Teaching Personal Responsibility...

crickets chirping.....
ok, i'll give it a crack. I have a 4 and 5 yr old and an 18 and 19 yr old.

Personal responsibility - for mine, they have to clean up any mess they make. Literally and figuratively. They have chores with rewards and consequences. There are consequences at home if they are reprimanded at school. They are in charge of keeping shoes, backpacks, and jackets in the proper place and ready for school.
If they get overstimulated or agitated, are arguing, I send them to thier rooms to "take a breath." My girl throws herself on her bed and is cheery again in 3 minutes, my boy used to go to his room and throws his toys. He then had to pick every bit of it up and apologize AND tell me with his words why he was so angry. He has stopped throwing his toys! I try to model that behavior by taking a breath when I get agitated too and using my words to explain to them why I'm angry or hurt.
They know if someone breaks a rule, it's not ok to break the same rule in response. They are supposed to tell a grownup if someone is yelling, bullying, not playing fair, hitting. I'm raising tattle tales, but that's better than the alternative.
I think these things must work. I am happy to report that I have a 19 yr old that is the most responsible person I know. She pays her own car pymt, gas, insurance, maintenance, and cell phone bill and has since she was 16. She wont even take money if I try to give it to her! My 18 yr old just started his freshman yr in college, has already found a new church and a job. He is completely paying his own way. I'm pretty proud of those kids.

We spend a lot of time in the book of Proverbs:
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him. Prov. 26:4
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1
There is so much wisdom in Proverbs, it can be overwhelming! We sometimes only read one verse and have much to discuss. We talk, talk, talk together and work through various situations. We want wise children. We also lead by example. We don't yell at each other. We don't have TV shows that display this behavior (we don't have TV). We are careful about what we expose them to so that they learn by proper example how to behave. When they act disrespectfully, they are disciplined. We do not permit any one of us to behave that way. That includes the adults. And, when we do, we aplogize (child or adult), forgive, and move on.
I guess self-control is another huge issue here. We teach it as soon as they are old enough to understand, which is very young. The world does not revolve around anyone, not even our children. So, they need to learn how to put others first, be patient, serve each other, and stop worrying so much about #1, which is our natural inclination. Lifelong battle. :)

Jeez, I hope you get some good responses on this so I can read them too!!!

The first thing that comes to mind is....example, example, example. Leed by example. If the kids see you (and other adults) staying calm even while angry, being respectful even when some is acting like a jerk to you etc, they will eventually pick it up too. Try to spot "teachable" moments.
I tell my kids "only you control you" ex, someone else can call you a name, say nasty things etc, but only YOU control how you feel, blow it off, don't let it get to you. Be "above" that, be above letting someone else have that control over you.......

I saw that your children are 3 and 4. In my preschool classroom we always had a feelings center along with the play centers. Basically it was a quiet place in a corner of the room where they could go when they were mad, sad, frustrated and have a quiet time. It was NOT every used as a time out. In the center was a soft pillow and a blanket, a stuffed animal, paper and crayons, a little cd player with soothing music, a peg board type toy with a hammer, a book, and so on. The idea was when I child was getting frustrated, to get to them before the acting out started and let them go to the feelings center to express themselves appropriately and calm down. Then when they had de-escalated we talked about the problem and helped them define their feelings and good strategies for dealing with those feelings and the situation that caused it.

Teaching them how to spot when they are "on the brink", take time out for themselves, express their feelings, and work with others to fix the problem will do a lot to keep them from ever getting agressive.

So you teach them to take space by giving them a space to take and beginning the habit of going there when frustrated, then you teach them to act respectfully by walking them through the process. You do this consistently and as many times as it takes for it to become a skill.

I have retyped this several times. Pretty much two wrongs don't make a right.

My kids have seen me keep my temper when they knew I wanted to just rip the person apart. For whatever reason, cloning comes to mind, they have always mirrored my behavior. So as long as I do what I want them to do they have done it.

I wish I could give you step by step but I really can't find a story to say here. *points*

I always stop them and have them OWN their feelings in that moment.

I always stop them....and ask they Why they feel this way.

I am pretty lucky I have kids who see through to the bigger picture on things.

I think having them take the time to recognize their feelings and then the feelings of others around them will help make them aware of so much more that is going on around them.

I teach my kids that it is OK to say "I will play with you if you share, not use bad language, will not scream (insert your choice of offending behavior). Do you promise to do XYZ?"If the child is unwilling to promise or breaks a promise then it is perfectly OK to gather your toys or just simply get up and walk away.
I also have no problem telling other people's children the same thing and if they misbehave, I say: "Sorry, we cannot play with you anymore. Bye-bye." Sometimes a parent interferes late and says "Oh, but Johnny will be nice, won't you baby?" Then I make them spell out exactly how they plan to act, for example: "I will not scream, touch your face, grab the toys. etc. I will take turns, ask politely, not push, etc." I would give a kid one more chance and if he follows rules - he plays; if not, we say good-by.