Threats

Thank you for posting this! I'm kind of going through the same thing w/ my husband; I just have his step mom to talk to who went through the same situation with her husband (my fa-in-law), but she gives about the same advice and I'm trying to work on it. So now I can read all the advice the previous postings give.

I agree with almost all!!!!
Good luck!!!! Really hope things work out!!!! Bless You!

Take the advice of the other ladies! Get your own account, take the money you can. The fact that you are scared to visit your parents with the kids says somthing is definitely wrong. Look into counseling, but protect yourself first!!

Yes you are being abused in this relationship. Counseling may help your husband to let go a little. Until then go visit your parents and search out your options for help! You may not want to tell him just pack up and go. Call him once you are there or something. Also discuss this with your parents once you get there. you may be surprised at how helpful they will be. i will keep you in my prayers.

It is very important for you to NOT go into couples counseling. In a relationship such as yours, where your partner sounds controlling, and possibly manipulative, information that you share in counseling (in what you feel is a safe and trusting environment), may become information that he uses against you in a battle / argument or - worst case - in court.

His threats are very typical of an emotional / psychological abuser - - using the kids against you, threatening to have them taken away, controlling who you see and when you see them, making threats about money and property.

What recourse do you have? To protect yourself and your children and to turn your awareness to his abusive behavior. The abusive behavior will ebb and flow - - sometimes he will be sweet and loving and tender and other times he will be more volatile and unpredictable. **Watch for these patterns** and then make yourself mindful of the language that he uses towards you - - blaming, accusing, placing the burden of guilt on you.

There are many hotlines out there where you can **talk to a supportive and caring professional.** The best is the National Domestic Violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They will be there to remind you that you are a good and caring parent, as well as a strong and positive woman. They will not pressure you to make decisions about your relationship, but will be there to allow you to vent and reflect and to choose whatever next steps feel appropriate to you and to your circumstances. Above all, your call will be confidential and untraceable.

Remember, you are not alone.

[context: I've worked in training and communications in the family violence prevention field for about 15 yrs including for the City of NY]

Of all the posts I read, nobody mentioned contacting an attorney. An attorney will tell you your rights as far as the money and the house are concerned. I do not recomend leaving the house, however I do recomend obtaining a restraining order and having him move out (if it gets to that point). I would be worried that his behavior will escalate to hitting or beating you. I would not want my children growing up in this environment, it is not healthy for them or you. If you are scared for your life, please leave with your children and go to a womens shelter immediately. They will give you information and what your options are. Next time he threatens to call the police, tell him to go ahead. I doubt he would actually do it. As far as the money goes, half of it is yours anyway. If he threatens to take all the money out of the accounts, tell him you will take your half and he can take the rest. Keep your counseling appointment because even if he does not go, it will be good for you. You need to take care of yourself right now and know what your options are. This is a very difficult time for you, please let your family and friends know what is going on so you have their support and maybe if need be, their assistance as far as a place to stay or someone to watch your kids while you take care of business. I wish you and your children the best. I hope you are able to get through this and that it all works out for you.

He can't do it, he just thinks he can. don't let him control you and what you do with your children, cuz fyi they are your kids as well. its better you get away take some time for yourself, and if he doesn't want to understand that then thats on him. go anyway..it obvious that you need to get away and clear your mind..trust me i've been there..threatening to take money away, its not right..you got your family and if they are willing to help you out with anything then go for it. show him that hey you are cabable of doing it on your own. trust me i've been there for 6yrs to be exact..it may not be as long as you have been married, but its a hard choice you have to make and its easier said then done, i have 2 boys a 5yr and a 4mth old.give it time hun, it will work out just give it time and give your self that time and space..at this point you have to think of yourself, your kids and what it is that you want. if you need to vent talk, whatever let me know us mama's got to stick together...i wish you and your family the very best hun...

Please take care of yourself and your kids. Get out of that house.

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening.. As someone who has been through this as both the significant other and child I feel your pain... Try and keep your chin up and try to not let the kiddos know what happens as much as possible.. that being said have a plan of attack.. You have to have as much evidence as possible you have to hide money that he doesn't know about you have to if possible have some what to keep you cool if the police do come... I had a tape of him threatening me and thats what worked (he didn't know I was taping his threats). At least he's trying the counseling. Just remember hid all the money that you can and never give it back!! Even if you think things are fine!

This sounds like the opening scene to that movie "The Burning Bed" -- hon, you need to get him into counselling, go with because it does take 2 to be married, and see if he'll change, but i'd take the advice of the other ladies and open your own account. My sister went through this same thing and she didn't leave and went 23 yrs w/ a man like this, to the point where, when she broke her back (we suspected he did it for a long time but she assured us he didn't) he was so happy to have a captive at home, and he still abused her mentally (and physically at times). Men who have problems like that cannot be helped without counselling. My sister's man finally left after 23 yrs, just recently, and she was at first sad (after that long of hearing what a worthless person you are, it's hard to find your bearings, it's true!), but she is jus twaking up to the fact that she can actually have friends over now whenever she wants, can go shopping when she wants, doesn't have to ask for permission, doesn't have to make his stupid dinners (hotdogs and beans, he had arrested development of about age 12). HORRId man, I suggest you see what you can do to work it out... but from what you are describing, ther'es not much help for a mind like that, at least not without heavy medication. GOOD LUCK, if you need any help or advice, we are here!

Wow, what a nightmare. I would pack my things, stop by the police station and let them know what's going in case he wants to accuse you of kidnapping too. Move in with your parents and tell him you're not coming home until you both go to counseling. When you start seeing some improvement you can go home for only a few hours to test him under that environment. You need to wean back into your life together again. Take it slow so that you know that he's actually changing instead of just prentending. Don't let him rush you into moving back in until you're completely comfortable. Otherwise, you'll be back to square one.

Jennifer, please leave this man immediately and go to the safety of your family. All you want to do is go visit family, and he throws out these kind of threats? File a police report-- if not for you, but for the safety of your kids. I will pray for you

If you need a place to come, email me and I'll come pick you and your kids up
____@____.com

Call "A Safe Place" in Waukegan. ###-###-#### or www.asafeplaceforhelp.org It is an organization that can help you. They help women in your situation. I know people who have been there and they can help you. At least for the advise. You need to get out, but do it carefully! Sounds as if your husband can be dangerous. You must get you and your children out! Don't let anyone treat you this way. There are places that can help! I wish you well!

Are you KIDDING?? Why in the world would you subject yourself and your child to this? There is no gray area here. You need to get out immediately and you may even need a restraining order against this very troubled man. You are enabling his behavior and stalling any attempt at intervention to uncover and deal with the many serious issues he has. Do this for your child's sake, your sake and HIS sake. Now. It will only get worse.

Hi Jennifer,

Wow, that's a lot to deal with especially having two little ones at home. I grew up watching my mother go through similar problems and I learned some lessons from her. As the other ladies say.....have your own checking account. I would put it with a bank that doesn't currently hold your joint accounts. I would also do as the other suggested and put some money from your joint accounts into that account at the earliest opportunity. I'm not sure I'd clean out your joint accounts because that could really set him off and I"m sure you/he has household bills to pay. I'm glad to hear your scheduled for counseling.

As for the kids, I would tell every person I know about his threats and I would also try to rarely be alone with him. Got a good girlfriend who's willing to hang out at your house when he arrives home from work for a couple hours? Not only will he be less likely to go off on you with her around but she'll be a good witness if he does. And don't be afraid by his threats. Think about it, I hate to use her as an example but look at Brittney Spears, she's gone off her rocker and has legitimately endangered her kids long before a judge took them away. No judge is going to take your kids from you for taking them to visit your family. You may want to remind him that if he pushes you too far you'll divorce him and then he'll only see his kids every other weekend so it's in his best interest to back off. I would tell your family and HIS family about his behaviour and that your scared. Finally, I'd make it very clear to him that he doesn't frighten you and that his threats are falling on deaf ears and that you will not be controlled any longer. These are YOUR kids, you carried them, birthed them and are the primary caregiver and if he doesn't back off, grow up and chill out, it will be YOU taking his sorry butt to court. Next time he threatens to call the cops, hand him the phone. Above all stay calm and matter of fact. Refuse to give him the satisfcation of displayiing emotion. And if he does call the cops they'll see a lunatic ranting man and a cool calm woman/mother and then he'll just begin to dig his own hole. It sounds like he's been controlling and intimidating in the past and maybe in the past you showed that you were intimidated and didn't stand up for yourself. I bet if you give it right back to him if nothing else it'll make him think twice. Even if you don't feel like you can stand up to him or its not in your nature......fake it. Do it a couple times and I bet you feel really good and it's easier next time and it's very likely he'll get the message that you can't be pushed around.

Good luck and make sure you surround yourself with people who know you, know how you are with your kids and who know what's going on in your home. If the worst happens, they'll be the support network you need.