Taking the Keys Away from Elderly Driver

Personally... I'd call the DMV to see if there were steps THEY could take to see if he should still have his license and car keys.

You must be very concerned about your FIL, but also concerned about other drivers. If he were to cause an accident that resulted in someone injury or death, I know I would feel partly responsible. Not to mention, the Law Suit to your families holding, could be devastating, wiping out all that this man has worked so hard for all of these years.

As we age we shrink. We lose our eyesight. We are on medications so that there are side effects. Even Tylenol can make some people very drowsy.. Take a look at his meds and see if ANY of them say anything about drowsiness or no driving. We are easier to let our minds wander.

I know all of this because my husbands grandparents lived up the street from us. We would stand at the end of our sidewalk and wave to them each evening as they drove off to dinner. It was great until one day we started noticing they did not always see us, or wave..

Over the years, grandfather became so small he almost could not see over the steering wheel. He said it "needed some new seats". They then were hit by a red light runner.. he could not avoid it he "never saw it coming".. Then he turned in front of a cyclist who hit the side of their car and flew over the car and landed in their driveway. That was it. All of a sudden the "Car is not working." My MIL, their daughter, called and paid a mechanic to "look at the non working car" . For $65. he diagnosed "Nope, not worth repairing".. $65, and pulling out some major parts.. made it so the car will never work again.

We had tried having the doctor tell him he could not drive, but soon learned there are legal reasons many will not do this. Soo, you do need to convince him that 1. the car does not work. 2. His meds make it unsafe for him to drive. It os a sad day to have to all of a sudden realize, we know better what our parents need, It is a shift, but can actually end up great.

Grandfather was taken everywhere by different family members, he saw way more of us than he ever had. the great grand kids were excited about driving him around.. We always greeted him with excitement and like an honored guest.. I think he liked it after a while. He would stick a ten in your hand for gas. He was the man..

Something needs to be said. That would be the responsible thing to do. You can do it in a lovingly manner. It's tough seeing our parents or other loved ones get old and lose their independence but unfortunately it's a part of life. If they do nothing and something horrible happens, they will never forgive themselves. It's always better to be proactive than reactive. Has your husband rode with his father lately? Maybe he needs to. I would just bring your concerns to him. Good luck!

we had this same problem with my grandfather. he backed into 2 or 3 cars coming out of his driveway, in a parking lot, etc. plus accidents. it's SOO dangerous. i would just ask your husband, "if he wasn't your father and just some guy on the road, if you were driving with your kids in the car next to hm, what would you say?" plus, your husband and his siblings have to think, if your FIL kills someone on the road, there goes whatever money he has coming in taking care of your MIL, but also any money he has put away for the kids/grandkids. i know money isn't really the issue, but sometimes that can be a deciding factor for some people. if someone sues him, they can take his house, money, and anything else if they don't have the money. don't beat around the bush about this. be blunt and to the point.

My husband didn't want to take the keys from his father either. It was a very painful subject. Grandpa had dementia and my husband was definitely in denial.
His dad was a war veteran, he was an excellent provider to his wife and kids, retired after 30+ years as a county employee. Had always been active in the outdoors, water skiing, camping, fishing. My husband was very much holding on to the man his father had been.
He would literally forget where his own bedroom was, but he would get in the car and take off. It scared the daylights out of my mother-in-law. She wouldn't ride with him.
He got in the car one day and headed for San Francisco. For some reason he felt the need to drive 4 hours to eat at a Denny's restaurant he remembered from 20 years before. He made it to Denny's. Went in, ate, came out and couldn't find his car. He forgot where he parked it. He spent the night in the Greyhound bus station and called my husband to come get him the next day. He couldn't find his car because it had been stolen and was found abandoned with all the windows broken out of it, the stereo gone. They had it towed back home and he got the windows fixed.
Something like that "could have happened to anybody" and my husband wouldn't take his keys and his freedom away from him.
Two months later, my mother-in-law called in a complete panic because she had hidden the keys and he searched until he found them. He informed her he was headed for Salt Lake City. He took off with no clothes, no medication, whatever little bit of cash he had on him, no credit card to trace. We reported it and the authorities put out an APB for him. He was missing and feared dead for like 5 days. We were sick and it literally damn near killed my mother-in-law. I damn near died the day I was home alone and got the call from a sheriff's department asking me if I was a next of kin. I lost it. The officer said, "Mam....he's alive."
He had actually made it all the way to Nephi, Utah. He got lost on some mountain road, high centered the car, got out with the keys in the ignition, left the door open and took off walking. Thanfully some kind people came upon him and were concerned. He got right in their truck with them and they took him in to town to the police station. They had the bulletin that he was missing and they contacted me. He hadn't eaten or slept for days. Fortunately, there was a little motel right by the police station and we told them to get him a room, let him have absolutely anything he wanted to eat, money was no object....just keep an eye on him until my husband could get there. My husband and his brother took their motor home and shared driving non-stop to get to him.
I didn't have to say anything to my husband. That little escapade did it. My husband was so relieved that his dad was okay and his own heart just couldn't go through any of that again.
He told his dad...."I hope you enjoyed your road trip because it's the last time you are driving yourself anywhere. I mean it. That was your last hurrah."
Grandpa didn't have all his faculties. He didn't know what all the fuss was about. He actually said to my husband, "What took you so long to get here? I thought you got lost".

I hate to say it, but this is one of those things that you simply cannot force your husband and his siblings to deal with if they aren't ready.
In my case, my husband couldn't bear to take his father's independence away from him. It was h*** o* him to face that basically his father had become the child and he had to make the decision to "ground" him and take his keys. My husband knew that it was only by the grace of God that Grandpa and everyone else in his path survived the Utah episode. Like I said, I didn't have to say a word. I never once said "I tried to tell you".
All you can do is say that you're worried about Grandpa driving. You already won't ride in the car with him.
It's dangerous, it's scary. You have every right to be worried, but it's not your call. I don't think you should be silent, but I don't think you should nag about it either.
Contact a senior resource center in your area. Ask them what types of agencies they recommend for helping transport the elderly and taking them for errands, out to lunch, things like that. If the adult children can't take turns, find resources and mention that you checked into it and found this really great place that background checks people and offer companionship and transportation. Say you were just trying to be helpful and leave it at that for a bit. Let it roll around and sink in.
My father-in-law adored me and I could sweet talk him into just about anything, but volunteering his keys? No way. No chance.
And I sure as heck wasn't going to be successful bugging my husband about it. He wouldn't listen to his own mother, who by the way, was unsuccessful getting something from the doctor or the DMV to restrict his driving. She tried. Especially after the San Francisco incident. It's not as easy as you might think.
Maybe let your husband read my story.
My husband certainly never imagined that his dad would walk out the door one day and the next we'd be facing the real possibility that we'd never see him again or ever even know what happened to him.
Sometimes it takes that for someone to know when enough is enough.

Sorry this got so long.
It came from a place of full understanding. I promise.
I pray things work out okay before something sad happens.

Best wishes.

It is either take away his keys, or he gets Arrested.
Would they WANT, their 80 something year old dad, to be ARRESTED?
For reckless driving in the least, or for really hurting someone... or to even be SUED by someone else if he rams into their car???? And if he physically hurts another driver???
I think not.
Or what if he kills someone on the road??? A bicycler or driver or pedestrian?

My late Dad, due to illness and failing eyesight, could no longer drive. It was hard for him to accept that. But... I took him down to the DMV, to 'renew' his license once. I knew he would not pass. But he needed, to go through the 'process.' He took the test, and he failed.
He could no longer drive. But, deep inside he knew that. He appreciated my going with him to the DMV and 'letting' him go through the process of attempting, to renew his license.

After that, WE all had to drive him around.
Or there are handicap shuttle buses, that drive seniors or elderly around.

Being in denial... will get their Dad/Grandpa, in deep deep trouble.

Or what if he even kills himself, on the road?

You need to sit your Husband down, and have a good heart to heart talk about this.
Calmly.

Does your MIL have a cell phone, at least? For emergencies like he has had with the car???

you could do several things.

1. you could report him to the state DMV as being an unsafe driver. They can issue a medical review and road test, where like when he was 16 or so, he had to go drive with an instructor.

2. disconnect the battery in the car so that when he tries to leave the house the car won't start.

3. replace his car key with one that looks the same to a different car so that when he goes to drive the key won't work.

In all extended family issues, I handle them the same way. I talk to my husband and let him take it from there. I would bring it up with him in as caring and sensitive a manner as possible, but being firm and having specific examples. I don't tell him what he should do or what needs to happen. I just share my concerns and wait for him to ask my advice or to come to a solution on his own. It's not always that day or even that week, but I've planted a seed and he marinates on it until he comes to his own decision on it. (which is totally the decision I planted in his head in the 1st place) :)

Does your FIL see a doctor? Do any of his children accompany him? You might give a heads up to the doctor's office and ask the doctor to address it. You can call the nurse and tell him/her your concerns (this would probably only work if this is a doctor's office who knows your family and has an established relationship). The doctor can assess your FIL specifically on his driving ability, and can help his children make this difficult decision.

Well first of all, don't tell him that you think that people in Texas are "disgusting" like you told us in the 'shoe removal' question a few days ago. He might not like that too much.

I think a lawsuit to your family is going to happen soon if nothing is done. I say call the DMV and ask them. Maybe you can report him as having been unsafe. Give his license plate number. Say you are just a concerned citizen. Don't mention your his DIL.

It's hard to be in their situation. I would document every thing I could. Taking pictures might be hard if you are the driver. Take your phone and video him driving sometime with your hubby driving your car. He should see first hand the hazard the parent is causing. It also sounds like he may be having some dementia.

I am so sad they will have to deal with this. They will have to go to court or their dad can file theft charges about the refusal to give him his keys. My ex had to and it was horrible. Until his mom was further in her dementia she didn't speak to him. Then she didn't remember she was mad at him about stuff. By that time she was in a long term care facility because she lite up a cigarette while she had her oxygen on and in her nose. She could have died.

If you are married, you are family, not "related by marriage". Also, it is something that your hubby and his siblings need to handle but as far as raising your concern, I say raise it softly to your husband. I'm having to address things with my husband now regarding his mother that I am now comfortable with doing after being married 11 years.

Of course, you don't have 11 years as this is a serious issue and others could get really hurt or killed. If hubby and his siblings don't respond, then I'd try calling the dvm and just tell them you are a concerned witness and perhaps they can offer some help.

except for their 'dependence' on the parents, I'd say "fix" the car (so long as he doesn't know a mechanic!) to where it won't run...

(that's what my dad did to my mom's gf truck -- and he called each of the man's sons and dared them to fix it back! gr-gf sight was bad enough he could not see what dad did to make it not run - so obviously didn't need to dirve -- besides, dad took him everywhere he needed each weekend)