Tell Me

He didn't call and was kind of rude -- NOT a good beginning. It will only get worse from here. Drop it.

yeah, I think you should try to step back and wait. don't jump into a new relationship right away. wait until you're divorced at least.

I was 21 and single with TWO kids but when I read that my mind is screaming HONEY GROW UP!! This isn't a negative thing and I hope you don't take it as such... just speaking from experience.

Your son has been through enough right now, and I'm all for love and relationships, but you shouldn't even be worried about why this guy is being standoffish. Trust me, no matter how fast things are going with this new guy, HE DOES NOT MATTER MORE TO YOU THAN YOUR SON!!... and you need to start acting like it.

I'm only saying these things because I'VE BEEN THERE. Be there for your child. You need to go super slow with this new guy anyway... your number one priority and focus needs to be on how your son is handling the already chaotic upheaval of his life as he knows it. The 2's are hard enough on a toddler as it is... please don't make it harder on your baby boy.

I know this isn't what you want to hear... it just pains me when I hear young ladies making some of the mistakes I've made in the past. I'm only 27, so I'm still within your age group as far as years go, but I've matured far past my years. I have a very old heart and soul.

If this guy isn't talking to you, let it go. Focus 100% on your son, your divorce, learning who you are, and moving forward as a single parent. You might hate me right now for saying all this, but I speak out of compassion, and I trust that ONE DAY you'll know I'm right :)

Not to be rude, but I can't help but wonder if you even read any of the responses to your last question...

I've read your other questions. I have a few words for you. Immature is one. Stupid is another. Selfish comes to mind. Dangerous behavior is big on the list. And if that bothers you, maybe you should talk to a counselor and see what they say about the way you are living. A small child is depending on you and my guess is, you are spending way more time having sex with a near stranger who doesn't want a child than you spend with your child. I'm watching this movie play out and the ending isn't pretty. Get some help now before you distroy your child and your future. Chances are you won't tho,, instead you'll be back here in a month asking what to do now that you're pregnant again the guy hasn't called in 3 weeks. I'd like to think this is a fake/joke you get a thrill asking us, but unfortunately it happens every day and children suffer.

i would consider my two year old son my "man" for awhile. that is your FIRST and TOP priority. stop dating. get your priorities straight. you're 21 years old and have a child. it's time to grow up. you are now a single mom. for his sake, be a mom first and put men out of your head. you were only married to your husband for 2 years, you are now in "the process" of divorce (meaning NOT divorced), and you've already been sleeping with someone for 6 weeks. not cool at all.

be a mom.

and ps, everyone on here is right. don't ask the question if you're not going to listen. YOU are in the wrong, here. for your child's sake it needs to stop. how can you have been a mom for 2 whole years and he NOT be your first concern? that's right, his dad took care of him.

BE A MOM.

Elle,

You posted a similar question on the 6th - please review those responses. From what I am reading the situation has not changed.

Now I have a couple of questions for you -

While you were getting "hammered" on your 21st birthday, where was your son?

Where is your son when you see this "man"? According to you he "is never really around when my son is there or he is asleep".

So, you have a sex partner, that comes over after your child is asleep.

This is not a relationship.

Get your divorce finalized - all you are doing is feeding ammunition that can be used against to you to your ex-husband - imagine explaining to the judge that you are a fit mother whilst you have men sneaking into your house to have sex after your child is asleep. I mean, really, think about this.

Get your priorities in order - son, son, son son - repeat as needed. Your son should be your only priority right now.

Good Luck
God Bless

Elle,

Please dedicate your time to your child and getting your current marriage dissolved before jumping into another disaster. Like it or not your are mixed up with a guy who just wants to "get hammered" and have sex with you or anyone else who is convenient.

You want to do right by your self, do right by your child, lay off the drinking, partying, and don't even think about another serious relationship for at least a year.

If your child's father isn't interested in seeing his son, then at least see that he is ordered to pay child support. Elle, pay attention to the business of being a single parent.

Blessings......

#1 = your child. No SO is worth more than your child's well-being & emotional stability.

If you're getting drunk, if you're chasing down your date....then your child is NOT your #1.

Peace.

Why not wrap up the failed marriage before plunging into a new relationship?

Right now your child needs to be the most important man in your life. Whether or not he is "not around" or "sleeping" when you date.

I would tell him you think it might be best to take a step back, not because of how you feel or don't feel about him, but because your divorce is not finalized. Then move forward with getting that taken care of and see if you still want to move forward with your friend afterwards.

If nothing else, your soon-to-be ex could use a relationship (or even a potential one) as fuel for getting his way more in divorce proceedings.

Sweetheart, you are looking for the brain and body rush that comes with new love, and sex, and alcohol or other mood-altering drugs. It is normal to desire those things – we all want to feel good. But "self-medicating" in those ways can simply keep you from examining what needs healing in your emotional landscape.

So, as good as those feelings can be, what's even better are the simple satisfactions that come when we're handling our lives responsibly and doing the best we can by the children we have brought into the world. You may have to train yourself to notice those feelings, and learn to shrug at all the ubiquitous messages that suggest sex and an adoring partner is where it's at.

Those media messages are seductive, and they do sell product. Don't let them sell you, too, or the very precious time you can have with your two-year-old boy. Get high on him! He's a wonder, and these amazing days of his little life will not come again. The love you feel for him will be new every day, because he's a new person every day. Don't miss out on that!

He needs you to be his mommy right now, next week, and for the coming years. Don't drag men through his life who will confuse him, ignore him, or love him and abandon him (my mom did this when I was young, and at 63, I still deal with the aftereffects).

I'm not suggesting there should never be a man in your life. But you married very young, and you may need time yourself to heal from the negatives that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, or even choosing that man in the first place. If counseling is available to you, I strongly recommend you do that – it will help you heal and establish healthy priorities and boundaries.

My best to you and your little boy. For the past 5 years, I've had the amazing pleasure of participating in my grandson's life, and he is a constant joy and wonder.

Back away from the new love interest. Back away from the alcohol. All you're looking at right now is trouble. You're in the middle of a divorce with a two year old child and if your husband found out you got hammered and are in a relationship before the divorce is final, he could use that against you.

Why make things more complicated right now? Let this time be about getting your life squared away without a husband and getting things settled for your son. A new man shouldn't be part of the mix right now.

I know this probably sounds judgmental but you sound like a high school freshman wondering "OMG he kissed me! does he like me? Should I call him or should I wait for him to call me? But then he did this and I want to do this and OMG...." And I know this is blunt but this is all so immature and your son deserves better. If you keep things going the way they are right now, you're going to end up being a single mother to a toddler and a newborn and neither will have fathers that want to be in the picture.

You should be wanting to handle things like a responsible adult now. Your son deserves it.

At the age of 21 - you have a whole lotta living in front of you.

This is rebound sex - rebound relationship. LET HIM BE!

Instead of begging this other guy for attention - let him be rude to someone else. Don't be his stepping stone and DO NOT wait around for him.

DO NOT start another relationship any time soon. Get on your own two feet - if you don't have a college education - get one. If you don't have a full time job - get one, unless your ex is paying you a good deal of alimony....

Get to know yourself BEFORE you get into ANY other relationship.
Realize what went wrong in your marriage so you don't repeat the same mistake in your next relationship.
DO NOT HAVE ANY UNPROTECTED SEX!!!!

Stop drinking. Guarantee you that you aren't setting a good example for your son.

You have your child to consider first. I think that if this guy can't even return your call and act like a man, then he's not right for you or your child. He's a rebound that needs to be bounced off. You should focus on yourself and your kid for a while instead.

I read the responses to your last question and agree with most of those. This guy is not ready for the type of committment that you need because of your wonderful son and while your son doesn't see him, it is possible for your ex to use him against you if he finds out what has been going on.

I would say you need to back away from this guy slowly and chalk it up to fun while it lasted. He is only going to make things confusing for you and eventually for your son.

Take your time on this...you are going too fast. You don't want to hurt yourself or your son! Heal yourself first!

I'm not sure why you continue to ask basically the same question (this is the third one) when you apparently don't want the advice. You continue to act in exactly the way that everyone is advising you not to!
You have gotten so many wonderful, thoughtful suggestions from a group of very caring and experienced moms on this site. Instead of listening to us you just keep behaving like a teenager. As a matter of fact you are acting exactly the way my own mother did. She started having kids at 19 (by 3 different dads over a period of eight years) and was NEVER able to put our needs before her own.
I feel sorry for your son, I'm afraid he's a child being raised by a child. I hope to God you are at least using birth control.
FORGET the guy and focus on yourself and your little boy!

It seems like your looking for love in all the wrong places. Everything that you NEED is right there, your son!! Everything that you WANT, should take a back seat. You need to close the chapter with you ex before opening another. I'm not judging you at all, but the decisions that your making are leading you on a path that I'm not sure that your ready for. As far as this guy is concerned, screw him!! I doubt if he has your best interest at heart anyway. Your going to do what you want to do anyway, I just hope that you think about your son first.

From one hot mess to another hot mess...

You are moving at a very fast pace. Right now the only thing you should be focused on is taking care of you and your son, getting your life on the right track taking time to heal and being there for your son because I'm sure that your divorce is not easy for him either especially if he's use to having his father in the home.

You are so young...and before you get mad, hear me out....I was you...Many years ago. I had my first child when I was 21. I was so so so immature, I had so much growing up to do...bu luckily for my own well being ( and my new son) I decided pretty early on in my little guys life that he came first and that I would do the best I could to be the best mom to him...having a child made me realize I could no longer be selfish. Now you have a TON of advice from very wise women, who only want to see you succeed. This "man" you have let into your life has no respect for you...dump him and move on. Start focusing on your little man and working on having pride in yourself.

I agree with all of the responses below! It's not about you--at all! It's only about the well-being of your son!

Sorry, but I think you should be more concerned with your 2 yo than worrying about this rebound guy that won't last! You guys aren't even divorced yet! I think you have some maturing to do.

You are hoping for a pot of gold in a thistle patch.

There are too many things going on with you...your divorce is a biggie.
Getting involved with someone too soon like this rarey ends without someone's feelings getting hurt.
You're young. You need to examine the things in your marriage that didn't work and figure out, on your own, what real happiness means for you.
In the meantime, you have a precious child to focus on and make a priority.

I would be proactive and preemptive at this point. No lunch necessary.
I would tell him that you need time to get things sorted out and if he's still interested down the line when you've got it all worked out, you may be willing to talk to him more about things then.

Just my opinion.

Imagine going to court in a few months for the custody of your son......and you're pregnant with another man's child. People lie in court all the time to get what they want. Try hiding that one. Is this man worth losing your SON over?
Now, I realize this may not happen. On the other hand, it could. Are you willing to take that risk?
I know women can come across a little harshly at times, and you've definitely gotten the third degree for ignoring all previous advice and continuing on with this relationship that we all know is a bad idea. We're not doing it to be mean. We're doing it because we know how much it hurts to go through something similar to what you're doing (some of us moms have gone through the EXACT same thing) and we're desperately trying to save you from the same. We know that he has good qualities that keep you coming around. Every guy does.Unfortunately for you and your son, they're not good enough.
Break up with this guy. He is not good for you. He might saddle you with another baby and you don't seem to know how to be a good mother with only one. You can change that. Start being smarter. Kick this guy out of your life. You'll be sad for a little while, but at least you won't be knocked up again.

Get your priorities in the right order. Your son is the only one that you should be focusing on, not some loser guy. You are a mom first, everything else comes second. Your young, what's the rush to jump into another dead end relationship? You are still married. Kick this guy to the curb, and be the mom to your son that he deserves, he depends on you to take care of him, so do the right thing. Men will come and go, but your child will always be your child.

It's a rebound relationship for you, probably because you're getting the attention and the 'new relationship' feelings/sex that you hadn't been getting from your husband.

It sounds like it's a booty call for him.

Give it some time and slow things down before you get hurt or you get pregnant again.

hm. despite the title of your post, i think you really don't want to be told. you were pretty much told it all in your last question.
khairete
S.

I think you are lonley and you are scared. It's easy for all of us outside folks to see the writing on the wall, because we are detached from it and we have all been there in one way or another.

I think in your heart you know the right answer, because you would have never come to this site and asked two questions pertaining to the same subject if there weren't a bunch of red flags popping up everywhere.

Love yourself first, because your child will learn quickly how much value their Mommy thinks she has. Once you love yourself, you will realize that you are worth way more than what you are getting right now.

Have you ever heard of the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It is a really cheesy book that came out about ten years ago, but I have to admit, it was fairly empowering. I think you might benefit from reading it...

yeah, moving too fast. slow down.

Totally listen to Rachel D, the girl has got it goin' on, and so can you!

:)

You should just worry about your son and the fact that his father hasn't seen him in a month and how confused he may be. Your son should be number one and it doesn't sound like he is. You have obviously had your child very young and probably missed a lot of fun but this is not your time anymore it's your sons. Ditch the dude . If I were to divorce the last thing I would want in my life right away was another man....

Hi Mama
100% agree with Amom2 below so I won't repeat.
All the best
B.

Sounds like a rebound to me. Chill out with it, don't worry over it and see what happens, definitely keep your clothes on, sex will only make things way too intense and confusing and possibly land you with another child and no man, not a good path to follow girl. I think telling him you want to totally cool things off until your divorce is final would be very wise. It is so tempting to jump out of one thing and into another but the heart needs time to process and of course, you don't want to introduce anyone to your son right now or spend much time with anyone that would take up energy that needs to be devoted to your son. My advice is cool things way off, go the friends route and see what develops in TIME. Good luck!

The writing is on the wall! If you don't end this, he will. Be the first. Move on before you get hurt and don't look back. He isn't the one. The fact that he doesn't want to be a dad is a deal breaker. You deserve better and so does your son. There is someone out there for you. Wasting your time with losers is keeping you from finding him.