Soooooo.....here's to editing and hoping it comes across better! OYE!
I've read a lot of posts over the past month regarding stressful holiday situations with husbands and parents and in-laws and have genuinely felt horrible for mama's suffering. Seems like there are a lot of guilt trips placed on some of us mama's over who's doing what or not doing what this time of year and I think we carry it in ways that make us feel bad...under-appreciated and even abused in some cases! Lots of MIL's with martyr-like descriptions of doing "everything" when "no one cares" and using this as a means to get mama's out there to do things they wouldn't normally ever accept from anyone. Everything from exposing children to known allergies to not inviting mama's because they still talk with ex-FIL to husbands who don't buy gifts that demonstrate meaning. All the while, mama's everywhere are just trying to make the holiday special for their kids and make everyone happy. A very tall order in some cases, but they soldier on!
My question was originally intended (though failed miserably) to ask you all how you manage people in your life this time of year who act differently and maybe even manipulatively this time of year because it's 'this time of year'. I ask because maybe it will feel good to reflect on successful boundary setting and might help mama's in negative situations for next year.
I've known people in the past who have done wonderful things and only ever wanted to see a smile...not even a thank you was required. YAY! But I've also known people who have done a lot not ever asked of them who then got very angry with others for not appreciating them enough or for 'expecting' things that maybe weren't ever actually expected. Maybe they put too much pressure on themselves and feel overwhelmed so it comes out in unpleasant ways.
I think most of us experience the genuineness of giving for most of the year. But some of us have 'toxic' people in our lives and struggle this time of year so my intent was to ask for input on how to successfully manage to maintain self esteem and joy this time of year if you are also around people who are not so pleasant.
Truly, this is just an exercise in sharing success strategies. I had a wonderful holiday and have managed to survive this entire season stress free...completely stress free! I earned it as I'm 36 and it was the first holiday NOT filled with stress or people who are not so pleasant. Personally, I've eliminated martyr's from my life and am all the more happier to share love with genuinely loving people. But the compassion in my heart is there for folks who haven't eliminated toxic people from their holidays and most people aren't extreme enough to eliminate toxic people altogether as I have done, so I thought you all might have some good idea's for others on how to manage difficult family expectations that feel bad when obligation is dominating the season.
That's all:)
I re-worded the original post because of unintended offense...sorry mama's:)
I have a few friends that I call 'mommy martyrs'. Basically they take ALL the parenting/household responsibilities onto themselves, voluntarily, and then complain about how their husbands and children don't appreciate all they do. It kinda drives me crazy. It doesn't make them *better* mothers, just more stressed out ones. I just don't get the payoff these people get and why it's worth everything they put themselves through!
Don't feel like you have to keep future ponderings to yourself. It's fun to look at different perspectives.
Some of the other posters are right that not everyone who does those things that you didn't do are martyrs. Some do act that way. Sometimes those who do things out of love can feel unappreciated at times. Everyone has bad moments sometimes. Just life...
There have also been times when I did something I didn't really want to for someone else and it has turned into a real blessing for me. The important thing for each of us is to figure out what works for us and go with it. We can't control anyone else.
personally I had a wonderful holiday, Yes I had to plan and shop and clean my house, after worki8ng full time, Yes i had to work to make sure my youngest realized the true meaning of Christmas, lots of Church activities, and caroling to elderly and wrapping presents together when it would be easier to do it alone, but being together with family and seeing everyone happy makes everything worth it, I dont need a lot of appreciation, just smiles! Maybe you've just Overdone it in the past and can find a happy medium. Maybe you have a lousy family if so I'm sorry. Maybe you dont appreciate your time with your extended family because you've never lost anyone, if so I'm happy for you.
Glad you enjoyed your holiday this year, Merry Christmas
It sounds like you have a lot of dysfunctional people in your extended family, and you are probably doing the right thing by choosing not to spend a lot of time or energy on them, altho you may be spending more emotional energy on them than you think you are. I have always tried to do what I want for who I want, and do it out of love, no strings attached - but my whole family is sort of that way, so it comes naturally to me. For those in-laws who are not so much that way, I just let it roll off... it's not worth stressing about.
Why did you post this? If your holiday was as perfect as you describe then why are you dwelling on all of the things you "didn't miss"? IMHO it sounds as if you did not get the feedback you were looking for in regards to your attitude about Christmas so you are looking for it here. I had a wonderful and blessed holiday and I am revelling in that, not in the negativity of what wasn't, I hope you can do the same. Too much energy is spent thinking about how other people live their lives instead of just living ours the best way for us.
I think you need to go take a long, peaceful nap because your post comes across as someone overly tired and burned out. Maybe your mood and thoughts will change after you get some rest.
Take care.
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You write "I ask because maybe it will feel good to reflect on successful boundary setting and might help mama's in negative situations for next year."
Here's what I'm thinking are going to be my boundaries for next year:
My in laws can all kiss my a**!
Sorry, A., guess I'm just not at the reflective, boundary-setting mindset yet. :-)
I also agree that your post sounds like you are very tired (esp emotionally), and it comes across as harsh.
We spend time with family and give gifts (only to close family, not to extended family or friends, though) because we *want* to. In no way do I feel unappreciated, or like a "martyr" for anything I do, during the holidays nor year round. I didn't get anything yesterday from DH, and I'm perfectly happy with that! We are saving up for a new car, so I told him I didn't want him spending money on any Christmas gifts for me. That doesn't make me feel like a martyr, or that I gave anything up in any way. I enjoyed the holidays because we were surrounded by family and friends, and also in seeing the joy on my kids faces.
If I do a good deed, it's not to get something in return. I do it out of love. I don't get angry or hurt if others seem to not appreciate what I do. If someone gets hurt or feels like a "martyr", then maybe they aren't doing the good deeds for the right reasons and need to re-evaluate why they are doing what they are doing.
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After reading your edited post, it's much clearer what you're trying to say! Thanks:-) But my post still stands...if someone feels the way you describe, then they should re-evaluate the things they do, how they handle the holidays, and who they spend them with. And if someone is doing things for others, and expecting something in return, then maybe they should re-evaluate what they're doing and why.
IMHO your post comes across a bit harsh, but I think I *get* what you are trying to say.
I don't believe in martyrdom either, except in very limited circumstances.
The holidays puts alot of pressure on people, especially moms, and it can bring out frustration. I just try to keep it all in balance.
We had a great time time too - very blessed.
Not everyone who strives to make the holiday wonderful for those around them feels like a martyr the day after and not everyone who gives expects something in return. I'd be willing to wager that many many families are basking in the happy afterglow of a lovely holiday, as mine is.
Some of us give without the need or desire for thanks. That we made a difference in the lives of others is satisfying. Personally, I provided Christmas toys for 7 children of poverty, gave to two Toys for Tots drives, threw money in the Salvation Army kettle, took Thanksgiving and Christmas meals to two elderly shut-in women, included a lonely person in a family party and gave a grocery gift card large enough for Christmas dinner for a family where the wage earner is very ill. There's more, but you catch my drift. I don't need anyone to thank me, I have enough for myself and can share...."no strings attached." In fact the only reason I mentioned this is to make a point.
That you are building traditions for your family that suit you and make you happy is a wonderful thing. But do it because it makes you happy, not because you have baggage from your upbringing or it makes you feel superior. Everyone is different, has different wants and needs. There's enough room for all of us in this world.
I try to establish traditions for my own immediate family and if I'm hosting, we also work in a tradition or two from my SIL's family and any other people visiting for an extended time. But, in general, we have set things we do our way. Then if someone wants something else to happen or wants us to do something different, we just explain that we aren't able to do more. I have lots of room for flexibility...unanticipated visitors, new ideas that come up, but I pretty much take care of my own list of things to control and do my best to not add too much more..or it can just get crazy! If something negative pops up, like MIL has trouble with the gift I bought for the grandkids for her, then I try to let it go. I can only do so much. I will help when/if I can and give as much as I can, but I do try to limit the negative energy as much as possible.
Thank you.
I think it's OK to use the word "martyr" to describe
people who spend all their energy on doing for others
and then feel hurt and unappreciated when
they are not recognized and praised for spending all that energy.
In this context, the word is not reflective of the historical martyrs
of church history but is a psychological/sociological description
of a set of behaviors and attitudes.
Well...I really take issue with any of this being close to a "martyr"
mar·tyr
/ˈmɑrtər/ Show Spelled[mahr-ter] Show IPA
–noun
1.
a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.
2.
a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.
All these things you describe are EASY problems. Problems, that really aren't problems. You can just not do any of these things. We could all not do any of these things. You aren't fighting for anything. You have your freedoms. You have the choice to put on spectacular holidays, or not to. You have food, shelter, a bed, clothes, family, safety. You (and even very poor Americans) are embedded forever into the top 10%, of the richest people in the world. What exactly, is being sacrificed here?? You can practice whatever religion you choose. Wear whatever you want, say whatever you want, live wherever you want, get an education, have your needs met, have access to clean water, heath care, and government help.
I assume, that your life and the life of your family, is very good. I assume, there is really no "martyrdom" happening around you.
When martyrdom is ACTUALLY martyrdom, it's worth it. When people are ACTUALLY fighting for basic right and liberties, martyrdom is worth it and often tragic, necessary, and a violation of human rights.
Perspective.
In response to your question edit:
I still don't understand the point of this post. I still (personally) find the comparison to a martyr very off-base and incredibly insulting (and insensitive and ridiculous) to those that are. Your question doesn't sound like much of a question. It sounds very self indulgent, actually.
Why is it wrong to want goodness to come back to you if you always try to give it to others? It's not wrong. People want to believe in karma, want to believe in the simple goodness of humanity... for the most part - it is just wishful thinking. It is sad to have to say so, but humanity as a whole is self serving, greedy, lazy, lustful and jealous. It's even worse so in America, where greed, ruthlessness and forcefulness is shown to get power, leadership and appreciation. I wish less countries would look at America as a contemporary or role model.
