Ugg, Husband

This happened with my husband, than I realized that it was better if I asked him to help with the child rather than do the jobs that are supposed to be mine as a homemaker. Now don't get me wrong, he does help out some with the house, but wouldn't it be better to ask him to take time to bond with the baby so you can vacuum than to have him work all day and come home to do the chores you used to do?

I started leaving him alone with the house and the baby for 12+ hours once a week.

After many months, I actually lost it on him, and declared that no matter WHAT his job was the complete and total disrespect he was showing me and the fact that HE had already had 60 days off (weekends) when I had 0 days off was not going to fly. That his 2 day weekend and my 0 day weekend no longer worked for me. And that he had a choice, either give up one of his days, or get better insurance, because I was about to go clinically insane.

AMAZING, how after 1 month of watching his own child for just 4 days during that month changed his tune. Also how much more sane I became having a morning to sleep in and a day to actually go visit people/ read a book/ make plans/ get my hair cut/ go to the store alone/ not be covered in spit up/ and have time to myself on a regular basis. :) :) :)

I've also, from time to time (my husband is both a muscian and an engineer... he really needs the math laid out for him to "believe" anything), had to highlight exactly how much money I was saving us. AKA what he would have to pay out if I died. EX) $2500 a month for 40 hours of infant childcare, $60 an hour for housecleaning, etc. Not to mention the salaries he'd have to pay someone (like personal shopper, prostitute, personal chef, etc.) if he didn't want to have to start doing those things himself.

Dear K.M. If I were you I would try pumping a little each day and start a bit of a stockpile pile of breast milk. Then when you feel comfortable that you have at least a days worth I would go ahead and leave my husband home alone on his next day off for approximately 10 hours with the newborn and your other son. I would then come home and pretend to be exhausted and look around the chaos of the house and say "what did you do all day while I was gone". It will only take this one time and your children will be fine, Your husband on the other hand will never make such a comment again. Congrats on the new bundle of joy! Hope your days get easier :)

I remember my first husband asking me that. I left him.

Tell him exactly what you do all day and ask if he would like to try it, including having your nipples chewed and sucked on until they get raw. My husband once made a nasty remark like that during an argument and quickly ate his words after I went down the list of what I 'did at home all day'. Explain in detail if you have to, or have him actually try it for a day. Sometimes men just don't get it! Hope your feeling better and he becomes more understanding, good luck!

HE is a part of the family, HE is a Dad too, HE is a Husband, HE is a grown up not a child nor are you his servant. It is HIS house too... and his 'feedings' are his responsibility too... he is not a baby.

MOST men do this... or at least many.

DO NOT let him make you feel this way... you sit down with him, calmly itemize the things that needs to be done... and tell him, HE is responsible too... as a PART of the family and household. IF he will not participate... then he is purely a squatter.

My Husband used to do that to me... until he realized... that being a "MOM" is arduous work and 24 hours a day... with NO breaks.
I refused... to let my Husband make me, feel bad for it.
I told him, what I told you.
Case solved.

A "Man" is NOT 'exempt' from the caring of their child, nor the household, nor their feedings, nor their laundry, nor from being a PARTNER in the marriage and family.
It is HIS baby too, and HIS home.

He is behaving like an irresponsible child.... HE is a grown man... with responsibilities IN the home too and in the caring of his baby.
Do NOT put up with it.

Being a PARENT... IS TIRING. That is life... it does not matter if he works and you don't. YOU are working... in the home and for the baby. HE is a part of the family or he is not. He has to step up... and own up to his responsibilities.
HE should be babysitting too. AND a whole lot more.

all the best,
Susan

I have not read any of the other responses, but I will just say this "THEY WILL NEVER GET IT OR UNDERSTAND WHAT WE DO!!!". They are a totally different breed and JUST DON'T GET IT! UGH!!! Just know that you are not alone in this, it seems to be common...guys are babies FOREVER. I am sorry your feelings are hurt. Keep all your patience and peace for your kids and the "grown up/man child" can/should learn from you.
XOXOXO

Hmmm, you could do a variety of things. You could do NOTHING for a few days except feed the kids, he would quickly find out what you do all day since it will pile up all over the house (dishes, toys, laundry). You could keep a detailed list of EVERYTHING you do for a day - starting with getting up all night with the baby and still keeping the house going all day and entertaining your four year old; include on your list every owie you kiss, every spill you wipe up, every nose you wipe, every diaper you change, every cry you respond lovingly to. Or you could simply say after the kids are asleep, "You know, I'm trying really hard to keep everything done, but this house doesn't run itself and I am getting burnt out. When you are snide and condescending to me it makes me feel like a failure at my job, which happens to be the most important job ever, raising our children." I, of course, would start with telling him you know how tired he is and how his long hours are draining, and you appreciate what a wonderful husband he is by keeping his committment to his family and providing so well. Boost him up, acknowledge his efforts, make him feel loved, but DO NOT ignore yourself - you are allowed to feel these things too! Give him a big hug, and don't expect an answer or solution that moment, leave him to think about how his words hurt you. See if his actions change over the next couple weeks. The first few months with two kids are hard, and it's a big change for everyone in the house. Hang in there mama, two kids really does become easier than one, and someday soon you will be able to shower every day, get the housework done, and ENJOY your husband again! :)

Hi
That fine to have your vent,thats what this site is here for right !
As your husband seems to be inconsiderate to your feelings I would point it out to him.
Let him know that his job is ten hours a day,yours is 24hrs. As you are not asking much the least he could do is support you and offer some help.Also you have a four year old so you are not getting to rest as you would as a first time Mum.He should have a better level of understanding on how hard motherhood is especially as you have been through it before.
Congrats with new baby and I hope you get some help.
B.

I'm glad I read the answers I was going to propose something very similar to Leah. Just add to that, give him a list of chores that must be done by the time you get back ;o)
My husband is completely useless during the first 3 months, with my first one he helped with everything. I mistakenly thought he would do the same with our second, no way, no how, that man turned into an ogre lol and did not want to be bothered. Now that our youngest is 18 months he takes both of the girls everywhere, in fact he does better with them at the store than I do; but the first few months were really, really tough.
If I ever have another child, which I'd love, I will save money and pay someone to clean etc when the baby comes.

Pump that man some milk and leave on a Saturday morning. Go hang with the girls! Go to the bookstore, go anywhere but home for at least 6 hours. He will learn real quick. Men are so funny. They think their jobs are sssssoooohard sometimes. Next time he asks, just tell him you watched Jerry Springer all day long, you just couldn't turn it off! Good luck to you. All Moms go through this if you have a spouse. Heck, I worked full time and did all the night time stuff for my kids and my husband used to ask me why I couldn't get all they housework finished. Ha! cb

I know it was just a vent but a well deserved day off seems in order for you. Make the arrangements for Dad to be "in charge" and get ready to see what a hurricane looks like when you get home.
New dads....and I mean REALLY, REALLY NEW dads don't quite get it. This will speed up the understanding.
When I had a newborn, I was lucky to get my teeth brushed in the morning!

it always helps me to leave the kids w/the husband for a saturday if your boobs will allow you to do so (bring a pump).
then see how he feels.
LOL

my hubby did the same thing. uggh. i left him with the kids for a couple of hours going grocery shopping. it really put it into prespective how much work it is and how exausted you become. leave him with the kids a few hours on the weekend or even in the evening and let him know exactly what your doing all day. they have no idea. they think your just sitting there doing nothing. babies are work alone plus being exausted and breast feeding. your physically worn out then to have to ask for help is a guilt trip alone but when they dont step up and help out here and there its terrible! thank God it only lasts for a few months then things start to come around. congrats on the new baby. hope your hubby reads some of theses and realizes its HARD work having to take care of a baby and a four yr old.

Yoour doing great, Men just don't understand how much taking care of children can take out of us. Especially breastfeeding, that in itself is a job. I came home from the hosital and my hubby acted like it was just another day and that i should be able to focus on taking care myself, the kids,dinner as usual. I also was upset and my feeling hurt as well. Motherhood is a job 24/7. That is something men will never get. Take care of yourself, and dont get stressed out , as that will deplete your milk supply and the baby will feel that as well.

I would try and sit down with him, an explain your feelings. Maybe then he will realize that keeping up with the kids is a job.

It could be the way you are "asking" him to do things. Are you sounding, condescending, bossy, bitchy, etc? Maybe he doesn't like your tone and feels like you are mommying him.

Do you REALLY have to ask him to heat up leftovers so he can eat? Does he need to take microwave 101? I'm sure if he gets hungry enough, he will heat up some food.

Tomorrow, write an itemized list.. so next time he asks, hand it to him and he will see that you are hopping and doing damage control all day long.

Hey, my hubby does this too sometimes... comes home from work and toys are everywhere and he asks, 'who did this?" i usually smirk and say, I did it, I thought it would be fun to destroy the house." truth is, I've cleaned it up 5 times today and decided I would protest the last time.

In any case, my hubs is still great at fixing dinner and helping clean, and he's usually very supportive and understanding... if only he would remember to take the trash out! men need to remember that they get to come home from their jobs... but sahm's are at work 24 hours a day, so any help they give will mean a cleaner house, less stress for everyone, and if they care, more intimacy. Besides, it's his home and his children too, both parents need to be equal partners and share responsibilities.

Anyways, leave your husband alone with the kids for 6 hours or so (and not during nap time!) go get your hair done, go on a lunch date then a movie... will help him learn some sympathy by the time you get home. When you walk in the door and the house is a mess, ask him with a smile, "What have you been doing all day?!"

We've all been there. I am a former SAHM. My husband understands pretty well, BUT there have been a few times when he's had the kids for a whole day. Honestly, I think that's the best way for working husbands to understand. You have to find some time when you need to be somewhere for the entire day, and make sure he doesn't have any grandparents or anyone else coming to help him. Not just watching them for an hour or two--all day. See how much actually gets done. Personally, I think the only way to get them to truly understand is the "learning by doing" approach.

My husband would love for me to be a SAHM again (now that I'm working, he understands how much easier my staying home made HIS life), but after 2 years, my mental health (heh heh) required that I go back to work. I have much more energy now that I'm working full time and rushing home to pick up kids and make dinner than I did when I had them all day. Staying home really does take everything out of you--and I hardly ever got around to the cleaning!! It's ALL childcare.

my hubby stayed home with one baby and then worked evenings when I got home. He did nothing but take care of the baby. Every bottle was left dirty by the chair where he fed him, we had two high chairs (dining room and kitchen, both were dirty, one from lunch and 1 from breakfast. For a few years I was just happy he took good care of the baby but gradually I got him to help more and more. and it taught him that taking care of a child isnt about cleaning and cooking all day! I think we need to lift our expectations of how much he will do but maybe lower our standards of HOW he will do it and what he will do. The more you ask hiim to do the more he'll see what your job entails. My hubby likes cooking and I dont mind eating salad or lunch meat for dinner so he started cooking a lot more. I also stopped doing was HIS laundry) I did the baby's, the towels, sheets, and mine, that was cuz he said laundry was easy. (whenever he dismisses a household chore as easy that chore becomes his.) If he freaks over being asked to vacuum ask him to change a diaper and cuddle the baby Or empty the dishwasher while you vacuum. And as RileyJ said -you Need to find time for yourself so that means he needs to take the baby for longer periods of time, it's the only way he'll learn.

Make him a list so he can see exactly what it is you do all day, and make it very detailed, as in 'tried to take a shower for the 3rd time but baby wouldn't stop crying when I put her down' and 'tried to take a shower for the 4th time after she pooped on me'. Also pump some milk for her so when he comes home you can hand him HIS daughter (she's not just yours in case he's forgotten!), throw the list at him, and walk out the door. Then get a hotel room and take a nap. When you get home, ask him what exactly he did while you were gone, and why isn't the laundry finished, the floor mopped...

I am so sorry you get that. that is unfare. I am a fulltime working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad to our 5month old,2 1/2 year old and 14 year old. He would totally agree with you it is not easy but we still help each other & split up the duties. But he knows it is still hard for me and goes beyond. he cooks,cleans does laundry and never complains about it. I didn't know if he would be able to do it but he suprised me. He has been home for 5 years now. I also soley breatfeed and pump at work. maybe he does need to be at home for a weekend and see how hard it is for you. Taking care of a household takes teamwork. by the way congatulations.

I don't think you need to give him a detailed list of what you do every day. I do think though that the next time he asks you "what exactly is it you do all day" you should simply reply to him "I raise our children to be educated, responsible people - that's my job."

Recently I closed down my daycare and looked for jobs but once I told my husband that I felt like my main job focus right now was to raise our son properly and be there for him, he totally agreed with me. You might be surprised at your husband's reaction.

I think the only real thing you can do in a situation like this is just forgive him and let things fall apart a little if you have to. I have two kids now as well. My baby is 8 months and my big boy is three. Let me tell you, the kitchen has a section with dirty laundry and a section with clean. Our bedroom has clothes in various parts. Our computer room at the moment is a disaster. But, there are clean clothes and sheets, clean dishes, food cooked daily, a vacuumed living room bc the baby crawls all over now, clean toilets and tubs, a big bin in the living room for toy collection and trash taken out. That's what I can do, and so far that is all I have been able to do. I focus on us being clean, whatever touches us being clean, our diets being healthy and sanitary living conditions. I haven't dusted in ages!!!! I haven't actually "cleaned" in a while!!!! I have to do what I can do and keep our home decent and safe and our bodies in health, I am not superwoman, just regular woman;) My hubs also has a high demand job and when the baby was born was getting home at like 7pm some days!! He drives a lot so I also did all the nursing bc I didn't want him out on the streets risking his life. As long as he isn't complaining if things get a little crazy, I think you will all be happier if you do what you can and let him pick up the slack where he feels he can. If he does complain about the house, you can just lovingly say, yeah honey I didn't get to that today and move on. It is true that men often don't understand the true toll it takes on us to have a baby and recover while that baby is totally dependent on us. But I will say we also don't fully understand the toll of knowing your whole family including a new member's survival depends on you busting you butt and providing for them. I would bet if you lay off asking him for a lot right now and let him adjust to your new life with a new baby, he will lay off the nasty comments. Then give yourself a huge pass. Buy frozen lasagna and a bag of salad, toast some french bread if you are feeling really frisky. Tell hubs you are going to run to the store with the baby and get a few things and leave your four year old at home. I found with my husband just saying I would be back in a bit and that I would take the baby worked great. Call for take out once a week if you can afford it. Is your mom nearby? Could she make a couple casseroles to pop in the freezer? You will survive this hard, hard time. It does get better, promise. Your husband will adjust too, but if he feels that you think he is not doing enough, it will be worse. Sometimes I look at the mess and sigh...but I know that as my babes grow the house will be cleaner. I often cook enough for two days and then just eat the same thing two days in a row. It helps. You are so fresh from labor. The next month you will see so much improvement. Hang in there!! Congats on the new baby!!

oh man---soooo sorry. you are working 3x as hard as anyone you know and not getting a 'paycheck'...tell him somehow, when you find the time to bathe and wipe your butt.....that you need his help...it doesn't seem like too big of a deal to heat some things up in the micro for dinner....geez....again, so sorry...my man was jumping at the chance to help--i hope yours can get off his high horse and realize you are providing that sweet baby with the best nutrition in the whole wide world. it requires a calm mind to b-feed a baby---maybe negotiate--..say'look you have 30 minutes after work to chill and do what you need to do, have a beer turn on ESPN, whatever..but after that I need your help..this worked with me and my man early on....I would bite my stessed out lip to give him 30 minutes after work to decompress....thenhe was on it--whatever I needed...Good luck, keep breastfeeding...know that your baby is getting the best food in the world...sorry you are getting 'lip' from the daddy....urghhhargghhhhh

Go on strike. Don't do anything that isn't essential needs (feeding, burping, or changing anybody in the house). When he comes home you didn't do what you do all day. On the weekend pick a day and just let him take the kids while you do the grocery shopping, a couple hours alone with the monsters gives anyone perspective.

Let your husband read this and anyone else who questions what us moms do all day........it's easy for others to judge us until they spend a day in our shoes!

TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)
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By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.