I'm looking for ideas on how to teach modesty to my five-year-old daughter.
She's a good kid, but she's not generally aware of her body. By that, I mean that she genuinely doesn't seem to notice that her feet are kicking someone under the table, or that when she goes to burrow in the couch cushions it's going to muss her hair (I don't bother with pretty hairstyles anymore, they only stay up for about 2 minutes anyway), or that she's just stepped on something or someone, or that her dress has worked its way up while she's playing in the yard or on the floor or the playground, or worse, that her dress and underwear have both shifted as she's shimmying down the fireman's pole at the playground (I insist that she wears shorts to the playground, but my primary sitters don't; I've had some luck explaining this as a hygene issue, but not so much a modesty one). I've tried swim lessons and gymnastics, hoping that a little more awareness of how her body moves would help her to be more aware of her body in general, but it doesn't seem to have helped much, other than a little bit with the clumsiness that just comes from growing.
I've tried explaining to her that her body is special, and she is allowed to keep a short list of people who can see it, and that strangers should never, ever, be on that list. I sort of extended it by saying that our neighbors don't want to be on that list, so please don't show anything to them. But I don't know what else to do, or how to drive it home to her that she needs to start being a bit more modest.
I know she's "just five," but I want this to be a habit BEFORE she hits puberty, and it becomes crucial.
What did you do?
Thanks for the advice, ladies.
I'm trying to balance all of this with encouraging my kids to make their own decisions. So she is allowed to pick what she wants to wear, and that is primarily dresses. I've insisted that her skirts be the skorts/scooters, and that she wear bicycle shorts under her dresses (her school dress code requires this, too, thank goodness!), but again, the sitter doesn’t really see it the same way I do, and doesn’t always require the shorts. And y’all are right; that’s not DD’s fault; that’s my fault, and sitter and I need to have a sit-down.
And of COURSE I let her be a kid. Which is why I’m forgoing the fancy hairstyles. She’s five. She doesn’t need perfect curls or frenchbraids. Her cowlick is part of who she is. (Though she IS allowed to choose her own haircut, too, which is of course Rapunzel-inspired, so…well, we do a lot of brushing…) That was tossed in there just as an illustration of general self-unawareness. I’m dismayed at how that was jumped on as needing a response. I’ve given too-few details before, I suppose I’ve given too many now? I can’t seem to get the hang of internet communication.
I am trying to model modesty, but I don't wear a lot of dresses, because it’s hard to do so gracefully while chasing two young children, as well as keeping up with all the housework, but I suppose it’s time to make the effort – I hadn’t thought of it, so thanks for that.
I get the argument for letting her be a kid. I do. And believe me, it breaks me heart that this is already an issue. She’s only five, but she’s tall for her age (and early puberty runs in my husband’s family), and though she’s still a long way from “blooming” it already makes the neighbors and her uncles and grandfathers visibly uncomfortable for her to be so “showy.” That tells me that it’s past time this was addressed.
We’ve had a problem with her stripping down at playdates. Or running outside naked (in the front yard! – the door was unlocked because DH was doing yardwork). Or coming out when we have company over, and she’s supposed to be in bed, but she runs out and does a somersault in her nightgown before we can catch her. I need to TEACH this. These things are fun, but we’re having a hard time with explaining that just because you WANT to do something, doesn’t mean that you GET to do it. So this is all tied in with that, too.
Really, what I’m looking for is some inspiration, and I think I’ve gotten some from you all, so thank you again.
I’ve had a hard time overcoming some of my own issues, and I don't want DD to have to deal with them too. So I'm really floundering. I don’t want to scare her, I don’t want to give her body issues, I just want to protect her, and I guess I’m also having a hard time with my baby not being a baby anymore.
Dress her in pants and let her be a kid! Five-year-olds shouldn't have to worry about their clothing or their hair. Put her hair in a ponytail or cut it short and forget about it. There are many years before she hits puberty and she will start paying attention to her body and her clothing and hair well before then. Then you'll likely wish she spent less time worrying about her looks...
I have always tried to teach my girls that they need to act like ladies when they are wearing dresses. That way we don't have problems with their dresses hiking up or them going down the pole at the playground, because when you act like a lady and are wearing a dress we don't do things like that. I think that it would help to start putting some rules down. Teach her how to act and move when she is wearing certain items of clothing. Show her how to sit while wearing a dress so she doesn't show her underpants. I have luck telling my girls that I don't like to see their underwear and neither does anyone else, so please don't sit that way. To me, I don't teach it as modesty to my kids, but more of manners that we use and act in a certain way. I also make sure that the clothes that they are wearing fit properly and aren't too revealing or small. I do that by doing the head-shoulders-knees and toes method. If we place our hands on our heads and our shirts come up and show our belly they are too short. If we place our hands on our shoulders and we can see armpits or our shoulders are bare (no straps or sleeveless or spaghetti straps) then we can't wear it. If we touch our knees and the shirt comes up in the back it might be too small. Our shorts and dresses need to come at least to the fingertip length when we put our hands at our sides, but definetly to our knees is better. If we touch our toes and our skirts/shorts show underwear they aren't ok. And you are right, if you start teaching them now, they are much easier to enforce when she is older. Good luck.
J.--SAHM of 7 (4 of them girls!)
I also have a 5yo girl.
Skirts must have shorts/pants/leggings under them. Then I have been reminding her that 'no one wants to see her panties'. We have that conversation often. Until she can get that concept, then we'll keep layering the clothing. (She loves to wear skirts/dresses.)
I know that really the problem is that some people DO want to see her panties... but that information would confuse the issue. So I keep it simple. (I can cover those details later.)
She is starting to get this idea, but is still confused by it... It takes time.
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I'm with Sue - put some jeans on her and let her rip.
I think you're expecting too much from a 5 year old. She should be in jeans or pants or shorts at a playground!
Give her some time mom, most people don't give a rip about a kid's undies being shown at a playground....
I have been known to say to my son "Be AWARE of what's around you!" on occasion...
I understand your concern, and I'm glad you are aware that she's only five! She sounds like a great girl.
I'm also assuming that you're not concerned about other members of her family who may be seeing her at play.
(And by the way, I see little girls wearing shorts under dresses all the time these days.)
Perhaps the best thing to do right now is to model modesty to her at home. Wear a bathrobe; cover the appropriate parts of your own anatomy; dress stylishly but modestly. She will want to be like you.
You don't want to put nightmares in her head. But you can keep saying what you're saying, lightly: "Jenny, pull your shirt down - the neighbors don't really want to see your tummy."
Girls do tend to get aware of their bodies as they get older (even just a year or two older), and then she herself will want to stay more covered. Some time she'll have to learn about strangers, but that may have to start with "Don't talk to them," rather than "Watch how you look." Is the old book NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS still in libraries? If it isn't, ask the librarian for another suggestion.
Don't buy clothes that don't cover the parts you don't want advertised...lol.
My girl does not go out of the house in a dress without shorts on under, she is not allowed, it will not happen. Yesterday, for the first time EVER she put on her dress she got for her birthday and forgot when her friends came over the ask her to come out and play. She went up a tree in her NEW DRESS and then realized she didn't have shorts on. She came home and put some on.
I really like the leggings under skirts and dresses idea. You can make that a fashion statement and fun. Also, as winter is approaching you can get some fun patterned knit stockings to wear underneath. We have them in stripes and polka dots and all kinds. They are cute and ecclectic.
My recommendation would be to make it fun. Have it be a playtime that you do with her. I would do a "ladiy's tea" once or twice a week with her. Both of you dress up and have tea and cakes and finger sandwiches. Play it up that you are ladies having tea. You can talk about sitting like a lady, actiing like a lady, speaking like a lady, having table manners like how to eat in small bites and how to use your napkin and say "please", "thank you", and "may I." Then when she is doing things that you feel are not appropriately aware, you can say, "Sit like a lady, please" or "Use your lady like voice, please" and she will have a fun frame of refference.
My mum officially gave up when I was eight (one too many notes home about me hanging upside down on the monkey bars).
I've worn jeans and pants and shorts ever since.
My hair is an entirely separate issue. When in S.Carolina she paid a neighbor to cornrow my hair with her daughters' once a week (curls, don't even get me started on curls, that 500 words right there), and my hair all went downhill after we moved. I've had it 1/2 an inch long, and down to my waist, but it was a complete nightmare until I joined the military and learned to style the stupid stuff WET, with rather a lot of gel. But that's another story for another day.
I think your doing to much at once really. At 5 the rule was undewear must be worn at all times. And they must be covered up when outside. Though there were still occasions she would try to hang upside down with a dress on. She didnt care. We didn't make a big issue out of her body because lets not make her self conscous already. Teen years will hit soone enough. At school she had to wear shorts or skorts. Shorts. korts are play clothes,, skirts and dresses are for going out to the movies or eat etc.. Keep it simple and you will do better
It sounds like you are trying to teach her shame versus modesty. She is a strong, healthy active girl. Harness that. Stop sending her out in clothes where she has to be modest! If you insist on dresses, add shorts. Shirts baggy enough to come up when she's on the monkey bars- add a cami.
I LOVE Julie's "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" method! (Though, I LIVE in sleeveless - I understand it's a preference thing.)
She is 5. She should be proud of her strong healthy body. She should not feel like she needs to hide it from anyone. She should be wearing clothes that allow her to not even think about her body. Put tights or leggings or jeans under her skirts if you are concerned someone will see her undies. It's not something SHE should have to worry about. Teaching her to be ashamed of her body is way to easy a lesson for her to absorb - she does not need to be 'modest' - she needs to be 5.
You may want to take her to a neurologist to see if her nerves are working... not having a spatial & superficial layer (skin) awareness of one's self by this age is not average or normal behavior
