Time Outs-Effective?

I have been using time outs with my 2.5 year old since he was about 18 months. The first couple of times I had to keep going back and putting him back into the chair. I probably had to do that about 15 times before he sat in the chair. I do one minute for each year old. So at first I just made him sit for 1 minute. Now he sits for 2. He tends to cry, scream or beg while he is in time out. But he sits there. When it is over I make him tell me what he did wrong & apologize for it. THen we hug and kiss. If he was in time out b/c he did something to his brother, then I also make him apologize, hug & kiss his brother too. My younger son (now 15 months) has been doing time outs for about 2 months now. He understands that when he does something wrong he goes to time out and sits there until I get him. It works for us.

I think each child is different. My 3 yr old boy puts himself in a timeout if he thinks he needs it. We have only put both (my 17 mn old just got 1 for the 1st time) kids in for the number of minutes they are in age.

The early years are a challenge, no matter what techniques you employ, because there is a long, slow learning period in which children are often frustrated by their parents' rules, expectations and schedules. Rather than "correct" babies and toddlers, distraction, redirection, anticipating problem situations and avoiding them whenever possible, are all good strategies. (Relaxing an overly-demanding schedule, or checking your expectations to be sure they are realistic, can help, too.)

Discipline is a sensitive area, and parents are often in the uncomfortable position of defending their own beliefs against all the parents who practice some other approach. I'm very much in favor of evidence-based techniques, and that means taking both the positives and negatives into account (even the best techniques have possible negatives). In addition to my own daughter and grandson, I've known dozens of families with young children, and those who practice compassionate parenting with empathetic communication and clear expectations have always ended up with great kids. Time-outs seldom enter into the picture.

Time-outs reportedly work much better for some children than others. But many parents and behavioral experts believe that they work best as a calming technique, not a punishment. If they become a long, drawn-out battle, the original purpose has been completely lost on the child, and the dynamic becomes win/lose.

My personal ideal is to win the child over to my team and my goals, not to defeat his team or trash his goals. That is the beginning of an adversarial relationship, and the parent can only keep winning until the child becomes too strong, or too willful, or too devious. I've seen way too many of those families suffer tremendously as those children become independent, which nearly all children do, eventually.

I think time outs DO work but WE as parents tend to fail them...not the kids. Time outs take work and lots of it. We have to give the time out, and enforce it and KEEP enforcing them and following through on the threats...if we don't, that's when the time outs don't work.

Our time outs were given where the child was NOT the center of attention, could not see a TV or hear a radio and had nothing to do but sit and serve his/her time. If they got up and left their seat, the timer started over again. They got a minute for each year old they were. Time outs were inforced in the middle of stores, libraries, family functions...didn't matter. If you decide that you are going to discipline your child it needs to be swift, consistant, and IMMEDIATE...if all you do is say, "just wait until you get home..." then you've already lost your power. They need to know you mean business here and now. That their acting up in a store or wherever you are is not to be tolerated and will be dealt with immediately.

Invariably, every time I have found myself sitting in on another Love and Logic or Common Sense Parenting class it was because I failed to keep following through...we get lulled into a phase where our kids are doing good and don't need time outs and we get lazy...when that happens and we let our guards down is when they will start acting out...and if we don't keep a vigilance on it then it quickly spirals out of control.

My kids started in time outs around 18mos. They knew basic commands like sit and stay. They knew they had done wrong and I talked to them frankly. I told them they had to sit in the chair/on the steps until the timer dinged. If they got up early, they would have to do it again. No crying, no whining while in time out...once the temper tantrum finishes is when time out starts, otherwise all they do is pitch a fit and learn nothing from it. It's frustrating and time consuming but YES, it works.

It depends on the child....
it can work... but not in a retaliatory way...
but if you over-use it... to me, it won't work. Kids just get desensitized to things too... so find what will work with your child....

Sometimes, doing a "toy timeout" is just as effective... taking away a toy and putting it up on a shelf.

The book "Have A New Kid By Friday." by Leman, is also real good... with a good approach. Non punitive.
Or the book "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."
Both real good books. You can find it online like at Amazon or E-bay, or bookstores.
I recommend it.
I have both of these books.

BUT, from about 2 years old, and with age-appropriate talking to the child, you NEED to teach them about feelings/emotions... the names for it and how to say it so they can tell you. That "grumpy" feelings are okay... but that they express themselves nicely. AND that they CAN tell Mommy how they feel, good or bad. And how they are a PART of the "family" and that we all do "teamwork."

That 's what I teach my kids. My son, who is only 3.5 years old... when "I" am grumpy will even tell me "Mommy talk nicely... we're family..." And I am REAL PROUD of him, for having that level of articulation and cognizance.
It takes practice... and teaching them that.... over time, they will acquire the skills/understanding for it. My young son, is proof. My older daughter is the same way. Its a good skill.

good luck,
Susan

As others have said, consistency is key. But that is true of any discipline method.

You have some good response here. Although, I didn't use time-outs, I didn't quite get what the point was for them and still don't. When my kids got in trouble, I separated them from the situation/area that they were getting into trouble with and told them "no". That seemed to work. My kids have never thrown a tantrum or screamed and yelled at me, simply b/c it is not an option for them. I did inherit my grandmother's 'the look' and firm tone (I do not yell, it took a while to learn that lesson - that just made my kids scared of me) and maybe my kids inherited my skill to know when not to 'push it'. Also, maybe I just have easy kids (I always say I am set up to have tough teenage years b/c they have been so easy). They are well behaved but certainly NOT perfect! I let them test the waters and test boundaries - that's my job to guide and teach.

Do what you feel is best and what will work for you and your kids. As the others have said, consistency is key. Whatever you do pick that works, stick with it with no wavering. If you give in just once - they've got your number and will use it against you and you will have to start all over.

Good luck!
Blessings & Peace

They can work really well, but in the beginning it takes a lot of work on your part. You must be consistent. Each time she gets out of the chair you place her back.. Could take many times.

Many children will place themselves in time out eventually.. Remember 2 year olds cannot always verbalize what they are feeling, so be sure to give her some words when you see a reaction coming on.. "You look disappointed that you cannot have a cookie right now. How about some orange slices. "

"You look frustrated because your toy is broken". "Go and find a new toy". "Your feeling look hurt, because the children will not share." "I will share with you. "

"You look sad, would you like a hug?".

Also you and your husband need to verbalize your feelings in front of your child so she can see and hear how you handle these "feelings". "I feel tired, I think I will rest for a L. while." "I feel mad, I think I will sit down and calm down by looking at a book."

Time outs only work if you are consistant. No child wants to get in trouble, and no child wants to sit down. I use "sit downs" withmy 15 month old and she learned the first day I started using them. (I call them sit down instead of time outs because I only do them for less than a minute and I sit her down on the floor right next to me).
I started time outs at 2 years old. Is it easy? Absolutly not! You have to take the time to put the child back in time out, even if they get up 20 times. I invested in an egg timer and as soon as the child stopped getting up, I would set the time. (1 minute for each year of age) By letting a child get up and walk away from timeout is only setting your self up for failure.
I think of it this way. I would rather spend the time now on proper discipline that have an older child that is unruly and disrespectful.
Pick a discipline that you are willing to stick with and start now or you will end up regreting it.

i read somewhere that timeouts should be used as a time to calm down and not a punishment but i totally disagree. i started using them when my son was around 2 and he attempted to get down a couple times but i warned him i was going to pop his butt and he tested it so i followed through with what i said and now time outs are more hated then but poppings lol

I've never used them, it always seems like an elaborate system when just saying no will do the trick. Sometimes it seems like the parent is giving some long explanation of how and why discipline is about to happen...whereas I don't feel I owe my kids any explanations if they break a known rule or are behaving in a way that they KNOW is not acceptable.

I think they're effective if that's the most appropriate punishment for your child and for the behavior they've committed.

Our kids are 2 and almost 4. Time outs have not been effective in our house. Our kids have completely different personalities, so while we're consistent on the behavior for which we punish, we've adapted the discipline according to their personalities.

For our son (almost 4), it's more of taking things away. He does better in time outs, but he doesn't understand the cause/effect of it yet. He can look into a corner and sing a story to himself which isn't really a punishment.

Our 2 year old daughter will cry if we tell her something sternly. She gets completely unreasonable making time-outs ineffective as well. She's not needed as much discipline as her brother yet, but we're sure the tides will be changing soon.

You'll find as much evidence supporting time-outs as against them, spanking vs. not, etc. I think you really need to do what's right for your situation and make the discipline appropriate for the behavior. It will evolve as the child develops with more groundings and more things of importance being taken away the older they get.

Time outs are great for older children who already have their boundaries and self control firmly set and are being REMOVED from a fun activity which they really hate to miss out on as a consequence during a public outing or something-which will hardly ever be necessary since they can act well already by that age with just a warning.
They are not effective for toddlers who don't really know why they are being made to sit somewhere different after misbehaving. They also enable tantrums, as lots of kids, once they "get it" that it's supposed to be a consequence, feel mad about it so they cry and throw fits and make their parents put them in them repeatedly to see who can outlast the other.
You're better off with firmer clearer consequences at a younger age to prevent the need for the endless time outs. The "consistency" needed with them is a L. outrageous. Kids are smart and can control themselves much younger than many people think. Don't indulge wrong behaviors for weeks and months-sometimes years- by putting yourself through time outs. Nip things in the bud! The less time you spend on discipline, the more "positive" things you can focus on.

Based on my research, time outs aren't effective until sometime around age 3, for the reasons you site - they just don't get them. I do recommend that you read Positive Discipline: The First Three Years. They talk about positive time-outs and they have been very effective with my daughter since she was about 20 months.

HTH,

C.

Effective in what way ~ To nulify the situation you are in at a given moment? OR To completely stop a behavior you want stopped for good? In my experience, it seemed to only work as a fix to a situation at the moment, it wasn't an effective "learning tool" because the behavoir would be just be repeated at another time/day. Other measures worked better to competely "stop" a behavior or action I didn't want repeated.

I'm a big believer in time-outs. We started when my son was about 18 months (he's 31 months now), which is about when my son's daycare starts them too. At school they call them "take a break" which really is more what it is in my mind. I use them to disrupt the "loop" my son gets into sometimes of making bad choices. I find that we use them the most 1 hour before bed/nap time, when he's tired and not as in control of his own behaviors as he usually is. There are some behaviors that earn an automatic time out (hitting, mostly), but mostly I think they are a space and time for him to get back in control of himself. Now my son will verbalize that either he needs a time out (if he does something he knows he shouldn't have) or if he sees other people making bad choices. He told me the other day that a motorcycle driver who flew around us with no helmet on was "making bad choices and needs to go to time out." Pretty funny, but also shows me that he gets it.

Just like anything else, if time outs are not well thought-out, consistent, and appropriate, it not not only won't work, but makes the problem worse. The first time we did a time out, I carried him back to the step (I like Supernanny's approach) 17 times. It was awful, and took an hour for a 1 minute time out. A couple days later, he went back to time out and I carried him back 7 times. By the 3rd time, he got it and sat there. He probably goes to timeout at home 3 times a week now, and once a month at school.

most times kids will not sit in the corner that young. i put my son in crib for time out. he gets the message. if he says he will be good i take him out after a few minutes. if he says he will not be good he stays in there fir a few more. it seems to work. good luck.

From everyone's responses it sounds like you have to determine if this is effective for you and your children. If you want to do it effectively then you have to be consistent. My 2 1/2 yr old is extremely stubborn and this is working to curb his behavior. My oldest was the same way too and these worked for him. Both have the kind of personality where they need to be stopped so they can calm down. Time outs give them the space to do that.

My two children between the eldest and the youngest haven't really needed this method. In fact my 6 year old just needs to be told how his good behavior helps our family and then he can change it himself. The middle two also have more natural self control and are more easy going.

My feeling about discipline is that it should be able to teach a skill. Could the idea of having space help your daughter learn that when emotions are high she can take a break and come back to it? Are there other things you can do to teach this skill? Time out is not the only option when we think this way.

For me time out when they are too L. to reason works as a good way to calm them down and then come back to the situation and teach them how to deal with it. My two year old gets a warning if he tries to throw something that he will go in the high chair. He then puts the object down and then we go over "being nice" and "being happy" to make up for his action. (This usually involves stroking the face of the person he is angry at.) As he gets older I can add on this and teach a L. deeper as his ability to reason improves. I then transition from time out to privileges lost and other consequences.

Good luck.

Time outs do work but you need to be consistent at giving them as well as enforcing them. If you have a rule, you need to be consistent. If you are wishy washy, then the children don't really know when you mean business... and then they don't have respect for you either... that makes for huge issues later on.
You tell the child the rule and the consequence. If they break the rule, they get put in time out. Time out is on a chair or a step or a mat -- NOT in the bedroom. I used a hard kitchen chair. If they get out, they go back in and the time starts over. One min. for each year of age. The first few are the longest. They keep getting up. Be firm, strong, and don't talk to them. Just put them back and re-start the timer. If you start a time out, you cannot give up in the middle. You have to keep going. If you give up, you've undermined yourself and they will have zero respect - they'll end up walking all over you.
My oldest spent a lot of time in time out. My youngest maybe spent 3 times in the chair...

YMMV
LBC

I don't believe in spanking in any situation so I use time-outs and it is effective but you have to be consistent. you use 1 minute per year of age. So your daughter would sit for 2 minutes. Set a timer. Have one set spot that is used for time-outs. Consistency is the key to any form of discipline. Then kids learn what to expect and what is expected of them. My son and daughter were both under 2 when i started using it. You may have to sit with your daughter until she "gets" it because it hasn't been consistently applied at this point.

I also started using (i think it's called) 1-2-3 magic. That's the warnings and then if we reach 3 it's time-out. I rarely ever had to get to 3 was the cool thing. it was just enough to get my son's attention and he'd stop and change his behavior. I've started doing it with my daughter but she's not 2 yet so she doesn't quite get it but if I put her in time out she totally changes her behavior.