HI-
I am a SAHM of a 4 1/2 year old girl. I didn't have a clue that I would ever have to deal with tattling since she doesn't have siblings, but I am dealing with it and I need help. My daughter is constantly tattling on herself! I think it is a phase. I think she is seeking attention. But it is starting to drive me a little crazy, one because it is tattling and two because she gets a lot of attention from both me and her dad and her grandparents and it is all pretty positive attention.
It will start with something like this: "Mommy, I was laying be bed early this morning and put my finger in my nose." I usually respond with "Oh, ok, well, what you do in private is your business." Then she will say, "But mom, I did it and it was wrong. Do you forgive me." And I say, "Well, there isn't anything to forgive, because you didn't do anything wrong." Normally, had I seen her do this, I would probably say, "Please don't put your finger in your nose, but if you need to, go to the bathroom and use a tissue."
Then the conversation will continue on her part. She will go on and on and on about it and I mean forever. I ask her to stop talking about it, lets move on and be over it. I try to ignore her, I have tried everything. Then she breaks down crying about how it was so wrong and please please just forgive me mom...Over picking her nose for goodness sakes....
I feel awful. I feel like I am the worse mom in the whole world. I know I am a very loving and involved mom. I feel like her emotions are spiraling out of control over the simplest little things. Today it was over her wanting to tell someone that she was doing something bad, which she wasn't and then another situation when she told me she didn't like a boys hair.
In a loving way, I asked her if the reason she was telling me this was because she wanted me to be upset and discipline her and she said no, but couldn't articulate why she keeps doing this. I don't expect her to be able to tell me why or even understand as she only 4 1/2 - but you know, sometimes kids are smarter than we think and have things to say, so I had to ask.
She has always been an emotional girl. She doesn't like to do things wrong or being in trouble. My husband has recently gone thru surgery and is recovering from an injury. I know this probably has a lot to do with that. I just am struggling on how to deal with this. My husband feels that we need to ignore her and if she continues to put her in time out, but I just don't know. I feel like she is needing love and attention (which she does get a lot of, I promise), but I don't know if positive attention is making it worse - does that make sense?
I guess I really don't know what I am asking for here...maybe reassurance that this is a phase, maybe if anyone else has gone thru this...I don't know.
Thanks so much.
I decided it would be best to talk to my daughters pediatrician. She feels this is completely not normal for my child and has referred her a therapist as she feels it is anxiety issues. Thank you for all the advice you gave.
Rosebud said what Id say.. Just tell her you forgive her, and then ask if shed like to help make cookies, or feed the cat, or help make dinner. Change the subject and move on.
Say, "yes, I forgive you." For whatever reason, that is what she wants to hear you say. So say it.
Next time, try this. Don't tell her, "you didn't do anything wrong so I don't need to forgive you." You are being too rational with her. Emotions are not about reason. Just mirror her emotion, even if is seems like she is beating herself up for no reason. Mirroring emotions helps mitigate them or make them go away. So, if she asks you to forgive her, say, "Yes, of course I forgive you." This will stop her from continuing in this vein a lot more than trying to tell her she has nothing to feel bad about.
Also, a girl like this may always have a tendency to be a little hard on herself, so be careful not to foster perfectionism in her. Praise effort, not intelligence, and don't be a stickler on having things done to perfection.
Not really sure what to do in this case. Maybe you could say "thanks for telling me honey. I'm glad we can talk about anything. Let's keep our fingers out of our noses in the future, okay?" Or maybe you could just give her a hug and say "that's okay. Remember mom will always love you." It does sound like she is doing it for attention and maybe needs to feel reassurance that you'll love her even if she does something wrong. Either that or she is testing her limits and trying to see what she will get in trouble for. In all likelihood this is a phase and she'll stop doing it soon. In the meantime, try to give her lots of positive attention and keep the lines of communication open in case there is something else that she really wants to talk about. Good luck!
It sounds like you have a very sensitive DD - which is a good thing, because as she grows and matures that sensitivity will be part of compassion and kindness. But right now in its developing state, it shows up in situations like you're experiencing - and since you sound like a sensitive and compassionate mommy, it's all the more heartbreaking to see her being so hard on herself, KWIM?
So a few thoughts (I was a pretty sensitive kid and one of my DD's is too, so these are observations from both the parent and kid POV): IMO it *does* take a while for a sensitive child to develop assurance that he/she is fully loved and accepted even though he/she makes mistakes (as the saying goes, if people make 9 positive comments and one negative comment about you, the one negative is the one you remember). And IME (this has been my experience as an adult as well as in childhood) if you gradually incorporate age-appropriate activities where she is helping someone else, those kinds of things can help boost her self confidence and help her change gears from the "am I in trouble because I did....." thoughts.
I think over time *you* will also recognize what strategies do and don't work for helping her when she gets into these kinds of situations - this is what I'm finding with my emotional 9YO DD. Sometimes talking and reassuring her is helpful, sometimes it seems to make matters worse because she'll start contradicting whatever positive thing i try to say and in those situations I tell her something like "Mom would like to help you but right now I'm having difficulty understanding your words. Why don't you find a quiet space and let your thoughts settle down a bit and talk to me when you're ready?"
Also, she might benefit from a book like "What To Do When You Worry Too Much" By Dawn Huebner, which presents kid-friendly strategies for learning to manage your anxieties instead of letting them manage you http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473...
hope that helps!
My kids (now 11 and 14) can go on and on about a game or a toy or something they did that I couldn't care less about, and I admit that after the umpteenth time of some long diatribe about another boring subject I will just tell them to please go play with something, or I give them a task to do (please move the laundry from the washer to the dryer now). You are not a bad mom, you can only take so much. It is hardest when your child's temperament is very different from your own. Kids go through so many phases. A friend of mine whose daughter is also very sensitive like my daughter, but in a different way, said it best: " all kids have quirks but you just get used to your own kid's ways". I would tell her she is forgiven. If she keeps going on about it, just say in a firm voice: "I really don't want to hear more about it. Do you want to do xyz now?" We try to tread so carefully around our kids, but they are hardier than we think, and looking back on it I worried soooo much about little things that ended up being nothing. Good luck.
It is normal for kids to do things wrong just to gain attention. It seems like without sibs no one is catching her so she isn't getting the attention so she brings it to your attention. Strange but normal.
Like with normal attention seeking behavior you have to ignore it while giving her positive attention. In other words stop giving her what she wants which is oh you are such a good girl you did nothing wrong. Just ignore it. I tend go with cool, could you pass the milk. This has to be combined with true positive attention. Obviously what you are giving her isn't what she needs if she is attention seeking. Or maybe she is just that needy, god help you if that is the case.
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Sounds like she's just trying to get attention I would say what you said at first and if she continues I would say "if you want Mommy to play with you just ask". Any attention makes it worse, positive or negative. Time out gives her attention too, as strange as that sounds. She is still getting attention. I agree that if it gets to the point where she is asking for forgiveness don't negate what she's feeling. To her, whether she's doing it for attention or not, she feels what she did is bad and wants forgiveness. If you say that she doesn't need it b/c she didn't do anything wrong she won't see the rational part of that, b/c while it is true, she will see it as she doesn't deserve forgiveness or something along those lines.
You can teach her why lies are a big no-no and what is a lie vs truth (example of lie vs truth). You can teach her how to express her emotions healthy and how to ask for attention if she wants it, it sounds like the surgery may have scared her and maybe she forgot some of what you taught her if you had taught her before how to do all this.
:0) Hubby and I always disagree on ignoring it or giving her more attention. I am not sure how to tell and she is in 4th grade.
I was super sensitive in the same way as a child. I suggest talking with her as long as she needs and reassuring her. I ended up having OCD but if you show her now that her fears/concerns are ok to have and you will listen talk with her about them, perhaps she can work through this with you. I hope that helped a little bit!
God bless,
M.
I think that she is a very sensitive little girl. My son is the same about doing something wrong. She needs to find some balance in wrong doing. I know that you probably have already tried but I would talk to her about it when it's NOT happening. You know NOT one of those sit down talks but a talk while you are doing something and she is hanging out with you. No eye contact and no reaction to what she is saying to you. Ask her how it makes her feel when she does something wrong and what she is scared of. Make some suggestions if she can't tell you. I would tell her that all people makes mistakes and share some of yours with her. I think she is seeking acceptance and needs some reassurance from you both that she is ok no matter what she does. I always tell my boys that I will always love them I just sometimes don't like what they do. Kids need to understand the difference :)
Wish you well, I can imagine that it's hard to do this over and over and over without much of an end in sight. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart for sure.
Best Regards,
C.
