Three Year Old Acting Out - Los Angeles,CA

Yes, this sounds normal, her teachers and pediatrician are correct.

You know, parenting is an ongoing job. She's going to continue to grow and develop and change and challenge you in countless ways for the next fifteen plus YEARS. Yes, it IS a struggle, but the lovely baby books don't tell you that, do they?
Just like they don't tell you about all the bloody cramping and misery that follows childbirth :-(
And at three years old you want her to just listen and do what you say the FIRST time?
Sorry sweetie, I just spit out my iced tea reading that. Wait until she is nine, or twelve or fifteen.
You've got a very long road ahead of you, time to stop missing the baby you could (somewhat) control and start reading up on childhood development, what to expect and how to guide and enforce decent if not perfect behavior in a growing kid/teen.

Totally normal. And just to let you know that her telling you she cried because she missed you and her father probably isn't true. She was crying because she didn't want to stop doing the one activity and by the time you talked about it with her she had forgotten (because 3 yr olds don't remember stuff like that) and told you something you'd understand. One of my granddaughters is the same age and she'll pull at her working mom's heart by telling her 'I miss you already' as she walks out the door. Minute the door closes there's no further mention of mom until she comes to pick her up and them its all 'I missed you so much.'

She'll grow out of it .... and into something new that will question your ability to parent.

It does sound pretty typical. The one thing that jumped out at me is that in the last 6 months, she gets much less of your and daddy's attention. Six months ago, you brought a new "attention taker" (her brother) into the home, and you increased the days she's away from home. It may help to do some mother/daughter and daddy/daughter activities with her that don't include her brother. I think she is trying to figure out where she fits in to this new family dynamic.

As far as getting her to listen the first time, parents of much older children are still trying to figure that out.

3 was worse for us than 2, so I'll echo the other mamas. Pretty typical. Just something I thought I'd throw out there though, does she get plenty of one-on-one time with both you and dad? Especially now that the baby is here, it might be really good for each of you to make an effort in that, if you aren't already. Otherwise though, I think it's just typical behavior, and you'll just have to be patient and outlast her. Show her acting this way gets her no rewards. She'll figure it out. Good luck!

hee!
no.
you can't just make a 3 year old not be a 3 year old.
'but i don't want to' is a perfectly rational response to a little person at her stage of development. there is no magic button to make her become an instantly obedient automaton (and you'd probably hate it if your strong-willed little whirlwind were to become soft and compliant.)
her teachers are handling it perfectly. follow their lead. be firm, and calm, and make sure the rules are a) simple enough for her to understand and b) applied with consistency so she learns to rely on them.
it's absolutely her job right now to test the limits. she doesn't know where 'too far' lies, and she's not intellectually ready to hear philosophical explanations about it. so she pushes until mommy says 'no further', then pushes a little more to make sure mommy actually means it. after a few repetitions she understands that 'here' is where the boundary lies.
then she goes and finds a new one.
this is how she learns about the world.
sometimes it's frustrating to be 3, and have a confusing world not conform. frustrated 3 year olds cry. that doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong. quite the contrary.
she just needs her parents to be chill, loving, accepting, and firm. parenting 3 year olds is not for the faint of heart, but oh my, what a sweet and exciting phase it is! try not to focus so much on the struggle, which is indeed inevitable to some degree, but on the exciting progress.
:) khairete
S.

Welcome to the Terrible Threes!
Our son skipped over Terrible Twos but Terrible Threes was where he had his worst tantrums.
Yeah, I'd expect a new baby brother to cause some regression in some behaviors.
It will get better eventually - but it might be closer to 4 when she's finally her sweet self again.
I'd expect it to be a rather challenging year.
BE PATIENT! (hard to do I know but hang in there!)

If she's tired or hungry - don't even attempt going anywhere!
(We did take out till our son was 4 yrs old - we never took him into a restaurant until he was old enough to have some manners in public.)
If you have 2 parents - split the kids up - each parent take one (do an errand or something) and then switch off kids every so often.

"Is there anything else I can do to get her to just listen the first time I ask"?
There are TEENAGERS who still don't have that down!
Don't expect a toddler to be more mature than she is.
When a kid is busy playing - they are in their own world and they really don't hear you.
It gets better if you
1 - get their attention (have her come to you and look you in your face).
2- tell her what you want her to do (keep it short and specific "Pick up your toys" is too general - break it into short simple tasks "Put your blocks in the box" then when that's done "Put your books on the shelf", etc)
3 - Once you told her what to do have her repeat what you just said (if they don't understand what you are asking then this is the time to explain it better).

Once you get the hang of asking in that certain way, communication tends to get a lot better.

I use to play a game with our son.
Every so often I'd ask him to do something and he'd say 'No'.
I'd turn around and ask a bit sharply "What did you say? Did you say "NO" to your Mommy who loves you so much?" all the while my tickle hands are coming out, and before you'd know it he'd be tickled and tummy flubbed and laughing and he'd forget all about not wanting to get what ever it was done.
It got us over quite a few rough spots!

You'll get through this eventually but it's going to take some time.

Sounds like a typical three-year-old.

she is acting totally normal! she will grow out of it. but at 5 my son still acts out once in a while
my 3 yr old acts out nearly all the time and can be quite challenging at times. just be patient, this too shall pass..

3 was a hard age for both of my kids, far worst than 2. She is learning how to express emotions (not the way you would like, but shes expressing herself) Tell her what is expected, let her know when her behavior is unacceptable. She will get through this, although one thing always turns into another as they get older. Raising kids isn't for the faint hearted.

The "terrible twos" is a myth. It is actually the "terrible threes". Having a new sibling is probably part of it, but I really think it is just the stage that three year olds go through. They are wanting to be more independent and that can come across as stubbornness or even defiance. They are starting to experience a greater variety of feelings, but don't really know how to express those feelings yet. Thus the moodiness and more frequent breakdowns.

With both of my kids I had to make sure that I had their complete attention. I always said their names and made sure they were looking at me before I said anything else. Sometimes it even meant that I had to gently grab their cheeks and make them look at me. I always gave just one step instructions. I always gave choices when I wanted them to do something. (Do you want to pick up your toys now or when the timer goes off in two minutes? You need to take a bath. Do you want to take it now or after your snack?) If they couldn't make a decision I gave them 2-3 minutes to decide. The microwave timer was used more during the age of 3 than any other time! Sometimes I just had to walk away and try to ignore their tantrums.

It takes a lot of patience. But it will pass. They turn 4 and they are completely different kids! Try to stay as consistent as possible and that helps too.

I'm a pretty old fashioned discipinarian as things go. I put my foot down on tantrums, defiance, aggression, or any other habits that would have gotten harder to nip after age 3 and would never be tolerated...my favorite simple, calm, loving, EFFECTIVE guide was "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson. That timeless system worked wonders with my three very different kids ranging from easy, to mega-stubborn, to super angry by nature.

But I have to say in the examples you give here..I don't see a problem. Kids do have feelings, and they can be sensitive and intense. They cry sometimes and get sad over stuff...the wrong book being read or wrong friend doing wrong thing..sometimes daycare providers need to apply "discipline" which isn't much in daycare settings..time-outs and whatnot. The trick is not to put too much attention on these normal types of little kid "problems" and adjustments. They need to work it out for themselves. Sounds like your preschool staff is doing fine.

As for making her not say "I don't want to", there is really nothing wrong with voicing the opinion that the child doesn't want to. The problem is when you say they must (if it's something they truly must comply with) and then they throw a big fit or start lashing out aggressively or whatever. You don't want those habits to start. But just saying they don't want to is fine as long as you keep the upper hand in a clear and calm manner.

So for an example, "Ok, sweet pea, time to brush teeth and go to bed." "I don't want to." "I know, but it's time for bed, so here we go." : Child complies. Yay! This type of thing can be achieved without rewards for doing what's acceptable in the Back to Basics Book. But if it's more like "OK Sweet Pea, time to brush teeth and go to bed." And the child says, "I don't want to." and you repeat your request and they dig in their heels and throw fits and run you through hoops and never comply: That's not OK. Get the book. If she was good up until now it means she's easy by nature and going through natural 3s. The book will work well and quickly like it did with my first who needed very little discipline to behave. My other two had me working much harder by 18 months :)

3 is the perfect time for her to learn all these things. You want heathy boundaries, not complete subservience.

Everything you have described is very typical 3 year old behavior. Keep doing the 1,2,3 thing. It works. It is not a cure all that will make your 3 year old turn into a perfect model child lol. But it will stop her from doing the undesirable behavior. And yes you will still be doing it when she is 8,9 10 etc lol. It would be great if kids did the perfect thing all the time but they don't. Your ped is right. Just keep doing what your doing. Every one says terrible 2's but for me 3's were worse. So just keep doing what your doing. She will be fine.

IME, three year olds tend to suck, worse than any other age. Even without a new sibling to factor in. Everything you listed sounds totally normal.

Be consistent, don't put up with the nonsense, and it will pass.

Terrible threes are awful.

I don't like the angry 5s either, but what you're describing is normal. She's growing up. Be Less demanding, and offer more choices. Lots of "when you are done picking up, we can have that cookie." So when you have done X, you can have something you really want.

Also, make it about ability. I don't suppose you can get your coat and put it on yourself, can you? Empower, support, confront less. And yes, walk away when she doesn't listen. They want to please, so make it possible for her to do so. And lots of extra cuddle time every day.

Ah ha parenting.com is great.

And lastly, get down to her level and look her in the eye, then tell her what you need her to do. Sometimes they just need to be touched to get their attention, they are just off somewhere else.