I'm sure most parents with twins get all the same questions that we do. For the most part i actually like answering these questions & i think people are just genuinely curious. "Are they twins?" is always the first question... I get the "are they identical" way more than i expected (um, nope, ones a boy and ones a girl, they have different parts! plus our boy is at least 2lbs heavier and their eyes are different colors :) )... And if i had a dollar for every "wow your hands are full" i'd be a millionaire :) But overall, as long as i don't have 2 screaming children in a checkout line at the store, i love talking to anyone about my kids, even if its the same conversation over and over!
But the one that really irks me is "are they natural?" (what's an artifical twin anyway??) or "did you use fertility drugs?"... or even "do twins run in your family?" which i sometimes feel is just a round-a-bout way to ask the same thing.
I feel like that that's such a personal question & I get it a lot everywhere we go!! out shopping, at the park, the mechanic, even the other day at the lab when i went to have my blood drawn. I don't ask where and how other people conceived their child! And i don't really feel the need for a perfect stranger to know anything about how i struggled with infertility for years, had a zillion different doctors between my legs and ended up with our miracle babies through IVF.
i love talking about my kids, but we inevitably get to that question and it's such a buzzkill. not much gets to me & I truly don't want to be mean when people ask about my babies' "naturalness", but my children are just as natural & human as the next baby, and i hate having to reveal something i find so personal. I usually just end up smiling & saying "yeah, i did need some fertiltiy help" and then change the subject or end the conversation there. I wish i had the guts to use some quirky response, but i can't bring myself to be mean or tell them i think that's a rude question.
Any good ideas on how to respond to or avoid this question?? Or a new way to deal with it?
Are you bothered by the "twin" questions? Which ones irk you? What's the funniest question you've gotten? And how do you answer them?
Thanks in advance for any advice or cute stories :)
Thanks for the responses! It's always fun to hear other mom's stories (so please continue to share if you have a good one!) :)
I've heard a lot of those questions too - "which is the evil twin?"..."oh, you have 2 girls?" (or 2 boys) when one is clearly in blue and the other in pink... "how far apart in age are they?"... surprisingly many people have even asked me if i breastfed, how long, how did i do it with 2 (even the checkout lady at the grocery store asked these!)... but like i said, all the questions (except that one!) just make me chuckle & i like answering them.
I do sometimes think maybe its because they are dealing with infertility too, but i have a feeling that's not usually why because if i answer they don't usually pry further. I like the idea of coming back at them with the exact same question to see if it makes them uncomfortable too... I'm fairly sure most singleton moms aren't used to being asked if their reproductive organs worked well enough to get pregnant without help, at least not by random people on the street that they don't know lol.
I also like the "cyborg" comment! maybe if i'm feeling feisty i'll use that one! ;)
I try to remember that before i had twins i didn't know much about them... like the fact that identical twins don't "run in families", it anyone's embryo can split regardless of family history (i think identical twins are completely fascinating!)... and that fraternal twins can only genetically run on the mom's side (it has to do with how many eggs are released, and the dad has nothing to do with that)... also, to me, the fact that boys and girls can't be identical is obvious now, but i guess if i didn't have b/g twins i might not think about it :)
Thanks for your replies!
My cousins are twins. They got lots of questions. When people asked if they were twins they said "no, We are actually triplets but she is home sick."
Get used to these questions you al will be asked for a lifetime.
When people ask questions you feel are not appropriate ask "Why do you ask?"
I like L. A.'s response "Why do you ask?" Then change the subject as soon as you can. Usually if you ask people about their children that will get them talking forever.
I have a three-year old and seven-month old twins. I put this as my Facebook status the other day:
"A public service announcement: to the next person/people who utter "you have your hands full" to me, I will not be responsible for the ensuing violence. My hands may appear full, but that does not mean I can't spare one long enough to punch you squarely in the jaw, thus halting further such useless observations being uttered. Have a magical day."
I am also a certified smartass, and would answer stupid questions appropriately. "Are they natural?" "Nope. That one's a cyborg sent from the future who has been programmed to protect that one from harm and nosey people..... Here's your sign."
you could just stare at them for a few minutes and then respond "well, they're human."
I heard a good response to the, "Are they natural?" Simply say, "What's an artificial twin?"
I don't have twins, but I had my boys so close together (I had three under three) and they are so similar in size and appearance that nearly every time I take them out I get asked if the two younger ones are twins. My husband has decided to say, 'Yes they are! That one's three and that one's four!'. He thinks that's hilarious. Bless him. The question doesn't bother me at all, and I am continually being told that I have my hands full. Can't do anything but agree wholeheartedly with that comment!
My snarky side actually *wished* some annoying stranger would ask me "Are they natural?" so I could reply "No, they're cybernetic, but they look *so* life-like, don't then?" ;-)
The best come-backs I could think of came several years after the questions came (sleep deprivation can do that to you, LOL) - here's a link to something I posted on our multiples club blog a couple years ago:
http://twinsbythebay.blogspot.com/2008/01/witty-come-back...
The question does seem rude. Though you never know Why they are asking, they could have used IVF themselves, be thinking about using IVF etc. ( I think this way because I have an internationally adopted child and am always dying to ask others if there child was adopted but I NEVER have the nerve!) So I guess the best response to did you use fertility drugs or IVF would be "Why, are you thinking of it or did you use it?." Again comparing this situation to adoption, I think if they ask "are they natural" you should come right out and educate them gently. Do it for future Moms and children. We do not want older children to hear themselves discussed as possibly natural or unnatural!!! I would say gently but firmly, Yes I conceived with fertility help but that does NOT mean they are unnatural. Maybe they will think before they ever ask this again. Using the word conceive means they will realize that personal topic IS what they are asking about. I would hate to have my son hear anyone ask am I his "real mother" and would appreciate it if parents of babies and toddlers would take the time to explain this to people before their children are old enough to listen and take this to heart. When your children are older you could just looked shocked and say we do not discuss conception in front of children.
Question: Are they natural?
Answer: Is there such thing as un-natrual kids?
I did this with my friend, she told me she was "Officially pregnant" I asked her if there was such a thing as "Un-officially Pregnant". Cause that's just how I am. :) I have asked the, "Does it run in the family?" Question before, but I swear it's not secret code for, "Did you use fertility drugs?" Just curiosity. See my great-grandmother was a twin, but we have no other twins in the blood family. My aunt (married in) is a twin. So my cousin has a mom that has a twin and his great grandma was one. But neither my aunt nor my cousin has had twins. It's really interesting to me how that all works, so I might ask someone who has twins that question to see how it is in there family. I have said, "You have your hands full." But after reading this I solemnly swear I will not do it again. 'Holds up boy scout solute'
I think a lot of moms of multiples go through similar types of experiences. These questions always make me wonder, why do people care? I think sometimes it's just plain curiosity, but I often remind myself that certain questions make people feel uncomfortable. I never ask if a woman is pregnant unless I know that she is for sure, I don't talk about breastfeeding with someone unless I know that they want to talk about it, and I'm surely not going to ask if someone had fertility help to conceive their children. However, many people don't think about it. They just say whatever they are thinking.
My first thought when I was reading your post is that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't have to tell them anything about what you did to conceive your children. I would kindly say, "Yes, they are natural." Then move on from the conversation. You can always politely excuse yourself from the conversation without even answering it. Pretend like one of the twins is acting up and you need to go.
I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable about what these people are asking because it's private information. I think it's perfectly ok to set the boundary with someone. Just come up with a line that you say to people when they ask questions and stick with it.
When people ask if they are "natural" or "real" just ask them a question back and say "How else would they get here??" Certainly didnt cross my arms and blink like Jeanie.
Well I have identical girls and people just don't understand and they don't know how I can tell them apart - it is EASY I am their mom plus there are little different things between the 2 and their personalities are WAY DIFFERENT.
If I am having a good day I will tell people that with identical twins it is a fluke thing that no amount of fertility drugs will give you identicals. If I am having a bad day I change the subject or start saying how I am in a rush and I have to go. They don't need to know.
The thing that drove me nuts at first (they are 5 years old now) is I would get the are they twins thing, then the are they identical? One time a guy asked that and I said yes they are identical then he goes oh so you have a boy and a girl? I was like ummm no they are girls, look at all that pink. My mom was with that day and she couldn't even believe it, she said that people ask the most personal questions and its none of their business, which it isn't. Sometimes you can just throw the question back in their face and ask them if they used fertility drugs and you can see where that takes you (I love doing that it shuts them up really quick!!).
I have a twin brother and the question that makes me laugh is how does it feel to be a twin? My response is "How does it feel not to be a twin". This throughs them off everytime. I have actually been asked if we have the same birthday? LOL, and of course I get the question are y'all identical, do you feel his pain does he feel yours. It is funny what questions people who know nothing about twins ask.
I'll admit, I'm guilty of asking if they're identical, and even have asked which one is older and by how much. It never occurred to me that being "identical twins" ruled out oposite sex (seriously, even though I know full well how identical twins are formed, it just never dawned on me, lol) until I was shooting a photo session for a family with twins (b/g) and I asked. The mom sort of giggled and said in a polite, yet slightly sarcastic tone that it was impossible for b/g twins to be identical. I appreciated her honesty and didn't mind the touch of sarcasm...my family I believe founded Smart A** University ;)
As a mom of only singletons. I just wanted to say that I have asked if twins ran in the family. But I wasn't implying anything "unnatural" about the conception process, I was just curious if they were the first set. It wasn't a compelete stranger, it was someone I had known for awhile through playgroup. I don't understand why any strangers are so curious about such random things.
What really irks me is when you are obviously busy busy busy and people try to engage you in conversation about your children. Today we were at Disney and I had my two year old and my one month old. The baby was in a wrap on my chest and I was changing my two year olds diaper. My 2 year old was fussing, because she has a bit of a diaper rash so it was uncomfortable, and two different women came up to me, almost in my face trying to see the little baby and ask me questions about her. Like you, I will normally be very polite and answer any and all questions about my girls (who doesnt' like to talk about their kids?!?) but seriously, could these women not see that I was a little busy! It drove me crazy!! and it happened twice in the same 5 mintues.
Hi J.,
The questions simmer down as the twins grow up. (I have 9 yr. old twins) I would answer the one about "are they natural... or did you have to have IVF?" I would proudly say, Yes, my kids are natural by all means, but thank goodness for the skilled doctors out there, I was able to have them because of IVF. It didn't bother me, because I think people are just fascinated by science and just want to know. However.... I can totally see where it could irritate moms of multiples. (This question really bothered my SIL. She had IVF two years after me and had twin boys.0
The question that I always thought that was so crazy was .... are they identical? (One's a girl and one's a boy.... she's wearing pink and he's wearing blue and the do have different parts underneath their clothes.) But no... I didn't say that exactly to the strangers.
I went back to my questions that I answered about twins to find this......
Melissa shared this video with us from a question a few weeks ago about this question. It's really funny! The cartoon moms converse about these twin questions. (She got 16 flowers for posting it:-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT-lgB_HGEE
And here's the link to the question was asked:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/3793302057751019521
(It received a lot of good responses. It was a question geared for moms of multiples to answer. So you might get some advice, here, too.
I dont have twins but i actually get a couple of these all the time myself. My kids are only 11 months apart. Now that they are toddlers and my youngest is almost the same size as her brother I get the question "are they twins?" alot. When I respond that no they are 11 months apart I get the wow you got your hands full thing. And then many ask the question that I find kinda dumb to ask someone my age "did you have them that close on purpose?" I mean who in there 20's has kids that close together on purpose(if I looked older and were closer to the end of child bearing years it wouldnt sound so dumb but I am only 26). Besides even if I did how is that any of their business.
I don't have twins, but I've always hated when people ask me if I'm going to breastfeed my baby or not. I really want to respond with, "why do you want to know what I'm doing with my boobs??!!" I too, hate it when people tell me I have my hands full. Just because I have two kids and one on the way, doesn't mean my hands are full. It's what I wanted and my kids are well behaved, so no...my hands aren't full! I usually tell people that too!! Congrats on twins, I always thought it would be so fun to have twins!! :)
Wow, I am just stunned by this. I don't have twins so I don't know what it is like, but never in my life have I asked anyone how they got their kids. I mean what's next asking if the mom enjoyed herself? How inappropriate. I think that I would just say that I don't discuss the making of my babies publicly! They should feel uncomfortable, not you! I am sorry about that, as a mom of singles, it would not occur to me. Now I might say you have your hands full! Sorry ;)
Excellent response from Laurie A!
Hi,
I don't have twins, but I thought I would respond because it may be useful to you....
I wouldn't tell people that you used fertility help. I would look them in the eye and say, of course they are natural!!!!! (they are real children-so this part is true :) ) and its not anyone elses business how you got pregnant. So, don't be afraid to stand up and say excuse me, but thats a really personal question. I don't go around asking you how you got pregnant, leave me alone. GL!
M
