Thanks for the Advice

T.,...boy that was alot to digest. Have you considered maybe it's time for you to take some time out for yourself? It sounds to me that with everything that has happened in your life, you haven't had any "ME" time...please first consider that. Secondly, if they can't buy it, they can't drink it...that's the rul in my house. At the end of the day, "who takes care of the foundation under the roof in which you live"...You can't make a rule then break it to go along with the game, when you do that the child becomes the parent and the parent the child. As a parent, what you say to your children you have to mean, and you have to stand behind "your rules" so they will understand exactly why rules are set and experience the punishment of breaking those rules... Hope things work out for you and your family...but take some "ME" time somewhere.....And T., since this is a resource center for moms who are primarily seeking "structed" advice, I'm not sure I would have told the thousands of people who are on this website so much personal business...I'm not sure I'd want my 2 year old daughter to attend a Daycare where all this negative energy is being absorbed. Be careful what you tell people about your personal life. The advice is for your situation w/your children, not an open book for your life. God Bless ~ Much Success!

Wow T.!!!!!! so much info. I have friends w/teens who are my 'sitters' and they confide in me. Their friends come over and your kids sound alot like typical teens, unfortunately. They would come over to 'party', smoke and drink anything in the house. We have a police officer down the street who stopped them and cited them for having cigs. They don't come around much since then, thank goodness cause my 9yr old was starting to get too old for his own good. Sounds like you have the right idea. Put your foot down,like my parents did! You're setting a good example. You and hubby need to have a united front, be on the same page. have rules and stand by them. Know their friends and their parents and get them on your side too. It helps if you all are working together! Ground those kids or they could have problems w/alcoholism their whole life.(experience talking) Do you guys attend church? Where do you guys live and where is your husband a chef? I know, maybe too personal, but I love good food and chefs are good to know:)

Hi T.,

It sounds like this is a tough one as a parent. As a high school teacher, you would be surprised how many parents don't know their child is doing this. Additionally, as a high school teacher, you would be surprised how many do know and are enabling their kids to do this. I can't tell you the best approach to handling this. I know that you are making steps with his license and this is good. One thing students love is to have their license and drive. Is he set to get a car? I would dangle that one in front of him too. Plus, it sounds like he's a great athlete. Maybe a heart to heart about what he's doing to his body and your perception of him may help, especially at this age when he wants to succeed at what he's doing. He seems to be "following" the crowd to be cool. How cool will he be if he's caught, can't compete, and in school suspension or alternative education? Many students do this; however, they really don't think about the consequences. Someone else wrote about the importance of you and your husband agreeing on punishments . . . then sticking to them. That's a great idea. Many times, not always, when students struggle in class it's because there seems to be an inconsistancy within the home when it comes to making sure homework is done, etc. Trust me when I've spoken to parents to surprise one in saying their child wasn't in class "again" today only for them not to know. This is the type of inconsistency in the home that affects what our children do and how they can "work" us as parents. That's not to say they are bad, they're just teenagers wanting to do what their friends do. Some of the students I hear talking about the thing they do really are great, sweet, actively involved in school, respectful, and so on. It really is that they are just teenagers thinking they have to follow the crowd. When you and your husband set a punishment for him, be sure to state for how long. Keep a calendar visible for hubby to see and communicate often to remind each other why you should stick to it. I've found parents say they don't stick to punishments because it's too inconvenient for them to take their teenager's license away since they can't pick their child up or drop him off. Additionally, punishments for long periods of time seem to only make them rebel against their parents. A punishment for say two weeks and no cell phone may work better. . . something of the sort. I know that with my teen, I take away not the most obvious to her, but what I know she loves to do. For her, it's IM-ing others on the computer. Her behavior changes even for just a while and this helps. For him it may be a license, computer, cell phone, etc. Don't let him tell you he needs the computer to do homework. Take him to the public library for that or monitor him while he does his work during a specified time. It's hard sometimes and this does inconvenience you at times, but he may remember the lesson. Also, remind him all the time and what makes you proud of him and what he's doing doesn't make you feel this way. Plus, please remember to let him know it was okay to make a mistake in regards to what he's done, but he should learn from it and try to refrain from it again. These teenagers are smart and are growing up and are trying to find their place between being a kid and becoming an adult. Most of all, let him know you're human and maybe you wish you hadn't allowed him to do that. He needs to know your not perfect and you still have his respect. Plus, he needs to know you want him to succeed and don't want him to ruin it for himself with his coach, school, future, etc. This may help, maybe not, but it's worth a try just to have a heart to heart. I applaud you for tackling this problem and not pretending it doesn't exist. Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page, and be CONSISTENT. If I were your son, I wouldn't be worried about getting into trouble or grounded, I mean why would he worry? A few weeks later he knows he's going to be able to do whatever.
All I know is, the message will be clearer to your son, and to your whole family if the message is the consistently the same from you and your husband and that you two are a TEAM.
Just my 2 cents. God Bless!

T.,
Do you and your family attend church? If you don't, I recommend that you find a local church to start attending and get your kids involved with a Godly youth program. If you do attend church, go talk to your youth pastor or your pastor. They will help you and your family deal with your son's destructive behavior. Don't beat up yourself. There are so many forces in this world that are working against us parents. It makes our job so much more difficult. But, with God on our side, we can do it. We can raise Godly, responsible children. My husband and I went to a marriage conference a little while back and the lady that spoke made an interesting point that I'd never thought about. She said that everybody says, I want to raise my kids to be good kids or to have a successful, etc. But she said it should be every parents goal to raise our children to be the perfect spouse. Think about it, that covers alot of things. Listen, don't come down on yourself or your husband but you definitely need help and quick. If your pastoral staff can't help, find a christan family counselor. The only thing that is truly going to change your son's heart is God. You may be able to temporarily coax or convince him into following your rules because you've created enough disincentives. But, ultimately, this isn't the long term life you want for your child, so you don't want him to go back to this when he goes off to college or first job or whenever he leaves your home. I'll pray that God intervenes in the life of your family.

It's interesting that you said consistency isn't an issue with your parenting, however you allowed him to go out to a party you knew alcohol would be there one night, and have set boundaries other nights. It may be unintentional (it's easy to let your gaurd down at times), but kids pick up on this. He sounds like he's behaving like a normal teen giving into what's popular in the moment. He probably just wants to have fun... teens don't always consider the consequences. And you said he is open and honest with you, but you found the condoms in his room... so I'm assuming he was not up front with you about that. Also, you said he has only drank those couple of times... how do you know that for sure? That's just because he got caught... he's not going to admit to additional times. Even though he may not be an "alcoholic", he is still abusing the substance which is for one) illegal, and for another) dangerous. He may be a good kid... but he is only a sophmore... that's when kids START to rebel. You haven't seen anything yet. The problem will only get worse as he gets older, unless he has clear and unwavering restrictions. Kids need boundaries, that is why they push the envelope, they are testing the waters to see how much they can get away with. You should go rent the movie KIDS to see what really goes on. I remember it being just like that, and high school has only gotten worse since we were there. Remember, teens have only two major influences... their friends and their parents. If his friends are dragging him down, then he needs to realize they aren't his friends after all. Kids fare much better when they have friends with similar standards. A good book to read is called "Raising a G rated Family in an X rated World". I've been in this exact situation myself, and have had many friends here as well. He may hate you for a while for "stricting up", but he will thank you in the long run. Restrict certain things from him, but remember to treat him with respect and he will feel more up to the challenge of keeping that respect. He probably needs to talk to a counselor... esp. if he does have emotional hardships from what his father did to you all. That would be tough for any kid. I saw a counselor as a teen and he made me feel so much better. His name was Dave Peruca (I'm pretty sure that's how you spell it). I don't mean to sound harsh, and I don't think you made your son sound like a terrible person, but it is still serious and serious matters call for serious advice. I hope all works out and that your family prayers at night may bring you closer as a family unit to each other, and indivudually closer to God. When he realizes he has divine worth, things will change.
http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll?f=templates$fn=def...
This is a really good talk on this exact topic. There are tons of talks that address this issue, just type in "wayward teen" or "troubled youth" or something to that effect and you will get a lot of talks. (I'm not pushing my religion on you, but these talks have some seriously good and heartfelt advise!)

I feel for you although I only have a 3 1/2 yr old Im 26 so I was a teen not too long ago. My parents just kept telling my brother and I that they trusted us and knew we would make good decisions. They never really pushed not drinking and drugs but told us to not do them. I think this helped b/c we were really good kids. I always felt that I would make good decisions b/c they trusted me so much and I would feel bad if I was doing wrong. I had (and so did my brother) a fair share of friends that were really wild and there parents really were hard on them about not drinking and such and I really think they did alot of stuff to rebel...some dindt even care to drink but knew it would tick there parents off if they did. I did get drunk dont get me wrong but once I threw up and felt so bad and saw what the fuss was all about I could have cared less about doing it. I think kids almost have to crash and burn a few times to realize that what there parents say is true b/c when your a parent of a teen you are the enemy for serval years. My parents just always told me to do my best and to make my own decisions and that I should know the end result of the decison that I made and I would have to live w/ it if it was a bad choice. They also told me that if I did deciede to drink to call them and they would come and get me and I wouldnt be in trouble but they would be disappointed in me and I knew Id be really inbarassed to have them pick me up so I never let that happen...Its almost worst to have your parents be dissapointed and not make a big fuss like they would if they were mad b/c It makes you feel worse and actually sorry that you did the wrong thing. I dont know if this helps but I wish you the best of luck and just remember this is only a faze kids go through and someday they will look back and say man I was dumb.

WOW! It sounds as if your son is behaving the way I did at that age! My mom was my high school principal and was very strict, so when I reached the age where she would allow me to go out with friends and to parties, I went wild and did much of what you are describing and then some. The difference is, I hid it very well from my family. It is truly amazing that I have lived to tell about it.

For that reason, you are very lucky to have detected what is going on with your son. I do not have any advice on how to handle it, but at least you are aware, which already puts you at a huge advantage.

I wish you the best of luck. Above all, do not give up!

Oh, T.! I am right behind you I have a 13 yr. old and wee do everything with our church, grades, teachers....All A+!! I understand completly....I would like to read responces on the matter also......So, like T. said, if anyone has experienced this subject, it would be great to learn more info....

L.

Sounds like you are a great parent, with great kids who are just making some bad choices. These issues with Daniel could just now be manifesting because of the issues with his biological father. Counseling with a licensed counselor will help. I and my husband are ministers, too and we are going through some tough times with our adopted 14 year old boy. Counseling is helping us see some issues in a whole new light, and giving us tools to rectify the situation. (If finances are an issue as far as obtaining counseling, look into the STAR program, or call Promise House--they have resources that could benefit your son---such as in home counselling. I will be praying for you guys...
Promise House, Inc.
224 W. Page
Dallas, Texas 75208
Phone: ###-###-####
promisehouse.org

My response may be a bit different from the rest since I am 24 years old. It wasn't very long ago that I was in high school doing SOME of the same things your son is doing. I have a 9 month old, so I haven't hit the bumps that you have. However, I have seen the way my parents handle my younger brother and it drives me crazy. I hope you are not offended by anything that I say.
Since your son has lied to you on more than one occassion, you should seriously consider taking away priveleges. You have only caught him a few times drunk, right? Well, trust me, there have been many more! Parents tend to be very naive when it comes to their children. They want to beleive their kids, so they turn the other way. He is only 16!!!! This is very young. I know it is not only your son either. It seems like so many teens are having sex, drinking, and doing drugs. I can also pretty much guarantee that he doesn't always use a condom.
Anyway, about the priveleges. It doesn't sound like he is responsible enough to drive a car. A car is not a toy. Teens do not have the common sense to NOT drink and drive. One day my husband and I were driving home and we pulled along side of my stepbrother and a friend. They were smoking a joint right there in the car and in public. Kids do not care. He needs to earn his right to drive, and it doesn't sound like he is doing so. I also know that it is hard for you and your husband to cart the kids around all of the time. If he drives, it is nice for you too because you don't have to cart him around. I totally understand that.
Another privelege you should consider minimizing, would be his personal life. I don't remember what you said his curfew is. I don't think he should be able to stay out past 11:00 (I think that is lenient)at the latest. I think that when kids stay out late they get into trouble.
Another thing is that despite what you hear, drinking leads to other things. These include more sex, drugs, and sometimes even violence.
Your son isn't setting a good example for the other kids either. I know that you can raise children with good values and morals, and sometimes they act differently. I fear this when my child grows up. I know you love your kids more than anything. I think that consistency is the key. I also think that you may be afraid to cut back greatly on priveleges. Many fear that their child will rebel. I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes, too much freedom is not a good thing.

T.~
Let me start by saying you are a wonderful Mother!!! And I mean that....you love your children immensely and that is obvious! I am a mother of a 7 and 3 year old...so I do not have any experience in the teen years. But I do see how loving and concerned you are for your kids. Keep up with the family time and church time and prayer time and God will provide for you. He hears your prayers and He will answer them. Your children sound like they are very normal and experimenting with alcohol...they feel invinsible at this stage of their lives and don't believe that anything bad can happen to them. It's hard to convince them otherwise. Consistency seems to be something that has worked for us in the early years and should continue into teen years...so that is the only other advice I have. Maybe writing down actions and consequences so that they can see it in black and white. Know that I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless,
T.
Flower Mound

First of all, let me say - welcome to the teen years. Secondly, if any of the other parents reply with "their children don't do this" they are either lying to themselves or the kids are very good at lying. I am not going to say they all do it - because my son didn't drink til he was a sophomore in college and my daughter started her senior year - both I understand though only drink a beer or two as they had to face me every night when they get home. HOWEVER, both knew where all the parties were and went to many of them. Here is the news you are NOT going to like to hear. Having to kids go through high school, and remembering my high school years, and discussing with other mom's their high school years it does seem consistent that children involved in Football and Cheerleading are the largest partakers, this is just a theory as to why. We glorify them. They are more popular so the stress is placed on them to be "cool." (My son was a football player and soccer player as well). If you reflect back to your high school years the boys on the football team always had to show each other how "manyly" they were - and it became a bragging right to be able to outdrink the other (I was a cheerleader). Now that aside, NO sleepovers ANYWHERE and a very strict curfew helped alot. If you try to keep them caged they are going to sneak out. BUT if you make him earn his nights out (because you can no longer trust him) and for each time he gets in at his curfew and is still able to "function" he gets another night out. He won't stop drinking at this point - and college is 4 years of all out because parents aren't there. The slogan think when you drink was ridiculous - nobody can think when they drink (clearly). BUT he must have a plan in place before he can go out. The first time he misses his curfew - or is inebriated - he doesn't go anywhere the next weekend. OH - and here is the part that really sucks - he is going to hate you. You are ruining his social life - you are being OVERLY protective "the other parents do it" BUT would you rather have your child hate you for the next 4 years and know in the end he will know right from wrong? Or like the other parents (who now we are watching struggle with the backend of their allowing their kids to do whatever they want - they can't keep jobs - borrow from their parents OFTEN and complain about life in general now that they have hit the real world.). I can go on and on - My daughter and I fought for the last 3 years - her friends parents would cover for her not helping the situation (they didn't see anything wrong with it) but now that she is in college and moved out she is definitely starting to see how her friends are failing at life now and that she is able to keep a job and get up and go to school.

T.,
Just one last bit of input...I was your son and my parents were like you; it was obvious they cared I knew they loved me, but steadied on the fence about what to do w/ me. They gave in and allowed me to drink "responsibly" (no teenager knows what that is b/c responsibly is NOT AT ALL - its illegal!) and if we got out of hand, had too much, to call and they'd pick us up. Long story short, I wish my parents had put their feet down and had taken me prisoner! I continued this behavior on through high school and it escalated every year, so you can only imagine what college was like (maybe not. Let me paint a picture for you...Lots, and lots, and lots of drinking. I then got into drugs b/c it was the "next step" in partying. I had to drop classes b/c I couldn't get up the next day; I had to be carried out of clubs b/c I passed out; and probably the worst that ever happened was I drove drunk and on drugs and the only thing I hit was the median which severly damaged the car, bags popped, etc., but thank God it was a median and not a person! After college my drinking continued. I was showing up to work w/ hangovers, missing work b/c I was out late and partying, and on the brink of losing my job b/c I had become wreckless w/ my work.) It wasn't until I got pregnant at the age of 26 out of wedlock that I settled down...just for a little while, until my child was born. After he was born, it was "safe" for me to start drinking again. The father and I did marry and the alcohol was futile for our marriage; it was a recipe for disaster! I finally decided if I want to keep my marriage I better do away w/ the alcohol for the sake of my child and my husband. I've been sober for 9 months now. This is a long story painted, but you can see the slippery slope alcohol can do to somoeone's life. My advice to you is get the family involved in church. If you never have it's a good time to start, and if you already do then maybe you should try another church...a church that teaches your children on this subject (the body is a temple), and you as parents need to know the bible to implement it into you and your children's lives. You need to be able to reference the bible as to why you say, do, and teach the things you do ("Obey your father and mother",etc). I know if my parents would have taken further extremes w/ me and had me involved in church (I know this b/c there were times when we did go to church and I went to church camp,etc and came out rejuvinated and excited about being a christian, an example, and didn't need alcohol to fit in or make myself feel better. It was when we all stopped going to church, I felt liberated to drink. There's a crystallized pattern of this behavior.).

A great church for teens is Fellowship Church (Grapevine, Dallas, Plano). My babysitter (16 yr-old) goes there and loves it! The incentive of cute boys who love God is so cool!

I will pray God shapes you into the parents He wants you to be.

In Him,

A.