Think for Himself

I am begining to feel really bad for all these children. I have read all of the replies & it makes me so sad. My son is just like all these other kids, with missing or incomplete homework and I blame myself for not remembering to make him do it. It's just not something they think to do on their own...even when homework has been the afterschool chore for 5 yrs now! lol you just have to laugh about it.(if you can) Kids will be kids & don't stress on them for not being grown up enough. And really, is it that necessary to get so fired up about toilet paper? I have never expected my kids to replace the roll..not even my husband does this lol, but my daughter will probably someday here soon decide to do it herself.

I use to get upset just thinking that my son should remember to put his shoes on or at least remember where he left them, untill I went to a firend's house & she was having to remind her 14 yr old son to get his cleats & he left them in the garage.

It looks like your kids are the same as mine..... age & everything -my 3 yr old is very independent & doesn't need to be told to wash her hands or put on her shoes -she just does & it amazes me, so just think that all the time you spend with helping your 10 yr old son it will be that much easier with the younger one. I do look forward to having a child who won't struggle in school, but also feel extreamly bad for my son that does struggle. KWIM?

Life is difficult & just try to take some time to youself it sounds like your marriage is causing you to get over stressed on the little things....remember that your kids love you.

He needs clear consequences for his actions - for example put the empty garbage can in his room as a reminder that he needs to put a new liner. Certainly don't do things for him, but have realistic expectations of what he can and can not do. It would be good to get a chart that he can check off as he does each chore. Sit down with him and establish what consequences there will be for not doing what he is supposed to (loss of priviledges work well for this age... no Xbox or TV or whatever his interests might be) with established rewards or extra privileges for jobs done or even well done.

also focus on the positive, try not to focus so much on what he doesn't do or does wrong - just quietly enforce the consequences but do praise his efforts - that will help him focus on the positive.

you may also want to talk to his teacher to see if he behaves this way in class... it may be good to investigate why he behaves this way.... if has been recent and your separation has been recent there could be a connection... if the behavior is at both school and home, you might want to consider the possibility of an attention deficit disorder.... I have two like that and it sounded a bit like my girls. Finding out why won't excuse it but provide answers as to why he is behaving and give you better direction on how to deal with him. Keep in mind not all kids with ADD are hyperactive - and these kids sometimes get missed because of it - and the non-hyperactive type often don't get diangosed until 3/4 grade or even sometimes not til middle school. I'm not saying I think he has it.. just giving some ideas.. this behavior could be explained by an emotional issue too (i.e. the separation) so it would be good to explore all possibilities and start by talking to the teacher to see if she has noticed anything unusual.

good luck

Aftter reading through all of the responses I was quite surprised that one item was not brought up at all.

My youngest child has the same problem, has to be constantly reminded of almost every little thing, and has been this way for as long as I can remember. She is sixteen, almost seventeen, right now.

It took moving to a new school before the problems I noticed at home where noticed at school. Her old school had just too many students and since she wasn't disruptive no one gave her much thought.

She was diagnosed with a learning disabilty. She has short term memory problems. She does not always retain things. Usually they are the little things (the ones that drive me nuts I'll admit) like cleaning the litter box, feeding her poultry, picking up her glass from the frontroom, etc.. But there are also homework issues and school has always been difficult. Thank God for a wonderful mainstream SPED program and some fantastic, supportive, teachers and parapros!

Now I don't know that this is your son's problem but it wouldn't hurt to check it out. We never want to think of our children having to deal with a disability but it's better to be armed, just in case.

Also... I don't know if this is your sons case or not... But some thing actually stimulate my daughter to remember... ask her about anything anime (show or manga), certain video games and she has nearly perfect retention. She reads and writes well above her grade level but still would fail even these classes with out the help and extra time allowed her because she doesn't remember her assignments and her homework.

We have learned together to work out triggers for her memory, usually through making things a constant routine and leaving reminders. lol though I still have to even remind her every monrning to turn on her cell phone when she leaves school at the end of the day.

I do hope everything works out for you and yours. If I can help in any way please don't hesitate to contact me.

Hi T.! I sympathize with you. I have a 10 year old who does the same things. Have you tried walking your son through just what you expect of him? For example, if he doesn't put the tp roll on, just walk him through how to do it and tell him you expect him to do this. Many times children cannot read our minds and do not truly understand what it is that we expect of them. Make sure to praise him when he does these things. I always make it a point to give more praise than criticism. And if he forgets to do things, don't get angry, just tell him again what you expect of him. He will get it eventually. Hope this helps. You sound stressed out. Sounds like you might need to take some time for yourself. A bubble bath after kids are in bed or some hot tea and a movie might help. =)

Hi T. -

My son is only 4, so I am by no means an expert, but this sort of sounds like normal preteen boy behavior to me. (I hate to sound cynical, but my HUSBAND still does those things you've described - except for the language arts thing!).

I understand it's frustrating, but try not to *worry* too much about it. I like what one poster said about consequences - sticking the empty garbage can in his room would send a pretty clear signal!

As far as the school stuff goes, I can remember my mom always asking if we had any notes/flyers/messages from school for her on a pretty regular basis, because my sister and I would forget that stuff. Maybe check in with him once or twice a week to make sure he hasn't forgotten to tell you that he needs something for school?

I wouldn't concern myself with the ADD or ADHD thing just yet. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but it's certainly the fad diagnosis of our children's generation and everyone is a little too eager to medicate kids for any little thing seen as a *possible* abnormality. Remember when we were kids and there was no such thing as ADHD? We all turned out just fine. :)

Good luck with everything, focus on the school stuff, and let yourself laugh about the fact that in 20 years your son's future wife will be complaining about the toilet paper!

Hi! Sounds completely normal to me, HA HA!! I have a 9 year old step-daughter that does the same exact stuff. I know she is not stupid but sometimes she makes me wonder. I don't have any advice for you (if you get any good ideas let me know), I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Maybe it is just the age?!! Best of luck to you!

I can relate. My 11 year old is so smart, but is so spacey. He is unorganized, sloppy, and scatter-brained. He's always been that way, not so much with my other two boys. And, every since he was little we've tried to ensure that he take responsibility for his actions. He gets to live with his consequences. It doesn't really curb his spacey tendancies, but he is starting to learn from his mistakes and above all not blame others for his issues. He even told me he was going to clean his locker because he made a bad grade due to not being able to find an assignment. Yeah!

Anyway, good luck :)
e

Boy are we in the same boat I have a 10,6,4 and my 10 year old sounds EXACTLY like yours I am actually glad to hear I am not alone but man is it fustrating come on he is 10 yrs old me and my 6 yr old are always after him and it gets exausting and I feel like I am always on him but if I am not we get NO where I have let him do things on his own to see how far he will get and it is amazing how he can really think that what he has done is really done right (it really NOT) I have done the grounding taking away his stuff all that it did'nt work.Well maybe we can come up with someting :) I have taken all the same steps you have and got NO WHERE... like you said I dont even talk to my younger ones as much as I have to talk to him and he is the oldest.
Well much luck dont really have any advice but I thought it would be nice to let you know you are not alone :)...
E.

Hello, T.. I have the same problem. My son is 12 now and he still can't think for himself. Alot of his problem is he just doesn't want to, he's at the age where nothing is important but himself doing nothing. He doing what all 10 - 12 years do, nothing. He also has some type of ADHD, lack of concentration. So for my son, when he starts on something, if something else catches his eye, he gets easily distracted and loses concentration on what he was just doing and starts on something else.
What I do is make a schedule for him, such as homework, chores, shower time, etc.. I do remind him everyday on what he needs to do that day.
You just have to have lots of patience and talk with him. Just keep excerising and teaching his mind. Let him do want he needs by himself but if he needs support, give it to him.
Good luck and hopefully I helped a little. If you need to talk some more, please email me.
S.

Hi T.,

Just read through your posting and was wondering how long you have been separated from your husband? Is he the boy's father? You did not mention if your son has been lacking independent thinking and follow through on a long term basis. I am concerned that the separation from your husband is having more of an effect on him than you realize. He sounds unmotivated and perhaps depressed. He needs to be able to express his feelings about your marriage situation and the relationship he had with his father. It is one place to start exploring why he behaves as he does. Letting him feel free and comfortable in expressing what is really going on inside of him could open the doors to a better unstanding between the two of you. The current marriage situation you are dealing with is very stressful. My thoughts are with you and your children during this difficult time.

I hate to tell you this but his behavior sounds really typical for a 10 year old and it sounds like you are doing the right things by asking him what he thinks comes next, etc. I know my kids aren't anywhere near 10 yet, but from working in elementary schools I can tell you your son sounds like many 10 year olds I have worked with. However, something else to consider, I notice in your "about me" you say you are seperated from your husband and you describe yourself as struggling. Your son could be picking up on your stress level and missing his dad. Those two things can cause a lot of stress for a 10 year old and it may be that his brain is just to full of feelings to remember about the toilet paper or the garbage bags. Just be patient with him and keep your communication lines wide open.

He's a male, what do you expect? hahaha!!!

On the serious side, how long have you and your husband been seperated? Maybe he has more on his mind?

I hate to tell you honey but I think this is just a "boy" thing. I know that sounds horrible but I am surrounded by young boys and they all have the same problems your son has. I had to chuckle a little while reading your request because it sounded like you were describing my brother exactly! He does all those things and them some. Sorry to say I don't have much advice on this but I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel and good luck with your son. Many Blessing!

I don't mean to give you bad news, but I had a 18 yro nephew given a task of washing out all of our shoes and coolers after river trip and putting them in the sun.

I was absolutely flabbergasted the next day when the shoes were not dry. Turns out that he did not empty the water out of them!!!!!! What!!!! and the coolers were closed!!!!! AGH!!! I could not believe it!!!! And this is a smart kid too. I constantly use this is as an example of how one must explain things in absolute detail...wash the shoes, then to make sure that they dry, dump the water out of them and put up so that they drain and in the sun so that they dry. I think that a lot of it may be the male factor. My DH sometimes needs more explicit directions than I would think that I should have to provide as well. I think that some things are just not important to them like they are to us. ;-)

I know you are concerned and frustrated, but honestly I think that is completely normal for his age and gender. I only have one daughter, but I have several nephews (ages 16, 13, 9, 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, & 6 months!), and they are all that way from 7 & up (not counting the 2, 3, & 4 y/o that don't listen for other reasons). I also care for a couple boys one day a week for a friend and they are also the same. I'm sure it is just a phase (although my husband does the same thing with the garbage liner, which is an honest mistake, don't think it's that big of a deal), and maybe he is dealing with some other issues - friends, school, etc. Starting at this age is really when kids have that need to "fit in". It's got to be hard for them - it was quite a while ago for me and I still remember how hard it was!

Hi T.,

After reading through all the responses I noticed this, no one mentioned diet. Having dealt with issues in ourselves and our child, we have completely changed our diet and lifestyle. It has helped tremendously! My husband had ADD but does not have it anymore. I had ADHD and do not have it anymore. Our child has always been fairly healthy, but we realized that there was an issue with candida for her so we fixed it. Otherwise, she would be as old as us and dealing with the same issues. We have changed almost all foods and products to organic and natural. I used to wonder about that, but after a cancer scare and other issues, I no longer do. I would say that nutrition is a huge factor in behavior. My suggestion is to do some research on how diet affects behavior. It was really surprising to us when we learned that everything we say and do is affected by what we put in out mouths. It was also true in our case that we learned or were reminded and humbled that the body is a temple to God. If we mistreat it, we are choosing not to be obedient to God. That was a tough lesson. It is still one we all struggle with daily. I do agree with others that the seperation may be affecting your child, especially if it is obvious to your child how you are feeling. Do you talk to your son about what is going on with you? Also, talking about his own emotions is a big thing as well. It can be indirect if needed. You could be doing an activity with your son and casually ask how he is doing with school, friends, etc... It sounds like you are a loving concerned mom and you want the best for your family. Blessings to you all.

Katherine

I think the little things you mentioned are very typical. My husband doesn't replace the toilet paper roll, he just sets it on the counter. But failing in school is a whole different matter. I would be strict with him. I would give him specific instructions once, then let him know in no uncertain terms what is expected each time. Then, for example, tell him when he takes out the garbage he must replace the bag as well. Every subsequent time it is not done, use some form of punishment, no tv, video games, whatever. It might seem like a little thing to punish, but it will get him motivated to start doing jobs completely. Do it with everything, not just the garbage of course. With school, I would keep more involved with that, but do not do anything for him other than typical help a child needs. But definitely use some punishment/reward for getting his grades back up. He sounds like he is being lazy and for some reason he feels like it is ok. You need to make it very clear that it is not ok. Good luck with this.

The only thing I can think is maybe he's ADD/ADHD? My stepson is 8 and sounds very similar to your son. I think part of the problem is his mom does e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. for him, but I also wonder if he's ADD/ADHD because you can't tell him to do two things at once, like "get your pjs on and brush your teeth" because he'll do the first thing, but forget the second thing. Anyway, I feel your pain, it's frustrating trying to get them to think for themselves.

I'm shooting from the hip here - and may be totally off base, however, here goes. Maybe he has been overcorrected and not trusted enough to do what's right. 10 years old is awfully old to be acting like this. It's hard to say. When I was a lot younger, and was constantly criticized I would react the same way. It would cause me to become paralyzed to the point I would do the bare minimum. Often I would be nervous, and make MORE mistakes. Maybe he wants TOO MUCH to please. Maybe give him some responsibilities - such as cleaning his room and giving him rewards for follow-through and self-initiative. REALLY heap on the praise ANY TIME you see him do something good. Try to ignore the bad. It seems his self-esteem is gone. Try to keep criticism of him at a minimum. Tell him what is expected. I find with my children it helps to have a list of rules and praise them if they even do a little correctly. Children learn more through praise than criticism. even when I teach piano, positive reinforcement is so important, and often OVERLOOKING the negative, and focusing on the positive helps them learn more than anything. Was your husband maybe too critical of your son? Children need to know they are appreciated, and trusted to do what is right, especially by the time they are 10.

Also, too much rescuing also causes this kind of behaviour.

Hello,
I don't have much advice to give you but COMPLETELY understand what you are saying.. I have a 14 yr old and a 3yr old and the same thing. My son will go outside and clean up after the dog but forget to clean up the dog kennel. Or do the dishes but forget to wipe off the counters. I yell at him constantly for the same things day after day.. my husband gets mad at me for yelling at him but I am at my wits end. I take away his cell phone but really that only hurts me. I try to take things away but it doesn't help because he is in High School now and is very busy. I would love some answers myself. Good luck and please let me know if you hear of any good ideas.

Boy do I wish I had some good news or advice for you. However, as the mother of 19, 17, 15 and 2 1/2 year old boys, and 14, 11, 5 & 4 year old girls...I'm sorry to say that this is not unusual. Furthermore, I also hate to tell you, that there's no guarantee that the behavior with suddenly go away one day. I still have the same issues with my supposedly grown sons. It's my opinion that this is pure laziness, the kids trying to get away with doing the least amount of work that they can possibly get away with. And No I haven't let them off easy on their chores. If you get any really good advice or find something that works, I would really love to hear about it...cuz I'm about at my wits end with it. God Bless and Good Luck.