I have been divorced for 3 years now, my ex-husband got remarried soon after and ever since then he has been distant. About a year and a half ago he got into some trouble and the kids haven't seen him since. It has been a true hardship on the boys, they don't understand why they can't see him. My oldest son just started Kindergarten this year and he has been acting out a lot, I am at the point that I don't know what to do anymore. Both of the boys are having problems dealing with not seeing their daddy, he used to call every now and then but the phone calls have stopped. Does anyone have any advice on this one.
Have you thought about contacting Big Brothers? My sister got a Big Sister for my niece and that made her feel very special. I was very impressed when I met her Big Sister.
You can probably find their # in the telephone book.
i'm in the same boat. My child is 5 and his daddy has been there all his life and then i took my son on vacation in July and when we got back his daddy was gone. He had moved to the Florida Keys! My child is going through the exact same thing and always tells me that he's mad at his daddy or even says he hates him. i just try to keep things positive and whenever he mentions his daddy or gets upset about it i try to change the subject and get his mond on something else more positive. Another thing that i feel is helpful is just being there loving him more than anything in the world and letting him know that and making sure he understands that mommy will NEVER EVER leave him.
J.,
Your situation is very similar to my situation...to the point it is almost eerie!
My kids are 6 (almost 7) and 4. Their dad and I have been divorced for about 3 1/2 years. He remarried shortly after our divorce, as well.
My boys went through a stage where they would just cry and cry for their dad. Although he was not in trouble, and was able to see his kids whenever he wanted, he chose not to visit them or call them. It was very hard to explain to them because I didn't understand it. It was rough.
Do your best to explain things in terms that they can understand. I know that isn't easy. And try to understand why they act out.
What worked best for us was creating more alone time, more special time, if you will. We spent more time together, with the television and radio off, just talking about how we felt. My youngest one had a lot of trouble talking (he has speech issues) so we would draw pictures. Sometimes it was angry scribbles, and sometimes it was sad pictures....and then we talked about the pictures. We still do that sometimes...when it just seems like it has been a bad day all around.
Another thing that helped a lot was my family and my friends. Everyone pitched in to try to fill the void created when their dad skipped out. Do you have family that could help you?
Being mom and dad both is hard, but you will have to do it. Just try your best!
Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck! I feel for you, I really do...Hang in there!
Do you have an older brother or friend that would spend some quality time with them? Try big brothers if you have one local to you. I don't know where you live but you can also place an ad at the local high school, church or retirement center for an older boy or man who (reference checked well) is looking to have a relationship with small siblings or a gentlemen who would like to have some surrogate children. This has worked well for a friend of mine and I was very surprised as I had never encountered this before. I am a single mom of a daughter and she is involved in the Big Sisters and it works great.
Sounds like they need a man figure in their life. Someone to take them fishing, play ball, guy things. Have you been in contact with the father? If not, I have a 18 year old son and a 16 year old daughter, which their father has never been in their life more then 2 years top. He has been in so much trouble, and when he is not in trouble, he still very seldom called or came around. However I know this was hard on them, but now that they are older, they know that I did my best, and that their stepfather, is a father to them. If you have a man in your life, get him involved with the boys. If not get them involved with big brother, or boyscouts, or some kind of help.
Be honest with them without being harsh. Just tell them that he has made some bad decisions/choices and you don't know why he doesn't come around. And reassure them that you are there and always will be. Children understand a lot more than what we give them credit for. Just DON'T "bad mouth" their father. That's the hardest thing for a child to hear. Even if you are talking to someone else and you don't think they can hear you..... They usually can. You might want to try counceling(sp) also. It's hard to be without a father, I went through it and my son did also. I am honest with my son and he understands the situation better than I thought he would.
MORE THAN EVER YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. BE CAREFUL OF THE WORDS YOU MAY CHOOSE ABOUT THEIR DAD..EVEN WHEN YOU THINK THEY ARENT LISTENING..KIDS ALWAYS HEAR WHAT THEY SHOULDNT. TELL THEM THAT THEIR DADDY LOVES THEM AND MAYBE PERHAPS THAT HE IS SCARED TO SHOW THEM OR MAYBE THAT HE DOESNT KNOW HOW..TELL THEM ALL YOU CAN ABOUT THEIR DAD. BE POSITIVE. EVEN IF HE DECIDES TO WALK BACK INTO THIER LIVES 10 YEARS FROM NOW...IF THEY WANT HIM THEN THEY WILL BE UPSET OF ANY BAD THINGS YOU MAY HAVE SAID. I WAS A BIT CONFUSED ON YOUR POST...IS YOUR EX IN JAIL OR JUST STAYING AWAY?? IF HE IS IN JAIL, THEN PERHAPS HE COULD WRITE TO YOUR KIDS AND THEY COULD DRAW PICS AND WRITE AS WELL. IF HE IS JUST STAYING AWAY THEN TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO BE UPFRONT WITH HIS KIDS. YOU SEEM LIKE YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB BEING THE PARENT THEY NEED AND MAYBE EVEN ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND A FATHER FIGURE FOR THEM..NOT TO SAY GO LOOK FOR ONE BUT ITS CRAZY HOW IT WORKS AT TIMES....DADDYS ARE ALWAYS FATHERS BUT FATHERS ARENT ALWAYS DADDYS....GOOD LUCK
Perhaps you might reach out to local agencies. They are there for you for exactly these reasons. Dial 211 will get you to the United Way of Central Indiana and then you can talk to someone who can help you find contacts for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Boy Scouts, YMCA, and other opportunities outside any support that you might be able to garner from your family. If your children are exhibiting signs of emotional regression, perhaps enrolling them in some organized physical sport would help them cope - soccer, karate. Just be there for them and they will know they are loved. Good luck.
well J. its time for you to be the Father &mother i no thats what you have been doing i did it for eighteen years i no its hard it will get better.at the end your son will respect you very wise.
Hi J.,
Well done job for you raising 2 boys alone and getting a better life for all!!! Have you tried a trusted family male person to get them involved in the boys life or a Boys and Girls club to get a male role model for them? As hard as this may be, try not to talk poorly of their father to them, let them come to their own conclusion and try to be there are you always are. My prayers with you in getting them raised as happily as you can!!
M.
I would suggest counseling. My son has gone through it and I am planning on sending him again. We just moved to the area and I need to find another counseling source. It helps. It might bring to light buried issues. You can never be sure unless you do explore that option.
Good luck.
My first advice would be not to lie to your kids or put false hopes in their minds. Sad and pessimistic as it is, in reality there is no guarantee that you will be around for the rest of their lives. Do not tell them that you won't ever leave them. Do not tell them that just because their dad doesn't call doesn't mean that he doesn't love them (they'll just think that if he loves them, why doesn't he call?). Tell them that their dad is going through some things in his life that he needs to work out before he can be a good father to them, and that's why he doesn't call. (BTW, have you talked to their dad at all? I would get on the phone with him to find out what is going on and why he's not calling his kids.)
Definitely get them involved with some kind of group or activity where they can have other father figures and get reassurance that they are good kids and have potential in life. Boy Scouts, YMCA, Big Brothers, whatever. They need some kind of guidance in their lives, and you have enough responsibility trying to keep a roof over their heads.
