Trying to Get over It!!!!

Get some counseling for yourself.
And maybe marriage counseling for you both.
Seriously, if you both decide to move forward and are committed to stay together (which counseling might help you decide), then it's simply not fair to expect him to continue to pay for what's happened in the past.
Good luck!

Are you separated this third time for the same reasons you separated the previous two times? Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Has anything major changed so that it's reasonable to expect different behavior? It's possible that your intuition is right on and you can't trust him.

It's true that you'll have to tell your story over and over to heal and he needs to listen to it. Is his personality such that he can do that. Have you told him that although you'd like to trust him you can't at this stage? Does he accept that. Is he willing to listen to you as you talk about your pain? Is he able to say he's sorry in a tone of voice that indicates he means it or does he lose patience with you?

It might help to schedule specific times, say in counseling, to talk about your pain. It won't work to use it as punishment when you're angry. Find a way to let go of the anger. It will help to have him validate your feelings by listening during quiet times. Beating him over the head with it will not work.

I urge you to get some professional counseling before you move back in together if you haven't. If you have, still get counseling. Sounds like you may go to a church. Have you talked with the pastor/minister/priest about this? Perhaps that person can counsel you both.

You want to let go and let God. Be sure God is wanting to you continue.

Of course you want to trust him. Anyone who is married wants to trust their spouse. Just part of the vows. Anyway, sounds like you should be a little cautious, wary and yet living your life. We do not know from one day to the next whether married one year or twenty five if that one moment will happen to break our trust. But what I do know is that you can look at him, enjoy whatever the day's friendship with him brings and love, no maybe enjoy your life whether he is there or not. Sounds like he HURT you and you need to be able to see proof that he will behave (am I on target here?) so the only proof is time. In the meanwhile, do not worry about how it's going to stay, enjoy your children, each and every day and if it stays that is the bonus and of course if it doesn't you will know your answer. And of course trust God, he knows the outcome before all of us.

J - I'm sorry to hear this...

What I can tell you is BOTH HAVE to WANT IT...if you don't then it will be like pushing a rope...

You can't stay for the kids...that's proven NOT to work.

Life is like a book....in order to move to the next chapter, you MUST finish the current one....sooooo

You are having a hard time accepting God into your life or are you having a hard time turning it all over to God and letting him drive?

I can tell you that as long as you hold the past over his head - you BOTH will have a hard time moving on and staying together.....I KNOW how hard it is to FORGIVE...what's harder is letting go of the past...living in the present and trusting...once you've been hurt - well....you protect yourself...and in doing that - many times what we end up doing is pushing those we love away...by holding the past over their head, by not forgiving....

God will NOT give you anything you can't handle...this is a point in your life where God is "pruning" you - like a tree - preparing you for great growth...don't let Him stop pruning and shaping you...He WILL take care of you...handing over that steering wheel is a hard thing...but trust me - once you do - things seem to fall into place...no, it's not perfect but life is a lot less complicated...

i will keep you in my prayers...trust in God....Let go, Let God...

My husband and I separated a few years ago, for about 6 months, when my kids were 1 and 3. The kids and I stayed with my dad while my husband stayed in our house and he even had a girlfriend! It was horrible. When we got back together and the kids and I moved back in, it was very hard. He wanted things to go back to normal right away and that just wasn't going to happen. I couldn't stop bringing up what happened. I told him that if he wanted to work things out and prove that he wanted to make it work, that he HAD to let me talk about it. It took me about a year of being back with him before I could stop bringing it up all the time. I wanted him to "prove" to me that I could trust him, and it turned out that the only thing he could really do was listen and give it time. It's been about three years now, and though I still think about it and bring it up occasionally, things are so much better now.

If you're not ready to let it go, you can't really let it go, no matter how much you want to. If he really loves you he'll give you time. It will get better over time. Tell him what you need from him, he owes it to you and your kids.

I definitely feel for you, and I wish you all the best, I hope it works out for you. :-)

Oh girl - i'm sooo sorry!!!

I want you to know that you are not alone...

I can tell you from experience that it is hard to forgive and forget...but the onlly way to move on? is to learn from our mistakes and move on....it's not about the forgetting, it's about learning from the past and not repeating it...

You can't stay together for the kids...that's not a good thing...this is the example of a marriage you want to set for them? If not - then you need to decide if you can get past it and how you can do that....i strongly suggest counseling....for both of you - single and together - so you can learn separately and together about yourself and what caused the problems...

God will take care you...that I know...He will not take you through anything you cannot handle....even when it seems like the world is crushing down on you - God IS there...

Hi,

I. sorry you are hurting! I know how it is. My best advice to you is to be:

Honest, loving and flexible with your husband. Try writing down all the things he has done that you don't trust and then write down a list of the things he is currently doing to change that. When you feel like the past is coming up again, you remind yourself that you have already forgiven him for this and you are moving on. Each day is new day, treat it so! Also, counseling would be great for you both to air your feelings and how to co-parent together regardless if your relationship works out or not. GL

M

Are you getting any professional counseling? It would be a good idea. Sometimes an impartial voice is very helpful. If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself (because a wounded heart can affect other aspects of your life as well).

I'm very glad you want your marriage to be whole. It's can be hard to trust a person whom you have mistrusted in the past, but it can be done. Don't be afraid to get help and do the work.

I scanned some of the answers before me and I absolutely agree to go through counseling. If for some reason you cannot immediately, try to leave with the least amount of regret. For example, are you giving it another try because "you' want to or your husband? do you feel it's best for your children? If the same thing happens again will you stay? (don't know if the previous separations are for the same behavior) Are you worried about how to get along financially without him, but don't want him back? Don't ignore your feelings of not letting go, it may be your instinct and you maybe suppressing that instinct. It really is best to explore these feelings through counseling. Good luck.

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It is tough when you (and your kids) have been hurt by your spouse. I read through all of the comments and agree that counseling will help you a great deal. I. currently receiving counseling for myself right now. Haven't started the couples counseling yet. I. having a tough time thinking of the past too, but its only been two months since I learned of certain things my spouse was doing. We both love each other and we have both learned from the situation. I forgive him and we are moving on. Our love for each other has deepened and we are much closer than ever before. We both feel like we have a second chance, but there are times my mind wonders and goes back to those hurtful things he put me through, but I know it will take time and lots of counseling to help train my mind not to wonder so much about into past. Hang in there! Although we cannot erase our minds, we can get help to learn of ways to deal with the pain and hurt.