Hi, my son is 16, tall, handsome, seemingly happy, but a loner. He used to be very outgoing and had a lot of friends in elementary school, sort of the class clown but somewhere in the middle school years he began staying home more and more often. He is currently in high school. He has a job, participates in one team sport at school but rarely, maybe 6 times a year, goes out with friends. He tells me he is happy and just likes staying home, enjoys recharging on his own. I have worried off and on over the years but had pretty much let it go. Just yesterday my daughter told me that someone made a comment on the bus about my son having no friends. She wasnt sure if he was joking or not but it made me wonder if my son is okay after all. He doesn't want my help so I dont think there is much I can do anyway. He tells me he's very happy. He is his own person so I suppose it could be true. I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything.
If he's doing well in school and doesnt appear to be unhealthily depressed, I'd say he's just being who he is.
We arent all socialites.
I have a 16 year old too. She is not a social butterfly. She has her circle of a few close friends that she hangs out with, and other kids at school that she considers friends but doesn't really make plans with socially. She enjoys going to Starbucks with a friend, but she doesn't make friend plans every weekend. Your son is involved in a team sport and he works. My daughter is active with 4H, involved in afterschool clubs, and on weekends, she spends a lot of time on schoolwork/studying/test prep and rides her bike (like 20-30 mile rides). At this age, they need to manage their own social lives, and we need to accept that they are not all going to be the most popular kid in school.
Some children are happy being loners. We are all 3 pretty much loners at my house and we are very successful. Of course we have social activity but we don't feel the need to be socializing all the time.
Our work is high pressure because we run our own company and are dealing with all types of manufacturers all the time. We love downtime on the weekends, etc to be home, cook, chill out and not worry about things.
My 17 yr old daughter is very social and active at school, cheerleader etc but she values her weekend downtime to study, re-charge and gear up for the week.
I personally don't see an issue with a loner unless you pick up some sort of depression. It sounds like he is active with school, etc and he just likes his "me" time like many of us do.
I think I posted this somewhere else but here it is again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4
The power of introverts. Watch it and don't worry. <3
One thing you mentioned..... "recharging on his own" .......
If he is an introvert, he can learn to cope with all the "demands" on his attention, emotions, etc.... but recharges by being alone.
An extrovert, on the other hand, finds that being with people recharges them.
He may just be an introvert.... he does expend the energy to cope in school, and go out occasionally, and through the team sports, but needs the alone time to recharge his batteries.
http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extro...
The link above gives some interesting insight on how the brain works differently with introverts vs. extroverts.....
While this is a change from his early years, he may have been "copying" other kids behavior, trying to figure out how to fit in, but finally decided to be who he is naturally.
I would watch for possible signs of depression, though.....
As an outgoing introvert... After school AND working AND coming home to a family dinner / hangout time AND sports... you'd only find me in one place:
Curled up in the bottom of a filing cabinet with a flashlight and a good book filed under "Yikes! I'm not really here, close the drawer, please".
Or more realistically the slightly larger shape of my room.
I LOVE people. But there is no way on gods green earth I would go to school, go to work, hang out with my family, do my sports (and yeah, I'm a sports person, too0 and then on top of that seek out MORE time with people except for maybe once or twice a month (max), and more realistically every couple months. My brain would shut down.
School
Work
Sports
Family
is a VERY full social calendar. Even taking 1:4 out is still a super full social calendar.
I wouldn't be worried at all if he says he's happy.
Not everyone needs to run with a pack.
Your son seems to be on track for really blooming in college.
There's a lot of immature nonsense that goes on in high school and hanging at home a lot of the time skips a lot of it.
I wouldn't worry about him.
He's fine!
I think if he were depressed he would be failing in school, quitting sports and not thriving at his job. If he is succeeding at everything else I wouldn't worry. He obviously would succeed at being popular if he chose to do so. My daughters are much younger but I can see a huge difference in their personalities. One thrives off of constant interaction and attention and the other plays well with other kids for a time and then happily goes off on her own to play by herself for hours. She LOVES playing alone and is a much quieter child. She gets stressed out when there are too many people around for too long a time. I keep her birthday parties short and fewer people etc... She is definitely more introverted and just needs that peace and quiet time to herself. If I were you I would just be observant of how he is doing in everything else. If he does get depressed I think you would typically see a marked change in behavior, grades etc...
One of my best friends in school was a loner boy. He wasnt popular, but he wasnt really labeled at all. Most people left him alone. He COULD have been popular, but he was smart and very self assured. He didnt want to play those games. He was interested in girls, but disliked most of the shallow, or insecure girls in school as well. We were friends manly because of our interests. We tried to have a relationship, but quickly realized that he and I were just better as friends. He always was alone, and NOT afraid to be so. He had confidence, and brains. Very smart, and not depressed at all. He loved to mountain climb, run, and nature. He loved survivalist type things. He had a few guys he would hang with occasionally for school functions, and they were in the higher cliques. So I think that also helped keep bullies and dorks away. His parents were always bemoaning that he was on drugs, he was gay, he was sick, he was mentally unstable. I heard some of it when I was over. If I came to his house, his mother descended on me like a vulture, about how we should date, and go to prom, and can I change his "likes" to girls. Oi no wonder he graduated early and went across the country to go to school.He never seemed depressed. He went on to marry, be a rocket scientist (literally he develops and works on formula's for space travel fuel for Nasa) and is very well balanced. We still chat, but dont really meet up anymore. I dont like his wife, and he doesnt like my husband HAHA
Some people are just homebody's. That's okay.
Does he have just one friend? He does need someone he can talk to. It does sound like he socializes on occasion. If he has one friend I wouldn't really worry. If he has no one he talks to, then yeah..... I would worry.
I have a daughter that is so much like your son, I totally understand how you feel. I find it very, very difficult on Friday and Saturday nights when she is just hanging around the house and ok with it. I feel like most kids are out all the time except her!
She seems very happy. She has excellent grades, plays sports all year round. It's very frustrating. My son is also very similar to her. He is a 11.
But I guess the bottom line is that if they are happy, we should be happy.
one bit of advice you have not yet received. Ask his manager at work and his teachers, coaches and counselors at school. He may be very social in his other settings and truly needs the downtime to recharge. If they all say he seems withdrawn or anti social, then worry.
