The Birds and the Bees - Orosi, CA

It's been my experience that the more information kids have on this point, the better their decisions will be. I've been very open with my two sons and I know they appreciate it (they tell me, which is sweet). For a while, when my oldest was in jr. high, he had the most bizarre sex questions every day. I asked why and he said all his friends at school knew he could talk openly with his parents about sex and they couldn't, so they'd ask my son to get "the straight story." Wowzers!

When is it too early? I'm not sure it ever is. All answers, of course, should be tailored for the age, but I think once a child shows interest, that interest should be honored with clear, concise answers, with your values system attached. If we don't teach our children, the "kid on the street" will and we may not like that information...or its results!

Kudos to your daughter for stepping up to the plate. Is your sister ready to be "grandma?" If not, she may want to get on the ball, no offense.

Good luck!

C.,

I think you and your family are wonderful for helping out your sister and niece and that your daughter was being a concerned cousin by trying to educate her and keep her out of trouble. If your niece were to get pregnant, it could really alter her life for the negative and it would be one more child living at your home. Your sister probably isn't ready to face the fact that her daughter is growing up so fast, but it's far better that she receive good information from your daughter than bad information from friends, TV, and boys. However, one talk is never sufficient enough. Luckily she has good role models in your daughters, but she also needs open dialog with them, you, and more importantly, her own mother. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job raising your girls and they've turned out great. Good luck with this situation!

Personally, I think your daughter was justified. It doesn't sound like her actual parents are taking the time to do it. If she is already showing signs of inappropriate sexual behavior, a responsible adult-friend or family-needs to "take over" or "step in." It's about the child, not the parenting skills of the parent. I was 13 the 1st time I had sex and wish I didn't but I did because no one talked to me about it beforehand. They probably thought they had some time (and that was 25 years ago). You never know and it's better to be safe than sorry. If she is acting out so much she may be sexually abused and/or sexually active and she might feel out of control. That young girl knows now that she can go to your daughter and feel comfortable asking questions, etc. If this person lives under your roof, the people in your family have the right to act like one. You should be closer than families that live apart.

Hi C.:
By the time a girl reaches 12 years old,she has most likely been introduced to some sources of sexual content. She has heard bits and pieces from other children her age.Things told by friends,or seen in books or over the internet. As shocking as it may sound,There are girls this age,that have already been sexually active. Why a parent,would believe ignorance a preventive measure. Is beyond me. They believe,if they don't explain sex to their child,they will continue to live a life of abstinence,until they (the parent) determine they're ready. The more knowledgable young people are, about their bodies and feelings they are experiencing, the safer they become. Its the parents job to make sure their child Learns the facts,rather than myths from peers who have been left to seek their own answers,offering your child bogus information, making sex appear as something dirty or vulgar,rather than something beautiful,and natural.By not reasuring your child,that the feelings he or she are experiencing normal,you subject them to feelings of alienation,or guilt. They begin believing what they are feeling is unatural.C.,your sister is feeling guilty,because your daughter succeeded to do,what she couldn't find herself to do. Your daughter has nothing to be ashamed of. she helped her niece and your sister should be grateful,that someone close to her daughter,whom she loves,respects and cares for was the one who enlightened her,on any questions she had on the subject. Now,possibly your niece can feel somewhat releived,and may take life and the beauty of nature more to heart.I wish you and your family the best.

C.,
I am sorry, but I think your daughter over stepped her boundaries. She is not the mother. It is too late now, but in the future if you want to help a friend out with the Birds and the Bees, get them some articles or books supporting the reason they need to tell their child now, not later. Sometimes it takes hearing about it from someone not so close to you. I know you both mean well, but for some reason we don't always want to hear it from our sisters. I have four sisters, and they all react differently to the same situations we all encounter. Some will take your advice, others get offended, and others do not even want to talk about certain things. Example: We have a mother that is getting older and lives alone. We can not even agree on how things should be done, but one of the sisters is the executor and that helps some. We email important things to each other about our mom's needs. The email goes to all of us,including our two brothers. We all pay her property taxes every year, and our sister handles it very nicely in an email. Not everyone agrees, but they are not left out and can voice their opinions to her. We talk amongst ourselves and try to keep communication open. There is no perfect answer regarding family, but being open and above board works the best. It isn't easy, but we love one another and are very different from each other, especially since we have grown up and gone different ways in our lives.
You should have your daughter apologize or you to your sister, and let her know that it was done out of love for her and her daughter. Also, that in the future you will check with her on her feelings about different issues and give her valuable information to help her make her decisions involving her daughter and herself.

I hope this helps.

E.:)

It makes me wonder what your sister is on....Addicts act irrational, I speak from family experience. Anyway, good luck, and your daughter did fine, somebody needs to parent the child! Sorry if this sounds harsh, I guess my personal experiences have left lingering hurt and anger.....

There's a great book on the topic - How to Talk to Your Child About Sex by Linda and Richard Eyre - gives sample conversations, ideas for a series of conversations for kids at different ages, etc. Very helpful. Also, much of what's in the book is available online at the Eyres' website - valuesparenting.com

I don't think your daughter did anything VERY wrong. She was juts trying to help and be a good cousin. I think your sister maybe feels offended because she was at a loss as to how to handle the situation and feels it should have been discussed with her 1st. I don't know your sister, but I do know if ANYONE talked to my daughter about sex before I was ready for her to hear it I would be beyond mad.
On the "when" question, my parents never sat me down and had "the talk". I never had any of the problems your neice is having so I don't think they have anything to do with each other. She probably responded well to the attention and one on one if she feels she hasn't been getting enough attention. Just remember, it is her daughter and she does have the right to choose what she would like your help with when it comes to her daughter.

Hello. Your description of the issues your niece is having paints a pretty clear picture that she needs to discuss these issues with an adult. Sounds like your sister is in a bit of denial in regards to her child's experiences. Maybe ask her what the harm is with a conversation about sex .... also, I agree with the previous comment - she does live under your roof, so you are partially responsible for her .... your sister needs to understand that you and your daughter feel protective of your niece and only want her to be happy and healthy - which she needs information for. Teenagers, as much as we love them, are some of the most difficult people to work with and talk to ... they have to know from early on that talking is good and always welcome. No subjects should be taboo - kids understand very quickly who they can talk to and who they can't - that said, parents already get a wall in front of them simply because they are the parent - usually the last person a teenager wants to talk to, so barring these conversations early will only lead to more difficulties as she gets older.
It must be a truly difficult situation, but I am also sure your niece knows you care.

I myself have an 11 year old girl. I think your daughter did the right thing. Now days kids know more and experiment more than we know. I am 31, when I was in high school I can't tell you how many girls were pregnant, one of them was only a freshman when I was a senior. To me the more they know, even at the age of 10/11/12 the better. I love my kids, but I don't want my daughters to have kids when they are still in school. Theres nothing wrong per say against it, I just want as many doors to remain open as possible for thier future. School and growing up are hard enough without having to add in sex and pregnancy. Sometimes someone else can see things clear than a parent. Even if it means stepping on some toes, someone has to tell them. Think of her future- babies would probably be the easiest to deal with out of all the disease that are out there now days. I say "Thank You" to you and your daughters for caring enough to say something. You must of done a great job raising your own girls.

My parents stayed away from the topic of sex when I was a teenager. They were forced to face the issued then they discovered a used pregnancy test in the trash. I learned about sex from those little inappropriate bits that I heard from my friends with older siblings. It was difficult being a teenager ten years ago, I can only image how confusing it must be now. There are so many mixed message concerning sex. That said....

The probably with your Sister may not have anything to do with your Daughter trying to help. It sounds more like an attitude problem with your Sister. If it is, then you have a lot bigger problem. It may mean that your niece's attitude is reflection of her parent's. I totally understand how difficult this may seem. I don't know where you stand as far as legally intervening (my aunty had the legal authority to act on behalf of my parents), but you may want to consider finding a counselor (perhaps the one at your nieces school) and talk in general what-if terms about the situation and what you can do to help. There is also the legal aspect. Your niece is having major issues at the age of 12, if nothing is done, she may only get worse. She is living at your house, which might mean legal repercussions on you if she gets worse and does whatever worse is at your house.

I am sure your daughter has the best intentions, but this is a subject that I believe is best handled by one's own parent(s). Since your daughter does not have kids of her own yet, she probably cannot understand a parent's difficulty with this (I didn't really understand before I had my own kids). Since you are all living in the same house (or even if your daughter does not live with you anymore, I'm sure her relationship to your sister and niece is probably closer than in many families), I'm sure she felt it was completely within her "role" as an older cousin. The subject had to be addressed, and when the parent does nothing, what is to be done? Someone needed to address the issue. Regardless of anyone's opinion, what's done is done and I hope your sister can forgive your daughter, maybe even be grateful that she took it upon herself to address an issue that your sister obviously did not want to deal with, and move on. And hopefully have "the talk" with her daughter now, too.

Bless you, sounds like a tumultuous home life - that's not easy for anyone to deal with!

Not sure if you've ever heard of Focus on the Family, but they have a parenting forum with very good information for this topic:

http://www.pureintimacy.org/cs/parents/

I'm a single mom with a 6 year old boy, and not knowing how his boyness/hormones and what not affect his behavior/mind I've turned to this site many a times. I hope you find it helpful as well. It's for all ages and walks you through what is normal behavior/what to be cautious about, and how to teach kids a healthy view on sex and relationships.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Twelve is way too old to be ignorant about sex these days. In fifth grade they do the clinical talk at school. Kids need clarification and information so that they can make the right choices as they encounter situations.

In a perfect world, maybe your daughter should have asked your sister if it was okay first. But, if the anticipated answer was "no". Then where would your niece be?

I say good for your daughter, she may have saved your niece from heading down a path to early pregnancy. I hope that they stay close so your niece has someone to confide in as she goes through her teen years.

Hats off to you too, for being such a caring auntie!

C.

Good for your daughter!!! At least now this 12 yr old has someone to go to, to talk with, and to confide in if she has more questions, concerns,or ....troubles. Best of luck...and YES! It takes a village!

I agree with you and your daughter. Your sister was not doing her part in that situation. I told my kids at the same time when they were 9 and 11. Your sister should get over it. Tell her that your daughter did not want her getting the wrong information from friends at school and was trying to help. She could even tell her she had a friend when she was 12 who ended up having sex with a boy because she didn't know what it was until it was too late, so she was concerned. It may be a lie, but I know it's happened somewhere out there. Good luck!

Hi C.! I am 26 years old as well and just moved back home with my parents, my sister and my niece who will be 6 years old in December. From someone who is the same age as your daughter I feel that what she did was fine. I find that My niece, my friends kids and the girls I nanny for feel more comfortable asking me questions and talking to me about life and personal issues because I don't have that title as an authority figure like MOM! I too don't have kids of my own but I feel that kids should start learning about things as they grow. My niece asks questions all the time about kissing, boobies, thong underwear, boyfriends, etc. My sister and I are really close, she is 2 Years younger than me, but we both agree that if a question comes up that it should be honestly answered. You shouldn't mislead a child or leave them in the dark, ESPECIALLY these days. Because if they don't hear it from someone who cares about them and will give an honest answer they will learn it from tv and kids at school and will be totally confused! So don't worry about what your daughter did. Maybe you, your daughter and your sister should sit down and discuss how situations should be taken care of regarding your niece. Because if she is old enought to be watching certain movies/tv shows or talk the way she is, then its time to have "The Talk" about everything! Make it comfortable for her encourage her to ask questions! Afterall all 3 of you live with her and are the best source of information for her!
Best wishes!

It sounds to me like your sister may not be comfortable talking about sex to her daughter and may in denial about the the fact that her daughter is very sexual in the way she interacts with others. I think that even though your sister got upset, what your daughter did was needed. I myself have a 9 yr old and have already discussed the topic of sex with her. I think that now days with sexual content in more and more tv shows and music, it is very important to talk to your children sooner rather than later. If you wait too long, thinking that your children aren't old enough yet, it may be too late.

Your daughter is not the problem. She has not done anything wrong. Your sister has a serious attitude problem and she isn't doing her job as a parent. They have already covered sex education at school by the age of 12, and will cover it again in the study of health, but your niece has far greater issues than this. She is headed in a very bad direction. It seems as if everybody is telling your sister this, but she is not paying attention. What a shame. You will soon have an extremely rebellious teenager living in your home.

Is her turn to be a parent...
Let her do whatever she wants... She is the one that will pay the price.
Personally i do not agree with my older sister ways to raise her kids....so i stay away from telling her what i would do.
I just keep listen and supporting her.
Remember nobody was born ready to be a parent.
I know your daughter meant well.
Good luck to u all.