Teenage Preganancy

You should feel bad, telling her to have an abortion. It looks like everyone else is looking at the positives and having faith but you.

I was 18 when I got pregnant by a loser-good-for-nothing. The 1st words out of my mom's mouth were "you don't know how much you screwed up your life". I struggle every day but I feel better when she tells me she loves me and that i'm so smart. I am raising her well without the support I needed from the biological father and my mother.

I know what you are going thru. My daughter ran away from home at 15 yrs and returned a week later only to find out that she was pregnant. It's a long story, but I want to tell you that I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. I never in my wildest dreams imagined having a daughter that would be a teenage mother. Not to mention that I was too young to be a grandma. I soon realized that my feelings were more about how it affected me and with the Lord's help (and that's the only way I could do it), I accepted the situation and it brought me closer to my daughter like nothing else could. I have learned what it means in the Bible where it says, God can make beauty from ashes, because that is what he has done. I have learned so much from this experience. I believe that people can make foolish decisions, but babies are never a mistake, they are a gift from God. I know you are feeling alot of things right now, probably anger, disappointment, shock, maybe even despair. But please know that you are not alone, many have posted that you can call them for support, and you may call me too. Email me at ____@____.com and I will email you my phone number. Fyi, I now have a grandson too, and they are wonderful and precious. I now love being a grandma.

First - you are great mother for being concerned about your daughter. If I could I would give you a big hug.

There is no turning back the clock. Find a good friend that you can call when ever and lean on them. My girlfriends little sister got pregnant out of wedlock and my friend had a hard time with it. I became her support and was there when ever she needed me. Once the baby came she was able to accept it and now loves the child.

As for your daughter - have her and the boyfriend take parenting classes at the hospital. They helped me out and my husband admitted to learning something. He has even encouraged his friends with pregnant wives to take the class.

I shop a lot at once upon a child (google it they have two locations). It is a second hand shop for baby items. Great place to get things on a shoe string budget. Also look on Craig's list.

Here is another hug.

As a mother, your daughter will soon find out about what it means to have dreams and hopes for your child. As parents we all feel for you knowing you wanted her to have a different life. But as a parent we know how much you love her. Let her know that....your love and support as a grandmother and mom will be all she needs from you. I was one of those who had a baby late in life...my mother was not around for the joys I am experience now with my little one. As most of us know, God laughs when we make plans. The other bloggers have great financial advice and resources...but what your daughter will want most is the love only a mom can give her daughter during this most emotional time.She will soon find out all the hardships and joys of motherhood.
Good luck and congratulations( I know that's what you don't want to hear but one day I hope those words will make you happy).

I cannot say I understand your feelings or emotions but I can say I know what your daughter is going through at this very moment. I became a mom at 18 and although it changed my plans a bit, it did not keep me from reaching some of my goals.

As a parent of 2 now, I know that if I were to ever be in your situation I can do nothing but provide love and support to my kids, just as my parents did for me.

The day I told my father I was pregnant, at 18, all he said to me was "regardless of your decision, we are going to support you". To this very day those words still repeat in my head just as they did the day he said them to me. It's not easy as a parent to realize that your young childs life is changing so much right in front of you but you have to remember that she is an adult now and she is going to have to step-up and be a parent.

My mom told me that I had options and that keeping my baby was not the only one, but deep down both of my parents knew exactly what I was going to do. I moved out, moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and we started our life as a family. I enrolled in WIC and Medicaid and it was something I continue to be grateful for! At the time I was a ful-time college student, went on to transfer to various school but graduated from a major University in just 4 years like any other college student.

The biggest thing I give thanks to each day is not only the blessing of God to have a child, but the love and support my family gave me. It took me moving out and showing my mom that I was taking the right steps for my child before we were able to really get along again. Now, I talk to her daily, she has been there for both of my children beyond my imagination!

I have gone on to be the primary supporter for my now family of 4. Both of my children are surrounded by the love of both sides of the family and that is something that money could never buy!

I do realize that you are shocked, this is not what you anticipated would happen for your daughter, but it is time to set you feelings and desires aside and provide nothing but love and support (and I do NOT mean money) to your daugher, her boyfriend, and this baby. The more that you try to convince your daughter to talk about termination and other options the more she is going to back away from you. I think that you and your husband (once he knows about the pregnancy) need to explain to your daughter that you are not in a situation to help her financially but that you are always going to love her and you are going to support her in her decisions. You need to be there for her and for that baby!

As has been said in other responses, it's not just this generation but people are more aware of what is happening with the younger children. Be happy that she is not any younger and that she has a job and has completed at least High School.

Take a deep breath, find a quiet place to gather your thoughts, go to church if you think that will help, but please remember that children are a gift from God. Your daughter is telling you that she is prepared to move forward with her life and the choices she has made. All you can do now is support her and continue to love her as she journey's through this adventure into parenthood.

Feel free to e-mail me if you would like to have someone for your daughter to talk to who has been through the same situation. I love sharing my story and helping others with theirs. I too have had hardships and it is not a piece of cake, but without the support of my family I would not be where I am today.

Best wishes,
C.

C., this is one of the hardest things a mother has to face I would think. My guess is you're probably pushing your daughter away by insisting that she terminate the pregnancy. Remember, this child is a gift from God and that's how your daughter is probably looking at it and desparately wants you to look at it that way. Besides that all important revelation, it sounds like she's already made up her mind about keeping the baby. In order to preserve your relationship with your daughter, I think instead of pushing on that point, you might consider just embracing your daughter right now. You've told her you can't help financially and I think you need to stick to your guns on that - don't back down. She and her boyfriend want to raise this baby - let them. I think the one thing you and your husband can do (once your daughter tells him - and, yes, your daughter needs to be the one to tell him) is be there for her emotionally and spiritually. You have the experience your daughter does not (even though she may think she does - she'll figure that one out on her own.......lol) and she will need that support more than ever. And whether she realizes it or not she will need your love and understanding and acceptance. That's the one thing every child wants from their mother - their love and acceptance. If you can get over the shock of this generation (and I'm with you - what is it with this generation???), look past that and see your daughter, embrace her and tell her you love her and your're their for her - all will be right. Relax into this new phase of your lives. Next I would say go pick up a Bible and go to 1 Peter 5:7 - this never fails to bring me back to where I need to be and if I actually do what it says needs to be done everything just seems to fall into place. Not trying to preach - I promise - it just helps:-)

Hi C., I just wanted to tell you that, even though it may not seem possible now, you will love this grandchild more than you can imagine, and with your support, your daughter will get through this. I pray that she and her boyfriend have a committed, solid relationshiip and that they will be wonderful parents. I saw that someone mentioned taking your daughter to parenting classes, and I just wanted to reiterate what a necessity this is. Not just the 'taking care of baby' classes at the hospital, but also the more in-depth classes that deal with the developmental stages of infants, toddler and preschoolers. Your daughter will be better prepared if she knows what is ahead...it's not all playing 'house' with her boyfriend, the baby won't be a baby forever and parenting is often stressful and requires a great deal of patience. Get her and her boyfriend to every class you can possibly find and also perhaps if you can find one join a support groups for teen parents and their families. You need to know you're not alone in this...best of luck to you and your daughter!!!

Dear C.,

I just want to send my love and support, and my best hope for your daughter and her new family. I would probably hate this too, but try to keep an open mind -- women used to have babies at 18 and younger as the standard -- it has been a major shift in the last 20-30 years that we see first-time moms like me at 40! :-) We are screwing up the curve and making the 18 year olds seem outrageously young, when throughout history 18 would have been average or on the older side for a new mom... While I am strongly pro-choice, I am pro-choice for the pregnant woman, not for those around her -- if there is anything you can do to increase you faith in your daughter's ability to do something incredibly hard, and to grow through the experience, perhaps in prayer or meditation, or in conversations with others who know her and can be more objective and appreciative of her strengths at this time, focusing on what is strong and whole and powerful about her, perhaps that will help. Watch episodes of the Gilmore Girls!!!

I have seen a friend go through this, and during the pregnancy and right after she said some things that her daughter-in-law has never forgiven, and it has affected her son's ability to spend time with and bond with his son. That child is now the light of my friend's life, and she is very sorry she let her early anguish and horror run her in a way that did a lot of damage not only to her relationship to her son and grandson, but to her son's new family -- I think our job around these exciting, unexpected pregnancies needs to conform to the Hippocratic oath -- first, do no harm. That is, whatever you are feeling, process it in all the places where it is safe to process it without affecting your daughter, as you wisely are here. As you work through your feelings, there may be things that you choose to share with her -- like it does seem very reasonable and smart for you to let her know you won't be able to help with childcare or finances -- she should definitely have no illusions about that. But that you are appalled and devastated, she doesn't need to hear about, or hear any more about than she already has. Good luck with this -- try to see it as not about you -- once the baby is here, it seems to me that that will be easier, but for now you probably will need to talk and write a LOT to friends and those who care about you and don't know your daughter in order to stay strong. You never have to pretend you think this is a good idea, but continuing to urge her to terminate the pregnancy and sharing a lot of detail about how upset you are that she is having the baby WILL come back to haunt you later -- again, watch episodes of the Gilmore Girls! I'm sorry if suggesting a tv show sounds like I am trivializing your situation -- but I do think that "beginning with the end in mind," as Stephen Covey describes one of the Habits of Highly Effective People, would be very, very helpful and calming here. This situation is going to look all kinds of ways, for sure, as this baby comes into the world and grows up. Just like all mothers, your daughter will, at times, think "what the HELL was I thinking when I signed on for this?" and like all mothers, she will, at other times, think "this is the best thing I've ever done." And like everyone who deeply loves a mother, at times, for sure, you will think "I KNEW this was a bad idea," and at other times you will think "I can't believe how right this has been -- I can't picture her or me without this child in our lives..." Watching the Gilmore Girls now might remind you that how you react to this pregnancy, however much it will undoubtedly limit your daughter's life opportunities in certain ways, will continue to affect your relationship with her and her child for the rest of your lives. You don't have to act the part of the excited grandmother AT ALL, but if you keep in mind what things might look like when her child is 18 and what you want your relationship to her and to that child to be then, it might help you to find ways to be genuinely compassionate and supportive to whatever extent you can honestly manage.

For whatever it is worth, having had a child quite late in the game, I often find myself envying the early mothers, who have the energy to keep up with their kids and get to spend their forties rediscovering themselves once they are more interesting people! There is no right time to have a baby, so the right time HAS to be when an adult person says "yes" to nurturing a young life -- parenting and, in our society, mothering in particular, is an act of acceptance, commitment and consent to a burden that one cannot possibly correctly estimate in advance, and cannot divest oneself of, short of drastic means, once it has been taken up. At any age, it is an appalling, almost incomprehensible commitment. At any age, what we need during the all-to-brief period of joyous expectation is support and love from those we hold dear, and a sense of being spiritually upheld that will perhaps come back to us and support u on the hard days. I wish that for your daughter, and for you as well.

Love and blessings,
M.

Ok mama, take a breath. I totally get that this is not the life you were hoping for your girl, and that you see the road ahead is tough. But listen, you have got to pull it together. She can do this. I know it is hard but she has decided to become a mommy and now she will need you more than ever. I don't mean financially, I mean emotionally. She will need love and encouragement throughout her pregnancy and tons of advice once that precious little one shows up. First off, when you are alone or whatever forgive her. You had dreams for her and now those have changed and you must forgive her in your own heart. Seriously that will help you so much in being able to get past your own feelings and focus on her. I know that you are in emotional turmoil right now, but really it will get better. Life might be tough, but when you have an adorable bouncing baby in your arms, it really will be worth it. I would say that she has made her choice to have her baby, and supporting her will make sure that your relationship with her stays intacked through this whole process. Hang in there mom!! You will make it!! PLEASE email me if you need any encouragement. Find a crisis pregnancy center in your area. They can help with FREE parenting classes, clothes, car seats, you name it. You will all do just fine in the end:)

I am a single mother and I have to say that I think it's great that although your daughter is only 18 that she is taking responsibility for her actions. Being a mother is hard and challenging no matter what age you are, but it's also life-changing!!! I'm sure you know that. I know many people that have "terminated" their pregnancies and there are so many more repercussions than people realize...Not only physical but mental. Have faith in your daughter and even if you can't help her out how "you" think she'll need you to, just be supportive of her decision bc that's what she's going to need from you more than anything. I know it's tough, especially when you feel like she's making a mistake, but she's the one who has to live with her decisions. It may take awhile to get use to the whole idea of your baby having a baby, but just think about the miracle growning inside your daughter!!! This is now about them and not you...but just give yourself time to get over the shock of everything and maybe you'll start to feel differently!!!

First off, a BIG hug to you--for all of the sorrow you feel and for your ability to reach out.

Secondly, go ahead and cry! It is so hard when our dreams for others have to change. And, I do mean change--not be destroyed. She may still be able to attain all of the things you have wanted for her--if she chooses them for herself--just in a different way than you had envisioned. Often, these things do work out in glorious ways that we never dared imagine. That is not to say that I think this will be easy for anyone, but that is to say that amazing things come out of the worst of circumstances.

A few things to throw into the ring that I have not seen below--although there are already so many sentiments that I do echo! Your entry leads me to believe that you have a remarkable daughter. She has been in a relationship for 3 years with a young man at a time when most of her peers change boyfriends with great frequency. This tells me that both she and the young man are very committed to each other. Also, since she hated school but finished it anyway, she has shown a true work ethic that is commendable. Both of these qualities will serve her situation immensely.

I agree that many young girls don't have the first clue as to how difficult being a mother can be. However, unless all of her 5 friends who recently became mothers have given up their babies, she will be able to see first hand the realities of motherhood. Also, she will have a built in support team of friends who will truly understand her situation and be able to help her emotionally and in other ways.

Be honest about what she can expect from you, but find a way to be able to offer the help and support that you are able. She needs to be able to find a way to tell her father that he is going to be a grandfather, you might need to help her plan that.

All love and support to you and your (now growing) family!

Where does your daughter live? I know someone who could possibly talk to her. Has she thought about adoption? Please do not let her go through with an abortion. She will regret it for the rest of her life.

I know you may not want your child to be having a baby right now but you must realize that your child needs you by her side more than anything right now. Without your support will ruin the relationship you and her have. Now in today society sometime we now whats best for our kids but the kids dont understand we have been through it and seen it. She will find out on her own how hard it is trying to raise a baby with only a HS diploma let alone I have a degree and it's still hard for me to even get a job. Since your daughter and boyfriend are playing house they really need to talk about marriage they are young but they are living together just like married people do they need to step up stop playing the role of adults and be adults.

Yes, she's young but being pregnant is not the worst that could happen. Support her emotionally as best you can but if you can't help financially right now don't sweat that. She has made the decision and is the one who has to deal with the consequences. It may turn out better than you think but if it doesn't just be there for her because she'll need you to be her mother no matter what.

I am sure this is not an easy situation for you to be going through but I wanted to let you know about a relative of mine.
She got pregnant at 18, kept the baby,
got on WIC( to help with diapers, formula, baby food and dairy for the baby) ,lived with her parents, went to night colege classes , went away to college ( with the baby ) for 2 yrs. ( the college had a campus daycare), graduated ,and then got a masters degree.
All that and while being a teen mom.
Her parents watched the baby at night ,while she went to night classes.
That is a teenage pregnancy story that has a happy ending.
It's not the end of the world.
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel b/c I haven't been there.
Good luck with this.

You say they are llving together...do they plan to marry? If not, her first order of business is to get some legal advice. How much does he like finishing high school? He should at least get a GED. What kind of job does she have? Does is allow for maternaty leave, and if so, how much? What kind of job does he have and do they split expenses 50-50? At 18, she'll make lots of mistakes, but she'll learn how to take care of the baby. A lot depends of how much he wants the baby and if he is willing to do his part with household choirs and childcare. Of course you're going to find yourself helping her, even tho you work fulltime and cannot provide childcare. If his family is so excited, does his mother work and can she help with childcare? I was 19 when my first one came and we managed. Yes, we had family to turn to for baby-sitting, but we pretty well managed on our own. You'll be there to advise when the baby has a fever or a cold and you'll know when the crying is because of teething. Just be sure to back off and let them raise their child, even tho they don't know a thing about it and you have years of experience. Just be there for her/them to protect them from the pitfalls, but some things they have to learn on their own. I have a daughter who was not married and became pregnant and decided to keep the baby who has been a joy to the family. You haven't told your husband? Why? She is his daughter too. Just remind him that #l. it takes two, #2 it's really not his business and #3. it's too late to do anything about it but to accept it as fact.

No lectures from me.

just wanted to tell you that you should be happy she's 18 and not 12 or 13. she's old enough to work, she's old enough to drive. there are plenty of places she can get help even before the baby comes. she really needs to get documentation from her doctor and go apply for WIC, if you don't know about them, check them out. I know welfare is not the answer, but it helps, it will help her with food and they have organizations they work with that can help her get a better paying job, help her with daycare expenses, help her with rent and utilities. she can get on medicaid and not have to worry about prenatal care or paying for the birth. she will also get medicaid for 2 months after the baby is born so she can go for her final 4-6 week checkup and get on whatever birth control she wants at that point.

there are a lot of places that can help her. like i said at the beginning. be glad she's not 12 or 13.

god bless your family,
M.
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I can only think that everybody has their own life and their own timing and way of learning and growing.

Parents, we are there to guide and to love them. Once our kids are out of our hands/house we can only pray, wish and hope they will make good choices.

A baby is a blessing no matter what and I am sure that once the baby arrives you will be very happy.... certainly is not the best timing and not the best circumstances but I have seen teens being much better parents than other grown ups.

Being pregnant is not easy and even if she is putting a happy face she must be full of fear, it is very scary and you know this, everything changes, from your body, your life, the way your friends sees you etc, etc, I do not think I need to tell you all. So, your girl already took her decision, which by the way I admire and aplaude, is not the easy one, for some of us is the correct one. So I would only ask you to put yourself in her shoes.... but really, really think like if you were her and what would you LIKE or want (no expect) from your mother.

Any way, there is not much you can do, just support her and give her lots and lots of love, it is much better to try to be with her than become hostile and negative because then she most likely push you away and you will miss everything is coming.... you better try to look and find positive thinking about it and enjoy the ride.

You will have a beautiful baby that is not your responsability and whenever you have the time and the chance you can spoil and that little baby will LOOOOOVE YOU!!!

I LOOOOVE MY GRANDMOTHER, SHE WAS MOTHER TO ME AND LOOSING HER HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT AND SAD TIME OF MY LIFE. I think constantly of her and remember all the time all the beautiful times we had together.

All the time, see everything through the eyes of love and the things won't be as hard and difficult as you think.

As for the practical side. Haven't you notice that somehow everything works out one way or another. Don't worry, the coming baby is NOT your responsability you will help WHEN and IF you can.

Happiness, joy, love, all is coming your way!

C., hang in there.

Remember that your sweet daughter is now an adult and is to be HIGHLY commended for deciding to keep the baby. other girls would take the easy way out and get rid of the little angel. we all take missteps in our lives and this is hers.

i know that for the moment, this is completely shocking, but look at the biiiiig picture and know that she is bringing in a new life to this world that will bless many, including you.

Continue supporting and loving her as you had been. It's all going to be OK.

C.,
Let me start by saying I was an 18 year old mom. I had no support from my family. I wasn't looking for financial support just emotional. It was very hard and I had a worthless "husband" that was 9 years older. You have no idea how much it hurt to not be able to have my parents to call on for encouragement. You have done the right thing in letting her know that you are not able to support financially or keep the baby. That is not your job. This is a decision she and her boyfriend have made. It is up to them to figure it out. If she wants to act grown then she needs to be grown. Your job should be to love your grandbaby and keep a watchful eye on them and make sure the baby is not mistreated. Some young people don't realize the pressure and some tend to break. That boyfriend will probably leave and she will go back and forth and YOU need to encourage her. Not by taking up the slack, just be there for her. Please don't talk about abortion. Some people never get over going thru that. It is something that can haunt you for the rest of your life. Right now things are exciting for her and she has no idea what she is in for. So remember that adoption can be done after the baby is here if it gets to be too much for her. Plus once you see and hold that precious baby, you will feel horrible for trying to encourage an abortion.

I do have to say that having my 2 older children young was great for me. I realized that I wanted only the best for them. It made me work hard (at one time 3 jobs) and they have a great life. It can be done with faith! I wouldn't have changed anything! My dream was to go to college and you know what, I will one day. My son is now 18!

Take care and PRAY!!!

Congratulations! A grandbaby is someone to really celebrate. Your daughter just needs your emotional support right now. This will help her to grow up one way or another. I'm sure she knew the chance she and her bf were taking. She accepted that responsiblity.
I know I got my act together pretty quick when I became responsible for my baby. She will too. Since she's decided to raise the baby, I'd definitely drop any discussion of any other options for fear of becoming estranged from her at this critical time in her life. She's gonna need her mom and not necessarily financially. I know that if my mother let me know in any way shape or form that she wasn't happy about my child, I'd never forget it.