Toys - Birthday Party Etiquette on Asking for No Gifts

Hi T.,
Yes, it's true that Miss Manners does not want gifts mentioned whatsoever on invitations. However. If you do not want gifts, you will need to put it on the invitation, otherwise nobody will know. (I know Miss Manners also says that you should speak with each person as they RSVP and tell them no gifts, but somehow I doubt Miss Manners ever had kids, a full time job, and tried to organize a party with the fun people at Pump it Up while tracking down the families of 20 kids to find out if they're coming or not.)

That being said, my daughter was invited to a birthday recently where the little girl's family asked for a donation for their school in lieu of gifts. I thought that was a great idea, as all schools can use money for capital projects, books, supplies, etc.

Also we were invited to a party last year where they asked that each guest bring a donation of canned food for the food bank in lieu of gifts. That's an easy one to get behind, and they got a TON of food for the food bank. Good to teach the kids that they should count their blessings as well as their birthdays!

Hi T.,
While sticklers for etiquette will say that saying "no gifts please" on your invites is bad etiquette, I tried it anyways for my son's second birthday. It didn't work. Many people are just so conditioned to bring gifts that they brought something anyway, and I fear that guests who had not brought anything felt uncomfortable. One family made a donation in our son's name to the local food bank, which I thought was a terrific thing to do. Maybe you could ask guests to bring new toys (though they may need to be unwrapped) to give to a local children's hospital (must be brand new) or a local shelter for homeless families or victims of domestic violence. That way people can come with something in hand that can go to someone in need. It sounds like you have a very giving daughter so this might not be an issue, but I think my son (who is a sweetie, but...) would have a hard time seeing toys he likes and giving them away. Maybe they could go right into a dark colored trash bag so your daughter cannot see them. You could also ask parents to donate whatever they would have spent on gifts to a charity of your or their choice in honor of your daughter's birthday. However, they might end up doing that and bringing a gift. I think your best bet is to let people come with a toy/book/etc. knowing that it will go to a worthy cause.
K.

Instead of gifts, have a book swap birthday party. Each child brings a book to trade with another child. That way everyone goes home with a "new" book.

My godson just attended a book swap birthday party and he had a blast.

Hey T.,

My son was invited to a birthday party where the parents asked that no one bring any gift but if they felt as if they wanted to get the child something then a donation of $5.00 would be fine. She instructed us that they had one item (a big ticket item) that they had bought for the child and wanted it to be from all of his friends. I worked out great. I didn't have to run around and find something and it was nice just to put the money in a card and let the kids have fun. I think you are right on track. Great ideas. You and your family will be in our prayers.

Blessings,

L.

My daughter just turned five. For birthdays 3 and 4 I put "Please no gifts" on the invitation. One or two people brought gifts, most did not. I thanked the people for the gifts as they handed them to us. We did NOT open the gifts at the party, but afterward. I did that to avoid making people feel that they should have brought a gift anyway. (We did send thank yous also). Another way I've seen it written is "Your presence is present enough." I don't know if everyone would "get it" if it was written that way.

This year we had gifts. Next year I'll go back to the no gifts. I'd like for everyone to be able to celebrate and for my kids to realize that the enjoyment of the party is the party and not the gifts. Part of my challenge is that I have one party for two kids whose birthdays are six days apart. Should my son's friends bring presents for my daughter and vise versa? It's a lot of gifts just 8 weeks after Christmas. Next year, no gifts. They get plenty of gifts from us and from grandparents and uncles/aunts.

Book exchange: We did this when I was teaching first grade. Every child brought a wrapped book. We played musical chairs with no missing chairs where every child ended up with another book. (Have a couple of extra wrapped books on hand just in case someone forgets or brings a non-book.)

As far as being in poor taste, I'm fairly certain Miss Manners would not want us to write anything about gifts on invitations at all. As far as etiquette goes, we used to have to wear hats and gloves and cover our ankles!

Sorry for the long winded answer!
Good luck.

I've also heard other families doing book swap parties and think it sounds like a great idea (Haven't tried one personally yet). Another idea I thought was clever was a family who asked guests to bring a pair of shoes instead of a gift and they took a photo of the guests and all the shoes on a "shoe tree" (large cardboard tree) before donating the shoes to a charitable organization that collects gently-used shoes for people in need.

I like the idea of the book party, where kids can exchange books. Another idea would be to let the people know:
We are asking for no gifts please, however if you would like, please donate to ______ charity or maybe a savings bond for your daughter.

I find it interesting that it is considered poor etiquette to say "no gifts" or "donations to..." on a birthday invite. I have gotten numerous wedding invitations with just such requests! Maybe according to real etiquette buffs that is improper, but for us younger folk with little etiquette training, it is not such a big deal?

I do like the shoe tree and book swap idea. Maybe young kids wouldn't appreciate this as much as adults, but I always found white elephant parties to be hilarious.

You can even request a donation to a charitable organization. You can give to an orphanage in another country OR if you want to stay local, tell your guests all gifts will be given to "_____" organization. You can contact your local foster care coordinator and tell him/her you'd like to donate. We just had a foster mom at our church take donations for several foster families that needed extra toys and clothes. Foster kids don't generally have birthday parties or extended families to give them large amounts of gifts.

We went through this at Christmas with all of our relatives. We asked for no gifts. No one listened. (Especially the grandparents!) Cousins, friends, business associates, everyone gave my daughter gifts.

So, we regrouped for her February birthday. We did three things. For her grandparents, we told them they could select one gift to give our daughter and if they still felt that they needed to do more, they could contribute to her college fund (a gift that will last her lifetime, unlike all of the toys!) For other relatives, we set up an Amazon wishlist, comprised of all books. We directed our other relatives to this site and said that she has so many toys, books, etc. this site would help them to avoid buying duplicates of anything she already owned. And, for her friends, we put "The pleasure of your company will be the best gift you can give to "Jane" on her special day."

This worked pretty well. The grandparents did really well with the one gift rule (all of them seemed to love the idea of contributing to her college fund - we are going to do the one gift + college contribution from now on with them!) Other relatives did pretty well. She got a lot of books (which she loves and we love to!) Some relatives added to the books. She got a stuffed Curious George to go with her Curious George books and a few other things like that. It wasn't horrible though. And, with our little message on the invites to her friends it worked out perfectly. The only one who brought a gift was her best friend and it was an amazing gift that her best friend's mom made for her, so we were thrilled.

We were very happy with the way this worked out.

Hope it helps you.

N.

P.S. I have never heard that "no gifts" is bad etiquette. I have received more invitations than I can count that have said just that.