Toddler Behavior Concern

I don't have any advice on this matter since I am a SAHM, but I ran across this article today and thought it may be helpful.

http://www.pampers.com/en_US/learning.do?page=tpc_article...

Hope it helps!

First, I notice that you have another child only a year younger, so that is always a concern because you don't want to set a precedent with the next child. But all children are different and different tactics work with different personalities.

So, the point is to be consistent. If one tactic does not seem to work after trying it for awhile, don't be afraid to change. Some behaviors take longer to eliminate than others, but this too shall pass. Just don't ignore what you do not want to live with.

Be happy that your son likes his daycare. You say that you want your evenings to be happy, then try to plan things that he will enjoy and use those as reinforcers for good behavior. Link positive behavior with positive activities.

Your journey has just begun (as has mine), but it is all worth it. It is now that you are setting the foundations for what things will be like when they are teenagers. I am a high school teacher, so I see it ALL the time. Even the worst behaved kids are workable if they have a good relationship with their parents. Kids will always make some bad choices. The important thing is how we deal with them.

(Wow, that was preachy. Good luck!)

The other posters are giving you good advice. I just want to add that for many kids ages 2-5, transitions are very difficult. Think how we feel when people are always telling us when to eat, when to stop playing, and expect us to do it RIGHT NOW, not once we have had a chance to bring our current activity to a close.

So here is my advice:

1) Recognize that both of you are tired and probably emotional touchy at this time of day. You've had a stressful day at work and he has had a stressful day at daycare (yes, daycare is stressful even if they enjoy it).

2) Develop a going home ritual (many people have a dropoff ritual with their kids but not an equivalent one for when they pick them up). Maybe it is to just sit and hug calmly for awhile, maybe he can pick one book for you to read before he goes, maybe it is a special snack waiting for him in the car...you can figure out what will work for you and him.

3) Once you are home, spend 15 minutes snuggling or doing an activity together before you try to start any of your work. Set a timer and explain that to him. Once he feels more secure in your love and attention you will have a much easier time getting dinner ready.

If time-outs and spanking aren't working then stop. Most parents expect young kids to just obey instantly and think they are being disrespectful if they don't. Kids this age don't work that way. Work at being patient, explaining rules repeatedly (ahead of time if possible), and natural consequences rather than "punishments".

Let us know how it goes. And big hugs.

My son acts up when I pick him up from daycare. It's absolutely normal behavior. Check out a book by Brazelton called Touchpoints. He goes over social and emotional develpoment. Basically he is good all day and then he lets out all his emotions on the person he trusts the most. I usually go straight home from daycare and let him get it out. He'll cry for a while and nothing I do works to comfort him. When he's done he's back to his healthy, happy self again. My little guy used to do it more often but now he only does once in a while when he had a stressful day with another toddler fighting over toys and such. You aren't doing anything wrong he's just got to work out the emotions himself.

Oh the joys, right? This is so totally normal.

We ALL (adults) included "hold it together" all day and need to "blow off steam" afterwards. Christopher is being a "good boy" which he already understands is expected of him at daycare and once he is outta there, he needs to act up. Sounds like maybe the other tantrum stuff is spiralling off how this "pickup" time is handled (??). Also, you may want to take a minute to decompress yourself before entering that daycare. Children can sense and respond to our stress levels.

This isn't an issue of how you should discipline him, it's a matter of understanding your child and meeting their needs.

So you need to first understand his temperament (research that if you haven't already) to see if maybe he is just a child who doesn't like transistions/change. You can start telling him, "I know you don't like change. That's OK".

As with any behavior concern for this age group, you need to go through the list of "is he getting enough sleep?", "is he eating enough healthy foods" etc.

Kids that don't "take their parents seriously" are sometimes overdisciplined. My wonder is if we can make you be his advocate (which YOU know you are but he doesn't) instead of his disciplinarian. Especially with spanking, kids learn that you really can't hurt them (THAT'S all you got?) and then your power is gone. Save the discipline - use it sparingly. It's not about you getting him to do what you want him to do. It's about you guiding him toward the right choices.

When he is tantruming, as long as he isn't hurting himself, let him go. He needs to know that his feelings are valid but his behavior isn't. He doesn't have all the skills to "work through it" yet. Tell him you are there to support him and will help him when he needs it. "Do you need a hug yet?", for example. Maybe he needs a room where he can go ballastic in where you know he - and your things- will be safe. Tantrums because less powerful when you allow them. It's not fun anymore to get mom all worked up :). "Mom and Dad and Grace are playing a game and we want you to join us when you are done, OK?" If you are in public, of course you can't do this but just remove him from the situation.

I could write forever on this - I'm past this stage with my kids! But I do have a teenager so you have to bring back out the skills you learned from toddler years :)!

Good luck - cut back on the "discipline" and boost up the "I'm on your side" stuff. You'll need that relationship later in life. Timeouts and spankings won't help when they are teenagers!!

I am a daycare provider and I can tell you your phenonmenon is not unique! I think you have gotten a lot of great advice already. One thing, from the provider's prospective that might help, have the provider start "warning" your son about 5 minutes before you arrive. I have found the "surprise" arrival makes things more difficult. Last, when it is time to go, you are the boss. If that means 2 warnings and then carrying your son out kicking and screaming that is fine. It won't take too many times doing this before he realizes he can't pull your strings. It will also show your youngest what you expect for her behavior as well.

I just wrote this huge, long response and my internet had some error and closed...ugh!!

I just wanted to say that it is very normal and in some ways very necessary.

There are a lot of articles on the internet on this. A lot of times it is called "The Witching Hour"...you may want to google it.

I would love to rewrite everything but with nap time ending soon I don't have the time.

Here is a blurb from an article ........

You pull your minivan full of old Happy Meal bags in front of the Sunny Day Preschool. Through the window you see your child, Dash, and several other smiling children kneeling around a wooden puzzle. Their teacher is nearby. You enter:

"Hi, Deborah! How'd it go today?"

Deborah flashes a broad grin. "Oh, Dash had a great day. Have him show you his painting."

You look at your child. "Hey, Dash! Ready to go?"

Dash ignores you.

"Dash? Come on, honey, let's go."

Dash acts like you're not there.

You tap him on the shoulder. "We have some errands to run, so get your coat, and--" Dash jerks away from you. "I don't want to run any errands!"

"Heh, heh," you chuckle nervously. "We'll talk about it in the car. Come on, honey, we really have to go."

Dash scoots away from you. "No!"

You grab his hand and whisper, "I really don't have time for this. Now come on."

"No!" Dash squinches his face into a mask of crying fury. "I don't want to run errands. I don't want to go in the car!

"Aw, Dash..."

Dash throws a puzzle piece at you. "Go away!"

You chase after him with his coat, lunchbox and his picture in hand. "Dash, I mean it."

Dash sees his picture in your hand. "You folded my painting!" He pounds you with his fists. "You ruined it! I hate you!"

You turn beet red. Catching hold of his wrists, you look to his teacher for help.

"Gee, I don't understand it," Deborah says, shrugging. "Dash was perfectly fine until you got here."

Dash is screaming as you drag him to the van.

"Get in the car!" you say between clenched teeth. "You know you're not supposed to kick or hit. What is WRONG with you?"

"WAHHHHHHHH!"

You cancel the errands. As you drive home, you wonder, "How could I be such a failure as a parent? Maybe he really does hate me!"

Back home, a still sobbing Dash throws himself on the couch and falls asleep. You collapse at the kitchen table, totally defeated, and eat a handful of Fruit Loops straight out of the box. (You hate Fruit Loops. You hate your life.)

Malcolm and I went through the above scenario with both of our children through many years of preschool. Now that Dash is in third grade, he has a more modified version of the meltdown. But we don't have the parental angst we used to because we discovered what was causing his total emotional breakdown: social pressure.

We realized it was hard for Dash (or any kid) to spend an entire day "being good." He had shared his toys when he really didn't want to; played with others when he was used to playing alone; waited his turn when he was used to going first; and followed lots of instructions from the teacher.

When one of us came to pick him up, it was the first time in six hours that Dash could relax. All of the pent-up frustrations burst out of him in one big rush of emotion. Finally, here was someone who would love him no matter what he did!

Now Malcolm and I give the kids regular time off from school. Some days we just let them stay home and not worry about being liked, or perfect, or playing well with others. We let them just "be."

I've heard this discussed so many times in ECFE classes, and I think it's pretty normal. Your son probably acts out more with you because he's closest to you; toddlers tend to test those with whom they're more comfortable, because it provides security for them. They know that ultimately you'll love and protect them, so sometimes gives them confidence to walk the wild side a little more. As for how to handle it, maybe you could try and incentive approach ("if you do good behavior A first, then you get B"), rather than a punishment? Works for some.

He may have a hard time going from one setting like daycare to another setting like home.

I'm a single parent and my daughter has done the same thing and has had her times where she doesn't take me seriously and I don't have backup like a dad figure so occasionally I need to be extremely harsh, rough, tough momma and remind her who's boss. When I say it's time to go I mean NOW without any fits. My daughter is now 6 and I've had to occasionally do this since she was also about 2. I have to just be extremely strict and for a few days and not give in or let up and she get's it right away. If he's throwing a fit at daycare talk to the provider and let her know your going to be strict and try and nip this behavior as a pre warning so she doesn't think you lost your mind LOL, then every day when you pick up your son give him a chance to cooperate, when he doens't cooperate pick him up carry him, put him over your shoulder and leave, put him in the carseat etc. if you can tell him what he's doing wrong and then donot talk to him just ignore him all the way home if you must.Let him tantrum all the way home just ignore it. He will learn that bad behavior doens't get any attention and isn't fun. On the days that he has good behavior do something fun in the car on the way home like sing songs or be funny put a kid cd on. But if he's been naughty don't give in. I do this occasionally when were out shopping and my daughter has become a pain and I have to leave I will ignore her the entire car ride home and she will usually be sad and apologize all on her own when we get in the house.