the kids before you head off to work. Also, you are accessible during the day to fill in your husband's GAPS in parenting. Knowing your kids are taken care of financially, and otherwise will remove much of your current stress.

YOUR MARRIAGE:
First of all I want to you place yourself in a mental VACUUM and make a truthful evaluation of how feel you about your husband. So, by mental vacuum I mean, pretend for the next 15 to 20 minutes that the following were true:
- he is fully employed
- your bills are being paid timely
- you are at home caring for your kids

In other words, with all the current outside stress on your relationship removed, ask yourself: HOW DO I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY HUSBAND? Do I feel love for him. Does he have qualities I'd rather not be without? Is he attractive? Do I want to have sex with him? Do I feel like he loves me? What kind of father (emotionally) is he to our kids?

I ask you to consider him in this VACUUM, because all the issues you have right now will at some point be gone. I want you to remember that, and find out what you really feel for him before you consider a divorce. You marriage is in one of what may be many WORSE (as opposed to the BETTER) phases that wedding vows speak about. It's important to view the big picture, and the well being of your whole family. Again, DON'T PANIC and do something you might regret. At a minimum wait until the smoke clears so you can make an honest assessment of things.

YOUR HUSBAND:
In the course of a marriage we will have many different spouses. For example, all of the sudden when my two boys turned 9 and 11 and got heavy into sports, I was marriage to "SPORTS FREAK THAT YELLS AT MY KIDS WHEN THEY PLAY" husband. I had no idea I would ever be married to this guy, but there he was and I simply had to adjust to him untill now, two years later, he suddenly vanished - Thank God!

You are married to "I AM FEELING LIKE A FAILURE AND LESS THAN A MAN AND I CAN'T PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY" husband. His dissatisfaction with himself is manifesting in all kinds of ways, starving the kids, being too stuborn and prideful to take just ANY job. He is depressed, although he will never admit it to you.

That being said, try to remember two things:
1. He is not himself. Men don't deal with dissapointment well, and they really are exactly like children in so many ways. He may as well be "terrible two" right now, because things aren't going his way.

2. This version of your husband will not be around forever. You must find a way to coexist with him until he's gone. Trashing the marriage right now will truly turn everything totally upside down, and trust me YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPIER. Try to pray and wait it out.

One more perspective to try:
What if your totally healthly husband that you loved as much as any wife can love a husband, suddenly became deathly ill and could not function in the way you or he have been used to. He can't work, he is suffering, his spirits are very low. He even snaps at you and acts mean because he is miserable.

You probably would not divorce him because he is in a state that can't be helped, and you vowed ..."in sickness and in health".

Well, what he is experiencing right now is very similar. He is sick. He is miserable, he can't work, he's being mean and wallowing in self-pity.

So YOU PRETEND HE REALLY IS ILL if that helps you to navigate your way through this tough time.

UNFORTUNATELY:
I know you are saying - "Why should I have to pick up all the slack while he sits around and does nothing and won't put forth effort to get a job"?

It sucks, but I'm sure that you and every other married woman with children knows that WE END UP DOING ALL THE WORK! Even the female species in the wild do all the hunting, raising children, etc. while the males sit around and do nothing.

LET'S SAY YOU DID DIVORCE:
You would still be doing all the raising of the kids, and all the work, and you would still have to deal with him but now he has absolutely no reason to even be civil to you. Because he's not working, you wouldn't even get any financial help for a while. The big bonus: you get to have your kids dropped back off to your house after short "easy" weekends with him in a car with some HOOCHIE riding shotgun.

SUMMARY:
1. Get yourself a more stable job, even if it's at night. It won't be forever, you can handle it.
2. He is not himself because he is not in a position to be "the man of the house". It won't last forever. Treat him like you would a sick person if it makes it easier.
3. Divorce does not rid us of our spouses, especially when we have children. Besides, your family could be ripped apart in so many ways. You have too much going on right now as it is. It even costs money to get a divorce. Don't let that HOOCHIE have your husband!
4. While you weather this storm try to find ways to do things for yourself that bring you joy to mix in with the misery. Joyful things don't have to cost money if you get creative.
5. Try DATING your husband as much as possible during this time so you can pull him out of the drama for a couple hours and be reminded that you actually do still like him a little. The married with children grind makes it impossible for such things to occur to you.

PRAY!

Hang in there. I have been married to the same man for 20 years as of this last Wednesday, and I have had at least 5 husbands already. Some I have liked, some I haven't. But I have learned that there is really no such thing as "happily ever after". Happiness comes in waves. When I see a nice one coming I hop on like a surfer and ride it until it crashes into the shore. Then I just wait there prayerfully for the next good one to come.

Best wishes.

Pam A.

My Dear,

Gently I say you are playing the martyr in your relationship. You are shouldering most of the burdens and letting your husband off his duties. It is the man's job to provide for the family and take care of the money. It is the woman's job to stay at home and take care of the kids and housework. (I can hear the women across America cringing and wanting to throw things at me right now!) It is your husband's job to worry about insurance.

I am sorry for all the stress and huge burdens on your plate right now. Now is not a good time to leave your husband. That will just add more stress to you and your kids and husband.

I suggest you take a deep breath, give your employer 2 weeks notice, and lovingly (seriously) tell your husband that it is too hard for you to work, you belong with your kids because you are their mommy, and you know and trust him that he will find a good job that will take care of you and the kids. That you are willing to live in a small cave and eat top ramen for dinner but you know your husband can do it and you are sorry for not believing in him. Then tell him what his good qualities are, as far as the workplace.

This is age-old advice that has been lost over the years. Men are wired biologically to be providers. When they lose their job, they often get very depressed and feel like losers, and then they start acting like losers. In the meantime, you were just trying to help and be responsible, but you have kept him home and he has leaned on you, instead of you leaning on him. Men need their egos built up big time after they lose a job.

You are both emotional right now and in a tough spot but I bet you are both good people that can get through this and support each other.

My first marriage was like this. I lost jobs because my first husband was so inept. He also managed to somehow leave when I got home always had somewhere to go. (Turns out to some other woman most of the time). Anyway...I understand your pain. It hurts to have to decide this..but it sounds like from your rant that you and him have no love lost between you. Divorce is not always the answer, but when he is left with nothing but that apartment while you go off and do your own thing..and find a good sitter, or use Boys and Girls club if that is available (You have to pay for field trips, but with my kids they have to each pick one thing a week and the rest of the time they play at the club). Make sure you vet the center thoroughly though..some are better than others. I realize you don't want your kids to change schools..especially in the middle of a divorce..but your husband is not taking care of them. Not feeding the kids is unacceptable and illegal..its neglect. Tell him that. Tell him you won't complain but if the kids accidently let it slip to the wrong person that it's been a good 8 hours since they ate last ..someone else will get angry..and then on top of him losing the kids..so will you. Find a place..roommate or no if that will help..but it sounds like you need a wage-earning job. If you tell your husband to take a hike..you can get help from social services to pay rent..on some housing on a 12-24 month lease perhaps. While it sucks to have to ask for food stamps..if you qualify (and most states have a qualifier calculator on their websites that deal with food stamps and such) I understand not wanting to drive..I don't drive either..I have depth perception issues that create kind of a dangerous situation when lighting is bad..weather is bad etc. I do use public transportation and taxis sometimes though taxis are expensive so plan on a monthly bus pass if that is available to you. But, look for car pooling opportunities. If you can find a roommate that you and kids are compatible with then you should go for it if you can afford it. You have to be diligent in paying rent with a roommate or you default the lease..and you might lose them as a roommate..and have to pay it all yourself anyway. SO, priorities first..the kids..time to consider a daycare for them in the summer..when school starts ..after school programs and maybe boys and girls club where they will at least have a snack after school. When you do have time off (Haha you say..what time off?) Well on days you are not at your paying job that is..cook up a storm..convenient put in the microwave..some in single and double servings) Things like what he is saying about unemployment are part of why the federal unemployment extension did not pass. Tell him he either has to get a job..take a job and keep it or get out...plain and simple. If he does not then you have ample reason to divorce him and any judge in his right mind would not give him custody of kids unless you have no where to live...so kick him out first. Deal with your issues as they come. Know anyone that can take care of your kids for a couch to sleep on..meals etc? I know that sucks to have to ask for among friends but trading is not illegal and you can do it if you can find a good person you can trust. Insist on a background check..(Here in Alaska they run around $20.00) Check out Child care assistance if you do kick him out. Your income alone will probably qualify you. Make sure if you separate you get the child support paperwork in right away. He still has to pay child support even on unemployment. They'll take it from his check and send it to you..by garnishment if he is unwilling to just pay it. This guy is too arrogant for words and you ought to lose him in my opinion. I am learning its the only way to get through to the self-pitying egomaniac guys like him. Shame on him and good for you for starting to see him for what he has become. I have no pity for slackers and it appears he has become one. Sorry for your troubles..and hope things look up for you :)

You did not mention whether you feel your marriage is worth saving or if you are just done with your husband and ready to move on. I feel that is a crucial part of the equation.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you have to talk to him about the stresses this current situation is putting you under and the strain it is putting on your marriage. If he is unmoved, perhaps the marriage is not salvageable.

If you want to leave him, then you need to begin preparations. This involves contacting any friend or family member you may have and confiding in them that you are planning an exit strategy and ask how they may be able to help. If this is the route you choose, pride is a luxury neither you nor your children can afford. Asking for help is the only way to make it.

I wish you the best of luck, whichever path you choose.

Only you can decide if you want out of your marriage.
A clue, to me, that you are going in that direction were your comments
about my money and his money. You don't see yourself as a family.
Your husband says you complain too much. Do you support each
other emotionally? Being unemployed is hard.
Maybe your married the wrong person.?
Have you lost respect for your husband?
Clearly you aren't acting or thinking like a couple.
Get a sitter and go out for an evening and have a long, long talk about where
you are going. Together or separately?

You've been given lots of support, ideas and advice, I don't want to belabor the issue.

There is one thing that should be pointed out to your husband though. The longer he stays on umemployment the harder it is to find a good paying job. Employers (scarce in this economy!) always go after the best employees they can find and frankly they are just paying less these days to all beginning employees. Someone whose work history includes a long stint on umemployment makes them look less motivated to a potential employer. From what I've seen, people seem to get the most offers for jobs comparable to what they had, just before, during or just after, being laid off. At this point, it's best to get back into the water, take any job offered that looks like it has potential for advancement and pay increases, or take it as a stop-gap while he casts about for something better. A job isn't his total future, he's not necessarily going to stay there until retirement, it's just another riser on the stairway while he looks toward the landing...and is resume building.

Take Care-

awww...sweetheart, i feel your pain....I REALLY DO. My husband has shaped up this last year, but i was in the same boat as you. He is notoriously unemployed at times, and i mean, stays that way for much too long, and i have to take up the slack at work and at home. Lately he has done nothing but work, literally, on an oil field never coming home but to do laundry,,,etc...for like 2 days. There were years and months of time i supported him.....and still had to do all the house work. To make it all worse, the i.r.s. put a lien on MY bank account because of his taxes that occured before i even married him, and to top it all off, our house was almost taken away for land taxes. The reason i tell you this is.

It got better.We caught up, because he "man"ned up, and all of our marriage problems and insecurities dissolved without all the stress on our heads.

They say money doesnt buy happiness, and thats true, but not having money can make happy people so stressed they become unhappy.

I think your husband needs to know EXACTLY how you feel, tell him everything, lay it on the line and let the peices fall where they may. I think you can save your marriage with the truth. But i think burgeoning anger will only explode into certain divorce.

oh and by the way, i dont drive either!, seriously, i am 28 year old woman who has never had a license (i thought i was alone in this), i have two kids too, and live in the city, so yeah, its very hard!, i have a fear of it as well,i was in an accident that shot my nerves to hell about it, but im trying to get over it, we have 3 cars!, and one driver, i really really need to just chill.

Oh wow...it is no wonder that you are feeling stressed and about to explode!! But I can sympathize with your husband too, I am sure he is feeling depressed and a sense of uselessness since he lost his job. That being said, I feel like he is not being as supportive and cooperative as he needs to be, as a husband and a father. I don't know what your relationship was like before this situation arose, was he someone you could talk to and discuss things with or was he authoritative and demanding as it sounds like he is now?
Are you all members of a church? If you are, could you have a few sessions with the pastor (along with your husband hopefully!) and discuss your concerns and feelings of being taken advantage of?
If you do not have someone that you can bring in as a neutral 3rd party...I think the two of you still need to sit down and talk. I would urge you to be calm, non-threatening and non-argumentative. Avoid the "you" statements ( You make me SO mad when you don't wash the dishes) use the I statements (I feel so overwhelmed when I come home from a full day of work to a full sink of dirty dishes).
Basically you need to decide what you want...do you want to save and repair your marriage or do you want to start to construct an exit strategy to get out of the marriage.
Good luck to you...and to your family

heck. print this out and the rest of the advices and put it on his desk. no use talking away. you've said enough. let everyone else speak for you. and get some rest if you can.

Hello, You are overwhelmed!!! My husband worked and when I worked two part-time jobs (our kids were older), I would leave the house at about 6:30 a.m. and not get home until 7:30 p.m. (if I was lucky). I would make sure that dinner was done before I left and the kitchen was cleaned up as well as the usual making the beds and other housework. However, when I got home, he had usually done some laundry or something. Many times he would put things in the dryer that shouldn't be there and hang things all over the house that should have been in the dryer. At least he tried. It must be awful having a husband who is not trying to help. I would not answer the texts he is sending you at work unless one of the children is hurt or sick. Leave him out there in the river without a paddle.
As far as the health insurance, I would definately go down there, if I had the time and get that straightened out. I'm not sure why your other child isn't on Medicaid, but I would try to get both of them on it. I know that can be frustrating. We had custody of one of our grandsons a few years ago and I had a heck of a time getting that straightened out. We finally got a wonderful worker who went the extra step and fixed that as well as our grandson's AFDC.
It sounds like your husband needs to have Grandma watch the kids occasionally and get off of his rear and get another job. That might not help your relationship, but then again it might. I lost my husband after 43 years of marriage a few months ago. I would give anything to have him here annoying me. So, I guess I'm saying, would you be better off with him or without him (Dear Abby--or was it Anne Landers?)
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I can offer some GREAT advice. Dave Ramsay. Get O. of his books free from the library asap. Financial problems are the main cause of divorce in this country. I know it's annoying, but I'm betting the dishes left in the sink wouldn't bother you half as much if the bills were paid, right?
You can't do the "he pays this, I pay that" game. Pool the money and pay the bills. ALL of them. Learn to live on less than you earn. No, it's not easy, but it CAN be done. Eliminate all debt asap.
Oh--and by the way--he needs a J-O-B ASAP. Any job. Pizza delivery man, mini mart clerk. ANY JOB. Let him find something that works with your schedule. Sorry, but he needs to man up and stop riding your gravy train! Good luck, sweetie. Tough times reveal a person's true character, don't they?

You are one amazing woman!! I am so sorry your husband isn't half the "man" you are.

So I pretty much agree with everyone's answers. First of all, good for you for trying to keep it together. Second, I wish you weren't going through all this. Third, my husband and I had separate bank accounts for the first 4 years of our marriage. I would write him a rent check and then he's pay the whole rent. I'd always do mind calculations to make sure were paying on the same level. Recently, we went through the whole house-buying process, so we decided to finally join our bank accounts, Let me tell you how much easier it has made life. There is no secret money, we have been able to pay off more debt and there is no tallying dollars spent. All money made belongs to the family, not just him and not just me. It has been a huge relief. Because believe me it used to be like "oh I paid for gas the last two times, you get it today." Now, those conversations never happen.

I'm sorry honey. You certainly have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You sound like a strong woman, but anyone would wobble a little under the circumstance. You had no question, but I will advise to lean on any family and friends that you can. Meditate on your situation and follow your gut. You sound like a smart woman and I know over time it will be okay.

:)

You should definately get food stamps if you can and WIC if your children are under 5 years old! There's nothing wrong with getting on these programs when you need them, that's what they're there for! As for your marriage that is hard, because marriage is tough and a lot of work to keep together! I don't know if you're religous, but I do recommend finding a church of worship together, I know that has helped me. Good luck and God bless.