Tough Love

When they have kids of their own and have to go through it. Until then it's not something they can truly relate to and have a full understanding.

Most times not until they have their own children or see a peer suffer from a consequence that you are trying to prevent.

Hmmm I think I'm still learning about tough love from my parents and I haven't lived at home in YEARS. :)

you would need to say just what you mean by 'tough love' (which is not 'setting boundaries' or 'being firm') and what the situation is.
for young men, not children, my generalized answer to this vague question is 'don't hold your breath.'
khairete
S.

I have a 14 year old.
I hope he gets it by the time he has his own kids.

He thinks I am cruel and unusual because I drove him to school today when he missed the bus instead of letting him stay home because he missed the bus - I hope he gets that, at least, by the time he comes home today. :)

God Bless

Sometimes they never do. It matters on the kid.

Maybe until they have children of their own.

Some get it and some never do. Just do your best to exercise tough love in a fair manner between the two of them. Otherwise, try to talk to him, to help understand.

It's easier with younger kids, that's for sure. A seven-year-old may think he's pretty smart, but he knows he doesn't know it all and he turns to his mama and daddy. A seventeen-year-old looks to his peers, his music, anyone BUT his parents for his guidelines.

You just have to let the boys know that all people are different from one another. At their mom's house it's one way, and at yours it's another. When they go out into the world they'll find much more of the same, so they need to get used to handling it now.

Don't expect any appreciation! Just keep doing what is right. Don't forget Mark Twain's quip: "When I was fourteen I was sure my father knew nothing. When I was twenty-one I was amazed at how much my father had learned in seven years." When your boys are twenty-one (or thirty-one, or fifty-one) they may start to understand.

This is a really vague question b/c it depends on how old your child is, what lesson you are trying to teach and "how tough" your love is!

Remember, though, that discipline and "tough love" are not mutually exclusive nor are they interchangeable. Setting boundaries for your child and applying consequences is part of parenting, but letting your child learn from his or her mistakes when you can see that mistake coming from a mile away is very very difficult.

I don't think that we truly appreciate the "tough love" from our parents until we experience it from the other side.

It's impossible to answer that. It depends on the kid. I think they will usually realize it when they have kids of their own and understand the full extent of parent's love for a child and just how hard it is to be a grownup and have a functional life when this important person in your life is making some really bad decisions.

I'm guessing when they have children of their own...

D., maybe this quote will help you:

"If you meet with opposition, maybe it means that you are doing something that counts."

Can't remember where I saw that recently but it struck a cord with me for raising teenagers! I printed it and keep it in our home office where I can see it regularly. Good luck; it's hard in a blended family.

Good question! Some kids get it very early in the process of losing the "fun stuff" and others have a victim mentality that makes it difficult. I have one of each.
I think our "victim teen" is aging us quickly. It takes him a long time to see that most of the things that happen are a result of his poor choices. Hopefully, we'll survive until he has children of his own.

depends on thier age and maturity ... typically if they are already mature enough to understand they do not need it. But your job is to be a parent and to raise them the best way you can.

Depends on the kid and the issues, but I don't think they fully realize it until way into adulthood. Maybe even until they have kids. My daughter, now 22, has sort of started to understand why we did things the way we did.

I didn't until my mom became my best friend. I also realized that she wasn't always wrong like I thought in my teenage years.

Totally agree with Lucia.
It wasn't until I had kids of my own did I fully understand why my Mom did/said/reacted the way she did. I get it. Now that I have my own littles I understand her so much more and am grateful for raising me to be the person I am today, although when I was younger I just thought she was mean!

If they are already grown, they will never get it.

My friend says once a kid turns about 13 he thinks his parents do not know a thing and then when he turns 26 he realizes that they are pretty smart people. LOL LOL I think that is probably just about the norm. My daughter grew up teaching herself along the way and I never really had to do much tough love. I have told my son that he will drive when he gets a job and can afford to pay insurance and upkeep on the vehicle. He just does not care. I told him that he needs to be sure to get a good job because he is not living with me after he graduates. He just says, "Whatever!" I can not get that into his head that I am not joking. Different children, different headache!! You can try to talk to them and tell them what you are trying to teach them and some get it and some don't.

you have to have boundaries, but you can not discipline without a relationship and expect them to feel anything except the discipline. If you have not had the opportunity to ever develop a relationship and they are grown then I would think it would be difficult.

My mom is 58 and she just forgave her mother for her "tough love" approach last year. I agree with others: it depends on the kid, whether they ever felt love from you or just felt you were being cruel and what the extent of the "tough love" was.

Well, it depends I think. From your profile, I'm assuming that it's a 20-21 year old you're referring to here. And that's old enough to either toe the line and live by house rules or support themselves.
They may comply but not really end up "understanding" it until much later....and that's OK. As long as the result is a safe, law-abiding person.

I'm not sure how long it SHOULD take... But if they're over 16... They should get it.

I guess it depends on what you are trying to teach them in your tough love. If they never learned it in the beginning, they would not know or appreciate the tough love you are trying to get them to understand. For instance, if they have never been taught to do their own laundry, you do it for them all the time and then suddenly you stop without letting them know why you stopped, eventually they might think you are being mean. But if they were taught to do it, and then you stopped, then that is tough love, they have to now assume the responsibility on their own (just an example). Not sure what you are dealing with but for it to be considered unjust would be if they did not KNOW, or been TAUGHT before the tough love treatment. It has to lead up to it, be warned, etc not drop it on them suddenly!