Tried to Give My 9Yr Old with Aspergers Some Independence and I Failed:(

My dd doesn't have aspergers, but does feel picked on when she's in a group of girls. What I've realized is that she is super sensitive...what is normal kid stuff is perceived by her as a crisis. I know many kids with asperger's are also very sensitive. It could be his perception of the situation more than the reality of it.

You did not fail. The kids who were picking on him did. He will be better able to cope next time. Those are hard lessons to learn for any kid, but necessary ones. Teach him how to walk away and let it roll. You are right to want to give him independence. Good for you both.

Naaa, you didn't fail. I think it is good that you let loose a little and gave it a try.

Keep in mind, all kids pick on each other, whether there is an illness or not. They will find a reason. I was picked on because I walked pigeon toed and I wore homely looking shoes. It made me cry, but that is what kids do.

My young daughter comes home all the time telling me one or another child picked on her. I just remind her to go play somewhere else, but every day it is something new. They all pick on each other.

There are a few kids who go to the YMCA with my daughter with ASD. They do just fine. I actually like that they put them all together so they can learn everyone is different, yet the same. It teaches them to respect each other for who they are and as they are.

You are not a bad mom at all. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It actually did work out. He handled it in his own way, as we all have to learn to do-went to the mother at one point, stuck it out, told you about it later, and just like many children who are not identified as having Asburgers, he didn't necessarily like it. I am an adult and feel like people are picking on me sometimes, and I do not always like social events. I should be able to handle it.But he hung in there and did the correct things that we instruct them to do. He is going to encounter lifelong events that are not always fun, people who are not always nice and that is the same for each and every child. Sometimes I get upset when someone is 'labeled' because it makes us very careful sometimes more careful with our little people because we want to protect them so badly. this is not a life sentence, it is a condition, and you are providing him with the values and tools, that he needs same as any other child. And congratulate yourself instead of feeling like a failure. He followed through on everything you taught him.

Any time you have kids with social issues you need to be aware that not only do they not see one side of the coin they also don't see both. What I mean is you teach them social skills, they are just not something they are born to understand like other kids. So they make social mistakes, this also gets them picked on.

This is just my approach with Andy. If he says he is picked on I find out what happened, explain to him what social norm he violated to get picked on and then ask was anyone else picked on.

The first part is so he is aware of what he is doing so that he doesn't do it again. Normal kids are able to do this on their own, these kids are not. It is easy to say mean kids, which sure in a perfect world kids shouldn't pick on each other. That ignores the fact that these kids can be taught and be able to live normalish lives.

The second part is also pointing out what is not intuitive for him, other kids are picked on as well. He isn't alone, ya know? Think about how you felt as a kid and someone picked on you. You get through it because it isn't all the time, it isn't only you. Can you just imagine how it feels to actually believe it is only you? That is how these kids feel if no one points out they are being kids. See Jimmy just picked on Billy, it isn't you, he was trying to be funny.

I guess I just know that I cannot control the world. What I can control is my son's perception of the world. That he can see it in a positive light makes him happy, I want my kids to be happy. :)

To me it sounds like it worked out pretty well. Sucks that he got picked on, but all kids get picked on at some point. I think you should focus on the good things that happened, your son handled it, even though he wanted to come home he went and played with his friends. He didn't freak out and throw a fit like he could have, he handled it.

Hi Nickie!

Don't beat yourself up. My son (6) is borderline for Asperger's. This doesn't sound like a disaster at all. Yes, he was picked on, BUT he got through it by finding a nice kid to play with! That is a fantastic skill for him to keep working on.

Unfortunately there will always be jerky kids to pick on him, but (baring actual bullying) "Don't let the turkeys get you down" is the mantra in our house to remind DS to focus on the kids who ARE nice to him and DO want to be his friends.

Kids with Aspergers can be SO literal and can be terrible about holding a grudge because NOTHING is a little issue... every thing not right is WRONG and is pretty much like breaking the law!

Given that the mom who was there said he seemed fine after that, it sounds like he DID have fun and was able to be a bit more independent. That is GREAT news. Now just work with him on focusing on (or at least identifying) what was fun about the party and not worry so much about what went wrong. In our family DS gets to tell one "thorn" (something that bothered him) and one "rose" (something that was nice/fun) about his day or event. It has helped him realize that just because someone cut in line doesn't mean the whole trip to the fair was ruined :)

You are a GREAT mom, and your being there wouldn't have changed his interaction with other kids (other than to limit it). Good luck on this journey, your boy is lucky to have you!

Totally agree with momwithcamera! This diagnosis is not going away any time soon. To some extent, it is likely he had some fun, even it'll at some points he did not. He had an adult and at least one kid looking out for him. And children, aspergers or not, get picked on and need to have opportunities to develop strategies. I could understand if the other mom or teacher were saying "it was horrible!". Then I could understand your misgivings. But you were being a good mom, in my opinion, letting him go. I imagine he may develop a tendency to isolate himself and miss out on a lot. Unless the teasing is merciless, constant, and relentless, and he has no fun or interest I these things, I think it is actually good parenting to let him develop his own social strategies from time to time.

You did not fail. You allowed your child to experience life. Every kid feels picked on from time to time, and they all need to learn how to deal with it without their parents help. It is part of growing up, and your job as a parent is to enable your child to grow up, not keep them children ferever.

You JUST got this diagnosis. So it's coloring and affecting everything that happens right now. That's totally understandable. But what happened at the party may have absolutely nothing to do with his Asperger's. He may be the subject of teasing but it very likely is not because the kids think he has a condition! You could ask other parents what happened in more detail, but chalk this one up to typical teasing of kids this age.

It sounds like you are feeling he somehow "couldn't do this" when the issue is not his own ability to be independent at a party, but other kids' ability to tease and be cruel -- which will happen all the time, and next time some other kid may be the one teased etc. This wasn't about his ability to cope, so please don't let it make you stick to him like glue or he'll never learn to cope on his own. Next time, I'd find someone to watch the other kids and go along but hang way, way back to observe rather than intervene unless things get really bad. You are NOT a bad mom. You are just letting the upset over his diagnosis make you interpret things as being about his Asperger's instead of about the social ways kids interact at this age.

You're going to have to chill a bit. He was fine without your supervision.

My ex's son is an Aspie. He ALWAYS thought people were being mean to him and picking on him. I watched several situations (without his knowledge) and what was actually happening is he was dominating the play (typical Aspie), and telling everyone what to do and how. He was being socially awkward and rude, but he didn't know it. Then he'd get offended when the kids HE was bullying didn't want to play with him.

He really did believe that was the situation.

So don't be surprised if kids AREN'T making fun of him. And teach him how to deal. He doesn't get to run the show.

It's your job to teach him how to navigate in real life, not protect him from everything. He needs to learn coping mechanisms. How to back off when he notices kids are not enjoying the play instead of pushing harder.

Awww you shouldn't be so hard on yourself Nickie-you are just learning to parent a kid with Aspergers. From parents I know with kids on the spectrum it takes a while to know what works and what doesn't. I am always amazed at their ability to advocate and their understanding of it. However these women have been doing it for YEARS! You cannot expect to know everything right away. I probably would have done the exact same thing as you and let him at the party-a part of you is probably a bit in denial and still so want your child to be like the others. What I think that you should do is find another mom with a child who has Aspergers to kind of mentor you. Why reinvent the wheel when there are tried and true methods for dealing with your son that you can learn from another mom. I guarantee you that you will find many people willing to help you -parents with kids on the spectrum have a close comraderie from what I can tell.

Have you looked at the online support groups for Moms with austic or aspergers kids?
My granddaughter has autisim and my daughter finds a lot of information on autisimspeaks.org and easterseals.com. Facebook has a support group for moms of austistic kids. The more info you get the better you will learn to deal the issues as they come up.
Autisim and Aspergers kids simply process info differently.
I do not feel that you failed your son. Remember Aspies do not understand subtlies or irony or satire.
Bill Gates -- Donald Trump --- Dan Ackroyd all have Aspergers and Ackroyd also has Tourettes.

Oh, honey... Nickie, you did the right thing in letting him go on his own. You did! I know it didn't work out in regard to him feeling like he was picked on but the event wasn't a complete washed out failure. When our kids with ASD have things that happen that upset them, even if it's only one or two instances in an entire day, those two instances will replay and perseverate in their minds like post traumatic stress right? And they can be obsessive about it. And the fact that their social awkwardness can magnify the situation to them makes it so much worse in their minds, especially with Aspies.

You didn't fail him, I promise you, and this was good practice for him. Talk to the other adults there and see if you can get a more accurate picture of what happened. My middle daughter has Classic Autism and is 9 years old. Very often, her version of events and her interpretation of events is VERY different than that of other peoples. There are times when she's clearly done a phenomenal job and I'm so very proud of her, but she ends up upset anyway because one small detail was "wrong" or she perceived someone was mean or didn't pick up on something she thought was important.

That doesn't mean her reality is wrong, it's just ... different.

Neither of you failed. Please don't beat yourselves up.

You did not fail him. Use this as a learning lesson and give him skills to use for the next situation. He is always going to have people who might give him a hard time but he can learn to cope/respond appropriately if you will give him the chance. I think you did things just fine.

I wouldn't worry too much. If this was a class party, then chances are the other kids and any of the moms who have volunteered in the classroom already knew your son's personality quirks( even if they didn't know the actual diagnosis).
I would just try to give him more opportunities with you there so you can observe how he's doing in that type of situation.
The last party I went to with my son, I talked to the mom ahead of time, because her son also had behavior issues and I didn't know how they would get along outside of school. Things went mostly OK, but I did have to take my son outside to calm down when the kids started baiting him by calling him into a room and then slamming the door before he got there. It worried me that the other parents at the party(including one who is a teacher) didn't see anything wrong with it or notice how wound up he was getting. Everyone calmed down when it was time for food and organized games. We Ieft early because the stressful parts had made him tired, and I didn't want him to stay for the sleepover part. The other kids complained when he left- because they wouldn't have anyone to chase them.

If the other kids were not invited you should have gotten a baby sitter and took your son. That's what 20/20 hindsight would say, you didn't do anything wrong, it was a class thing and he should have been fine.

That's the past. Now you have the opportunity to talk to the mom and ask the mom how he did, did she notice how he interacted with the other kids.

I would not make it sound like he was picked on but I would try to find out in a backhand kind of way if she saw the other kids doing anything to him. Then I would talk to my son again to find out if if his perceptions were off or if these things really happened. For instance, if they really did come up and say mean things to him or did he interpret their words to be mean but they were meant differently.

You are not a bad mom. How do you know what he can and can't handle unless you try. Your son also needs to learn a bit of independence so this was probably good for him.

And it doesn't matter if it's his perception or true reality - it is HIS reality and that's what counts for him.

Give him lots of hugs and attention this evening. Even if it didn't turn out as great as you and he hoped, the reality is he went to a party all by himself and that's a good thing!