Ok I have been with my husband for 7 yrs and married for 1 yr (but have been friends with him for 10yrs) and we have a 3 yr old little girl and one on the way. My husband has a daughter from another women in which there was no relationship....His daughter is now 9 yrs old and we have wanted to tell her that he was her father for a long time but her mother was married to the man that my step daughter thought was her dad. The other man always said that he didnt want to be around when we told her that my husband was her father because he didnt want her to be mad at him well her mothers husband passed away about 1 1/2 yrs ago and since her two children have lived with their grandparents because my step daughters mother just decided she wanted to do what she wanted well now we have come to the point where she says we can tell my step daughter the truth and I am looking for any advise on how we should tell her as I dont want to ruin her life and we have wanted to tell her since she was born but was not allowed to!!!!!!!
For all that were asking we did have a relationship with her from the time she was little she seen us almost everyday and loved us like no other everytime we would come over she would tell her mother that she needed to put her best cloth on etc. because we were coming as far as since her dad pasted away we havent got to see her so much because the grandparents which are the mothers parents dont really let anyone see the girls. As far as her coming to live with us that would be her decision at this pont we are only seeking visitation bc we do not want to take her from her other sister who is also going to through alot at this time but we are willing to take both girls on our visitations as to not leave out the younger sister who also lost her dad and (her mom) to say.
She's only 9 so I think the truth would be good for her to hear right now and not to wait any longer.
She's old enough to understand it if given to her in the correct context.
I wouldnt make an issue of the "lie" that she was fed... leave that out.
She wont want to know "real details" until she gets older.
WOW - this is really a tough situation. My husband had the same problem, and even wanted to introduce my husband to his son and tell him that he was his uncle. Of course my husband said NO - he was not going to be part of her lie. So now, 16 years later, his son found out and is suffering. It is awful, and there is really nothing that we can do. She still will not allow him to see us, but he does know who his real father is. She is a controlling ____ (you can fill in the blank). Anyways, I think the sooner the better!! And just be honest with her and tell her that you have always wanted her to be a part of your life. It kind of surprises me that her mother is letting you guys be the ones to break it to her. I hope that all goes well. I know that this is a tough situation to be in. I will be praying for you guys!!
Let your husband handle it. He needs to sit face-to-face with her and her mother only and explain it. All. And he needs to show respect for the man she thinks was her dad, of course. Is he supporting this child? Does he want some rights? Visitation? Responsibilities? Custody? He needs to explain that as well.
He should be prepared. He is going to rock her world. Good luck.
Whoa... what a tangled web!
She is going through a MAJOR transition here and I have to ask you this question... is your husband looking to "parent her" and have her come live with you? Or is he looking to just tell her the truth about the situation. If you are considering having her live with you, consider that this would also mean losing her sister.
Who does she think your husband is now? What is her interaction in her life? Do you see her regularly and she thinks you are friends of her parents? If so, this is not the right time to lay the truth on her. She's young and has lost (essentially) both of her parents and her home in a very short period of time.
I would strongly suggest reaching out to the grandmother regularly and get a feel for when things have settled for her. Keep in mind that if you tell her the "truth" she is going to be very very angry at all of you for lying. If you tell her the truth, you need to immediately enlist a therapist to help her through all of this.
What is your ultimate goal here? I think you need to figure that out before telling her anything at all. If you are looking to become her parents, then the conversation would be very different than "guess what... but you are still going to have a non-parental relationship with him".
Think this through and be very sensitive to the timing. Take your cues from the people who know her best- the grandparents and talk with her when the time is more settled. Have a plan for "what will happen next" and be aware that she will likely be very very confused and angry!
Okay, I'm a little bit confused.... have you and your husband had any relationship with this little girl at all? Isn't her mom the person that she has had the longest running, deepest relationship with up to this point? If so, I think her mom should be the one to share this information with her.
Before she talks to her daughter, I would suggest the 3 of you get together and go over how information should be delivered. Something along the lines of, "Family takes many forms," and "A father is someone who loves you, cares for you and raises you, but a father can also be someone who you share genes with," or something like that.
The 3 of you may also want to consult with a child psychologist about this issue to get some direction from her/him about how to approach this subject with your stepdaughter, the steps you can take before sharing the information that will put her a better frame of mind to be able to receive what you want to tell her, and whatever follow up messures should be taken to insure that she has the emotional support that she is probably going to need to take this all in.
How she reacts to this information depends on a lot of things. She's old enough now to understand most of what this is all about but she may need some time to process all of this information. If she is an easy going kid, she maybe like, "Oh, okay." If she is more tempermental, then she may feel some sense of anger or resentment. Or she could have suspected all along that her stepdad was not really her bio dad all along.
I hope this helps. I think consulting with a child psychologist would be a really good idea before you share all of this info with her, especially since her mom is having issues with her already. This is just what I think would be best.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.
that's a touchy one. I would say it should also probably better take place with YOUR HUSBAND and the family she knows and trusts (grandparents, with bio dad there only). I grew up without my dad, but to find out my dad wasn't my dad after all....yeah i'd be pissed and would hurt my relationships with my family BIG TIME. she may take it as being lied to since day one, she may gladly accept the reality etc.
how comfortable is your husband with talking to her about this? would it be better to ask grandparents to tell and dad just be there during the conversation
i agree with the previous posts, this is a VERY touchy subject, and i would be VERY careful about timing. get to know her first and know what kind of resentment or feelings she may have. she knows right now her dad is dead, and O BTW!! your dad didn't die, he wasnt your dad at all we all lied to you-we love you! may be how she takes it. my oldest step daughter went through the same thing =kinda
TAKE YOUR TIME there is no rush, pray about it and let god lead the way... however, i'd strongly advise against "I'm your dad, come live with me" kind of approach (took me 5+ years after meeting my dad again to be comfortable riding in the same car with him, didn't decide until 15 years later, that i would've perfered growing up with my dad, but i was too young to understand)
good luck with that one!
You and your husband need to make a plan about what it is he wants to do. This should include everything. If he is willing to take this child full time, if he just wants to have joint custody or if he just wants her to know.
Then he needs to be realistic that the above does not matter, his daughter is the one that is going to need some of the control and be able to decide what it is she wants and needs. It is good to have a plan either way.
I think your husband and this girls grandparents need to have sit down alone and have a conversation about how to handle all of this. Your husband should explain what he is willing to do, how much of a relationship and care he is willing to give, but he needs to also explain that he is willing to follow this girls needs and wants first.
I wonder if this girl is in any kind of therapy. She certainly would need it even without what she is about to be told. Maybe your husband could speak with her therapist to get suggestions. Your husband may want to speak with a family counselor anyway, just so they can give him some guidance in case this does not go well anyway. I would guess any rejection for him will also be heartbreaking..
Love your husband. Be his cheerleader. This is a very traumatic time for all of you.
I hope that it all goes well. But it is always better to just be willing to accept it good bad or ugly. Stay strong for all of them.
Yes, by all means the child needs to know the truth. NOW! The real issue here is how, and who should be the one to tell the child. It should NOT be you, it should be the father, and hopefully with the child's grandparents there, for comfort since they are the people that she is closest to at this point. This poor child has lost her father, at least the man she was lead to believe was her father, and now her Mother has walked away from her and her sister? I will NEVER understand how a Mom could do such a thing, especially at a time like this when your kids need you so much! Anyway, she is already hurting and probably feeling like she has nobody. If she is told that yes, she has a Dad who loves her, and ALWAYS has, that may eventually make her feel better. Let her know that you understand that the man who she lived with and knew as her father will always feel like her Dad, and you respect him and are thankful to him for doing such a great job in caring for your child when you couldn't be there, and that you are in no way trying to take his place. You just want her to know that you are out there, and love her. You always have, and have wanted to tell her all along but couldn't. Now you can. She can decide what she wishes to do with the information and how she wants your relationship to be from there on out. Tell her that you will be there for her in whatever capacity that she needs or wants you to be, and mean it. Also let her know that you will be there for her sister, even though you are NOT her father too. (you cannot expect her to walk away from her only other relative at this point) Them simply give her time to process this and go through all of her emotions. Please do not blame her mother for not telling her sooner. Try to figure out some other reason like your Mom and I were not in a relationship and she had a great guy, (your other Dad) and he was very willing to be your hands on Daddy, etc. Placing more blame on her Mom at this point will only hurt the child more in the end. She will have so much rage against her, and kids always find some way to blame themselves for everythiing their parents do, so in some way she will find a way to make this her fault. Trust me, she has enough anger towards her Mom at this time, just for her walking away. I am currently the "Mom" of my 9 yr old nephew, and my 7 yr old niece, all because their parents could not deal. I have had them for 6 yrs, and will have them until they are adults. They see their Bio Dad, but don't even get calls from the Bio Mom anymore. They will always find a way to make it their own fault. You can simply tell her that you wanted to be a part of her life, but thought that she was better off thinking that the other man was her Dad becuse he lived with her and her Mom and he was so good to her. You didn't want to confuse her. Now you see what a HUGE mistake that was. Kids always like to hear that adults can make mistakes too. It teaches them it is ok to screw up, and actually admit when you do. Oh yeah, and the most important part, when you do make a mistake, it is very important that people FORGIVE you. Maybe it takes time, but the ones who love us eventually do forgive us, and always will. That is what family is all about. Good luck. This is a really hard one! Just be prepared to be the Dad that she wants and needs. If she asks you to be there for her, you have to now. :)
Tell her her real dad and what's the real story.
Wow, that poor little girl lost her Daddy then her Mommy too. Very sad.
My daughter is from a previous relationship. I have been with my husband since she was 1. She's almost 7 years old. As far as she can remember, my husband has always been in her life. She calls my husband and her bio father Daddy. She's never questioned who's her "real dad" or anything like that. To her she just has two dad's and that's pretty cool. Well, this summer one of her friends asked her in front of me who her real dad was. She had this confused look on her face and said, "Daddy! Daddy Joe! Meaning my husband." So after that I decided I should talk to her to let her know what people meant when they asked who her "real dad" is. I explained to her that when she was born God gave her to me and her other Dad (that's what she calls her bio Dad) but when Mommy met Daddy, he loved her soooo much that he became her Daddy too. So, to other people since God gave her to me and her other Dad, people would call him her real dad. But to us, they both love her so much that they are both her real dad (hard for people to understand who aren’t in this situation).
Obviously our situation is different than yours but I would do something similar. What I wanted to stress to my daughter is how much both of her Daddy's love her. So your husband could explain that God gave her to him and her Mommy but her other Daddy loved her so much too that they both became her Daddy. She's older than my daughter so she might have more questions but it's hard to predict what that might be. Maybe she'll just accept it and be so happy to learn she still has a parent that wants to be in her life. Regardless how your husband decides to speak to her about this, she needs to have some counseling. She's been through a lot. I also hope that you two stay active in her life. Good luck, A.!
If you all are complete strangers, then I would write her a letter explaining all your choices & your decisions. I would let her know what you would like for the future, but give her the chance to decide for herself. Then leave it open stating that if she has any questions or would like to meet, you would love too. this way, she has time to process the information without people staring at her, but she should have good support people at home to help her if she does have a hard time with it. Oh, & be ready for those tough questions, like if you are my dad, why didn't you fight to be with me? etc... Best of Luck and if you can afford it, I'd have her start counseling just to be able to talk & process all the losses & surprises.
