Transition Problems

I have a hard time leaving places too:) never bargain -- but the choices idea is good......but don't say as I did once "want to hold my hand or the car keys" -- it took a long time to find the car keys!

My oldest son (now 10) had a really hard time with transitions when he was a preschooler, too-- so I figured out what to do and I still do it. First of all, try not to bargain with him or he will get to a point where he will only listen to you for a reward. What I always do/did is state a transitional thing he could understand that's age appropriate-- soooooooooooo many parents tell their kids "5 more minutes" and that means NOTHING to a child of any age! Especially since the majority of us don't actually look at a clock and end the activity in 5 actual minutes-- but even if we did, time is abstract to kids so you may as well have said "3 more hours'!!! hahaha!! Anyway, what I do with my kids is tell them as soon as ABC happens then XYZ will happen. Like today at the Oviedo pool I told my kids they could go down the slide one more time and then we're leaving. (***Then I waited at the bottom of the slide and said, "OK! Let's go!" The follow through is soooo important so they know I mean what I say.***)At home when my son was young, I would say, "As soon as Barney finishes singing this song, we're going to turn off the TV and put our shoes on so we can go." It really helps my kids with transition, especially because I FOLLOW THROUGH with what I say. I have a niece who my sister says is high maintanance, but what I quickly discovered works for her is giving her 2 choices so she thinks she's in control. Just make sure both choices end with what you want to happen. For example, in the scenerio above with the Barney song, if she would have a hard time I might say after the song, "OK! The song is over! Do you want to turn the TV off or do you want me to do it?" Either way, the TV goes off so we can start getting ready to go but she thinks she's in control because SHE turns the TV off instead of me. Win-win.

well in a parenting class they said never ask little kids if they are ready to go. do something like this "it is time to go do you want to carry mommy's purse or mommy's keys?"or "it is time to go do you want to hold mommy's left hand or her right hand?" they said if we have kids like on a playground and you ask are you ready to go--well you have just ask them a question--not stated a fact like we have to go now. so when they answer no--and we leave anyway they began to question why we ask them things if we are gonna do what we want anyway. does that make sence?i hope so.also it is like we are asking them are they ready to go--like it is there decision and of course if we have to be somewhere else or have things to do--it can not be up to the child whether we leave or not. so never say are you ready just state the fact "it is time to go--then give them some choice so that the answer to that choice gives them time to think which one they want to do out of the 2 choices we give them.if you have a free parenting class near you consider it--you learn alot in them and just because you go does not mean you are not a good parent it means you are open minded to new suggestions. good luck. hope this helped in some way.

L.,

Yes, I know this well. I had our #3 child go through this last year (she's 4 now). The way I began to deal with it (because of experience with the prior two) was to have a talk with her EVERY TIME before she goes to the event - no bribing - That IF she fusses when it is time to go, she will not be able to attend the next event that comes up. Even if it is a birthday party of a dear friend or something. And then you must stick to your guns. A reminder of your "talk" about 5 minutes before leaving also helps. And then, as time gets closer to the leaving point, show her on your fingers how many minutes there are left before it's time to go. At 5, 3, 2, and 1 minutes left, let her know that "we will be leaving in this many more minutes". My kids always knew what the minutes meant if I showed them on my fingers. They never had a problem leaving and they made sure that they were polite when they left. When we would get into the car, they would say, so did I do good mom? I give a lot of praise and cheering when they follow instruction well. They eat that up! If she fusses when it's time to go, simply pick her up, even if she is screaming, and take her to the car. No promises to give her anything except for time out when you get home. You may say something like, "Boy, I sure am sorry that you made the decision not to obey, that means that you will not be able to attend the next event. That makes me sad. Maybe next time, you will choose to obey and then you will be able to go again. Wouldn't that be great?"
You should never reward negative behavior with positive reinforcement. She is learning that when she fusses, she gets cool things. She is learning to be in charge!
Take Care,
T.

I am a 64 year old gramma of 11. My advice, NEVER bargin, OR argue with your children. Tell them what you expect of them and then FOLLOW THROUGH. IF you stick to your guns, they will learn and things will get easier. They need leadership and love. As they get older start giving them responsibilities.

Hi L., you have gotten some excellent advice here. I agree with "warning" her that you will be leaving soon. I have always done that with our 2 kids and have never had ANY meltdowns about leaving somewhere (maybe a whine or complaint or two, but no meltdowns or tantrums). The trick is to keep her age in mind. Don't warn her too far out... she doesn't understand 15 minutes.
When you think you might be getting ready to leave soon, say "we'll be leaving soon". Then when you are about 5 minutes out, say so. "In 5 minute we'll be going ___ (to get in the car, inside, home, school, whatever it is)". Then at 1 minute left, say "Okay, it's time. If there is one last thing you want to do before we go, do it now". (one trip down the slide, one more push on the swing before it stops, one more minute doing the hulahoop, one more joke with a friend... whatever it is.
Then while she is coming to you to leave (or as you go get her).. begin distracting her with what you are about to do next. If it's home... talk about what you'll do or who will be there when you get there. Going to the grocery store first? Ask her if she can help you find the items you need to buy.
Just do NOT continue to bribe her into complying. I'm not saying that that is NEVER appropriate, but you don't want it to become a crutch you use to avoid a tantrum. That gives her the power, and you are the one who is in charge... right?...
Be careful not to "remind" her the whole time you are doing something how much longer she has to do it. It will just make it tedious for her and you. Just wait until you are pretty sure you are about to leave. Then start at the 5 minute mark. And stick to the time you have decided on.
Good luck.

ok i know this probably sounds way too simple, and i didn't read anyone else's responses which may be much better, but...my son (who is 2 1/2) used to do this. and he has such a temper, the meltdown would last for what seemed like forever, and was quite embarrassing! so, i started trying to warn him a few mins before we had to leave, and tell him that we would come back. it has worked like a charm! and i am not suggesting lying, so don't get me wrong...it is usually when we are at a park, or the beach, or a friend's house, and we WILL be going back some time or another. so i just warn him that its almost time to go, and that we'll come back soon (or, if i know when we will definitely come back, i say "we'll come back next weekend" etc). sometimes he still whines a little bit, and asks for one more minute. i usually give him that, so that he feels like he is in control, and then i tell him "ok only one more time down the slide" and then i keep reminding him that we will come back..like i said, it has worked like a charm! now when we leave pretty much anywhere, he says "we'll come back mama, we'll come back!" it is so funny, bc he totally gets it, and it makes things so much more pleasureable bc the meltdowns are avoided. give it a try! good luck! :)

Just so you know this is completely normal! Who wants to leave when they are having fun? A couple things to think about are the times of the event, how close is it to nap time? Is she over stimulated? Now practice letting her know 15 minutes before, 10 minutes before, have her start winding down 5 minutes before. Its a really good idea to have an insentive to leave (not bribe) but maybe close to that. Some type of distraction like "Daddy's home lets go see him". Be very enthusiastic. Its all about distraction for this age! And lots of practice, try it first in little ways like going from one activity to another at home. Then praise like crazy when she does it without a melt down. Hope this helps! I have 4 children and my 3rd is a 3 year old girl as well! Girls seem to be more intense!! By the way.. don't quote time to her, these times are more for you, although I do tell my three year old few more minutes and she knows that it is quick! For bed time she will say few more minutes and it is so cute!

You've already gotten great advice and I totally agree with most all of it. Simply give a warning and then follow through. If she is going through a "control-issue" phase, then give her the choice "Do you want to leave right now, or in 5 minutes"? They'll always say 5 minutes, so stick to what they elected. Gives them control, you are giving them the 5 minute warning and you get out at the designated time. Have confidence when you ask her and when the 5 minutes is up and you head to the car. Announce very matter-of-factly and she'll follow your que.

When I worked at a pre-school teaching 3's and 4's we had a few children that really didn't like making transitions. I found that starting with, "we will leave in 5 minutes" and then at 3 minutes announcing the time remaining, then at 2 minutes and for the last minute counting up to 60 seconds, really helped the transition. It seemed that whenever I used this technique, I didn't have any problems. The kids actually enjoyed counting to 60 over time. Of course in the beginning they couldn't count with me, but over time they really got the hang of the numbers. So, transitions became an educational and stress-free time for us.

My son used to do that too. What I do is give him a time frame, like we'll be here for 2 hours. Then, as it's getting close to time I tell him that we have 15 minutes left and to enjoy every last second of it. I remind him again at the 5 minute mark. By the time we are leaving, he's pretty much ready to go. I hope that this helps you.

I wish I had some really good advice for you! My oldest is 3 1/2 and is going through what sounds like the SAME thing- and it's driving daddy & I CRAZY!! lol The best advice I can give is that they are testing limits right now and it will pass. Do your best to remain calm when these "fits" happen, remove your child from the situation as quickly as possible so they understand that throwing a fit does not get them what they want. We have also started using choices (i.e. do you want to go home right now or do you want 2 more minutes to play?- note: throwing a fit is NOT an option lol) and sometimes that works. Best of luck to you and hang in there! Just remember you're not alone on this one!!

I agree with no bargains, no negotiations. My 4 year old still has a tough time leaving. Tantrums may happen, but that means she is making a power play. I do a count down from 5. I also let her know in advance that she has 5 minutes left. I set the alarm on my cell phone so that she knows when it's time. I even call her over and we march off together- like a game. She can even be band leader. Just because your leaving doesn't mean you have to stop having fun. I also play music in the car. She can pick out the song. I just try to keep things fun, but it won't work every time. Sometimes you just have to stick it out.

God Bless
H.

wHO IS THE BOSS? gET A TIMER WHEN IT RINGS YOU LEAVE. lET HER FUSS, tAKE HER BYT HE ARM AND LOAD UP.

Hi L., it is totally normal for this to occur, but since it seems to really stress your daughter give her some practice!! set up a party at your house with stuffed animals,dolls,...whatever and let her know you will practice saying goodbye. have her go around and bid her "friends" farewell, say thank you to the pretend host... since she is still little, offer her some limited choices, like do you want to wave good bye or shake hands? shall we take giant steps to the car or skip? remind her before the next real event that we will do just like we practiced at home and praise her if she does well!! hope it helps-L.