I have a 4.5 year old boy that screams, punches, kicks and cries whenever it's time to come in from playtime with his friends. He is obsessed with his friends, talking about them morning noon and night and screams about wanting to go play with them from 6am until he falls asleep at night. He is obsessed with any noise outside because it "might be a friend" and I cannot use the restroom or take a shower without him opening the doors to run outside and "check" to see if his friends are there. He plays with his friends about 1-4 hours most days, but there are a couple days a week he doesn't play with them due to circumstance (such as his older friends being at school). Each day, I advise him that he can go out to see if his friends are home once he has picked up something specific (his toys or today for instance, a pile of cheerios that he dumped on the carpet). He has never just done it, though my husband have tried different tactics, such as helping, time out, playing a pick up game, talking it out. Some times, after several hours he will finally do it if his friends start banging on the door and I tell them he cannot play until his chore is done. As I have said before, when playtime is finished, he freaks out. This happened when he was in day care also, we would have to chase him down and carry him out of day care. He doesn't seem to take notice that it really freaks his friends out that he screams, cries, runs, punches me, does whatever he can to not have to go home. A lot of times when it's his friends turn to leave first, he still at least cries, and then runs off from me saying he wants to play by himself. This behavior extends to stores (can't take him into any store without him immediately running across the store), parks, other people's houses, every where. This kid is the king of the castle because I am scared to death of what it will require to discipline him or make him listen. No amount of reasoning, talking to as an adult, talking to as a child, time out, or taking things away have ever helped. My husband and I are at a loss. I just want the best for him and want him to feel happy and secure around us and in being himself while learning boundaries. Any suggestions?? Please help.
Have you talked to his pediatrician about his obsessions and behaviors?
Insist that the dr consider recommending an evaluation, or switch doctors.
Have you talked with your pediatrician about this behavior? I don't believe this behavior is "normal." I don't think this is just independence. Have you ever wondered if there is something else going on with him? Does he have quirks his friends don't seem to have? (Other then everything you described here.) I'm not at all trying to sound harsh, but I really think you should seek professional help. A child behavioral specialist, or whatever your pediatrician might recommend. If nothing else, they could help you cope with his behaviors. They can also help teach you how to deal with him and manage him.
First of all
get a lock for the tops of your doors that go to the outside or use key locks for the inside locks on your doors. He should NEVER be allowed to open an outside door at any time,without you.. This is a safety risk for all of you.
Get this done ASAP.
For the tantrums..
I am assuming you have tried to give him a time limit? and a countdown?
Let him know what is next. and what is about to happen.
"You can play with your friends for 1 hour and then you will need to put away the toys." "If you throw a fit, you will not be able to come out and play after nap. "
"Tell me what I just said." He will need to repeat the plan to you.
45 minutes into playing.. Call him over and tell him.
'In 15 minutes, we will need to start putting the toys away so we can go back inside.' "Tell me what I just said."
"In 10 minutes, you will need to start putting your toys away.. "
"Ok, you now have 5 more minutes to finish playing, then we will begin putting toys away. Tell me what I just said. "
"Ok, time to start putting the toys away.'
Let him know, "I know you can help put away the toys." I like how you are helping!"
"Good job everyone, we will see you later. Or we will see you tomorrow."
IF he throws a fit, get down to his face and ask him, "what did I say would happen if you threw a fit. " If he says he cannot remember, tell him again and have him repeat it. Then the next day, if he brings up playing outside.. again have him repeat what is going to happen.
Stick to it. Get a timer and set it if you need to.
Purchase ear plugs and use them if he throws a big fit, but do not back down.
He is always testing you. You are the adult and you will need to be super strong and not back down.
Place him in his room with the door closed if you have to.
Nip this in the bud now. He is only going to get worse unless you put your foot down. What is the worst he can do? Cry, scream, pout, break things, stomp around? Big deal, he will always love you and you do him no favors to allow his behaviors to continue.
S., have you had your son evaluated? I am wondering if he has a disorder. If he cannot be controlled, you will really need to get professional help. A child psychiatrist would be of help, as would a play therapist who could observe him during these play times when he has to let go of his friends.
Outside of that, I want to tell you about a Wall Street Journal article I read recently that talked about the new thinking on how to deal with tantrums. The article talked about "practicing" a tantrum at home in advance of going out. (I know - sounds a little funny, doesnt' it.) First you talk about where you are going (in your case, for purposes of his tantrums when his friends leave), tell him to pretend that the friends are leaving. Say "Go ahead, have your tantrum." Let him scream and cry. Tell him that screaming and crying is okay, but no kicking and punching. Remind him over and over that he may not kick and punch. Keep him practicing until he gets tired of it. Then invite his friends over.
If he kicks and punches, tell him that he forgot the rule, so he must stay in his room. Don't allow any kicking and punching, period. The more he kicks and punches, the more out-of-control he feels, and the more out-of-control he feels, the more he internalizes these kinds of actions as being normal. Practice again and again the fake tantrums, every day. The day that he DOESN'T kick and punch, tell him what a good job he did and do something fun together, like drawing pictures. Don't use food to do this, don't use promises of more playing with his friends, and don't use TV. Use time with YOU, and he isn't banished to his room.
Next work on him not falling down or laying down screaming on the floor. That's your next goal. The point is to start controlling parts of the tantrum. If he is able to leave out ANY part of the tantrum, you are getting somewhere.
The last part is leaving out the screaming. Crying is okay, but screaming is not.
I don't know how long it will take to overcome this. If your son has an obsessive personality, I don't know if it will work. SOME children who have these difficult personalities are helped by having a pet. IF they love animals and are always gentle with them, putting a pet in their arms can help stop a meltdown and help a child control themselves.
He doesn't want to have these tantrums, S.. He hates them. They make him feel horrible. He doesn't know how to stop. However, part of the problem is that you are letting him feel out of control because you don't really discipline him. You don't know how. The ways that parents discipline normal kids doesn't work with him and you know that.
That doesn't mean that you give up. Try this method. I don't know if you can find the article, but I'm sure you could contact the archive people at the Wall Street Journal and they could help you find it. Meanwhile, I would ask your ped for a referral to a play therapist.
You need your lives back, S.. Your son doesn't understand this, but when he is a little older, he won't have ANY friends because none of them will put up with his behavior. It won't teach him a lesson at that point because he will be SO upset about it and not able to figure it out. I know you said that talking with him doesn't help. However, I think that with a doctor's help, you can get him to a point that he will be able to listen and understand.
Good luck, S.
Dawn
Consisder having him evaluated by a physical therapist for sensory issues, as well as a pediatric psychiatrist. You can also meet with a play therapist, too. When he has his tantrums, does he seem to be performing and in control of himself or does he see to be unable to physically control his reactions (irrational, eyes seem not to see, etc)? Afterwards, does he seem ashamed or devastated at what his behavior has caused? It's a bit of a difference between whether it's just a tantrum or a a sensory issue? Definitely talk to your doctor. Also, check out the books "The out of sync child" and "THe oonnected child."
Well the thing that makes this different, is that you say he is "obsessed" with it and nothing seems to help him understand.
Have you spoken to your Pediatrician about it?
Does he display other behavioral aspects which you are concerned about?
Or have him assessed.
Still, maybe it is just his age.
But who knows.
He does seem so carried away, with it.
It seems... that any kid can come over to your house anytime, like an open door type situation.
Have you tried, on your end.. to just put a sign on your door? Saying like "no visitors at this time..." or a red light/green light type sign.. to INDICATE to the neighbor kids, that they cannot just come over willy-nilly ANY time they want? I mean, it is your house.
And if other kids were banging on MY door, at any ol' time and they were not invited or their parents did not ask permission... I would be irked. We had a neighbor kid like that, and even my kids started to get irked. We had NO privacy... due to that neighbor's kid. So I finally had to speak to the Mom.
The problem seems 2-fold: your son's behavioral issues, but also, any ol' kid from the neighborhood can just come and "bang" on your door to play at any ol' time. Your "home" has NO Boundaries. You don't have boundaries... for all those neighbor kids either. Because, any ol' kid from the neighborhood can come over, and bang on the door to play. And they know they can do that. For me and my kids, that is rude. My kids would even tell me that. And we have our own, schedules.
Then, if your son has an impulse problem, well also speak to your Pediatrician.
By now, most kids, do know boundaries. Are still learning it, but they know "rules." And at that age, many kids are in Preschool...whereby they also learn boundaries and rules.
Maybe your son might benefit from going to Preschool. Not just a Daycare.
And, it would also HELP him, prep for Kindergarten.
Just tell your son NO sometimes.
That's it.
My daughter just turned 6 and we have experienced similar scenarios with her. She went through repeated phases of wanting to be in charge and having meltdowns for any instruction she gave (or imagined) and we did not live up to. Something as silly as I walked out of the door before her and she wanted to walk out first or my opening up the car door when she wanted to be first to get out. We set boundaries (though it did not stop the screaming and hollering) that we were the adults/parents in charge. We did negotiate letting her choose what was for dinner on Friday nights or pick movie on movie night. That worked most of the time, but like I said the phase repeated itself. I have a feeling your son may be experiencing similar phase, but do consult your pediatrician. If he is not under any disability/delay, I recommend you and your husband start a regimen where you each re-charge your energy and patience by setting a block of time where you do something meaningful/relaxing for you because you each deserve it. I hope your son will overcome his phase and good luck.
This does sound pretty difficult, and I have to admit I've seen kids get upset b/c they want to continue playing, but not at this obsessive level and duration. Have you ever thought about play therapy with him and a behavior therapist to see what is causing this constant reaction? It can be very helpful to get a professional evaluation. I would probably limit his friend play time for a long while, trying to get out of the house when you are shower and such is not good.
In the meantime, Dr. Sears has some good discipline advice here and here:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...
I'm sorry but I don't think you need a therapist or a professional. What you do need is mom and a dad who are willing to make their son mad in order to teach him. Your son does not have that. You said you are "scared to deah of what it will require to discipline him..." Meaning you are scared to death to make him unhappy.
You need to change YOUR way of thinking. No one else in this world is going to worry about making your son happy ALL THE TIME and neither should you.
I will say that I also did not like to see my daughter unhappy and I did everything I could to try to give her a "happy" life. And let me tell you, she is now 32 years old and STILL thinks it's my job to make her happy and to do and give to her so she won't be unhappy or go without. It is not fun and I HATE that I did this. You will HATE it too.
Take if from someone who's been there. Your son will still love you even if you make him mad by disciplining him.
I would sit him right down and tell him point blank that any further tantrums will result in his being on restriction from friends for 2 days. And then stick to it. If you call him in and he melts down, take him to his room and when he's done with the meltdown tell him very calmy that he is restricted to the house for the next two days because of his behavior.
And let the kids come knocking. That way he is reminded of what he's missing and when he gets tired of missing it, he'll change his behavior. I whole heartedly believe that he CAN change this behavior if he WANTS to. You have to make him WANT to.
Please have him evaluated by a child psychologist or psychiatrist. This is extreme behavior. You as parents and/or your son my need some type of therapy/counseling to get handle on the behavior. You need to be able to keep him safe and take care of your needs. It is important to take back the authority in the house; children need and want rules and limits. It makes them feel safe and cared for.
Al little about me: I'm a child psychiatrist in practice 18 years, married 24 years and the mother or a 21yo boy and a 15 year old girl.
I wanted to comment on what some of the others have mentioned - play therapy. My son exhibits (not as much anymore) many of the characteristics you describe. In our house, my son is 5.5 now, for years as long as Logan is happy the house is happy but if something doesn't go right all hell breaks loose. We used to go to the park but I stopped taking him awhile ago because I'd have to carry him kicking and screaming the whole way home. If he was out playing with friends and I said I had to go in to make dinner and he needed to come he'd freak out too.
2 years ago we started seeing a behavioral therapist. He introduced us to play therapy - the way it works is you have a number of games that you play but the play is driven by you as the parent - for example you say "it's my turn and I am using green.......now it's your turn and you are using blue..." or "we are now playing {insert game} and you start by doing {insert whatever instructions for the game}" These arent' the best examples but I hope you get the gist.
By doing this the child learns to listen to instruction from you and, because the child is getting time from you and playing, they learn to trust you.
The history behind this type of therapy: it was first used many years ago by therapists helping families who adopted orphaned children who felt disconnected.......have you ever heard of reactive attachment disorder? It was used to help with this.
I am certainly not saying anything is "wrong" with your son but giving you some ideas 'outside of the box'. Believe me, my husband and I read all kind of books "1-2-3 Magic", Dr. Brazelton, etc. etc. etc. It seemed nothing worked for our child........we needed outside help.
This type of therapy was not a quick fix.......it takes time to see results and, while you are starting he'll probably get mad and you'll see some tantrums because he may try to control the game.........but after awhile he will get better.
I also have to say - it's still not easy with our son.......he's got a controlling personality and he can get obsessive........but most of the time he's also very fun loving and sweet - and absolutely hilarious!
Small progress - review your success this way - the better you feel and the more confident and positive you are will make him feel more comfortable.
I wish you the best - I've been there (well, still there) - I hope what I wrote helps. Please keep me posted!
Laurie A. answered your question perfectly. It sounds as if your son (like mine at 6 yo now) has a difficult time with compliance and transitions. If you are firm, state the consequences and give him a timeline with warnings, your issues should get better. I do use a timer. My son has gotten very used to it and understands what it means. I also use the 1-2-3 magic method for undesired behavior. I have the DVD for more 123 magic which is supposed to be for increasing desired behavior, but I have yet to view it. I hope it gives me some great ideas. Really, follow Laurie's advice.
I can relate. Just wanted to let you know that. My son turned 4 in June and is in a bad phase. He always wants to play with kids, as yours does. I try to not let a day go by without him playing with other kids but it does happen, sometimes for a whole weekend. Is your son an only child? Mine is. I think this has a lot to do with it. My son has seen kids ride by on bikes and said, "my friends, I want to play with my friends." He doesn't even know the kids. I think boys are much more active from what I've noticed too. Maybe they're socialized into it, but from what I've seen, my son is super over the top hyper compared to most kids. I know he'll sit to play video games though. Good luck, just keep at it. Our time outs aren't always effective but he does hate to sit there and keeps asking to get up.
